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decisions, decisions....

LinnnLinnn member
10 Comments 5 Love Its Name Dropper
in Wedding Woes

so it's official. I booked my venue for next yr wedding. I guess I should start thinking abt who I'd like to have in the wedding.

I don't want a bridal party per sey. Just a MOH, my mom and niece to walk and that's it.

before I even got engaged, I had it planned that my sis would be my MOH and 4 friends would be BM. Times changed, ppl changed, and my feelings about that have changed tremendously. My sister broke the family.  We are not close anymore and we don't talk at this point. 1 friend out of the 4,went MIA, so she's definitely off the list. 

so it looks like I'll be faced w/ picking between my friends which I REALLY didn't want to do. The relationship btw my friends doesn't feel the same at times, and I really don't know who to choose. One of my friends asked to be my DOC, which I told her yes b/c I trust her and she's great! I had her in mind to be MOH, but not sure I want to give her 2 roles. In conversation, she said she'd preferred to be DOC b/c she can better be served there but if need be, she can be there for me as a MOH if I really want.

From the time I got engaged, she was always happy for me and showed an interest. The others are so so...They also have kids to tend to, and 1 works some really long hrs....so I just don't know. Each of them have some personalities and ways abt them I don't particularly care for, and perhaps its my fault, but I keep thinking abt other events and how they conducted themselves and making that a concern.

one of them who she and I was really close...as of today it just doesn't feel the same. and yes I harbor some feelings abt her lackluster feelings or excitement for my news when announced. it totally turned me off. 

 

What's a girl to do? On my wedding day or leading up to it, I don't want to feel like I can't share info b/c someone may not show genuine happiness for me or even act like they care. I also don't want them to feel a way based on who I pick but I suppose I can't get around that.

I do however want them around me in some shape or form but just don't know how to figure this out....

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Re: decisions, decisions....

  • feeislovefeeislove member
    10 Comments
    You don't NEED a wedding party. I would just have that one friend be the MOH if she doesn't feel like it's too much and just invite the rest to the wedding.
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  • thejucheideathejucheidea member
    Tenth Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer

    1. Per se, not per sey.

    2. How far are you from your wedding? Unless it's very early next year, you shouldn't be picking your wedding party now anyway.

    3. A wedding party is not required, and if the reason you're wanting a wedding party is to help with things for the wedding, you need to keep in mind that their only responsibility is to show up mostly sober and in the outfit required on the wedding day.

    And most importantly, 4. No one is going to be as excited about your wedding as you are. You shouldn't consider 'lackluster' responses to be something negative -- they have their own lives and their own things to be excited about. They don't need to high-five vagina time with you just because you got engaged. Not being obsessed with your wedding or engagement isn't a sign of a bad friend.


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  • LinnnLinnn member
    10 Comments 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    thejucheidea said:

    1. Per se, not per sey.

    2. How far are you from your wedding? Unless it's very early next year, you shouldn't be picking your wedding party now anyway.

    3. A wedding party is not required, and if the reason you're wanting a wedding party is to help with things for the wedding, you need to keep in mind that their only responsibility is to show up mostly sober and in the outfit required on the wedding day.

    And most importantly, 4. No one is going to be as excited about your wedding as you are. You shouldn't consider 'lackluster' responses to be something negative -- they have their own lives and their own things to be excited about. They don't need to high-five vagina time with you just because you got engaged. Not being obsessed with your wedding or engagement isn't a sign of a bad friend.


    2- wedding is sept 2014.

    3- not counting on the bridal party to help out. FI and I got that covered. Growing up, I had a vision of how a wedding is. Obviously times changed.

    4- lol @ vagina high five. I never said all of that. but if my friend told me she was engaged, that IS great news! I would show my excitement. obviously, what I would do and what others would do is different and perhaps I shouldn't expect it. but honestly, that's not cool for a friend to not show excitement or display happiness for such news.

    when one get a new job, a new man, becomes pregnant, or a promotion- that's good news isn't it? isn't that worth sharing and having a friend take the ride with you where applicable?

    and another thing. I am not obsessed w/ my wedding nor do I expect anyone to be. essentially it should be an exciting time in ones life. to be friends over 10yrs and knowing this is a new chapter, it should ignite a feeling but once again that's just me. Perhaps I should stop expecting, then I wont get disappointed or have to create such a thread.

    Of course them not showing excitement doesn't equal bad friend, but it does says something as far as I'm concerned.

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  • thejucheideathejucheidea member
    Tenth Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    See, an engagement isn't big news to me. I don't really care about weddings all that much, so to me it's kind of an 'oh, you're making it legal? cool I guess' response. I don't care enough about humanity as a whole to get up to my tits excited when someone does something that society expects. It may be that your response is to get really excited and want to show your excitement outwardly, but not everyone responds to life events like you do, and you're gonna have to accept that.

    It's too early for you to be asking people to be in your wedding party. A lot can change over almost eleven months -- I know this because our engagement was eleven months long, and I fell out of friendships during that time while other friendships grew.

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  • LinnnLinnn member
    10 Comments 5 Love Its Name Dropper

    that explains your responses.

    lol at what society expects. Don't sum it up to be just that. It can be applied to others scenarios outside of weddings and what I listed originally.

    I've been engaged over a year...and perhaps I'll make a decision some time next year.

     

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  • thejucheideathejucheidea member
    Tenth Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer

    New job: Society expects that people will work to the best of their ability in their strongest field, so if they get a new job, it's a reasonable expectation that they did so to further their career ambitions.

    Promotion: See above. People are expected to work hard and succeed, and many successes are tied to job promotions.

    New man: The general societal expectation is that people get married -- if it weren't, there wouldn't be so many jokes about old maids who live with their cats. Society wants people to couple off and get married, so having a promising match for someone is something expected.

    Pregnancy: Again, the general societal expectation is that couples procreate. I have friends who have no intention of having children and they catch shit for it -- people say 'ohhh, you just don't know what you want, when you get older, you'll realize you want children' because people expect other people to have children.

    So yes, all of the things listed are what society expects.

    I got excited when my best friend began to have hormone replacement to transition from female to male and again when he had top surgery to remove his breasts because those are life-changing, self-affirming movements toward psychological betterment. Was I upset because his roommates weren't celebrating like mad with me when I flew out to Seattle to take care of him pre- and post-op, or that they didn't cry with joy when he successfully finished surgery? No. They have their own lives and their own things to be excited about. Do I think that makes them bad people? No, they just weren't as excited.

    Other people might be excited, but not show it outwardly. I'm usually one of those people. I'm slow to warm up to people and don't know how to respond to many 'life events'. I don't think that reflects poorly on me -- it's just my personality. I think you need to just relax about it -- they'll probably get more excited as the date gets closer! Right now, it's really far away, and it sounds like it's even farther away because you've already been engaged for so long. Cut them some slack.


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  • LinnnLinnn member
    10 Comments 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited November 2013

    what about becoming self sufficient and opening a new business? Is that what society dictates and expects as well? What about doing something or creating something for yourself and sharing that with the world, would that also be what society expects?

    Is that not news to spread to close ones and have them take the ride w/ you? Again, not everything you do in life society expects and even if it does, YOU as the individual have the last say.

    In your example, the roommates displayed their feelings about the situation or perhaps they didn't. Your friend decision SHOULD have igniting some type of feelings though regardless of what they think. I'm pretty sure your friend that made that decision thought about what the other friends thought though. It's a natural thing to want some type of feedback about life changes, especially if you are sharing it with friends. Suppose you didn't visit him or express your happiness, would they have been cool with that? or perhaps since it's your personality to not show feeling, they would've summed it up as "that's who she is"?

    For those other friends that didn't give a damn, did your friend keep them posted on updates?Probably not, b/c there seem to be no concern or interest, so why bother. And if they continued to share, its b/c they are happy and felt the need.

    My point is when a friends' life is changing, friends should be interested. They should show that too, b/c how else would one know. It doesn't take anything from a person to express their feelings.

    But like you said that's your personality...

    I agree that everyone will not show the same excitement and that's fine. But honestly, to have a blank stare or no reaction to anything says a lot.

     

    FYI - Friends in the above context is more than a hi and bye. Friends in this context means years and years of being in each other lives, knowing family, taking trips, and enjoying each other etc.

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  • jojobrnjojobrn member
    Eighth Anniversary 2500 Comments 100 Love Its Name Dropper
    Gracious. This can be summed up in one sentence: No one is going to be as excited for your wedding as you are.

    End of replies.
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  • LinnnLinnn member
    10 Comments 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    lol no kidding. we kind of establish that already.

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