Co-parenting discussion NWR

Teddy917 · November 2013

For those of you who are divorced (and anyone else like me who just wants to comment:
Do you and your child's other parent make decisions regarding the child together? What kind of decisions? Are they just the huge ones? What about when and how to punish the kid for a minor thing (hitting a sibling, not doing as he's told, etc)?

[Deleted User] · November 2013

I didn't expect to see this topic here! I am divorced and I try and let my ex make decisions with me and try and let him in on decisions I've made. However, he does whatever he wants anyway and I have to deal with that. Co parenting requires both parents be willing. All you can do is try.

Here is an example from my recent life. My 3 year old is a sore loser. We just started playing games and she likes hungry hungry hippos the most but gets upset if she doesn't get the yellow marble. To counter act this I explained to her that we say good job to the winner, we don't pout and that I wasn't going to play with her if she was going to cry if she lost. I furthered with games are about having fun and trying your best, not winning. She did all right with that and now says good job to the winner and only pouts if she thinks no one is looking

I then took the time to explain all that to my ex so that he was aware and had a plan he could use if she got to be a sore loser with him. If he reinforces the good sportsmanship it will stick and if he doesn't then it won't but I can't force him.

itzMS · November 2013

In my experience, divorced couples are very rarely amiable.

The kids suffer from a lack of consistency and continuity.

I give loads of credit to anyone actively coparenting.

aurorajanette · November 2013

I think co-parenting is obviously ideal. However, I feel that it's a case-by-case basis. When I was 11, my dad had an emotional breakdown and hurt my mom, almost to the point of killing her. Then she divorced him, he moved away and remarried. She parented us alone, and did a really great job at that.

As an adult, when I have been in touch with my dad, he has tons of bad things to say about my mom, but praises me (to suck up to me) to no end. I just usually say "How do you think I turned out this way? Because Mom was a great parent to me." And then I end the conversation.

The difference between this and what you're talking about though is that my dad had zero interest in assisting in the parenting experience after I turned 11 and he had his breakdown. He even complained to me that he had to pay child support. Yes, that's right, my dad complained to his own child that he had to be financially responsible for said child. Father of the year right there.

golden1215 · November 2013

Teddy917 said:

For those of you who are divorced (and anyone else like me who just wants to comment: Do you and your child's other parent make decisions regarding the child together? What kind of decisions? Are they just the huge ones? What about when and how to punish the kid for a minor thing (hitting a sibling, not doing as he's told, etc)?

I'm not even divorced and I dont even agree with my husband on parenting things sometimes. Cant imagine co-parenting! The rule in my house is mom is always right and knows best

CTYankeeBride · November 2013

My FI is divorced with 2 children from his 1st marriage. He and his ex-wife make parenting decisions together, within reason. Oddly, they couldn't really agree on many parenting issues when they were married and now that they're divorced, they do. Sometimes they have to agree to disagree but overall it's pretty consistent.

WildMagelet · November 2013

My parents divorced when I was 12. They sucked at co-parenting. As a child I definitely felt like I was in the middle and as a teenager I saw a lot of my friends "playing the system." I always felt like I had to pick between my parents - and it sucked, especially when it came to my mom or my stepmom. I always felt like a badguy for openly trying to have a good relationship with either of them because the other one would get hurt feelings about it. My parents hated each other and it was no secret.

We have an oddly amiable relationship with FI's ex-W. It's actually super awesome and I would never dream of having it any other way. Everything is about the kids. We sit together at social, school, and sporting events when we're all present. We're invited to family functions on her side and she and her baby are invited to family functions on his side. We make decisions that are relevant to our own home and she makes decisions relevant to hers. We don't always agree but show a united front in front of the kids. Things like groundings/punishments are respected on both sides. Most disagreements are small enough to let slide or the issue is no longer relevant and not worth beating a dead horse over. They also communicate about health/school/behavioral issues that are going on so that the other parent can be aware of them. We have a brief idea of one another's schedules so we can plan accordingly if we need to/wish to alter visitation from the custody agreement. Both parties are super accommodating about switching visitation times if necessary. We've only had one major behavioral problem per kid over the years and they were discussed with all adults present. No major health problems but I'd assume that if we did a joint decision would be made between the two of them. It can work for anybody as long as all individuals are willing to act like adults.

cidefi · November 2013

I am divorced, and we dont co-parent at all. We have joint custody of our kids. He gets them 2 weeks of the month, I get them the other 2 weeks. Holidays are shared, and no vacations until the summers months. What he does in his house is his business and like wise in my house. He knows their schedules and pick up/drop off times. He knows where and when to be at sporting events. If he comes he comes.

nextrightthing · November 2013

My son's dad, FI, and I co-parent very well. It is one of the greatest accomplishments of my life.

I have primary custody and he has every other weekend and one night a week. We are flexible about it so that both of us can do the things we need to do in life. If DS asks to see daddy, I try to accommodate that request (within reason). We do soccer games all together, we work together when he is sick to figure out who is doing what, and we even do holidays together.

With regard to rules and consequences, I tell ex what our rules are and we agree that consistency is best. Does he always enforce my rules, and I his? No. The number one key is PICK YOUR BATTLES. There are little things he does that annoy me, and I let them go (e.g., sometimes too lax about rules and bedtime, feeds him too much junk). Just like with FI. Sometimes FI does little things that annoy me, and I as mommy have the urge to step in and control it. I don't, because my relationship with FI is more important than having my way with every tiny parenting thing. Same goes with ex.

We did do group counseling through DS's play therapist when DS was having serious problems at school and at home (he has ADHD). It was helpful to have a third party neutral there when parenting was particularly challenging.

I never, ever, ever say negative things about ex to DS, even if I'm really mad at him. There is nothing that makes me more mad than parental alienation. Every kid has a right to love both parents. FI's mom trash talked his dad until the day she died (literally). To this day, both FI and his sister struggle to feel close to their dad even though he tries his best. They have been brainwashd to see the worst in him. It's terrible.

I am a family lawyer, so I see first-hand what parents do to their kids in divorce. I'm sure that is part of the reason I try so hard to co-parent (and maybe part of the reason DS's dad gets along with me so well

Teddy917 · November 2013

cidefi said:
I am divorced, and we dont co-parent at all. We have joint custody of our kids. He gets them 2 weeks of the month, I get them the other 2 weeks. Holidays are shared, and no vacations until the summers months. What he does in his house is his business and like wise in my house. He knows their schedules and pick up/drop off times. He knows where and when to be at sporting events. If he comes he comes.

What about if he does something that is totally opposite from what you let them do? Like major punishment or something. Say one of your kids (let's call him George) stole some money from some place. You punish George with no video games, no friends over and no extra activities for two months. George's dad (during his time) lets him do everything that you aren't allowing George to do.

Just curious. I'm not divorced and I don't have kids but I'm just curious how people handle it.

[Deleted User] · November 2013

@teddy917 the sad reality is that there is nothing a parent can do about this!! You can't force you're ex to coparent and honestly some parents are better off not speaking. It's a really frustrating situation and I seriously recommend counseling and anything in the whole world before divorcing when you have kids!!

jenajjthr · November 2013

I would love to co-parent, but I have an ex who doesn't even want to be a parent. I left him due to emotional abuse, so needless to say the divorce wasn't amicable. That said I don't trash talk him, but I don't lie about the reality either. He can't hold a job for longer than a year or two and ended up moving to Utah, with new wife and stepdaughter, and stayed with family until he got a job. In the 5 months before he left, he had the kids over for two weekends, 3 months of that time was summer. He wanted me to sign a legal document saying he was current and up to date on child support ($10k plus in arrears). Posted on FB about how I'm stealing $300 a paycheck, mandatory child support. Now calls once every three weeks or so to talk to the little ones, oldest is 19 and in the military. Co-parenting would be ideal, but we are finding a way to deal with absentee.

cidefi · November 2013

What about if he does something that is totally opposite from what you let them do? Like major punishment or something. Say one of your kids (let's call him George) stole some money from some place. You punish George with no video games, no friends over and no extra activities for two months. George's dad (during his time) lets him do everything that you aren't allowing George to do.

Just curious. I'm not divorced and I don't have kids but I'm just curious how people handle it.

******************************************************
For little things like back talking, or not doing chores punishments never last more then a week because we switch off household every Friday.

For bigger things (because we have an 18 year old), like missing cerfew or bad grades, we take electronics or her car away. If its something really big (like last summer she shop lifted), we closed her bank account. We came together on that decision because she cost us money.

pahlalafsu · December 2013

All decisions regarding religion, education and signin up for activities should be joint. Day to day decisions like buying them sneakers can probably be made unilaterally. Although if it is something the other parent said no to, then you're sending mixed messages.

Liatris2010 · December 2013

My parents are divorced but amiable. They are a team when it comes to me and my sister, they talk about us and what we are up to, and it was the same when we were kids. If I did something bad at mom's, dad knew before he picked me up for the weekend. They were a united front, never spoke badly about the other, and so on. We have good relationships with both of our parents, and they have a good relationship with each other. I don't think any of it is a coincidence.

radleyboo · December 2013

I am divorced, my exH and I share the kids 50/50 for parenting time, but 90% of the financial responsibility falls to me. We 'try' to be consistent about parenting in both homes, but the reality is, he's not equipped to parent the same way I do. In our house, H and I use loss of privileges, time outs, early bedtimes, etc. for punishments along with a lot of positive reinforcement. ExH is more of a 'my way or the highway' kind of Dad and often resorts to physical punishment like spanking, which our oldest is honestly just too big for. Needless to say, there are a lot of problems between exH and oldest DS. I try and do my best to help exH learn to parent differently (books, apps, ideas when he calls me desperate and screaming at the kids) but at the end of the day, he has to figure this out on his own. It's hard, but all I can control is what goes on in my house, so I do the best I can to make the time we have together here really count.

As for holidays, school events, sports, etc. we celebrate holidays separately. School and sporting events, everyone is welcome from both sides of the family. I have my ups and downs when it comes to my relationship with exH's family. He has a handful of sisters who love drama, so I try to avoid them. We're always cordial with everyone at these things, it's the easiest and right thing to do.

As far as other decisions for the kids, like medical care, extra curriculars, schooling, etc. most of that falls to me, simply because I foot most of the bills. ExH found the funds to go on 3 vacations in 2 months, but can't seem to be able to pay for things like co-pays, snow boots, and clothing. When he's able to get his priorities straight, he'll have more say.

It could be better, but it could also be far, far worse.

[Deleted User] · December 2013

with my sister's son & then her step kids, different rules for different houses. My sister didn't have a good relationship with her ex so there was very little communication. Now with her step kids, they would email the mom of any issues they had with the kids when they were with them and what the punishment was, but if mom enforced the same rules, well they had no control. But when it came to bigger issues likes school or medical issues, they called each other to work out what was in the best interest of the child.

Co-parenting discussion NWR

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