Groom wants children to attend wedding.. I don't!

Re: Groom wants children to attend wedding.. I don't!

• tawillers member

  

  October 2013

  There are a few things going on here.

  One, you and your FI have a communication issue.  Not willing to discuss something at all is a problem.  He should listen to your reasons and in return, you should listen and consider his. 

  Two, your reasons/excuses for not having children are all really up to their parents to decide.  For example, you have no idea whether the kids will be fussy after driving and you have no say about whether it's appropriate for them to be around alcohol.  The food thing is just silly.  What are you serving?  Sushi?  And do you really think the kids are going to wander off?  Their parents don't pay attention to them?

  Three, you just don't want kids at the wedding.  It's fine.  Just say that you would prefer an adults only reception.

  Four, you still have a couple years to discuss this issue.  If you ultimately decide to have no kids at the wedding, you will receive some backlash, but only if you open yourself up to it.  You'll have to refrain from discussing it with your guests (giving them reasons).  Just keep it short and sweet - "FI and I have decided to have an adults only wedding."  End of discussion.  And don't make exceptions.  You can't allow your sister's kid to come but not your FI's cousin's kids.

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• doeydo member

  

  October 2013

  I agree with tawillers that you and your FI have an issue.  You need to talk to each other and listen to each other and come to a decision together.  If his only reason is not wanting to "come off as smug", I, personally, think that is kind of ridiculous.  People have weddings without kids all the time, and it is completely fine to do so.

  
  

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• Teddy917 member

  

  October 2013

  tawillers said:

  There are a few things going on here.

  One, you and your FI have a communication issue.  Not willing to discuss something at all is a problem.  He should listen to your reasons and in return, you should listen and consider his. 

  Two, your reasons/excuses for not having children are all really up to their parents to decide.  For example, you have no idea whether the kids will be fussy after driving and you have no say about whether it's appropriate for them to be around alcohol.  The food thing is just silly.  What are you serving?  Sushi?  And do you really think the kids are going to wander off?  Their parents don't pay attention to them?

  Three, you just don't want kids at the wedding.  It's fine.  Just say that you would prefer an adults only reception.

  Four, you still have a couple years to discuss this issue.  If you ultimately decide to have no kids at the wedding, you will receive some backlash, but only if you open yourself up to it.  You'll have to refrain from discussing it with your guests (giving them reasons).  Just keep it short and sweet - "FI and I have decided to have an adults only wedding."  End of discussion.  And don't make exceptions.  You can't allow your sister's kid to come but not your FI's cousin's kids.

  Agree except the last part. It is perfectly acceptable to invite children in circles.

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• HisGirlFriday13 member

  

  October 2013 edited October 2013

  Myrn91 said:

  We've only just begun the planning process, and the wedding will not happen for another few years, but we've already hit a wall. We hardly ever disagree on anything so it shocked me when he stood his ground on this one. He doesn't even want to negotiate. Before I even explained why I wanted no kids attending he told me that he didn't want us to come off as smug to the families. I don't mind kids and would like to have some of my own one day, and I know that anything can go wrong during a wedding so I'm not expecting perfection here, but I have some legitimate reasons why I don't want them there. For one most of the families live about 2 hours away from where the wedding and reception will be held. The kids will already be fussy from the drive. then they have to endure a ceremony and reception which will be late in the day so that means missed nap times and staying up late not to mention a long car trip back. I'm not serving special food for picky eaters. And there will be alcohol. There are some party animals on both sides and I just don't think that will be an appropriate environment. It's out in the countryside so if kids wander off (knowing these rascals they will) it could be dangerous. It's not just my groom either. The moms are probley going to give me hell for this and I'd just like my groom to hear me out and then stick up for me when the invites go out. I'm willing to work with 10 and up but I just can't agree to any lower. Any advice or opinions to help me stand my ground?
  

  First of all, the word is 'probably,' not 'probley.'

  
  

  Then, in order:

  
  

  1. You have a communication problem. There are few WR-choices in which one party can unilaterally make a decision and the other party can't overrule them (BM shoes, for example; the bride can choose and the groom can STFU).

  
  

  2. No, actually, you do not have legitimate reasons for this.

  
  

  3. You're being incredibly judgemental, and you're making decisions in loco parentis (in the place of the parents). Parents know their children. Some will choose to bring their kids, if invited, and some won't.

  
  

  4. Your statement, 'I'm not serving special food for picky eaters,' is both bitchy and narrow-minded. What if you have vegan/vegetarian/lactose-free/gluten-free people? Are you going to tell them, 'Sorry, you're SOL'? Also, you assume all children are picky eaters. They're not. Some are, if their parents let them be, and others aren't. Don't be a McJudgeyPants.

  
  

  5. You have time to decide this, and yes, you and your FI need to be on the same page, but you both need to learn to compromise. Maybe you invite kids 10 and up, maybe you invite in circles, whatever. The only rules are: You can't split up families based on age (i.e., you can't invite an over-10 kid in a family and not the 8-year-old); you can invite in circles (your nieces/nephews, FI's nieces/nephews, but not your cousins' kids); you can selectively apply the rule to non-family kids (i.e., OOT guests yes, in-town guests no). 

  
  

  ETA: Fix typo

  

  
  

  
  

  I'm gonna go with 'not my circus, not my monkeys.'

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• Myrn91 member

  

  October 2013

  Well thanks for the opinions. I was expecting some constructive and destructive criticism since this is the internet. We ended up negotiating and we both made compromises. We will have children attending but for those who end up bringing the children under 10 they will be babysat by a hired nanny so they don't get bored and can be looked after while the parents enjoy themselves. We decided on a special kids menu as well that way we can have what we like. The venue is a farm so maybe they can enjoy the animals as well. We will also figure out a way to notify parents before hand, perhaps RSVP card, that there will be child care provided for 10 and under. Again thanks.

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• Teddy917 member

  

  October 2013

  You can't invite children and then tell the parents that the children will be babysat.
  1. Either invite them or don't. If someone RSVPs for a child who wasn't invited, say that the invite was for Mr and Mrs
  2. Parents probably won't want to leave their child with a stranger.

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• 6fsn member

  

  October 2013

  Myrn91 said:

  Well thanks for the opinions. I was expecting some constructive and destructive criticism since this is the internet. We ended up negotiating and we both made compromises. We will have children attending but for those who end up bringing the children under 10 they will be babysat by a hired nanny so they don't get bored and can be looked after while the parents enjoy themselves. We decided on a special kids menu as well that way we can have what we like. The venue is a farm so maybe they can enjoy the animals as well. We will also figure out a way to notify parents before hand, perhaps RSVP card, that there will be child care provided for 10 and under. Again thanks.

  I'm glad you compromised, but you might need to think a bit more on this.  I'd leave my 5 yo with a hired nanny, but it's doubtful I'd leave my 9 month old.  Even when I go to my mom's group with the same sitter for 2 years I don't always leave him if it's chaos.
  
  You also assume parents can't have fun with their kids.  I can have fun either way, but I'm not going to have fun if I'm worried my kid is getting trampled.
  
  Ultimately it's your decision.  I'm just saying you're going to need more thought about the logistics.
  

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• HisGirlFriday13 member

  

  October 2013

  Myrn91 said:

  Well thanks for the opinions. I was expecting some constructive and destructive criticism since this is the internet. We ended up negotiating and we both made compromises. We will have children attending but for those who end up bringing the children under 10 they will be babysat by a hired nanny so they don't get bored and can be looked after while the parents enjoy themselves. We decided on a special kids menu as well that way we can have what we like. The venue is a farm so maybe they can enjoy the animals as well. We will also figure out a way to notify parents before hand, perhaps RSVP card, that there will be child care provided for 10 and under. Again thanks.

  What part of "don't make decisions on behalf of the parents" do you not understand? Really??

  
  

  Some parents -- most parents -- are not going to be OK with handing over their children to a nanny/babysitter that they don't know and didn't hire. They're just not. You don't get to make decisions for the parents. 

  
  

  Your choices are to invite the parents with the children and let them (THE PARENTS) make decisions about the children or invite the parents without the children and let them (THE PARENTS) make decisions about whether or not to come. You don't get to make decisions for them (THE PARENTS) because these aren't your kids and it's not your call. 

  

  
  

  
  

  I'm gonna go with 'not my circus, not my monkeys.'

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• Myrn91 member

  

  October 2013

  Honestly, I'm not looking for an argument. I just went from a preconceived notion that I've always had about what my wedding would be like to a completely different one by allowing children into the picture. I literally just started putting thought into this. Of course the edges are rough right now and I plan on working them out with my friends and family when the time comes. The wedding is no where near so I'm not that worried about things. If someone has a new born I'm not going to tell them they can't be with their child. If the parents with the toddlers want to step away from festivities and have some fun with the kids and walk them around the farm that's fine. I'm not bothered. What I am ultimately worried about lack of supervision. It's a legitimate concern. I've seen it happen at the last two weddings I attended where kids were unsupervised by water because the parents got too caught up in conversations and such. I'm not trying to be these kids parent. I just don't want anything horrible to happen to them. I've watched these kids grow up from babies. They've called me their aunt since before my fiancé proposed. I don't blame you for sticking up for the parents though. If they don't like my provided supervision then they can leave the kids at home with a babysitter of their own or choose to not attend. I'm not going to break their arm on this but in the end it's not their wedding day and I'm sure they will understand.

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• Grabows14 member

  

  October 2013

  If the wedding is not for a few years, I think you are getting way too detailed on this. Just say to yourself, we will have kids at the wedding and leave at that for now. Don't plan for anything involving that situation now, just take it easy and enjoy being engaged for a few months.

  

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• kgd7357 member

  

  October 2013

  I didn't really want kids at out wedding, but my parent's wouldn't go for that either. We did decide to limit kids to only 1st and 2nd cousins of my generation (e.g., my 25 y/o cousin's 1 y/o is not invited, but his 16 y/o bother is). Which for the most part left a bunch of teenagers (totally fine with me, I loved weddings as a teenager), but it did leave three little guys (6-8). We aren't doing anything special for them except asking their parents if they prefer pasta (also the veggie option) instead of steak. Much like you, we are only offering different dishes for dietary restrictions.

  1) Limit by circle and generation.

  2) Let the parents figure it out if you invite them.

  3) If you are going to offer child care, it must be OPTIONAL.

  4) Hard age cut offs aren't the best idea. If I was a 9 y/o and my 11 y/o brother got to go to a wedding and I didn't, I would be so upset.

  5) It sounds like you are starting to compromise, you are on the right track, but you may need to rethink the strategy.

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