Need to Vent

allelsefaild · November 2013

In FI's family, everyone does a cash bar.

So of course FI is expecting to do similar. He wants to put down $500 to $1000 on the bar and when that's used up, that's it... we switch to cash bar (*cringe*). My family drinks... A LOT. Between both families, that money won't last the whole night. No amount of me telling him it's rude will he listen to because that's how his family does it and I'm insulting his family by saying it's rude. Of course now my family is "stuck up" because we provide unlimited booze (at least beer and wine) and I'm expecting to do the same.

His parents want to pay for the bar. So I told him they can give what they feel is appropriate and I'll pay the difference. But he won't listen. He feels there's no way we would use up the $1000. The reception is 4 hours, a beer costs $4 and a glass of wine costs $6. $1000 won't last for 4 hours.

Even if we do an open-bar with beer/wine, he wants to only do it for 2 or 3 hours. I've tried arguing that one too and he won't listen. Because of how his family has done things, he can't understand why it would bother anyone to do things differently.

Sorry for the rant, I'm just frustrated and I really don't want to offend anyone. I don't want his family to think I'm a stuck-up snob and I don't want my family to think we're rude. I was planning on discussing it with our venue's coordinator when we go in for our tasting, but his parents want to know how much it will cost now. We don't even know how many people are coming yet. We just started getting RSVPs back and have only received a handful (understandable since the wedding is 2 months away).

ETA: removed the non-assigned seats part. Not really relevant here. He doesn't understand why we'd do assigned tables, but won't argue if I do it.

HisGirlFriday13 · November 2013

OK, well, first of all, you shouldn't be getting RSVPs for a wedding that's still two months away because you shouldn't have sent invites yet -- it's way too soon.

Even if you manage to convince your FI to do a hosted bar -- and you really should -- the numbers are going to change dramatically. Asking people to know what they're doing this far is advance is crazy.

As far as convincing him, go to the E board and search "cash bars" and print out the responses from people -- there's a whole thread about "what people really think." Maybe if you show him that, he'll get on-board with it.

doeydo · November 2013

Whatever you do, don't do a cash bar.

hmonkey · November 2013

wow, look at all the helpful advice:

yes, don't do something you already did!
don't do a cash bar that you don't want to do!
tell him what other people think, even though he has made it obvious he only cares what he thinks!

@allelsefaild

this sounds less like a disagreement about a cash bar and more like a disagreement about his unwillingness to compromise and listen to you. it might be helpful to frame it that way, if you feel that might get through to him.

allelsefaild · November 2013

OK, well, first of all, you shouldn't be getting RSVPs for a wedding that's still two months away because you shouldn't have sent invites yet -- it's way too soon.

Even if you manage to convince your FI to do a hosted bar -- and you really should -- the numbers are going to change dramatically. Asking people to know what they're doing this far is advance is crazy.

As far as convincing him, go to the E board and search "cash bars" and print out the responses from people -- there's a whole thread about "what people really think." Maybe if you show him that, he'll get on-board with it.

*Stuck in the box*
Everything I read said 2-3 months on invites so we sent them a week or two after the 3 month mark hit. I have no regrets on that decision since 99% of our invite list is our families, who were harassing our parents about why they hadn't gotten invites months before we sent them.

Plus I needed to vent. I find just posting that relaxed me a lot. I was able to let it out here instead of biting FI's head off. And reading what strangers on the internet say will not change his mind. He's incredibly stubborn. That being said, so am I, and I'll eventually get it through to him that we will have an open bar.

I agree on it being too soon to figure this out. I wanted to wait until much much closer when we had a more accurate estimate of the numbers, but his parents are generously insisting on paying for it. They are just insisting on knowing now exactly how much it will cost and I have no clue.

Again, just wanted to let out a little frustration and what better arena to do it in than with people I don't know.

HisGirlFriday13 · November 2013

hmonkey said:

wow, look at all the helpful advice:
yes, don't do something you already did!
don't do a cash bar that you don't want to do!
tell him what other people think, even though he has made it obvious he only cares what he thinks!
@allelsefaild
this sounds less like a disagreement about a cash bar and more like a disagreement about his unwillingness to compromise and listen to you. it might be helpful to frame it that way, if you feel that might get through to him.

Has it occurred to you that perhaps we post things like that to warn OTHER brides not to make the same mistake? Just a thought.

allelsefaild · November 2013

@hmonkey
Normally he's better about compromising. He just wants to save money wherever he can. While normally I would agree with him, I will not cut costs where it will make our guests unhappy/uncomfortable. I think the problem is the example that his family has set for him in their weddings. I love his family and get along very well with all of them, but unfortunately they tend to skimp out on etiquette when it comes to weddings.

VarunaTT · November 2013

Do you think he'd listen to your venue/coordinator (it sounded like you had one)?

This might just be a case where you have the plan in place to solve the problem it/when it happens. Maybe he's right and it'll never come up, but if it does, it doesn't become a problem. This is usually how DH and I have to compromise, b/c I'm someone who plans down to the last detail and he'd rather just see what develops.

PirateBarbie · November 2013

you may be able to make a reasonable estimate of the cost of drinks - say 2.5 drinks/guest/hour

if you have 100 guests, and assume average of $5/drink, and 4 hour open bar:

100*2.5*4*$5= $5,000 --- the $1,000 may last an hour or so

you could talk to your caterer/venue about costs of just hosting wine/beer/limited bar, or you may be able to buy liquor and supply your own.

it is a concern that he's unwilling to compromise with you on this - you'll run into other situations in your marriage where his family has one opinion and you have another.

CLI242009 · November 2013

HisGirlFriday13 said:

OK, well, first of all, you shouldn't be getting RSVPs for a wedding that's still two months away because you shouldn't have sent invites yet -- it's way too soon.

Even if you manage to convince your FI to do a hosted bar -- and you really should -- the numbers are going to change dramatically. Asking people to know what they're doing this far is advance is crazy.

I'm sending my invites out at the 3 month mark. My FI's guest list is on the east coast with us, my side is in HI and CA. In today's economy, my family will like the fact that I gave them that much time. I know for local weddings it can be a smaller gap to send invites, but with people traveling from the other side of the country, they wouldn't want to have to wait last minute to book flights. That's even more expensive for them. I guess it all depends on the situation?

I see no problem sending them out at the 3 month mark. It's even recommended here on theknot's checklist. (I know you don't have to go by that).

As for OP, definitely keep trying to explain to him why it's a bad idea about the cash bar. You would be ending up spending MORE money than if you just had a bar included with your package. At least with my venue that's how it looked, so we're doing a hosted bar of beer, wine & soda.

HisGirlFriday13 · November 2013

CLI242009 said:

HisGirlFriday13 said:

OK, well, first of all, you shouldn't be getting RSVPs for a wedding that's still two months away because you shouldn't have sent invites yet -- it's way too soon.

Even if you manage to convince your FI to do a hosted bar -- and you really should -- the numbers are going to change dramatically. Asking people to know what they're doing this far is advance is crazy.

I'm sending my invites out at the 3 month mark. My FI's guest list is on the east coast with us, my side is in HI and CA. In today's economy, my family will like the fact that I gave them that much time. I know for local weddings it can be a smaller gap to send invites, but with people traveling from the other side of the country, they wouldn't want to have to wait last minute to book flights. That's even more expensive for them. I guess it all depends on the situation?

I see no problem sending them out at the 3 month mark. It's even recommended here on theknot's checklist. (I know you don't have to go by that).

As for OP, definitely keep trying to explain to him why it's a bad idea about the cash bar. You would be ending up spending MORE money than if you just had a bar included with your package. At least with my venue that's how it looked, so we're doing a hosted bar of beer, wine & soda.

That's what STDates are for. You send them far enough in advance to give your guests time to plan, books flights, etc. You still send proper invitations 6-8 weeks out.

CLI242009 · November 2013

HisGirlFriday13 said:

HisGirlFriday13 said:

OK, well, first of all, you shouldn't be getting RSVPs for a wedding that's still two months away because you shouldn't have sent invites yet -- it's way too soon.

Even if you manage to convince your FI to do a hosted bar -- and you really should -- the numbers are going to change dramatically. Asking people to know what they're doing this far is advance is crazy.

I'm sending my invites out at the 3 month mark. My FI's guest list is on the east coast with us, my side is in HI and CA. In today's economy, my family will like the fact that I gave them that much time. I know for local weddings it can be a smaller gap to send invites, but with people traveling from the other side of the country, they wouldn't want to have to wait last minute to book flights. That's even more expensive for them. I guess it all depends on the situation?

I see no problem sending them out at the 3 month mark. It's even recommended here on theknot's checklist. (I know you don't have to go by that).

As for OP, definitely keep trying to explain to him why it's a bad idea about the cash bar. You would be ending up spending MORE money than if you just had a bar included with your package. At least with my venue that's how it looked, so we're doing a hosted bar of beer, wine & soda.

That's what STDates are for. You send them far enough in advance to give your guests time to plan, books flights, etc. You still send proper invitations 6-8 weeks out.

My family all got STDs....they are still messaging me, texting me and asking me questions even though they received one. (wedding website was on there too). My family just doesn't pay attention to these things. They know my wedding is coming up but until they get the actual invitation, they don't believe the event is happening.

Plus I know some forgot the date, the invite is the reminder. Yes my family is flakey at time :-/

huskypuppy14 · November 2013

His parent's are really paying for the bar if they are only giving a small amount (500-1000) that won't cover all night; they are paying for part of the bar. It's perfectly fine if they only want to pay a certain amount, and you want to cover the rest. If your FI thinks there is no way that you guys will go through 1000 dollars than ask him whats the harm in putting your credit card down for the overflow? But I think you really can't figure out anything until you have all the RSVPs in. Also, it seems you sent invites at 10 weeks? Which is the outermost time you could send them, so I think you are fine there. It might be early for some, but only you know your guests.

ETA: As long as your RSVP date isn't early too, (not more than 4 weeks before your wedding.)

hmonkey · November 2013

HisGirlFriday13 said:
Has it occurred to you that perhaps we post things like that to warn OTHER brides not to make the same mistake? Just a thought.

"come to wedding woes for the answers to questions you didn't ask!"

laurynm84 said:

If your FI thinks there is no way that you guys will go through 1000 dollars than ask him whats the harm in putting your credit card down for the overflow?

oh dear. i wish op's name was futurepsychicswife.

Wzz · November 2013

i don't understand why the parents can't just give $1000 and you just pay the rest for open bar or whatever kind of bar you want to have. if their money is ONLY for a cash bar if you have one, then say no thank you.

then there is the issue with your FI. if this is normal for him and his family/friends, trying to argue logic that people wil be offended may not work. i say just talk to the venue coordinator. maybe the numbers will make sense to him, maybe seeing that a cash bar versus open bar/beer and wine bar will cost differently in the end. the value may not even be there to put $1000 down on a drink tab.

i ignored most of the replies because for some reason you got on the topic of RSVPs and STDs, and i have no idea how that even matters when you need to make plans for your reception long before you even send invites and get RSVPs back. you plan based on the invitee list.

PolarBearFitz · November 2013

hmonkey said:

HisGirlFriday13 said:
Has it occurred to you that perhaps we post things like that to warn OTHER brides not to make the same mistake? Just a thought.

"come to wedding woes for the answers to questions you didn't ask!"

laurynm84 said:

If your FI thinks there is no way that you guys will go through 1000 dollars than ask him whats the harm in putting your credit card down for the overflow?

oh dear. i wish op's name was futurepsychicswife.

That makes no sense also stop being an asshat.

Edit/Note: I say this in jest as I have enjoyed many of your other postings.

jlazgrl · November 2013

HisGirlFriday13 said:

HisGirlFriday13 said:

OK, well, first of all, you shouldn't be getting RSVPs for a wedding that's still two months away because you shouldn't have sent invites yet -- it's way too soon.

Even if you manage to convince your FI to do a hosted bar -- and you really should -- the numbers are going to change dramatically. Asking people to know what they're doing this far is advance is crazy.

I'm sending my invites out at the 3 month mark. My FI's guest list is on the east coast with us, my side is in HI and CA. In today's economy, my family will like the fact that I gave them that much time. I know for local weddings it can be a smaller gap to send invites, but with people traveling from the other side of the country, they wouldn't want to have to wait last minute to book flights. That's even more expensive for them. I guess it all depends on the situation?

I see no problem sending them out at the 3 month mark. It's even recommended here on theknot's checklist. (I know you don't have to go by that).

As for OP, definitely keep trying to explain to him why it's a bad idea about the cash bar. You would be ending up spending MORE money than if you just had a bar included with your package. At least with my venue that's how it looked, so we're doing a hosted bar of beer, wine & soda.

That's what STDates are for. You send them far enough in advance to give your guests time to plan, books flights, etc. You still send proper invitations 6-8 weeks out.

I don't understand. You say 2 months out is "way too soon" but you also say proper invitations should be 6-8 weeks out?? 2 months is only 9 weeks...

hmonkey · November 2013

aefitz29 said:
That makes no sense also stop being an asshat.

Edit/Note: I say this in jest as I have enjoyed many of your other postings.

this makes no sense so stop being an asshat who doesn't know how to use punctuation.

edit/note: i say this because generally "asshat" is not something that is said with a winky face.

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