What were your best declines?

csuave · October 2013

Declines suck but I guess I am happy in a way for each one because (sorry @muppetoverlord) no shows are even worse.

Most of mine came in the traditional decline checked on the RSVP card kind of way, but a few were a little more thoughtful and softened the decline sting. Some of these declines that came back with nice little notes. These made me think that if I have to decline in the future there could be more thoughtful ways to do it.

The best 3 declines were:

1. The friend that thought she would be able to come but then had a business trip scheduled across the globe. She called me in advance of the RSVP date, explained the situation and then we had a nice conversation. Who doesn't like getting an actual phone call from a friend?

2. My dad's OOT cousin that H has never met and I only see on rare occasions. He wrote a note saying he was sorry he couldn't make it but he really enjoyed looking at our wedding website. We put a lot of effort into our website and it made me happy to have someone mention it like that. It is also good to know that when H does meet cousin he will already have at least some familiarity with H from some of the website info/pictures.

3. My 2 hour away friend + guest that I feared would be a no show sent me a text the day before the wedding saying she had to work and couldn't make it. In one way it was the worst because it was really last minute but since it saved us from having any no shows it ended up being a good thing in my opinion.

What were some of your best declines?

kimmieryan0406 · October 2013

I got two declines from the same family (cousins of my mother). The daughter and her mother sent me back their declines each with a note attached saying how much they wish they could celebrate my big day but the daughter is due to give birth the very next day. She struggled for years to get pregnant, was told she couldn't, adopted a beautiful little girl, and then lo and behold surprise! She got pregnant! To be on the safe side, she did not want to travel over 3 hours away from the hospital that close to her due date. The mother just lost her husband suddenly and this pregnancy has kept her going through the pain. She wasn't going to be apart from her daughter that close to her due date.

Best no I took

Incredibly moving back story and such a sweet gesture to make me feel special anyways.

wrigleyville · October 2013

Unless it's a super-distant relative I haven't seen in ten years and barely know, I always include a little note with my RSVP, whether it's, "We can't wait to join you!" or, "Sorry we can't make it. FI has a business trip that weekend." I feel like it personalizes it a bit.

KickAssMOH · October 2013

One of my local friends declined - she had another event on the same day. She sent me an extremely heartfelt card which meant alot to me considering the history of our friendship. That would've been enough, but then she also sent up champagne and OJ to my bridal suite the morning of my wedding - really, above and beyond.

My cousin (someone I had a good relationship with) did not RSVP at all. When I sought him out to find out if he got the invitation and if he planned on attending, he told me that he was too busy with his job (...as a doctor) and "good luck on your marriage because marriage is hard work". WTF?! He was on vacation the weekend of my wedding and posted the photos to facebook. Nice, buddy, real nice.

dramamonkey · October 2013

Though I extended my RSVP deadline for her, one of my college roommates ultimately had to decline my invitation. She wrote a note on the back - it was really lovely, and I know that she was upset that she won't be able to make it. She was trying to swing it, but is pregnant with her first baby and has had a lot of pregnancy issues since finding out. I know it literally broke her heart. I couldn't help but feel a twinge of sadniss that she won't be there to share in "my day" but I completely understand.

ETA: My least favorite has been my Great Aunt. She's the closest thing I have to a grandparent (both FI and I are GP-less, she's the last living of my grandfather's family). I called her and my mom called her to tell her I was engaged.... she never answered or called back. She never RSVPd to my shower.
She still hasn't RSVPd to my wedding, and when my mom called her (and was FINALLY able to get her on the phone) she said she didn't know and it was so far (she's 20 minutes away from my venue)...my mom even offered that if her son who IS coming to the wedding could drive her there, she'd make sure she got home afterward.

WinstonsGirl · October 2013

I'd have to dig out my RSVP's to find a good one. A couple of people wrote notes, but I can't remember what anything said.

My worst RSVP was from my Uncle. He is not happy with the family due to the way an estate was settled (as per the will) and didn't talk to anyone for a while unless necessary. He said since he didn't go to my Brothers wedding, he couldn't go to mine. Ditto for my 2 cousins. Anyway, we got married in Hawaii and he was there on vacation at the same time. I actually ran into them the night before while waiting for my MOH. They were randomly staying in the same hotel. Talk about awkward.

LakeR2014 · October 2013

@WinstonsGirl - How are they randomly staying in the same hotel? In Hawaii? During your wedding they couldn't go to? Are you from Hawaii? Otherwise that seems a little fishy to me.

Still - Love your photo and a Hawaii wedding? Paradise!

WinstonsGirl · October 2013

We live in Canada and DW'd in Hawaii. My Uncle and his GF go every year for about a month on vacation, ever since I was a kid. They and my MOH just happened to pick the same hotel. They normally go in the spring, so our dates overlapped. I knew he wasn't going to go regardless of where it was, due to his relationship now with the family. But I still invited him to everything since he's family. My Mom said don't bother inviting him since he won't come, but I wasn't willing to stoop to that level. If he wants to have us out of his life, that will be his choice, not me giving him an out.

HisGirlFriday13 · October 2013

I always write a nice note on RSVP cards if I can't attend, except for my cousin's wedding this year. I haven't seen the kid in 12+ years, I've never met his FI, and there's history of bad blood between his mother and us.

I wrote, "HisGirl and her FI regretfully decline your very kind invitation" on the card (there was no "declines" box to check), and let it go.

But then my aunt, the MOG, called my father to find out (a) why I had RSVP'd no and (b) why I had done it so fast because we couldn't possibly have fully considered the invitation before declining it.

Uhm, you sent us a STDate. I looked at my calendar then, realised that we could go, but didn't want to go, and sent back the RSVP promptly so as not to be rude. I don't have to give you a good reason for not going, I just have to RSVP appropriately and timely.

APDSS22 · October 2013

I had a few cousins on H's side that declined because they were due to give birth around that same time. I totally understand not wanting to travel across the country when you're carrying a little person who might pop out at any time. They put little notes on the back of the response card and it made me feel pretty nice considering I hadn't met these cousins because we've not had a family event for that side yet (in the 6+ years he and I have been together.)

My least favorite was the friend of mine from high school who was *surprise!* getting married the day after me and had never mentioned moving her wedding date (she originally was planning for at least 2 weeks ahead of my date) and hadn't yet sent out her wedding invites. Putting the note on my response card was how I found out. We got her invite in the mail a few days later. Unfortunately I had to regretfully decline booking it up from my wedding night to see her get married in a state that's at least a 12 hour drive away. Since I sent her an STD I have to assume she didn't really care if I made it or not anyway.

loca4pook · October 2013

I have one.

My sister's friend had voluntarily told my sister she would watch my niece at the reception Remember: nobody asked her to do this job, but my sister was excited she offered. In fact, she went out of her way to tell a mutual single friend that she was going to watch the baby because SHE had children, therefore was qualified to be the "babysitter" (basically hurting the single person's feelings in the process).

She ended up declining because she had tickets to a play that night (despite knowing the date of the wedding a YEAR in advance)

I later found out she was telling people she was finding excuses to get out of attending my wedding.

It stung because I have literally known this woman my entire life and had no idea why my wedding would be something she needed to "get out of". It hurt

AddieCake · October 2013

All of our declines included a note as to why.

WedReMix13 · October 2013

For me if they declined they just gave a brief explanation.

orwhatuwill · October 2013

Not a single decline has explained or left a note on the rsvp card. Our deadline is next Friday. Maybe it's because we're gay? Who knows. I'm probably being over sensitive.

loca4pook · October 2013

orwhatuwill said:

Not a single decline has explained or left a note on the rsvp card. Our deadline is next Friday. Maybe it's because we're gay? Who knows. I'm probably being over sensitive.

Just so you know, many of our declines never wrote a word. Please don't take it personally. Congrats..don't let they naysayers bother you!

WonderRed · October 2013

One of FIs good friends wrote a little poem on the card essentially telling us they were heartbroken they couldn't come and would be with us in spirit.

short+sassy · October 2013

Two of my guests (a couple) called my mom the morning of the wedding that they would be unable to attend because the wife was having a bad day medically. She does have a serious medical condition, so that was not side-eyed at all. I would have liked to have seen them because it has been years, but I understood. My uncle and his family declined to my mom, but sent a lovely wedding card expressing their regret and good wishes. They were OOT, so also understandable.

Bonzo2011 · October 2013

I haven't been on these boards in a long while, but popped back in since one of my BFF's just got engaged. And I have to share the story of our best decline: DH and I were introduced by a mutual friend in college. This friend and I ended up being housemates for a couple years, we all stayed very close. She is in forestry, and does seasonal wildlife work. Unfortunately, she was unable to attend our wedding because it was owl hatching season and during hatching time a 5 hour drive down from the wilderness isn't possible. She sent a very sweet letter, and then when she visited at the end of the summer, she brought us an owl themed gift! We had a decent number of declines, most of which included at least a short message. For us though, none topped the friend who missed the wedding due to baby owls.

SP29 · October 2013

Of the guests who have declined our invitation so far, only one couple has written us a brief note in addition to the decline.

kitty8403 · October 2013

Bonzo2011 said:
I haven't been on these boards in a long while, but popped back in since one of my BFF's just got engaged. And I have to share the story of our best decline:
DH and I were introduced by a mutual friend in college. This friend and I ended up being housemates for a couple years, we all stayed very close. She is in forestry, and does seasonal wildlife work. Unfortunately, she was unable to attend our wedding because it was owl hatching season and during hatching time a 5 hour drive down from the wilderness isn't possible. She sent a very sweet letter, and then when she visited at the end of the summer, she brought us an owl themed gift!
We had a decent number of declines, most of which
included at least a short message. For us though, none topped the friend who missed the wedding due to baby owls.

^LOL! I totally believe this. An ex-gf of one of our guests used to do weed treatments in the wilderness--coming in and out was a multi-day packing trip and they had little to no outside contact for weeks at a stretch. That's hilarious though.

MuppetOverlord · October 2013

My MILs friend (who is loud and obnoxious and we don't like) was invited as a courtesy.

We did not invite her daughter (or anyone else's kids)

She tried to get his mother to invite her daughter and MIL said no. She made a big stink about it and wrote us a guilt trip on the RSVP card in her decline.

We were elated simply by the decline. She saw our wedding video this weekend and told me I look like I've lost a "ton" of weight since the wedding. I said no, not really, it was 3 weeks ago. She said, you really look great now!

Thanks for telling me I look really fat on my wedding day. So sorry you weren't there to tell me in person.....

heathertims · October 2013

My cousins did not even RSVP. They are full on weirdos. I havent seen the oldest one in about 10 years, and the last time i saw the younger brother he was a total arrogant douche.
Well, I invited them to the wedding anyway cause it would make my grandmother and my aunt (their mom) happy. Theyre mom was so excited because the oldest one "thought he could come". She told me this in feb 2013. Well, he never RSVPd to my Sept wedding. Still havent heard from them. I sent out the invite TWICE (evite, i saw they got them too!).

My brother got engaged this summer and is now stuck with the dilema to invite them or not. He is getting pressure from my mom and another aunt that he "has to". We know they won't come, but they will probably not RSVP either, and his venue has very limited space and wants to invite other people.

CLI242009 · October 2013

heathertims said:

My cousins did not even RSVP. They are full on weirdos. I havent seen the oldest one in about 10 years, and the last time i saw the younger brother he was a total arrogant douche.
Well, I invited them to the wedding anyway cause it would make my grandmother and my aunt (their mom) happy. Theyre mom was so excited because the oldest one "thought he could come". She told me this in feb 2013. Well, he never RSVPd to my Sept wedding. Still havent heard from them. I sent out the invite TWICE (evite, i saw they got them too!).

My brother got engaged this summer and is now stuck with the dilema to invite them or not. He is getting pressure from my mom and another aunt that he "has to". We know they won't come, but they will probably not RSVP either, and his venue has very limited space and wants to invite other people.

For me I would say do not give in, but you have to ask yourself "is it worth all you'll hear if you don't invite them?" plus also is the cost of per person worth either damaging your relationship with you grandma and aunt or losing a relationship with them. (Extreme but it does happen).

I almost followed this rule, our guest list would of been up in the 250-300 bracket if we listened to everyone who said "had to" come. We put our foot down.

If it's limited seating I would not choose to do it. *knock on wood* Say you invite them knowing they won't show, but then they do? I wouldn't invite them.

APDSS22 · October 2013

heathertims said:

My cousins did not even RSVP. They are full on weirdos. I havent seen the oldest one in about 10 years, and the last time i saw the younger brother he was a total arrogant douche.
Well, I invited them to the wedding anyway cause it would make my grandmother and my aunt (their mom) happy. Theyre mom was so excited because the oldest one "thought he could come". She told me this in feb 2013. Well, he never RSVPd to my Sept wedding. Still havent heard from them. I sent out the invite TWICE (evite, i saw they got them too!).

My brother got engaged this summer and is now stuck with the dilema to invite them or not. He is getting pressure from my mom and another aunt that he "has to". We know they won't come, but they will probably not RSVP either, and his venue has very limited space and wants to invite other people.

If he invites them then doesn't hear from them, I'd have him leave them a message saying something like "if I don't hear from you by X date, I will unfortunately have to mark you as a decline." Since they're not likely to show anyway, I think this is the politest, safest way to go. Of course, he could also stand firm and just not invite them. Totally his call.

annathy03 · October 2013

MuppetOverlord said:
My MILs friend (who is loud and obnoxious and we don't like) was invited as a courtesy.

We did not invite her daughter (or anyone else's kids)

She tried to get his mother to invite her daughter and MIL said no. She made a big stink about it and wrote us a guilt trip on the RSVP card in her decline.

We were elated simply by the decline. She saw our wedding video this weekend and told me I look like I've lost a "ton" of weight since the wedding. I said no, not really, it was 3 weeks ago. She said, you really look great now!

Thanks for telling me I look really fat on my wedding day. So sorry you weren't there to tell me in person.....

So, I know you know this, but you looked fantastic on your wedding day. And fuck that bitch, I'm glad you didn't have to deal with her at such a joyous occasion.

triciaandkenswedding · October 2013

For my first wedding one of my father's cousins was on vacation in Mexico. They sent a nice note and then mailed us a postcard on our wedding day with a note that they were thinking of us and toasted us when the ceremony started! Very sweet and thoughtful.

heathertims · November 2013

TheFutureMrsRohlman22 said:

heathertims said:

My cousins did not even RSVP. They are full on weirdos. I havent seen the oldest one in about 10 years, and the last time i saw the younger brother he was a total arrogant douche.
Well, I invited them to the wedding anyway cause it would make my grandmother and my aunt (their mom) happy. Theyre mom was so excited because the oldest one "thought he could come". She told me this in feb 2013. Well, he never RSVPd to my Sept wedding. Still havent heard from them. I sent out the invite TWICE (evite, i saw they got them too!).

My brother got engaged this summer and is now stuck with the dilema to invite them or not. He is getting pressure from my mom and another aunt that he "has to". We know they won't come, but they will probably not RSVP either, and his venue has very limited space and wants to invite other people.

If he invites them then doesn't hear from them, I'd have him leave them a message saying something like "if I don't hear from you by X date, I will unfortunately have to mark you as a decline." Since they're not likely to show anyway, I think this is the politest, safest way to go. Of course, he could also stand firm and just not invite them. Totally his call.

Personally, I hope he doesn't invite them. I know he doesnt want them there. I didn't either, but my venue held 400 people, we gave people WAY over the regular amount of time to reply (sent out invites ridiculously early) and we invited ALL of my husband's family. In the end 2 extra people made no difference to me. But i did find it incredibly rude not to invite to your own cousins wedding.

As for my brother, his venue hold 130 people, and he wants 130 people. He is cutting WAY down on family, as he and his finance have a large group of friends they really want to invite.

Sharpschruter22 · November 2013

This was not a nice decline, but it saved us lots of money which made me happy, .

We had a no kids wedding and reception. I addressed the invites to only the adults and for his 2nd cousin's invite marked that 2 seats were reserved in their honor, her decline to me said: Thank you for reserving 2 seats in our honor, but we are a family of 5.

Ummm ok. It was MY wedding and my now husband and I invited who we wanted. Sorry lady we control our guest list, mot you. She made a big stink about it to her mother (my MIL's sister) and she didn't come because of that. It was really ridiculous.

What were your best declines?

Re: What were your best declines?

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