Invited guest wants to send her children in her place?

Re: Invited guest wants to send her children in her place?

• lovesclimbing member

  

  November 2013 edited November 2013

  It was very rude on the daughter's part to fill in her kids' names.

  
  

  Since they are your husband's godparents, he should call them and say "I'm sorry, but the invitation was for Mr. Godparent's daughter and Mrs. Godparent's daughter.  I'm afraid we can't accommodate your children."

  
  

  ETA: what @laurynm84 said because I missed that the invitation said "and guest."

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• Jen4948 member

  

  November 2013

  Tell your FI to call the daughter and say, "I'm sorry, but the invitation was for you and not your children.  We cannot accommodate them.'
  

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• HisGirlFriday13 member

  

  November 2013

  kreila83 said:

  I apologize in advance for the length of this post and the venty-ness (I'm pretty sure I just made that word up) of its nature, but I'm at such a loss.  My fiance and I just received the response card back from his godparents' (40-something) daughter's invitation to our wedding - with the names of her children filled in.  I've never met these kids, he barely knows them...  His godparents' adult daughter was invited with a guest, but apparently she has taken it upon herself to send her children in her place.  I cannot even begin to fathom what the thought process was behind this and I have no idea how to handle it.  We have no idea where to begin to address this.  When we first started planning we agreed that we weren't inviting children (primarily because we don't want our mothers to end up babysitting instead of enjoying our wedding, which is what will happen if our siblings bring their kids).  My concern is that if we don't say anything, just suck it up, and let them come, then his one sister will do nothing but give us crap (probably, and without exaggeration, for the rest of our lives) about why her kids couldn't come but so-and-so's kids could.  That, and really, also, WHO DOES THIS?  Why would it ever be ok to say, "gee, I can't make it, I'll just send someone else in my place."  WTF?  His godparents' daughter's children (this is such a tangential relationship that I'm getting annoyed just writing about it) are 20 and 14 or 15 years old.  I'm not necessarily concerned about their behavior; they don't really need to be supervised, and part of me wants to just not deal with it, stick them at the table with their grandparents, and move on.  But the other part of me (the part of me that is paying for this wedding) wants to scream, "Under what circumstances do you think this is acceptable?  The people who are invited received invitations specifically addressed to them.  Your children did not receive an invitation. If you can't make it, I'm sorry to hear that, but it's not alright to just send someone of your choosing in your place."  We don't want to upset his godparents, as they are very dear to him, but this is so not ok.  I've only met his godparents (and their daughter who did this) once, and I am not comfortable being the person to address this.  What do we do??

  The thought process was that there wasn't one; people are rude assholes, and weddings make them worse.

  
  

  The corrective procedure is to have FI call them up and say, "I'm so sorry, but the invite was for Bob and Sally only. We can't accommodate other, non-invited, guests." If they push back and say, "But it's still only two people," you say, "I'm sorry, but invitations are non-negotiable and non-transferable. If you cannot attend, we understand and you will be missed, but we cannot accept replacement guests."

  

  
  

  
  

  I'm gonna go with 'not my circus, not my monkeys.'

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• SP29 member

  

  November 2013

  That IS weird, and a new one for me!! Do the kids even WANT to go if they don't really know your fiance?

  
  

  Fiance needs to call her up and say "I am sorry but the invitation was for you and a guest. We are unable to accommodate your children" (as has been said by others...). 

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• ktjanesmom member

  

  November 2013

  I have nothing to add except that I am blown away that people think for one second this is ok. Please make your FI call and tell them that it is not.  Dont let it slide. 

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• phira member

  

  November 2013

  Yeah, the key thing here is that invitations are not transferrable. Have your fiance call her up and say, "I'm sorry for the confusion, but the invitation was not for your children. It was for you. We're sorry to hear that you can't make it, but unfortunately, your children were not invited."

  

  now with ~* INCREASED SASSINESS *~
  
  

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• cidefi member

  

  November 2013

  Would you feel the same way it if turned out that she is sick and can't make it, but still wants to be represented in some way since she was invited?

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• aurorajanette member

  

  November 2013

  cidefi said:

  Would you feel the same way it if turned out that she is sick and can't make it, but still wants to be represented in some way since she was invited?

  That's a completely made up scenario and is not the case at all. This argument is completely irrelevant.
  

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• huskypuppy14 member

  

  November 2013

  aurorajanette said:

  cidefi said:

  Would you feel the same way it if turned out that she is sick and can't make it, but still wants to be represented in some way since she was invited?

  That's a completely made up scenario and is not the case at all. This argument is completely irrelevant.
  

  Agree.  It would only be acceptable if she had already given an RSVP for herself and knew suddenly she wasn't going to be able to make it, and asked the bride and groom if her daughters could come in her place. Key word is asked.  Invites are non transferable and it's up to the bride and groom if they want to make an exception.  

  
  

  
  

  
  

  
  

  
  

  
  

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• MobKaz member

  

  November 2013

  cidefi said:

  Would you feel the same way it if turned out that she is sick and can't make it, but still wants to be represented in some way since she was invited?

  Are you suggesting guests by proxy?  So for every decline, you would be OK with your invited guests sending someone on their behalf?  

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• cidefi member

  

  November 2013

  If it were me, I would call the guest ask why the change. Depending on if it were type some of situation where she couldn't come, but wanted to be represented, then maybe I'd so ok. I mean I do agree that it was very rude of the lady to change her RSVP. I just figured I would ask a "what if question".

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• phira member

  

  November 2013

  What's this with wanting to be "represented?"

  
  

  If I invite Jane to my wedding, and she can't make it, that's okay. If I wanted Jane's kids to come, I'd have invited them. Either Jane can or can't make it--if she wants to send a congratulatory card, that's fine, but she doesn't need to be "represented" at the wedding. Either she's there or she's not.

  
  

  Invitations are not transferrable tickets.

  

  now with ~* INCREASED SASSINESS *~
  
  

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• Jen4948 member

  

  November 2013

  
  

  cidefi said:

  If it were me, I would call the guest ask why the change. Depending on if it were type some of situation where she couldn't come, but wanted to be represented, then maybe I'd so ok. I mean I do agree that it was very rude of the lady to change her RSVP. I just figured I would ask a "what if question".

  If she can't come, then she can't come.  However, that does not mean that I want her to be "represented."  If I wanted the persons she wanted to send in her place to attend my wedding, I would have invited them in the first place.
  
  Also, it's really not the hosts' place to call the guests to find out why they can't come.  The invitation is not a subpoena, and the reason could be anything from work to can't afford it to don't attend weddings and never accept wedding invitations regardless of who they're from to anything in between.  To be honest, I really wouldn't want to know why-I just want that person to either RSVP yes and come him/herself, or to RSVP no and not come.
  

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• cidefi member

  

  November 2013

  phira said:

  What's this with wanting to be "represented?"

  
  

  If I invite Jane to my wedding, and she can't make it, that's okay. If I wanted Jane's kids to come, I'd have invited them. Either Jane can or can't make it--if she wants to send a congratulatory card, that's fine, but she does ng. Either she's there or she's not.

  
  

  Invitations are not transferrable tickets.

  I had an aunt who sent her son to a her niece's (both are my cousins) wedding a couple of years ago. Orginally her son declined his own invite because his wife was due to have a baby and couldn't travel. His mother (my dads sister) had been diagnosed with cancer and was going to be starting chemo right around the wedding date. She didn't call the wedding couple either just like the OP. She instead wrote on the card that said her son would be coming instead of her. The grooms mother got so pissed that she called my aunt and ripped her new 1. The couple themselves didn't care 1 way or the other because my aunts space was being used and no money was wasted. During wedding ceremonys, my dad and his siblings light a candle together in honor of the 1st marriage in our family line, representing their parents...my grandparents, which is why she asked her son to go and "represent" her. She told her brother's and sister about being sick and why she couldn't go. But they didn't tell us or the couple. And of course the grooms family really didn't know nothing. At the time we all thought my aunt was being an rude ass. But when everything came out in the open, the grooms mom felt completely embrassed. Of course everything ended up being ok in the end, and we all understood why she asked him to represent her. She just went about everything all wrong!! She said she didn't want to disrupt the festivities with such bad news. Who knows.

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• [Deleted User] member

  

  November 2013

  Thank you all for all of your feedback.  I really do appreciate it.  After all of the difficult conversations we had about who to invite and who not to invite, this just really aggravates me.  I've asked him to call and talk to them about it, now I just have to make sure he actually does.  I know he's concerned about upsetting his godparents and damaging their relationship, even though their daughter clearly gave that no thought.  Hopefully we can get this resolved as quickly and painlessly as possible!

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• Jen4948 member

  

  November 2013

  cidefi said:

  What's this with wanting to be "represented?"

  
  

  If I invite Jane to my wedding, and she can't make it, that's okay. If I wanted Jane's kids to come, I'd have invited them. Either Jane can or can't make it--if she wants to send a congratulatory card, that's fine, but she does ng. Either she's there or she's not.

  
  

  Invitations are not transferrable tickets.

  I had an aunt who sent her son to a her niece's (both are my cousins) wedding a couple of years ago. Orginally her son declined his own invite because his wife was due to have a baby and couldn't travel. His mother (my dads sister) had been diagnosed with cancer and was going to be starting chemo right around the wedding date. She didn't call the wedding couple either just like the OP. She instead wrote on the card that said her son would be coming instead of her. The grooms mother got so pissed that she called my aunt and ripped her new 1. The couple themselves didn't care 1 way or the other because my aunts space was being used and no money was wasted. During wedding ceremonys, my dad and his siblings light a candle together in honor of the 1st marriage in our family line, representing their parents...my grandparents, which is why she asked her son to go and "represent" her. She told her brother's and sister about being sick and why she couldn't go. But they didn't tell us or the couple. And of course the grooms family really didn't know nothing. At the time we all thought my aunt was being an rude ass. But when everything came out in the open, the grooms mom felt completely embrassed. Of course everything ended up being ok in the end, and we all understood why she asked him to represent her. She just went about everything all wrong!! She said she didn't want to disrupt the festivities with such bad news. Who knows.

  SIckness is not a reason to be "represented" by guests who are not invited by the hosts.  Yes, it's totally reasonable that your aunt couldn't come, but nobody else could "represent" her.  It's up to the hosts who attends-guests are not allowed to take it upon themselves to change the guest list, even sick ones.
  

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• PrettyGirlLost member

  

  November 2013

  cidefi said:

  What's this with wanting to be "represented?"

  
  

  If I invite Jane to my wedding, and she can't make it, that's okay. If I wanted Jane's kids to come, I'd have invited them. Either Jane can or can't make it--if she wants to send a congratulatory card, that's fine, but she does ng. Either she's there or she's not.

  
  

  Invitations are not transferrable tickets.

  I had an aunt who sent her son to a her niece's (both are my cousins) wedding a couple of years ago. Orginally her son declined his own invite because his wife was due to have a baby and couldn't travel. His mother (my dads sister) had been diagnosed with cancer and was going to be starting chemo right around the wedding date. Aw, that's awful.  I hope she is ok now.  She didn't call the wedding couple either just like the OP. She instead wrote on the card that said her son would be coming instead of her.  Wait a sec. . . her son declined because his wife was pregnant, but then his mother RSVPs that he is coming in her place?  Did your Aunt consult her son and his wife before doing this?  I'm seeing a boundary red flag in that family dynamic.  The grooms mother got so pissed that she called my aunt and ripped her new 1.   I can see their side of it because what your Aunt did was rude.  Invitations are not transferable and most people do not send someone else to "represent them" in their absence if they decline.  The couple themselves didn't care 1 way or the other because my aunts space was being used and no money was wasted. During wedding ceremonys, my dad and his siblings light a candle together in honor of the 1st marriage in our family line, representing their parents...my grandparents, which is why she asked her son to go and "represent" her.   This is a nice tradition, but in no way typical and if the Bride didn't tell her FI and his family about this tradition, how were they supposed to know?  Also, it still doesn't excuse your Aunt's behavior; Your Dad and his other siblings in attendance were more than capable of carrying on this tradition in your Aunt's absence.  No representative was needed.  She told her brother's and sister about being sick and why she couldn't go. But they didn't tell us or the couple. And of course the grooms family really didn't know nothing.   How in the world would they since no one bothered to tell them anything?  I can understand not wanting to broadcast private health information to everyone, but no one could say to your family or the Groom's family, "Hey, Aunt so and so regrets that she can't make it, but she is has some private matters to attend to."  Does your family typically have communication issues?  At the time we all thought my aunt was being an rude ass.   But when everything came out in the open, the grooms mom felt completely embrassed. Yeah, poor woman!  Of course everything ended up being ok in the end, and we all understood why she asked him to represent her. She just went about everything all wrong!! She said she didn't want to disrupt the festivities with such bad news.   I can see that, but I feel bad that everyone thought your Aunt was being an ass when she was actually ill. . . I hope the family learned a lesson on better communication.  Who knows.

  What about your Cousin's pregnant wife?  She was ok with her DH leaving her to attend a wedding at his mother's behest when initially he declined because of her condition?
  

  
  "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."
  
  

  
  

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• cidefi member

  

  November 2013

  @prettygirllost
  
  This situation happened about 5 years ago. My aunt is fine and healthy now. Thank you for asking.
  
  No my cousins wife wasn't mad about him deciding to go. She understood the reason behind his mother asking him to go in her place. They did the same ceremony at their wedding too. The wife wanted to go, but was in her 3rd trimester and couldn't fly. And with them living in NYC and the wedding in Chicago, neither wanted to drive. BTW his travel time was less then 24 hours. He flew in just a few hours before the ceremony, and left the very next morning.
  
  The grooms mother instantly apologized for her behavior. But both of my aunts apologized for not telling anybody about what was happening and cause so much caous...LoL.
  
  Both families knew that the candle ceremony was going to happen. His side thought it was a wonderful tradition in my family, and actually it is really really nice to watch. So they knew she was coming, and that her son was not. But when everything hit the fan and my aunt was out and my cousin was in, 1. his mom didnt understand the switch. Nobody did at 1st, except the siblings. But the couple didn't care because the guest numbers hadn't changed so they wasn't spending any more money, or losing what they had already spent to accomodate the change. They just looked at it as a swap out, which I have now learned is a no no. The point of the ceremony is for ALL of the living children to be there. My aunt is living, so yes she needed to be there. But since she couldn't, she wanted and needed to be represented. Otherwise what's the point of the ceremony?
  
  Her sister is my other aunt and the brides mother. Both of these ladies are my dad's sisters. When she made the switch with her son, she had already told her siblings about her cancer. She had already RSVP'ed and her son had already declined. She was telling people because she knew that she wasn't going to be able to participate. They (siblings) decided to ask her son. They (the siblings) decided not to tell the rest of the family until after the wedding. My aunt the bride's mother was suppose to let the couple know what was happening, but didn't. My aunt (the sick 1) wrote on the RSVP card as a reminder, not knowing that the couple wasn't handling the cards, the grooms mother was, and never knowing that they didnt know the situation. So it came as a rude shock when she got the card back. At the end of the day, my aunt the bride's mother dropped the ball on this situation totally by not telling certain key people the about the situation.
  
  Yes we learned to check, double check, and triple check ALL DETAILS!!!

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• aurorajanette member

  

  November 2013

  @cidefi

  I'm glad your Aunt is well now. Your candle ceremony sounds really interesting and nice.

  
  

  I do think this is a bit of a different issue though, since at least your cousin was invited to the wedding when he was sent to represent the Aunt. The OP is about someone who was not invited at all and whom the couple barely knows.

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