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NWR -- Best friend's SO is just awful

tmclawchicktmclawchick member
5 Love Its First Comment Name Dropper First Anniversary
in Chit Chat

Looking for some advice here. I've had 2 best friends for about 25 years, I'll call them Jen and Emma. Emma has been in an on-again/off-again relationship for about 5 years now; they've been 'on' for about 3 years. The problem is, Jen and I think this guy is absolutely wrong for Emma. For example, he makes hurtful comments about Emma's appearance, finding a younger woman, etc. but then says "I was just kidding!" when someone calls him out on it. He has a lot of baggage from family issues that are still haunting him, and clearly impacting their relationship in a negative way...and yet when Emma has brought up therapy, he agrees that he should talk to somebody, but never follows through. Jen and I have tolerated him while making our feelings clear to Emma that she can do so much better than him. It seems to fall on deaf ears.

This morning, I get a text from Emma asking for advice, because they're thinking of moving in together, but her mother is devastated because (1) she's opposed to living together before marriage for religious reasons, and (2) she thinks that Emma's SO will have no incentive to marry her, and/or that she'll end up being "stuck". I have to admit I share that opinion. This guy is SO WRONG and so unwilling to work on himself and his issues; but she seems unwilling to accept it.

So here I am, trying to give sound advice but I'm drawing a blank. Anything?

 

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Re: NWR -- Best friend's SO is just awful

  • climbingsingleclimbingsingle member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    Well, she won't ever be "stuck". You can always leave. And it's a lot easier to leave when you're not married. I'm assuming they're going to rent a place and not buy?

    I've been in this situation before. One of my best friends dated a guy that was awful. We tried to talk to her. She didn't want to hear it. She eventually broke up with him, but she had to do it on her own terms. Obviously none of us could force her. I made my feelings clear, but I also told her I'd support her and be there for her no matter what. We had a friend that would not let up about this guy. She constantly told my friend what an asshole he was. She said she wouldn't support her. And it drove a huge wedge between their friendship. Even now, 3 years after she broke up with the loser, they still don't speak. 

    Anyway, I personally feel that you really don't know someone until you live with them. I might even encourage her to give it a try. There's a very good chance she'll finally see his true colors and grow tired of it. 
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  • tmclawchicktmclawchick member
    5 Love Its First Comment Name Dropper First Anniversary
    ClimbingBrideNY said:
    Well, she won't ever be "stuck". You can always leave. And it's a lot easier to leave when you're not married. I'm assuming they're going to rent a place and not buy?

    I've been in this situation before. One of my best friends dated a guy that was awful. We tried to talk to her. She didn't want to hear it. She eventually broke up with him, but she had to do it on her own terms. Obviously none of us could force her. I made my feelings clear, but I also told her I'd support her and be there for her no matter what. We had a friend that would not let up about this guy. She constantly told my friend what an asshole he was. She said she wouldn't support her. And it drove a huge wedge between their friendship. Even now, 3 years after she broke up with the loser, they still don't speak. 

    Anyway, I personally feel that you really don't know someone until you live with them. I might even encourage her to give it a try. There's a very good chance she'll finally see his true colors and grow tired of it. 
    This is exactly our situation. I'm the one who's supportive, and Jen is more aggressive. *sigh* Thanks for the advice... maybe I'll just reiterate my concerns again and just hope she see the light sooner rather than later.

     

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  • radleybooradleyboo member
    First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    ClimbingBrideNY said:
    Well, she won't ever be "stuck". You can always leave. And it's a lot easier to leave when you're not married. I'm assuming they're going to rent a place and not buy?

    I've been in this situation before. One of my best friends dated a guy that was awful. We tried to talk to her. She didn't want to hear it. She eventually broke up with him, but she had to do it on her own terms. Obviously none of us could force her. I made my feelings clear, but I also told her I'd support her and be there for her no matter what. We had a friend that would not let up about this guy. She constantly told my friend what an asshole he was. She said she wouldn't support her. And it drove a huge wedge between their friendship. Even now, 3 years after she broke up with the loser, they still don't speak. 

    Anyway, I personally feel that you really don't know someone until you live with them. I might even encourage her to give it a try. There's a very good chance she'll finally see his true colors and grow tired of it. 
    This.

    She's reached out to you and asked for advice, so obviously there is something in the back of her mind that she's unsure of.  Take her to lunch, talk with her, and really listen.  Share your concerns, be kind and supportive.  The PP is right, though, she needs to come to terms with this on her own.  
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  • OliveOilsMomOliveOilsMom member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its

    Ask to meet with her.  Tell her that you have told her all before how you think she can do way better than her current BF.  I would advise her that if she truly wants to move in with BF, she insists on counseling and that it starts prior to them moving in.  And that he must commit to x amount of days per month.

    Do you think with proper counseling, that he could be a good guy for your friend? 

    I would also tell Jen that she needs to back off on her outward hating of the BF, so that it doesn't hurt Emma & Jen's friendship any further.

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  • CLoGreenEyesCLoGreenEyes member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment Name Dropper
    I agree with PPs. Definitely remind her that you are here for her and that you'll support her, but just remind her that all the behaviors she doesn't like now will STILL be there when they move in together. I also love the idea of asking if she might make counseling a requirement before they take this step.

    It sounds like he knows there's something wrong with the way he is treating her, but he's not ready to deal with it. Hopefully this will be the impetus he needs to make some serious changes. If not, your friend is lucky to have friends who are listening to her and paying attention to what's going on in her life.
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