Guest List: Is this fair?

Belle2188 · November 2013

Okay ladies, I need you to either back me up or talk me down here. We're working on finalizing the guest list since we're sending STD's out pretty soon, and my parents started to make me a bit nervous with regard to their lists. FH and I have ours basically set, but my parents have been really wishy washy but seem to have pretty long mental list. We're trying to stay as close to our minimum as possible, so this has me a little worried about cost.

Because of this, I decided to split the guest list into sections of 1/3 each between my parents, FH, and myself. My parents are contributing 1/4 of the cost of the wedding, and the remaining 3/4 is split evenly between FH and I, so I thought 1/3 was more than fair. I figured I would split immediate family down the middle with my parents, and that extended family would be a part of their list since I am not close with them and they are not people that I would be inviting if not for my parents. Then, of course, their friends are their responsibility. Each of us is free to invite any number of people we'd like (within reason) based on how many we expect to accept and decline, but if we go a lot above the minimum, if anyone's list is over, the cost is their responsibility. If we don't go over the minimum, I don't care if anyone went over individually.

When I tried to discuss this with my mother, you would have thought I called her up and told her she couldn't invite anyone at all. Really, this actually leaves my parents with control over 1/2 of the guest list, since half of my allotment will go towards immediate family. Poor FH only gets 1/3 for his friends and family combined! Fortunately his family is very small, but still...

I could go on for days, but I'll leave it at that since I've rambled on long enough. What do you think...am I being unreasonable?

As an aside, I tried posting this on a local wedding website and the jist of the response I got was "lol fractions...I don't get it," so let's see if it's me or them

doeydo · November 2013

"He who pays gets a say", however, they are paying for 1/4 of the wedding and expect 1/2 of the guest list? That doesn't make sense. Maybe you and your FI can make your lists and then give both your parents a set number of guests that they get to invite and they have to stay within that due to the venue/budget/"that's what we have allotted for you" sort of thing.
Edited because I asked a stupid question

aurorajanette · November 2013

I think that allotting them half of the guest list is more than enough. They are paying for 1/4 of the wedding, and that is very generous, but doesn't mean that they get free range of whoever they would like to invite, if it means that you will not get to invite people who are close to you, or your numbers will go over.

I would suggest having a heart to heart with your mom and explaining that you know that she's happy and proud of you and wants her friends at your wedding, but you have friends that are important to you as well. Not to mention your FI only getting 1/3 of the guest list!

ktjanesmom · November 2013

I believe she said her folks are paying 1/4 of the wedding. I think you are being more than fair.

wrigleyville · November 2013

You are being extremely fair. You are paying for most of it but still giving them a decent chunk of the guest list, especially considering a lot of "their" guests ended up in your ration.

The "lol fractions" bit made me laugh, btw.

NYCMercedes · November 2013

I don't agree with you. If they are paying one fourth, they should get one fourth. You are generous. Oh, and I'm a mom.

HisGirlFriday13 · November 2013

I agree that you're being more than generous. I think your rationale is spot-on; you're putting the family members you would have invited without your parents' money and demands on your list, and then making your parents put people you wouldn't otherwise have invited on their list. That's perfectly reasonable.

If your mother doesn't like it, then TDB.

Jen4948 · November 2013

Your mom is being a jerk and you are being overgenerous to let her have more guests than she and your father are paying for in the first place.

I might tell her, "Mom, you're only paying for 1/4 of the costs, and I'm giving you 1/3 of the guests. I'm not willing to listen to any arguments or threats from you because you're disappointed. The subject is closed."

misssunshine17 · November 2013

You're being very fair. I wouldn't send any save the dates to their guests until you 1) have a final (and mean it!) list and 2) money in your hand.

AprilH81 · November 2013

Also plan for 100% attendance, you can't plan on "Great-Grandma won't come" because if she does then you're screwed by being either over budget or over room capacity or both.

If you have declines you can save the money or use it to upgrade something else.

kgd7357 · November 2013

I had a similar issue. When it came down to having to cut people off their list, my parents coughed up more money for their extra guests. That being said, I did give them a cap of 80 max. Our venue cap is 200, and we wanted to make sure we had some buffer for new SOs. Our break down ended up being 80 of my parents guests, 80 of mine and my FI's combined, and 20 of the FI family (thanks goodness they have a small family). We are covering 100 guests and they are covering their 80. Originally they only planned to cover 50. I would tell your parents that if they want to add more over whatever number you give them, then they need to pitch in more money.

Confession: I did say something at some point along the lines of "My FI has offered to cut out all of his relatives to make room for all your work friends, Mom." She felt really bad, and I felt bad for saying it.

kitty8403 · November 2013

I'm sorry, I'm a little confused. You, your FI, and your parents split up the invites three ways, and his family is being left out of the discussion? And you want to count extended family as your mom's responsibility, not yours?
Did I miss something?

What we finally did is make the in-laws (both sets) sit down and write out every person they absolutely had to have. Including SOs, kids, and any other "hidden" requests. We made clear that every non-family person on their lists was going to be up for
discussion. We gave them a deadline -- no more people or changes after X date. We ran those submissions against our budget and the people already on "our" list. Then we went back and said, "who on this list would you be ok with sending a nice photo and announcement to after the wedding?" That knocked off a few more names. Then FI and I went through the final list with red pens (we are paying for it all. So there's that.) I think we'll probably have one more round of this before we're done. It's still huge, but better.

Inkdancer · November 2013

I think you are probably getting ahead of yourself. Save the Dates are supposed to be for guests you absolutely must have at your wedding. People you don't know don't belong on your VIP list.

That said, you need to have a firm discussion with your mother about limitations. She's being very generous to contribute money to the wedding, but that doesn't mean she gets to run the show. Talk to her about your venue size, and remind her gently that your fiance wants to invite friends and family as well. This can be worked out as long as everybody takes a moment to remember that this is about celebrating a marriage, not having a fancy party.

delujm0 · November 2013

What about your FI's family? If it is even remotely possible that FI has to cut family members so that your parents can invite random friends, that is completely horrible and unacceptable.

Here is how this works. You figure out the maximum amount of people that you can afford to invite. You and FI put together a list of ABSOLUTE invites: the people related to you that MUST be invited, and your non-negotiable friends. Add that up, and then deduct it from your maximum. This is what you have left over for additional invites. I suggest that you divide this additional invites number in 3 and give 1/3 to your parents, 1/3 to his parents, and decide the remaning 1/3 between you and your FI. It is beyond ridiculous to give over 1/2 of the invitations to people who are only paying 1/4 of the wedding, and it is even more ridiculous to basically say to FI's family "sorry, you're not paying, so you don't get to invite anyone."

You and FI are paying for 3/4 of this - your list is the only one that counts. You shouldn't have to sacrifice your own friends for random friends of your parents who you barely know. If your parents are going to be this difficult, personally, i would tell them to keep their 1/4 and pay for the whole event myself so that they have nothing to complain about.

annathy03 · November 2013

You are being more than fair- 1/4 the budget and 1/2 the guest list? That's very generous, and I'm actually concerned that your FIs parents may not get any say and will resent it. I'd be sure to ask FI if he has already included some of his parents musts in his list (which if his family is smaller may be the case, but I think it's worth bringing up).

I'd make up the list you and FI can't live without (family and friends the two of you would invite if you were paying for absolutely everything and your mom had no say in the guest list), and see where that lands you. Assuming you can do that on the 3/4 budget you're putting in, it may be more feasible to tell her "This is the list we're paying for, your contribution covers X additional guests of your choosing". And when you figure out what X is, remember that rentals, chair covers, linens, centerpieces, etc all add up in addition to food and beverage, so be sure you don't calculate X based on just plate cost.

MuppetOverlord · November 2013

I know you're being fair but I am against headaches. I would decline her check, make up the difference somehow ourselves and invite who I wanted, taking into consideration those who she really wants to be there.

Belle2188 · November 2013

Thanks, all. Glad to hear I'm not a completely wretched child!

Just to clarify, FI has a VERY small family--I'm talking literally under 10 people--so they're all accounted for. There's no one to question there because it's just his parents and siblings and they're obviously on the list. They said they may have a handful of people they'd like to invite (literally like four), so that's not even on my radar because it's hardly going to make a difference in terms of cost or capacity.

Save the Dates are not going out to everyone, but that doesn't mean we don't need a somewhat complete guest list. The list doesn't have to be locked in, but I think it's important to have a pretty solid picture of the whole list before any STD's go out at all.

MandyMost · November 2013

I don't think it makes sense to split the guest list up into fractions. Families and friends are not all the same size.

My fiance and I sat down and made our own lists of who we want and think we should invite to our wedding. (Note: there's a difference between who you "want" at your wedding, and who you think you "should invite". But if you're mature enough to get married, you should be mature enough to realize that just because some of your relatives aren't your favorite people, you should invite them as to not cause family drama, for example). My "family" was about 70 people and his was 15. It is what it is. I can't help the fact that my father was one of 9 children!

We sent the lists to our respective parents and said "this is what we're thinking for the guest list, can you review it and let me know if we've left anyone important off"? His mother mentioned a couple distant friend/relative of his family to add. My mom didn't have any additions, but I've since mentioned that we'll have a little extra space if she'd like to invite a couple friends that I know she'd want to invite.

This way our parents had input into the guest list, but it is OUR guest list.

SP29 · November 2013

I agree with delujm0.

Determine your budget- set your guest list max.

You and FI make up a guest list, which includes all family you wish to invite. Then you can tell your and his parents, you each get 5 invites (or whatever it works out to) for whomever you like.

I assume if you include your family in the initial count, that will take up a lot of your parents guest list. You need to have a set budget with set number of people you can afford to host, so you can't let your parents have free reign to say "oh we'd like to invite these extra 20 people".

Guest List: Is this fair?

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