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Etiquette

Gave out STD but never stayed in touch...

What is protocol when it comes to inviting people who had been given a Save the Date but since then you haven't stayed in touch with?

We will end up having a 2 year engagement and started handing out STD's the beginning of the year for July 2014.  I've changed jobs, one friend moved to another part of the country, etc...while in no way do we not consider some of these people friends, it's confusing on whether they must be invited over people who are still an active part of our lives.  Can they be moved to B list...though no one else on our B list was given a STD?

We shouldn't have been so zealous sending out STD's but hey, we're excited about our wedding and what's done is done.

Re: Gave out STD but never stayed in touch...

  • OliveOilsMomOliveOilsMom South Jersey member
    Seventh Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    What is protocol when it comes to inviting people who had been given a Save the Date but since then you haven't stayed in touch with?

    We will end up having a 2 year engagement and started handing out STD's the beginning of the year for July 2014.  I've changed jobs, one friend moved to another part of the country, etc...while in no way do we not consider some of these people friends, it's confusing on whether they must be invited over people who are still an active part of our lives.  Can they be moved to B list...though no one else on our B list was given a STD?

    We shouldn't have been so zealous sending out STD's but hey, we're excited about our wedding and what's done is done.

    If you gave them a STD, then they need to be sent a invite.  It sounds like to got a little over zealous handing out the STDs, but what's done is done.  Everyone still needs to be invited.

    And B lists are incredibly rude.  You should not do that. Make any accomodations now (new venue, adjust your budget, etc) to have everyone sent a STD also sent an invite. 

    doeydomelbelleupBlue_Birdjendemeyer
  • auriannaaurianna member
    Eighth Anniversary 1000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    edited November 2013
    double post
  • I would send the invite. It sounds like they will likely decline anyways. Lucky for you it's only one couple. I am glad we didn't do STDs because people I thought we might invite have completely fallen out of our lives. I would have been stuck inviting them and cutting others. That's just the way it is. 
    melbelleup
  • APDSS22APDSS22 O-K-L-A-H-O-M-A is OK member
    Fifth Anniversary 1000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    What is protocol when it comes to inviting people who had been given a Save the Date but since then you haven't stayed in touch with?

    We will end up having a 2 year engagement and started handing out STD's the beginning of the year for July 2014.  I've changed jobs, one friend moved to another part of the country, etc...while in no way do we not consider some of these people friends, it's confusing on whether they must be invited over people who are still an active part of our lives.  Can they be moved to B list...though no one else on our B list was given a STD?

    We shouldn't have been so zealous sending out STD's but hey, we're excited about our wedding and what's done is done.
    If you have given them an STD, you must invite them unless they have threatened you/your FI or were invited as part of a social unit that no longer exists (if you sent an STD to your cousin Brad and his girlfriend Jane and they break up, you are no longer required to invite Jane to your wedding).  This is why we typically encourage brides to wait til about 9 months out from the wedding to send the STD and only to people who are definitely must be part of their day and will additionally need to make travel plans far in advance.  You will need to make room for anyone who has already received an STD as well as any significant others from new relationships forming. (If Brad gets in another relationship with a girl named Jennifer, you would then need to invite her as well since they are a social unit.)

    A "B list" on this board refers to the practice of sending out a round of invites to an "A list" who may or may not decline and then sending out a "B list" round of invites to an additional group of people to fill the spots of the "A list" who decline.  This is considered to be rude because the "A list" must typically respond well before you need your numbers in (making them commit to something too far in advance) and the "B list" doesn't get enough notice as well as the fact that you are ranking your guests.  (And they will find out/figure it out if they are invited a week before the wedding that they were B listed.)  This is definitely not something you want to participate in.  Even if you have a minimum to meet, you can usually upgrade appetizers or bar selection rather than treating your guests as replaceable commodities.  It also may backfire if an "A list" decliner calls you up the week of the wedding saying their plans have changed and they can make it after all...with their entire family of 8 whose sits you've already filled.

  • I know that we're all adults here but am I the ONLY one that is dying a little everything someone writes "If you gave then a STD you have to invite them" Maybe it's because I spend a lot of time on a single parenting forum where there are younger girls that HAVE std problems, but I'm side sitting over here!!
    It took me awhile to get used to the lingo for these.  Brides have to invite everyone who they give a save the date, not everyone (and probably not anyone!) who they gave a sexually transmitted disease :)
    KeptInStitchesginger2431
  • @annathy03 LMAO! that is too funny! I told my FI we had to get our STDs out by June if we were having a destination wedding (we don't know yet!!) and he looked at me like I was crazy!
  • @ClaireKundinger Yeah, when I asked my MOH over text for her mailing address to send her STD she was like "WTF are you sending me?!"
    [Deleted User]Blue_Bird
  • doeydodoeydo Southwestern Ontario member
    5000 Comments 500 Love Its Third Anniversary 5 Answers
    1.  Yes, you still need to invite these people.

    2.  B-Lists are very rude.
    image
  • kgd7357kgd7357 member
    100 Comments 100 Love Its First Anniversary Name Dropper
    edited November 2013
    I sent one STD I regret. A co worker that ended up moving cross country for grad school. We haven't talked since. Not that I don't like him anymore, I just wish I could add someone else instead. He may or may not come. But I still have to send the invite, and it will be fine either way.
  • I know that we're all adults here but am I the ONLY one that is dying a little everything someone writes "If you gave them a STD you have to invite them" Maybe it's because I spend a lot of time on a single parenting forum where there are younger girls that HAVE std problems, but I'm side splitting over here!!
    For exactly that reason, I always write, "STDate" when talking about the wedding-related stationery. I read a lot of medical books, and that just hits me the wrong way.
    Anniversary

    image
    I'm gonna go with 'not my circus, not my monkeys.'
  • ViczaesarViczaesar Central Coast, CA member
    Ninth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    FYI, lurkers - this is one reason that STDs should not be given out more than 1 year before the wedding, at the earliest.



    aurorajanettejendemeyer
  • Easy with the negativity of referring to parts of my question as shitty, tacky and rude.  This is a forum to HELP, not anonymously berate someone for asking an honest question.  Think before you type.

    P.S.  I also giggle when reading STD referring to save the dates.  Especially my topic line of 'gave out an STD…"
  • AddieCakeAddieCake Beyond the Wall member
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 25 Answers
    It's also a public forum where you don't get to tell others how to post. If they feel it's shitty, tacky, and rude, they have every right to express as much. 
    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
    image
    KeptInStitchesOliveOilsMomSKPMjendemeyer
  • Melanie,  I don't think that anyone was referring to you or your question as shitty, tacky or rude. They were referring more to the concept of B-listing.
    KeptInStitchesdoeydoBlue_Birdjendemeyer
  • climbingwifeclimbingwife NYC 'burbs member
    10000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Yes, this is a forum to help. You are getting help on what you asked about. No one called you shitty. Plain and simple, having a B-list is rude. 
    If you send someone a STD, you must send them an invite. 

    doeydoBlue_Birdjendemeyer
  • @Melanie7967 no body here called you shitty and I think everyone gave you great advice.  If you send someone a StD you have to send them an invitation.  Not inviting them would be rude.  As far as a B-List is concerned they are considered very rude and most people will agree that B-Listing people is a shitty thing.  I believe both Auriannaand the TheFutureMrsRohlmen22 covered that pretty well. 

    At the end of the day it is your wedding and you can do what you want.  We are just here to help you from comitting etiqutte an faux pas so your guests don't think you were being rude, shitty or tacky to them (intentinally or not).  Your wedding has no direct bearing on me!

  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    10000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    If you sent them an STD, you need to follow through with an invitation, regardless of whether you have had contact with them or not in the intervening time, and not have a B-list.
  • You'll need to reach out to folks that have moved to get addresses. This may reignite your friendships, or give them an opportunity to let you know that they won't be able(or, perhaps, don't want) to come before you even send an invite. Hopefully that reach out will yield the "reignition". Moves, new jobs, life changes can really strain a person's ability to stay connected. It's going to give you both the chance to try again. :)
  • I would like to share a personal experience with you. I was given a StD when a childhood friend was getting married. While we are no longer extremely close I was thrilled to be included. I waited for my invitation but it never came. I was deeply hurt by that when I had been led to believe that I would get to attend her wedding. Please don't treat your friends this way.
    SKPM
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