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photokitty · November 2013

I think your FI could mention you are looking for an outdoor location and want to rent a tent and whatnot. Then, and only then, if, and only if, his uncle offers can you accept. You and your FI should not ask. It is a huge ask, and your FI is correct to think it would be too big a favor to ask. And you would be putting uncle on the spot. Find a venue you two can afford within your budget. Sorry.

golden1215 · November 2013

no one has to give you their money for your wedding. find a venue within your price range and move forward.

golden1215 · November 2013

and if you ever have to ask yourself "person" versus "material item" (like your title suggests)- your priorities are probably in need of some adjustment.

climbingsingle · November 2013

I'm sorry - your post title grates. I agree with the PP that your priorities seem out of whack.

You seem irritated that people aren't throwing money at you to pay for the wedding. Honestly, get over that. Pay for the weddings yourselves and find a venue that you can afford. Your FI is clearly not comfortable asking his uncle to host your event on his property. That's a lot to ask of someone. Respect how your FI feels. Find a different venue.

CommitmentCat · November 2013

Firstly, I think that you shouldn't really expect his family to offer to pay just because they are wealthy. Which it kind of sounds like you do by calling him stingy.

I think you should respect your FIs wishes. I would never expect my FI to ask something of his family that he was not comfortable doing just to save some money. I think that's putting unfair pressure on him.

itzMS · November 2013

K20CajunQueen said:
This is sort of a question/rant...

My fiance and I have only been engaged a few months now. I have been searching far and wide for a venue I even relatively like. I still have yet to find one that I even like, regardless of how much it costs. Just to give you an insight, my fiance and I are paying for our own wedding because my family cannot afford to pay for anything and my fiance's wealthy father is too stingy with his money to spend it on his kids from his previous marriage (that's a whole new rant lol). All of my family except my mother, father, and brother are all in Louisiana and Mississippi. Only about 15 people from my family will be attending the wedding as I have a small family. His family on the other hand is a typical, HUGE family. I mean, about 180 people just from his side will be attending our wedding. Now if we are paying for this out of our pocket and it's mainly his family, I think I should have some say on where my half of the money goes! Anyways, here is my dilemma.

My fiance works for his uncle at his pharmacy. His uncle has a beautiful home on a large, gorgeous, well maintained piece of property on a lake. I think it would be a gorgeous place to have our wedding out by the lake and then rent one of those large tents for the reception. We wouldn't even use his house, just his property. This way we could have ample time for set up, we could bring whatever we want for caterers, cake, decorations...really the whole shebang. This would save us TONS of money and stress! He said for months he would ask, and never did. I asked him again a few nights ago and he got really uptight and said "I don't want to bother asking him so he doesn't feel obligated to say yes!" This, of course, set me off. I told him I had been waiting months for him to ask, while yes I have still been researching other venues, and he just now tells me this. His uncles place is in town as well so no one will have to drive but 15 mins at max from where they live.

Here is my question, do you think I should respect his wishes and just say okay, I understand or do you think I should be like "look, I understand where you are coming from but all you have to tell him is that if he isn't comfortable with it and he guinely doesn't want to do it then that's fine, no hard feelings, we move on to another plan. I just think this would be a huge help on our budget and stress since it will be an easy place for everyone to gather." etc? I would just be more comfortable knowing he was the one who didn't want to do it rather than my fiance being shy, which he is. He's kinda insecure with his family.

I mean, am I being stingy or do you think there is some way to approach this? Please give me some insight.

Thanks!

200 guests on the uncle's lawn can cause thousands of dollars in damage (I know this from experiencing a lawn getting torn to shreds from a large party)

Your tent will need lighting, as well as your DJ and Caterer will need electricity which can increase the uncle's bill hundreds of dollars. The caterer may also need to utilize the kitchen for water. Your cake may need refrigeration if the weather isn't favorable.

Don't even get me started on the weather in general. Would the uncle be okay with 200 people in his home in case of lightning or a storm?

What about restrooms? What about Parking?

Move on and find another venue.

JMalettas · November 2013

ClimbingBrideNY said:

I'm sorry - your post title grates. I agree with the PP that your priorities seem out of whack.
You seem irritated that people aren't throwing money at you to pay for the wedding. Honestly, get over that. Pay for the weddings yourselves and find a venue that you can afford. Your FI is clearly not comfortable asking his uncle to host your event on his property. That's a lot to ask of someone. Respect how your FI feels. Find a different venue.

This. It's not anyone else's job to pay for your wedding, or offer their services/lawns. You need to make a budget, figure out what you can afford, and plan accordingly. If your FI is uncomfortable asking his Uncle to use his property, then move on. You and your FI should both have a say, and it shouldn't be based on who has more family coming.

PS: Even if you 'could' use his Uncle's property, I don't think you've looked very far into other costs that come with an outdoor wedding. 'Especially' if you have no access to the house. You're not looking at saving a whole heck of a lot!

*J

Cokezerofreak · November 2013

I am sure you can find a venue that specializes in outdoor weddings and tented receptions. As you said, it's been months, your FI's uncle hasn't offered nor does he feel comfortable asking. I wouldn't push it any longer, move on.

CallaLily25 · November 2013

I personally feel that you should respect your FI's wishes.

He seemed to make it perfectly clear that he did not feel comfortable asking his uncle, and pushing him into asking him despite his feelings on the matter would be inconsiderate. Also, I happen to agree with your FI. If he asks his uncle, it may put him on the spot and he may feel obligated to say yes even if he really doesn't want to host your wedding. Even if I had the most beautiful house in the world, I don't think I would want the liability of hosting 180 guests. It's one thing if the uncle offers completely on his own, but I don't think it's right to have your FI ask him.

I know the venue search must be frustrating and your FI uncle's house sounds beautiful, but at the end of the day, it's better to respect your FI's feelings and choose a venue that doesn't put anybody in a potentially awkward or uncomfortable position.

southernbelle0915 · November 2013

I highly doubt you'd pull this off for cheaper than renting a banquet hall or community center. If you decide to do this, EVERYTHING is a la carte and you have to coordinate it yourself. It's not as simple as it may seem. Here's a short list of what you'd need:

- rent tables plus delivery, set up, tear down fees

- rent chairs plus delivery, set up, tear down fees (double if you're having the ceremony there - rude to ask people to move their own chairs or hire someone to move them)

- rent linens plus delivery, set up, tear down fees

- rent several portapotties (you can't ask your uncle to open his private home and sewer system to 200 people)

- come up with a system for parking. Since it's all street parking (I assume), perhaps permits or hire valet since guests may not be able to park close enough.

- rent a dance floor plus delivery, set up, tear down (if you're having dancing)

- rent a tent plus delivery set up tear down

- depending on the time of year, you'll want fans if it's hot, heaters if it's cold. if it's pouring rain, do you just huddle under the tent? What about the ceremony?

- paying for repairs to his lawn (trust me, it will get ruined)

- you'd have to have the reception end early due to neighborhood ordinances about noise (if any)

Honestly, OP, even if the uncle asked you to have your wedding there, I probably wouldn't do it just because it sounds like a logistical nightmare. If you were having a small/intimate wedding, my advice would be totally different.

ETA: and that list doesn't even scratch the surface of coordinating caterers and other vendors for a huge residential event (usually, they'll want a prep kitchen, etc...).

lizandmark2014 · November 2013

I would look at other venues. I would however ask your FI why he wasn't up front with you the last few times you asked about the house.

HisGirlFriday13 · November 2013

If you're looking to make this a less expensive affair, I suggest starting with the guest list. You're saying 180 people from your FI's side alone will be attending -- how big is your guest list overall?

Sit down and look at it critically -- ask your FI how many of these people are VIPs and absolutely MUST be invited, then figure out how many of them are "but so-and-so will be offended if their kids aren't invited."

Ask him how many of these people he's truly close to, versus which ones he's inviting to keep the family peace.

THEN figure out how many people you REALLY have on your guest list.

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