Alright, so here's some back story.
I have two bridesmaids - my sister and my best friend. I've known my best friend for 10 years. We were both outcasts in high school (the art geeks, ya know) so we were both a little "different". Underneath all of her "different", though, she was always very traditional. Even back then she couldn't wait to be an adult, and getting married, and have babies. I was in no rush. Even when she was a little girl, she was the type who would think about her future wedding all the time. She met her husband the same year she met me. They dated through high school and college, then they got married three years ago and had a son. All very traditional. I don't have the same life goals as her at all. In fact when she got married three years ago, I remember telling her that I didn't want to get married until I was 40 - and at the time, I meant it. Of course back then I was in a horrible relationship, and that all changed when I met my fiance - I'll be 26 when we get married next year. Not exactly 40!
Her wedding was a blast. It was fun, nobody was stressed... everyone just had a great time. But, to be honest, the whole thing was very... "everyone else". There was really nothing untraditional or offbeat about it. It was very "her" though, and it worked.
So now that it's my turn to plan my wedding, she seems to think that deep down I really want a traditional wedding, and her opinions come across as though she worries that I'll someday regret having an untraditional one. I haven't ever been particularly traditonal - nothing about my life is the way it "should" be, and I'm 100% happy with that. I believe that my wedding should reflect myself and my fiance, so a lot of traditional stuff is getting set aside.
Here are some of her biggest "concerns":
- BRIDESMAID DRESSES - I'm not getting my wedding dress from a bridal shop. I went to one with my sister back in like... March, tried on a few things, and just realized that it wasn't really what I wanted. The dresses were beautiful and I liked a lot of them... but I didn't really LOVE any, and I didn't like the whole "experience" of it. My dress is coming from Etsy. So while I was talking to my bridesmaids about their dresses, I said we could go to bridal shops if they really wanted, but I felt that most of what they would have to offer would be too formal for the casual event we're planning. My friend really pushed for the bridal shops, so she and I went to a couple last weekend (while my sister was working). She tried on a few things that I didn't mind, but eventually realized that I wasn't really loving any of it. And I realized that she'd pushed so hard for the bridal shops more for the EXPERIENCE of it, rather than thinking I would love what they had. And to me, going to a shop like that without having the intention of buying feels a little bit like wasting both our time and the time of the staff, who should be focussing on bridal parties who plan on buying.
- NOT CARRYING REAL FLOWERS - We're making paper flowers for the tables, and I planned on doing the same for my bouquet, the bridesmaids' bouquets, and even the guys' boutonniers. I'm not much for flowers (I know maybe five different kinds, but beyond that flowers are just "flowers" to me) and I can't fathom spending money on real flowers that are just going to die in a matter of days. I don't HATE flowers, but I feel like my wedding doesn't need them. I told my friend that my stepmom thinks I need to carry real flowers, and my friend agreed - she figures they'll look nicer in the photos. I couldn't care less either way. We're not going to have traditional "everyone line up" photos, so why should I care how my flowers look in them?
- OUR CHOICE OF FOOD - Chicken? Pasta? Fish? Nah. We're doing a buffet-style dinner with fried pickles and sliders, among other things. "We're eating sliders at your wedding? SLIDERS?" Yes, sliders. Delicious, not super filling... and they go great with the fried pickles which, by the way, is what my fiance and I ate when we met... so that's important!
- WEDDING FAVORS - We're not really having any. She goes on and on about her cute little monogrammed wooden stir sticks they had at their wedding, and how everyone took them home and probably uses them. Know what? I forgot mine on the table when I left her wedding. I ate the jellybeans they also had - but who doesn't eat the candy? We're not getting any little "knick knack" that most of guests will forget/throw out/stick in a junk drawer at home and never look at again. Monogrammed M&M's? In your wedding colors? No, my dear friend... we won't do that either. Instead we're making a donation in lieu of favors - two donations, actually. One to the cat shelter where we adopted our rescue cat, and one two the MS Society (my stepmom has MS). We're thinking of maybe getting personalized lollipops (or just generic ones) and sticking them in the bouquets to include so guests have something... but I'm not going all out and getting all kinds of crap for people.
- WEDDING COLORS - This is probably the most difficult thing for her to wrap her head around. We don't have "wedding colors". My bridesmaids will be wearing black, because it goes with everything and they can accessorize in any way. The venue is very colorful, and we felt that trying to decorated with specific colors would compete too much with the way the venue already looks. Part of the reason we chose our venue is because we wouldn't have to spend a lot on decorating the place - in fact the only thing we're doing is centerpieces. The venue looks perfect all on it's own. But my best friend can't figure out how we can get through planning the wedding without having specific colors for things. Our paper flowers are going to be all different colors, so no worries there. But how will my dress (which has a purple lining) match with the wedding? Well, it's going to stand all on it's own and look great. But how will we get favors (like the M&Ms she was pushing for) if we can't order them in certain colors?? Simple: we won't. How will I carry a bouquet of a certain color? IF I get real flowers to carry, they'll be multicolored, to go with the beautiful venue and multi colored comic book theme.
- "THEMED" BRIDESMAIDS - I've been toying with the idea of my bridesmaids wearing dresses with a bit of a pinup feel. But she's convinced that if we get pinup-style dresses, they'll have to have pinup-style make up, pinup-style hair, pinup-style shoes, etc, etc, etc. That would be cute (and was almost our theme) but no, we won't have to do that. We can go all out with it, OR we can downplay the style of the dress by having everything else they're wearing reflect their more simple style - much easier, and less costumey.
- WEDDING PIE - My fiance and I are not much for cake. We also fear that it'll be much more pricey to get a cake he can eat (he's lactose intolerant) made for us. We both LOVE pie. So we're thinking of a three-"tiered" pie. Pumpkin pie on the bottom, apple pie in the middle, and tarts on the top. Adorable, perfect for our early fall wedding, and delicious. My traditional friend worries about how this will look in the cake-cutting pictures! It'll look adorable!!
These are just a few examples of this. I know she has my best interest at heart, and probably worries that in a few years I'll worry that I've made some mistakes - but the choices we've made so far are very much "us" and the day will reflect that perfectly. That won't change. If in a few years our tastes have changed, we'll know that our wedding reflected what we were into and what we were like at the time - which I think is much better than reflecting what was trendy at the time!
My fiance thinks I should sit down and talk to her one-on-one about it, but I worry about hurting her feelings and causing drama in the months leading up to the wedding. And that's the last thing I want. I just wish she could see things from my point of view, and know that the choices I'm making are mine (not something my fiance is "making" me do). We're very casual people and we don't see the point in doing what we "should" for our wedding, when we won't be happy with it. This isn't her chance at planning a second wedding of her own... it should be something she's happy for me because of, right?
What would you ladies say/do?