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Wedding Etiquette Forum

I don't want my FI's nasty relative at my bridal shower... help!

Years ago, my FI's cousin hosted a party on New Years Eve, at her house.  She becomes belligerent when she drinks excessively.  As the night wore on, she accused me of making a pass at her husband!  She got in my face and called me a wh*re.  Okay,  I hate to state the obvious, but I was there with MY boyfriend.... her cousin!  Why would I try to pick up any man, let alone someone in my FI's family?  It was so utterly absurd.  She became so violent, her husband had to stop her from coming after me.  She clawed his face so bad, it look like he got into a car accident. My FI is adamant, that she be invited to our wedding.  Fine.  I will just try to avoid her and hope she doesn't make a scene.  There will be a lot of people there so that should be easier to do.  The bridal shower is being hosted by my step-mother and sister, and I really don't want this woman in my family's house.  She is my FI's guest... NOT MINE.  It was about 6 years ago since this happened.  She never talks to me at social functions, and has never apologized for her behavior.  She has gone to two other weddings after she went nuts on me and made a scene at both, and another one she had to be taken away by an ambulance for a meltdown.  Her mom is the sweetest person.  Can I invite his aunt without inviting her daughter?  How would I answer questions if people asked?

Re: I don't want my FI's nasty relative at my bridal shower... help!

  • Yes absolutely.  You don't have to invite every person invited to the wedding. Just because she is your FI cousin, doesn't mean she deserves an invitation to your bridal shower. Who would ask?  Her mother? No one should be questioning your list, say something like you wanted to keep it small or whatever.  Though I might make a comment that her behavior at past events made you not want to invite her if someone pushes farther than that, but then they are being rude.
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  • Agreed. You can invite one without the other. The only rule is that anyone who is invited to the shower should also be on the wedding invite guest list. But, not every wedding guest has to be invited to the shower. 
  • You can exclude this person from the guest list for the shower.  I certainly would.
  • @ PDKH some people that I know had large showers where all women invited to the wedding were invited to the bridal shower (even wives of FI work friends- that I thought was weird, because she never even met them).  I haven't met all of my FI aunts and female cousins, but I plan on putting them on the bridal shower list, because I'd like them to know they are included- they will be family.  However, I don't plan on putting girlfriends or wives of my FI friends, other than his best man's wife.  I think female family of the groom is expected to be invited to the shower depending on your family dynamics. My mother and sisters and I were invited to my cousin's wife's shower, even though we never met her.  We went, and it was nice to meet some of her family before the wedding.  But if this woman is causing drama wherever she goes, definitely keep her off the list.

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  • Yes, exclude
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    You'll never be subject to a cash bar, gap, potluck wedding, or b-list if you marry a Muppet Overlord.
  • Do not let that crazy woman darken your doorstep.
  • Feel free to exclude her. If anyone asks just say I was asked to invite those I am close to.
  • Well she sounds like a peach.

    I'm with everyone else, not only is it ok to not have her there, I'd say it's recommended.

     

  • Wow. Yeah, definitely do not invite her. I'm also curious why your FI wants to invite her to the wedding. She sounds extremely unstable. 
  • Ditto scribe.  Why is this cousin even allowed to be invited.  Drunk or not, she was threatening physical violence against you and did scratch the hell out of her husband!  Do not invite her to the shower and I would be adament to not invite her to the wedding either! 

    If she must come, warn your venue to cut her off immediately if she looks too intoxicated and have her removed from the premesis at first outburst.

  • If someone threatened me or one of guests physical harm they would NOT be invited to my wedding or any other event.  You have no obligations to accomdate this woman and I would have a serious conversation with your FI asking him why he thinks she should be invited to the wedding.
  • Two issues:

    1) While anyone invited to the shower also must be invited to the wedding, it's not the other way around (same for engagement parties, bachelor/ette parties, etc). So you could still invite this cousin to the wedding even if you didn't invite her to the shower. You're the guest of honor at your shower (not you AND your fiance), so you're the person to supply the guest list. Leave this person off the list.

    2) You need to sit down with your fiance and talk about why he wants this cousin invited to the wedding. In general, you'll see that the folks here on TK will stick to certain etiquette rules, like, "Anyone who gets a save-the-date gets an invitation," or, "You can't uninvite someone," or, "All significant others need to be invited," and then say ... "except in extreme circumstances."

    A guest becoming violent in reaction to something they think you did? That is really not okay. That is definitely a good reason not to invite someone. You feel like your safety is at risk. If your fiance is adamant that you invite someone to your wedding who might actually attack you or another guest, you need to find a counselor or someone to talk to together. This is ridiculous.
    Anniversary
    now with ~* INCREASED SASSINESS *~
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  • I think Phira's comment covers all the bases! It sounds like the reason your FI may be adamant is because this girl's his cousin and she's family bla da bla, but you are going to be his new family and he needs to respect your concern for your own safety as well as safety of your other guests. She may do nothing to you and be as sweet as pie to you and your fi at your wedding, but what if one of your guests does something she doesn't like?

    This woman sounds like a hot mess, I would definitely NOT invite her to the shower, since you do get a large say in the guest list and your fi gets none. Your aunt and your cousin are two separate family units, it's not an all or none type of situation. If your aunt gets upset her daughter isn't invited, then she will make the decision not to come. If this woman has the history she does, then your aunt can't exactly blame you for not wanting her there. If she does have a problem with it, then she's an enabler that bad behavior's acceptable and there should be no consequences.

    If there is no getting out of not having this cousin at the wedding, I'd show the bartender her photograph and have her cut off after half of a drink. *hmmm maybe that may be bad form* but definitely make sure your wedding coordinator keeps a very close eye on her.
  • I also don't get why your FI wants to invite a person to his wedding that threatened his future wife. If the family knows that she gets out of control and knows the history, I don't understand why she needs to be invited to the wedding at all.

    My DH has an alcoholic uncle whose invitation status was tentative until we heard for sure that he was definitely doing a lot of drinking/partying/etc. when we sent out the invitations. Sometimes you have to make a tough call like that.
    This.

    I don't understand this, and not to call your relationship into question, but that would be a red flag for me.
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