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Etiquette

Should exes ever be invited?

In general, my answer to the above is no.
I have an ex-fiancé who will not be asked, and FI has an ex-gf who he has chosen not to ask (even though I know her and do not object to having her come).
But are all exes EXES just because you went out way back when? I'm thinking about like the people most of us dated or had summer flings with in high school--went out, sure, but no major physical boundaries (unless we count kissing) crossed. Should we exclude old friends who moved on long ago?

Re: Should exes ever be invited?

  • Personally I'd have no problem including them if 1) we were still genuinely friends and 2) there was no romantic feeling still there on either side.  I've been with FI for almost 8 years though and it happens that none of the people I've stayed in touch with are the ones I've dated, and FI is in the same boat.  There are people both of us dated pretty innocently that if we were still friends with I'd have no qualms inviting, they just don't warrant a seat over the people we spend time with now.

    I think those two stipulations are important because if 1) isn't true, then they don't warrant an invite and might think you're just showing off, plus we all make cuts to the guest list and better friends are the ones that make it, and if 2) isn't true (presumably on their side since generic "you" is happily engaged) then the friendship is probably inappropriate until they're past it, and possibly a bit cruel.
    doeydobeachbum7212jendemeyer
  • bethsmilesbethsmiles Denver, CO member
    10000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    edited October 2013
    I have an ex whose family is now good friends with my family. The relationship ended years ago. He is married now (I wasn't invited to his wedding, don't know if it's because I'm his ex) and I'm happy in my relationship. I don't know if they will be invited to my wedding but its a possibility depending on if we have room. I wouldn't not invite him just because we dated a long time ago. We've been friends longer than we dated.

    I was invited to one of my ex's weddings. I didn't go (couldn't take time off to travel) but it didn't seem weird. We were good friends before and after we dated.

    Personally I think your relationship with them now matters more than what your relationship was with them in the past. If they are a good friend and you want them there then I don't see a problem inviting them.


    doeydojendemeyer
  • One of my exes was invited to our wedding, and we were invited to his. We dated in high school, and are great friends now. No big deal. 
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  • 2 years ago when I first proposed we sat down with the guest list, and my son's mom was on there, but that's because we were friends and my son is going to play a big part in our wedding.  I haven't talked to her since May of 2012, so "now" the answer would be "no," but we did think about it.  I guess it all depends on circumstances.
  • My ex is invited to our wedding.  He is my son's father, and we are all friends.  FI is completely okay with the idea, or we wouldn't have invited him. 

     

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  • One of my ex's is invited but we dated over 10 years ago (in highschool) and it a) never went very far physically and b) only lasted maybe a few months.  We are still good friends - and spend time with him and his current gf frequently.

    My FI's ex WIFE however is NOT invited becuase - I - would have a problem with that.  (He never asked for her tobe invited anyway )... I think thats because a) they only split up a few years ago and b) it clearly got a lot more serious than just dating in highschool. 

    My FI's ex BIL is inviited .... not my favourite idea but I wasn't going to make it a hill to die on - they became very good friends while my FI was with his ex wife - and still remain close to this day.  I trust that with so many other people there I will barely notice - and they live a few hours away so they might choose not to come anyway. 
  • climbingwifeclimbingwife NYC 'burbs member
    10000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    One of FI's ex-girlfriends will be attending our wedding with her husband. She and my FI broke up 10 years ago after dating for 12 years. They are still friends. He attended her wedding last year. Also, I really genuinely like her and her husband. 

    Also, one of my ex-boyfriends will be attending the wedding with his girlfriend. This ex is actually the reason I met FI for the first time back in 2008. They're good friends. This ex and I dated on and off for a few years. The last time we broke up was 2006. 

  • I think this should be judged totally on a case-by-case basis. My H and I decided a while back that neither of us wanted the other to be in touch with recent exes, which meant we cut those ties a long time ago when we were just dating so it wasn't an issue when creating our wedding guest list. My very first high school fling, however, is now married to my best friend (who was also a bridesmaid in my wedding). It was so long ago that no one cares or ever thinks about it.
    KeptInStitches
  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    10000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    I'd have to agree that it should be decided on a case-by-case basis.

    It really depends on if there is any residual hostility or romantic feeling between the principal and ex in question.  If there is either, I wouldn't do it.
  • Definitely depends on the situation. BUT in my book, exs are never to be invited. The end. Though I'm a jealous bitch and it would annoy the shit outta me. Luckily FI only has one ex and they don't speak so no worries :)
    Daisypath Wedding tickers
  • This is definitely case by case. One of my ex's is good friends with FI. I dated the ex for about 8 or 9 months back in college, we had a mutual break up and a few years later he came out as gay.  He is still a good friend of both of us, and an important person in our lives. FI's ex, on the other hand, is a lunatic who has many many issues. She is still friends with many of FI's friends, but she will not be at our wedding.
  • I invited an ex boyfriend's entire family, less the ex. He would have been invited but I talked to my husband about it and he thought it was weird to meet someone else that I've slept with ON our wedding day. Maybe not so weird if they'd met previously. So I called the ex to talk to him about it first and he understood.

    I've known  the family for over 15 years and they're like my family.

    Other than that, I think the rule of thumb is if we slept with that person, it was a no.


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  • smalfrie19smalfrie19 Home of SB XLVIII Champs member
    500 Love Its 1000 Comments Fourth Anniversary Name Dropper
    I have a friend (read ex) that I have known since we were 11 years old and we dated (and slept together) in high school, but we still managed to stay friends after breaking up. He is now married to another one of my very good friends and they have a child...and yes they are on the guest list to be invited to my wedding...him and my FI actually get along fairly well
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  • I just had this situation come up a couple days ago...

    An exbf from high school messaged me and asked if he and his girlfriend could be invited to my wedding. Normally I would have immediately said sure, but this particular exbf has carried a flame for me since we were in high school....back in the late 80s! In fact his exwife had mesaaged me a couple years ago telling me she knows exactly who I am and that she knew her husband had messaged me (I considered it just a "Hey! How have you been all these years, let's catch up!") and do not have any contact with me bc I have always been the third person in their marriage. They divorced last year.

    Before exbf knew I was with Jason he had tried several times to convince me to give us another try...mind you we were a couple in HIGH SCHOOL IN 1989!

    SO anyway, when he asked if he and his gf could get an invite to the wedding I said that I thought it would awkward and not appropriate. I would love to meet his gf, actually, she seems like a great gal and I'm super happy that he is happy with her. However, I just don't think it would be wise to invite them.

    Personally, if J wanted to invite any  of his exes I'd be totally cool with it. I know his heart is with me.
    ~*~June 21, 2014~*~


  • climbingwifeclimbingwife NYC 'burbs member
    10000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    I just realized there will be another person I slept with at my wedding. The horror! My gay bestie! We were young. I was into him and not really sure that he was gay. We slept together and then he came out to me a week later. Lol. Thankfully my ego wasn't hurt too bad :-P This was 18 years ago and he's one of my very best friends. 

  • Trying to define this by drawing a line in the sand - exes on one side, wedding guests on the other - is ridiculous. Assuming the people getting married are adults in a mature, trusting relationship and understand the reality that there were probably relationships prior to the marriage, this is a non-issue. 
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    bunni727jessicabessicanextrightthing
  • I am inviting my ex and his FI to my wedding.  In college our major was a very close-knit group, made even closer by a professional fraternity (that my ex and FI were in together) and a professional sorority that I was in.  There was a lot of dating between the two groups.  My FI is friends with him too, so there was never any question.  (To be fair, we only dated for a couple months.  My FI was the next person I dated, but now that's 7+ years ago.  Barely anyone even remembers it now)
  • wrigleyvillewrigleyville Chicago member
    2500 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    It really depends on the couple and how they feel about it. My H doesn't speak to his exes anymore, but I have an ex who I was friends with for five years, dated for six months, and have been friends with since then (about eleven years). Our relationship was a blip on the radar, and I haven't had feelings for him since we broke up. 

    H had zero qualms about inviting him, and my "ex" and his new fiancee had a wonderful time. My H was quite happy to meet him, as well, since they live in OH and haven't had a chance to visit us. There wasn't any weirdness.

    That said, I know couples who wouldn't be able to hang out with exes, even if everything was amicable and everyone had moved on. I'm grateful H and my ex's fiancee aren't the jealous type and that we can all be friends.

  • My exhusband is not only invited to the wedding, but his daughter is my flower girl and his wife is a bridesmaid. We have a child together, so we are forced to communicate. I genuinely love his wife and she is one of my greatest friends. I can't invite her and not invite her husband.

    jessicabessicanextrightthing
  • Of course.

    I'm friends with many ex-boyfriends.  Three of them that I can recall off the top of my head were invited to the wedding.  One was one I dated for almost 4 years more or less immediately preceding my husband.  My husband and I are going to dinner with another later this week, who was not invited to the wedding, but with whom I'm still friends and who I dated for almost 2 years.

    One of H's ex-girlfriends, his most serious and one to whom he proposed several years before (she said no), was at our wedding because they're still friends.  In fact, she did a reading during our ceremony.

    We also both hang out with various of our exes without "chaperoning" by the other party.

    We don't have an open relationship of any sort, we just trust each other and recognize that members of the opposite sex can have platonic friendships, even after having relationships of a different sort in the past.
  • For us, neither are close to any exes to want to invite them anyways. FH does have a few friends on his maybe list who have expressed interest in him if both were single. I have drawn the line at any friends who have disrespected our relationship and he does have a few.

    As PPs have said, it is case by case and couple by couple. Each person in the couple is different and thus needs to be handled differently.
    You never lose by loving. You always lose by holding back. - Barbara DeAngelis
  • phiraphira Bahstin member
    5000 Comments 500 Love Its Second Anniversary 5 Answers
    Obviously, it depends.

    I have four exes. High school ex and I are on good terms, but we're not friends anymore, so no reason to invite him. While I'd be polite to my other three exes, we're not on good terms at all and I wouldn't want to spend time with them.

    My partner has two exes; one of them he dated twice. One of them, he's on such bad terms with, he can't be in the same location as her. He's turned down invitations to events (including weddings) because she's invited. However, the person he dated twice is still a friend of his, and she is on our guest list. 
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  • I think it depends on the present relationship with the ex.  I don't think exes should be banned just on principle.

    I have not kept a close friendship with any of my exes that might otherwise warrant them an invitation.  The only ex- that FI regularly deals with is his ex-W because of their children together, but her and I are friendly and I would have no problem inviting her & her daughter to our wedding.  We've even discussed the possibility of inviting her daughter to be a member of the WP, since she's the child we're closest too as a couple and both of her half-siblings are going to be included.  
    Formerly known as flutterbride2b
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  • My H dated one of my best friends in HS, and she and her husband were both in our wedding. I definitely think it depends on the type of relationship that the couple has with an ex.
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  • thejucheideathejucheidea East Nashville, Tennessee member
    Tenth Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    One of my exes was going to be in my wedding party before he was unable to attend thanks to a work issue, and one of his exes was in his wedding party while another was invited to attend but was unable to come. It was absolutely no big deal at all.

    jendemeyer
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