Invite Question dealing with Family Feud

Re: Invite Question dealing with Family Feud

• JustNicki member

  

  November 2013 edited November 2013

  TamaraR4 said:

  Okay, I'm sorry but I didn't know where else to pose this question!   This is a bit lengthy and I'm sorry.
  
  First of all, we had a rather large rift in my family that split my Dad's side pretty much in half for nearly 30 years.  That said, the differences are starting to be worked out and the family is coming together again.  My Fiance and I are having a private wedding next week with only our parents and siblings in attendance, but we are sending out Announcements of our wedding so that the rest of the family knows that we got married.  On the back of the announcement I included a brief note stating that the Reception will be in Spring 2014 with the formal invite to follow.  (I have a few relatives who will be upset at not being invited to the ceremony and might get feelings hurt if they weren't aware that a reception was to come.)
  
  Now, I don't know the separated part of the family that well at all-- in fact, I haven't even met some of them.  BUT, we are having a very low-key reception and we would really like to invite them to celebrate with us.  Maybe we could even start to mend a few more fences.
  
  So here is my question.  The family split over something really stupid and trivial.  I would like to include a note to the separated family members of Please no gifts, only your Presence.  My family is extremely traditional and I don't want them to think that my invite is just a gift grab, I really want to help heal the family rift! Should I include that note with the first round of Wedding Announcements or wait and include it with the Reception Invites?
  
  I don't want to sound snotty to anyone, the rest of our family already *knows* that we aren't looking for gifts.  I just don't know these people that well and don't want to step on any fragile toes.  Can anyone advise me on how to handle this?
  

  To answer your question about gifts: do not, under any circumstances, say "no gifts" in any way on your stationery or website. Simply do not create a registry, and if people ASK you or your family what they can get you, simply say "we do not need anything. We are just excited to celebrate with you." Gifts are not to be expected in the first place, so saying you don't want gifts negates that and sends the message that you were expecting them, KWIM?
  
  
  Just to be clear, you're having a small wedding next week and then a "reception" in the spring? Please don't make it anything like an actual wedding or wedding reception. All guests invited to the ceremony must be invited to the reception, and vice versa. In order for your event in the spring to not be rude, you need to bill it as just a party. No wedding stuff, no fake ceremony. Or, you could wait a few years and do a vow renewal and invite those whom you didn't have at your ceremony.
  
  ETA: You can send wedding announcements to the rest of your family, but you cannot include information about an invitation to a reception (whether close or in the future) because it breaks the etiquette of inviting ALL guests to ALL wedding events.

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• tamarar5 member

  

  November 2013 edited November 2013

  No, we are having a reception only in the fact that we are celebrating our wedding. No white dress, no special dances, etc. We are having a BIG party. Like I said it will be very low key, pig roast. No ceremony, no real wedding cake, though our dessert table is being baked by a close friend who does weddings. He had already decided sheet cake in chocolate and white, several pies, cookies, and other baked goods. We only want to pull together our families and have a good time.
  
  We don't have a registry anywhere. Do you think that will be enough to express our desire for their presence? I kind of think I'm over thinking the whole thing, but we have waited for so long for this half of the family to join us again, I would HATE for any misunderstandings to distance then again!

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• melbelleup member

  

  November 2013

  TamaraR4 said:

  No, we are having a reception only in the fact that we are celebrating our wedding. No white dress, no special dances, etc. We are having a BIG party. Like I said it will be very low key, pig roast. No ceremony, no real wedding cake, though our dessert table is being baked by a close friend who does weddings. He had already decided sheet cake in chocolate and white, several pies, cookies, and other baked goods. We only want to pull together our families and have a good time. We don't have a registry anywhere. Do you think that will be enough to express our desire for their presence? I kind of think I'm over thinking the whole thing, but we have waited for so long for this half of the family to join us again, I would HATE for any misunderstandings to distance then again!

  1st- If you're having a big party- call it a party. People won't bring gifts to a party anyways. you're just celebrating the marriage, not having a reception.
  
  2nd- that is what you're suppose to do. Unless someone asks, just don't register. If someone asks you "where are you registered?" "what would you like?" Just say no gifts are needed and your presence is present enough
  

  

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• tamarar5 member

  

  November 2013

  We aren't having the party at the same time because we live more than 500 miles from the rest of our family and when we decided in June that we wanted to elope, there was a real chance we could have a lot of snow where we live. We were just going to go to the courthouse just us and witnesses, but both our mom's freaked out when our daughter told them by accident (didn't know she overheard and she is 6). So we said we would invite our immediate family only then have a reception back in our home town later. We thought about doing it sooner than April, but again the snow issue. We live in the northern Midwest and NORMALLY have snow already. We honestly couldn't justify asking both of our VERY large families to travel so far knowing the weather could be bad and that everyone would have to not only take time from work, but stay multiple nights in a motel. We are paying for everything ourselves, but we just couldn't afford to help with lodging costs too.
  
  The solution actually came from out mothers- wedding now, reception back home when the snow is gone. By having the reception back in our home town, the farthest distance most relatives will have to go is about 150 miles. We've already talked to several lodging places in the area and set up room blocks for anyone who wants to stay over, but knowing our relatives, they will mostly go home. I know it's not traditional, and it's not really pepper etiquette, therefore not really the right place to ask my question, but we really were trying to think of our families.
  
  I spent several hours on TK last night reading, and have ultimately kaboshed the word "reception" entirely. It's just a party. A very big party. I can meet his family, he can meet mine.

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• Jen4948 member

  

  November 2013

  Good that you're not calling this a "reception."  But no, you cannot mention gifts in any way in your invitations to this party, including "no gifts" requests.  It is never appropriate to assume that you are entitled to a gift-not even in celebration of a marriage.
  

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• OliveOilsMom member

  

  November 2013

  So you made your announcements already?  Could you make them again at a low cost?  Put the wording "private ceremony", so that anyone who recieves the announcement knows that the ceremony had very little attendees.

  And this comes from experience.  Don't try to be the one who mends the fences between your dad and the rest of the family.  You can't push people back together.  My mom's family is split and some don't talk to others.  If you try to be the one to bring everyone together and, for whatever reason, not everyone who is estranged attends, you may feel like you couldn't make it happen and be disappointed in yourself.  Your family split before you were born, so it is in no way your responsibility to bring them back together.  They need to do that one their own.

  

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• dramamonkey member

  

  November 2013

  TamaraR4 said:

  ....The solution actually came from out mothers- wedding now, reception back home when the snow is gone. By having the reception back in our home town, the farthest distance most relatives will have to go is about 150 miles. We've already talked to several lodging places in the area and set up room blocks for anyone who wants to stay over, but knowing our relatives, they will mostly go home. I know it's not traditional, and it's not really pepper etiquette, therefore not really the right place to ask my question, but we really were trying to think of our families. I spent several hours on TK last night reading, and have ultimately kaboshed the word "reception" entirely. It's just a party. A very big party. I can meet his family, he can meet mine.

  To the bolded - I'm curious what pepper etiquette is... does it have to do with sharing your peppers? 

  
  

  Sorry. Just made me giggle. 

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• cidefi member

  

  November 2013

  If its truely a party, then plan it as a party and invite whomever. If its just a party, then send out PARTY invites, and people will understand that its a party, not a reception.
  
  The announcement that you got married is enough for those family members and friends who weren't invited to the ceremony. I wouldn't even put anything on the back about the upcoming event. Again a party is a party, treat it like a party, send separate invites at a later date.
  
  Hope everything works out with your family. Good luck~

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• tamarar5 member

  

  November 2013 edited November 2013

  dramamonkey said:

  
  

  TamaraR4 said:

  
  

  ....The solution actually came from out mothers- wedding now, reception back home when the snow is gone. By having the reception back in our home town, the farthest distance most relatives will have to go is about 150 miles. We've already talked to several lodging places in the area and set up room blocks for anyone who wants to stay over, but knowing our relatives, they will mostly go home. I know it's not traditional, and it's not really pepper etiquette, therefore not really the right place to ask my question, but we really were trying to think of our families.
  
  I spent several hours on TK last night reading, and have ultimately kaboshed the word "reception" entirely. It's just a party. A very big party. I can meet his family, he can meet mine.

  
  

  To the bolded - I'm curious what pepper etiquette is... does it have to do with sharing your peppers? 

  
  

  Sorry. Just made me giggle. 

  
  
  Lol! Thanks for pointing that out, that made me laugh too. *PROPER New phone hates me. Thank you for all the advice!

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• princessleia22 member

  

  November 2013

  I agree that sending the announcements is enough for now, maybe stating that "Bride & Groom were married in a small private ceremony surrounded by their immediate families".  That should point out to people why they weren't invited and prevent any hard feelings. Then send invites to your party next summer at a later time.  I agree that if you word it as an informal party, rather than a wedding reception, people are much less likely to think gifts are necessary.  Especially if you work the party invites to point out that it is an informal BBQ get together to let the extended family get to know the happy couple.  

  
  

  And if you are worried about making sure the extended family feels comfortable with it and knows not to bring gifts, after you send out the party invites, maybe call one of them that you know best to let them know that you really hope their side of the family is able to make it and clarify that it is an informal get together, not a reception, and ask them to spread the word to everyone else on that side of the family.

   

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• kitty8403 member

  

  November 2013

  The no gifts thing had been covered.
  OP, I know something of what you are going through. We spent decades dealing with a very bitter family feud. The only reason I can now try to include both sides of that portion of our family is that the main people responsible for keeping the fight going are either dead or gone (no contact). I would never, ever have tried to use my wedding to bring those parties together if they were not already attempting to do so on their own--that had to be their decision. It was not my place to push them into something they were not ready for. I strongly suggest talking to your parents before deciding who to invite, and do be prepared for the possibility that not all of your relatives will be comfortable with this.
  

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• tamarar5 member

  

  November 2013

  @Kitty8403. I know what you mean. I'm not trying to use the party as a way to pull the family together, but I do want to give them a choice to come. The person who initially started the problem passed away a few years ago. Since then, the estranged family had been reaching out and coming to more and more events. But just like any party, I will send the invites and let THEM decide whether they want to come or not. The healing in the family has been a long time coming. Most of the family affected are younger, like me, and have no idea why there was a feud in the first place! The older members are finally letting go of the petty fight.

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• SP29 member

  

  November 2013 edited November 2013

  Agreed- sent out your announcements to family right after the ceremony, as is, no future notes. Then when it comes closer time for your party, send out separate invites for that. 

  
  

  Spring 2014 is still a fair ways away and you never know what could happen with your family between now and then... more feud, less feud, etc. 

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• tamarar5 member

  

  November 2013

  Thank you for the sound advice. I sealed my announcements today sans any additional notes. I talked with both my parents and they actually disagreed with each other- my dad thought I should and mom shouldn't- but ultimately agreed that if any one asked where we were registered, they could just tell the guests we only want their presence and not their presents. Again, thank you for the information! One less stressor.

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