Big Brothers Big Sisters "Little Sister" involvement

Re: Big Brothers Big Sisters "Little Sister" involvement

• Maggie0829 member

  

  November 2013

  I would explain to her that your wedding is adults only.

  
  

  Also, not sure how much you would like to spend, but maybe take her to get a mani/pedi with you a few days prior to your wedding.

  
  

  But I would not invite her or her Grandmother to anything wedding related.

  
  

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• daveANDkristen member

  

  November 2013

  Why is having her attend the reception not an option?  Kids do not have to be all or nothing...

  I don't think there is a proper way to include her in pre-wedding events if she's not invited to the wedding.  And I don't think that etiquette is different for this kind of relationship.  However, if you wanted to bring her with you to attend your shower (if you're having one), that's probably the lesser of all evils in terms of pre-wedding events for her to attend.

  
  

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• misssunshine17 member

  

  November 2013

  If she's not invited to the reception, don't invite her to anything. I would just explain to her. This is the downside of adult only weddings, but it's your decision so you have to own it. 

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• s-aries8990 member

  

  November 2013

  daveANDkristen said:

  Why is having her attend the reception not an option?  Kids do not have to be all or nothing...

  I don't think there is a proper way to include her in pre-wedding events if she's not invited to the wedding.  And I don't think that etiquette is different for this kind of relationship.  However, if you wanted to bring her with you to attend your shower (if you're having one), that's probably the lesser of all evils in terms of pre-wedding events for her to attend.

  I think that if you invite them to the ceremony, you should also invite them to the reception. Period. Honestly, at 12, the ceremony would have been the worst part to attend because it's probably long and boring (from a 12 year old's perspective).
  
  I think that you do need to tell you little sister that it's an adults-only wedding, explain why (even a little white lie I think would be OK in this instance, like blaming budget or space). I think it's ok to take her to get your nails done or something of that nature, but I wouldn't bring her to any pre-wedding parties.
  

   

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• southernbelle0915 mod

  

  November 2013

  I would not invite her and/or her grandma. Logistically it doesn't make sense and you've already decided it's adults only. Explain to her that you're keeping the wedding small (unless you're having hundreds of people and that's not true) and that it's adults only - so none of the kids from your family are going either. 

  
  

  I really like @Maggie0829's idea of getting a pedi with her a few days prior. I think it's a great compromise.

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• Jen4948 member

  

  November 2013

  To be honest, I don't think there is a way to "involve" her in your wedding if it's an adults-only wedding.
  
  I think you need to tell her that the wedding is adults-only, and there will be no one else there her age.
  You can do things together, but they should not be wedding-related.

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• daveANDkristen member

  

  November 2013

  s-aries8990 said:

  daveANDkristen said:

  Why is having her attend the reception not an option?  Kids do not have to be all or nothing...

  I don't think there is a proper way to include her in pre-wedding events if she's not invited to the wedding.  And I don't think that etiquette is different for this kind of relationship.  However, if you wanted to bring her with you to attend your shower (if you're having one), that's probably the lesser of all evils in terms of pre-wedding events for her to attend.

  I think that if you invite them to the ceremony, you should also invite them to the reception. Period. Honestly, at 12, the ceremony would have been the worst part to attend because it's probably long and boring (from a 12 year old's perspective).
  
  I think that you do need to tell you little sister that it's an adults-only wedding, explain why (even a little white lie I think would be OK in this instance, like blaming budget or space). I think it's ok to take her to get your nails done or something of that nature, but I wouldn't bring her to any pre-wedding parties.
  

  
  I meant that if she really wanted this girl at her wedding (that is, ceremony and reception), then she should invite her.  It will not mean that she has to invite other children.  I say this because of her comment that inviting her LS to the reception is "not an option".  I agree that involving her LS in any pre-wedding parties is not the correct thing to do.

  
  

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• MGP member

  

  November 2013 edited November 2013

  Jen4948 said:

  To be honest, I don't think there is a way to "involve" her in your wedding if it's an adults-only wedding.
  
  I think you need to tell her that the wedding is adults-only, and there will be no one else there her age.
  You can do things together, but they should not be wedding-related.

  This.

  
  

  Adding my two cents:

  
  

  You have very valid reasons not to involve her in your wedding and they are all perfectly fine.  I just don't think there is any way to involve her in anything without it looking like a "consolation".  And at age 12 she is probably smart enough to realize that's what it is.  Subjecting any guest of any age to tiered receptions, pre wedding but not actual wedding events, etc. is never appropriate and I don't see this being any different.  Just be honest with her and let her know it's adults only.  She may be crushed but it's better than the alternatives.

  
  

  Also - does BBBS have any rules about involvement outside your normal scheduled time with the kids?  Just curious.  I volunteer as a mentor for young teen moms and the agency is VERY clear about when and how we can interact with them.  It includes things like no exchanging phone numbers, we can't ride in a car with them, and activity times must be pre scheduled and approved by their caseworkers.  It may be different in your case but something to check out to make sure you are not crossing any lines if you end up deciding to involve her in some way.  Good for you to serve as a role model and keep that relationship going for three years!  So many kids out there need that.

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• doeydo member

  

  November 2013

  If you would like her to attend, I think you can invite her to your wedding (the ceremony and reception) and her grandmother will have to drive her or something.  You don't have to pay for hair/make-up/mani-pedis/whatever.  She can come as she is.  However, if you don't want to invite her to both the ceremony and the reception, then just tell her you are sorry and that you were not able to invite everyone you wanted to.

  
  

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• delujm0 member

  

  November 2013

  My FI has a "little brother."  We are having an adults-only wedding (with an exception for our will-be-8 months old nephew), and his Little is 14.  We are inviting his Little and his Little's mother as guests to the ceremony and reception.  If his mother (or brother - if his mom can't make it, his brother should be home from college at that time and we would gladly allow him to come in her place) can't drive him to and from the event, he won't be able to go.  He is very excited about being there, so hopefully it will work out.  We obviously wouldn't be able to drive him to/from the event, and he understands that.

   

  We're really more concerned about where to sit them...we think we're going to assign them to FI's parents' table.  They have been wanting to meet him.  We're also a little worried he will be bored, since he will only know FI and his mother, but at least he should be able to come.

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• afaber24 member

  

  November 2013

  Thanks so much for all the ideas! I really appreciate it.

  @MGP They don't have any rules like you're thinking of. I take her in my car and we talk on the phone all the time. The only rule they have is that you cannot consume alcohol when in the presence of your little. Obviously, I won't be drunk that day, but I will be enjoying my champagne!

  I'd love to invite my little and her grandmother to the ceremony and reception. My only concern is that no other children in her age group are invited and people would get offended that she is there and their kids couldn't come. Also, they won't know anyone except me and my fiancé. With over 300 people invited I'll likely only be able to say "Hi and thanks". Just don't want her to feel like I invited her just to ignore her.

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• Teddy917 member

  

  November 2013

  People will understand that she's your "little sister". You can just invite kids in groups. Inviting her and not your little cousins is like inviting your own siblings but no other kids.
  She'll understand that you're busy.
  The alcohol rule is the only problem that I see. Maybe ask the organization about that.

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• Jen4948 member

  

  November 2013

  afaber24 said:

  Thanks so much for all the ideas! I really appreciate it.

  @MGP They don't have any rules like you're thinking of. I take her in my car and we talk on the phone all the time. The only rule they have is that you cannot consume alcohol when in the presence of your little. Obviously, I won't be drunk that day, but I will be enjoying my champagne!

  I'd love to invite my little and her grandmother to the ceremony and reception. My only concern is that no other children in her age group are invited and people would get offended that she is there and their kids couldn't come. Also, they won't know anyone except me and my fiancé. With over 300 people invited I'll likely only be able to say "Hi and thanks". Just don't want her to feel like I invited her just to ignore her.

  If the bolded is a rule, you might not be able to invite her to your wedding.  I agree that you need to check that out with BBBS.
  

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• daveANDkristen member

  

  November 2013

  scribe95 said:

  I took that it's "not an option" because they don't want kids there.

  
  Yes, I got that.  Except that she said LS is not invited because 1) child-free wedding and 2) LS does not have reliable means to get there.  Including the second point sounds to me like "I'd like to invite her, but can't be responsible for her on my wedding day".  In which case, she can feel free to invite LS and grandma... if they can't make it, they can't make it.  And as PPs have said as well, if she wants her there she need not worry about the fact that other kids aren't invited.

  But not being allowed to consume alcohol in front of her would be the deciding factor for me. 

  
  

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• TerriHugg member

  

  November 2013 edited November 2013

  I"m in the Big Brother Big Sister program too. However, having my little there was not an option  because we had a dw in the BAhamas. 

  
  

  However, I did involved her in a lot of the planning which she really loved. She helped me make my head piece, create welcome bags for the guests, made the guest book, and the madlib questions. 

  
  

  AFter it was all said and done, I sent her a gift from the BAhamas and a thank card showing my appreciation for all her hard work during the planning. I also gave her a gift for helping out. 

  
  

  She had so much fun that she can't wait for me to get married again. LOL  So maybe just having her help you with planning will be enough. 

  
  

  However, if you concerned about it being acceptable to include your little, I suggest talking to your case manager. That's what they are there for. 

  

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• afaber24 member

  

  January 2014

  Just in case anyone was lurking...... Happy to report that everything worked out well! 

  Our match adviser let me know that as long as I'm not the adult responsible for my LS I may consume alcohol in her presence(her grandma will be her supervisor). So I'm going to invite LS and her grandmother to the wedding and reception. It will just be up to them if they'd like to come.

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