Need Knottie opinions about DH's BSC grandmother

HisGirlFriday13 · October 2013

It's been more than two weeks since our wedding, so of course DH's BSC-grandmother had to come up with something to complain to him about me.

Her full name is, let's say, Melanie . And she usually/often goes by Melly. I have always called her Melanie, because to use the diminutive implies, to me, familiarity, fraternity, and friendliness -- none of which I feel for her, nor has she expressed to me (cf., telling me, 'Just because you're marrying him doesn't mean you're my family now. You're not.')

She told DH that it 'hurts her feelings' that I call her Melanie, not Melly, and that I don't call her 'Grandma'. He said, 'Well, have you ever told HisGirl that you want to be called 'Melly,' not 'Melanie'?' She said, 'No, she's just supposed to know.'

*headdesk*

DH doesn't call her 'Grandma.' None of his siblings, or their kids, or his cousins, call her 'Grandma.' Everyone in the family calls her 'Melly.' I'm not comfortable with that for the aforementioned reasons, and I also think that, if you want to be called by something, you TELL PEOPLE THAT.

BUT -- for DH's sake, I'd be willing to get over my issues with the name and call her by it, as much as it would bother me to do so.

WWKD?

OliveOilsMom · October 2013

She's usually such an asshat to you that I would keep with the formal name. IF she ever softens her stance on your relationship with H, then I might start calling her "Melly".

KytchynWitche · October 2013

I would only call her Melly if she was introduced to me as such, or if she told me herself to call her Melly - not through the grapevine, but in person, to my face. Otherwise I would be calling her Melanie (or whatever she was introduced to me as).

Or frankly, from what you've said about her on here, not calling her at all.

But y'know, I can be a spiteful little bitch, so you shouldn't go by what I say if it's gonna cause ructions in your family!

smalfrie19 · October 2013

I have plenty of names you can call her...

MairePoppy · October 2013

I don't know your history with Melly, but I think it's rude not to address someone by their preferred name. If you are calling her Melanie to piss her off, then mission accomplished.

HisGirlFriday13 · October 2013

MairePoppy said:

I don't know your history with Melly, but I think it's rude not to address someone by their preferred name. If you are calling her Melanie to piss her off, then mission accomplished.

I'm calling her Melly because (a) it's how she was introduced to me and she has NEVER told me directly to call her anything else; and (b) she has been nothing but rude to me. She brought up DH's ex-GF at my bridal shower, saying how much she wished he had married her; she told me every idea I had about the wedding was "tacky, declasse, and exactly what I'd expect from a Catholic," and she told me that no matter what, I'll never be family.

I've posted on here multiple times about her. This is, for me, the final straw. She also sent shower invites to several people who weren't invited to the wedding -- and whom she KNEW weren't invited to the wedding -- and then said to me, smugly, "I know you weren't going to invite them, but I invited them to the shower, so now you have to invite them."

So, do I want to piss her off? Yeah, maybe I do. I never said I didn't. But I'm trying to decide if it's worth sticking to my guns and making her tell me directly what she wants or giving in and letting her manipulate DH with her guilt trips.

daria24 · October 2013

I get that she's a heinous twatwaffle, but I would just call her Melly (though certainly not Grandma). My grandmother has a nickname that she goes by, she absolutely loathes her full name. Every single person from the doctor's office to her closest friends use her nickname, to her it doesn't imply a close relationship, it's just the name that she goes by that doesn't sound like nails on a chalkboard to her.

There are definitely people that use a nickname like that only with close acquaintances, but if it's the case where EVERYONE uses that name, just use it and be done with it. Don't give her more fuel.

offthemarket915 · October 2013

After reading what she said / did, it sounds to me like she can kiss your grits. I'd be hard pressed not to take it a step further, and call her Mrs. ________, as I'm told most from that generation prefer. What? blink blink I'm just trying to be respectful... Bless her heart.

I have to add, I lol'd at the part about expecting as much from a Catholic. Reminded me of the stories of my Great grandmother chasing my father off the porch with a broom b/c he was a "dirty Irish Protestant".

MairePoppy · October 2013

She sounds like my MIL.

My advice: Save yourself some aggravation. Call her whatever she wants to be called, but avoid her as much as possible. Pick your battles.

ETA - To me, her rude remark about Catholics would have been a battle worth fighting. The extra shower guests? That faux pas was on her. You could have let her explain to those people that she had made a 'mistake' with the shower guest list.

Grabows14 · October 2013

I agree with @MariePoppy...not a hill worth dying on. And who knows maybe it will help mend the relationship between you

doeydo · October 2013

If that was my husband's grandmother, I would have cut the strings between us by then or have told him to have a serious talk with her and if she didn't change, then f*ck her.
I know your husband has talked to her about some of the things she has done/said, but I have a low threshold for rudeness and being disrespected.

banana468 · October 2013

I'd give her this one. Calling someone other than what she prefers is one of the best ways to cement your DH smack in between the two of you.

I'm not denying that she's a horrible, cold woman. However, if you refuse to call her what she wants, there will always be something that happens to pull your DH to run interference.

You need to pick and choose your battles. Yes, you can "win" all of them, but what do you gain?

AprilH81 · October 2013

Yeah, I would have cut off contact a long time ago, but if you/husband (YEAH!!!) aren't ready to do that yet I would let her "win" this one. There are much bigger battles that would be worth fighting over.

PrettyGirlLost · October 2013

Grabows14 said:

I agree with @MariePoppy...not a hill worth dying on. And who knows maybe it will help mend the relationship between you

She's how old- 80's, 90's? She's decided she doesn't like HisGirlFriday and I don't think anything is going to change her mind, not at this age, no matter what 'Friday calls her or does.

I'd continue to call her what you have been calling her until she asks you otherwise. Even if you start calling her Melly, there's always going to be something else you do that she is going to bitch to her grandson about until either he just stops engaging her or she dies. Sorry to be blunt, but you KWIM.

HisGirlFriday13 · October 2013

PrettyGirlLost said:

Grabows14 said:

I agree with @MariePoppy...not a hill worth dying on. And who knows maybe it will help mend the relationship between you

She's how old- 80's, 90's? She's decided she doesn't like HisGirlFriday and I don't think anything is going to change her mind, not at this age, no matter what 'Friday calls her or does.

I'd continue to call her what you have been calling her until she asks you otherwise. Even if you start calling her Melly, there's always going to be something else you do that she is going to bitch to her grandson about until either he just stops engaging her or she dies. Sorry to be blunt, but you KWIM.

I think this is where I'm stuck. Yeah, I could give in on the name thing (even though not everyone calls her Melly, just some/most people), but then it would be something ELSE that she doesn't like me for, something ELSE that she bitches to DH about.

She bitched about my hair (long and blonde) for ages because she thought it looked too "young" for me to wear my hair past my shoulders.

When she realised she wasn't going to get any traction out of that one, she switched to not liking other things: that I'm Catholic; that my nephew calls me by an ethnic nickname common in our family; that DH and I plan to raise our children Catholic; that my favourite colour is yellow (seriously -- she told DH that yellow doesn't look good on blondes, so I shouldn't have yellow flowers at our wedding). etc.

So if I give her this one, aren't I laying the groundwork for her to manipulate and guilt-trip DH into changing something else, just to suit her random, bizarre demands? I mean that honestly -- if I thought giving in on this one would do any good, I would, but I think it's just the first step on a slippery slope.

MairePoppy · October 2013

The thing is criticizing your religion, your looks, the way you're going to raise your children is rude on her part. That makes her look bad. You don't have to tolerate it. Your husband could let her know you and he are a package deal and if she doesn't want to play nicely, then she won't be seeing much of either of you and your future children.

Calling her a name that offends her is rude on your part. It's such a petty and groundless thing to take a stand on. Why would you allow her a justifiable complaint? It doesn't make sense.

HisGirlFriday13 · October 2013

@MariePoppy the name doesn't offend her. Her family and close friend call her 'Melly,' but a lot of people also call her 'Melanie.' It's not like she hates the name and NO ONE EXCEPT ME calls her that. Her freaking MINISTER calls her that.

PolarBearFitz · October 2013

@HisGirlFriday - I think it's beyond unfortunate that she chooses to use your husband as a go between. Personally I would stick to calling her Melanie until she comes to me to discuss it. She seems (from what I can tell in other posts) that she is just stuck in her ways and looking for something to complain about. Granny is drinking copious amounts of haterade.

If she isn't complaining about your use of her name/your religion/colors/hair styles then she may just rot in her misery. Can't have that. <sarcasm>

So let her go word vomit her particularly ridiculous, rude, and heinously awful complaints and try to ignore them.

misssunshine17 · October 2013

banana468 said:

I'd give her this one. Calling someone other than what she prefers is one of the best ways to cement your DH smack in between the two of you.

I'm not denying that she's a horrible, cold woman. However, if you refuse to call her what she wants, there will always be something that happens to pull your DH to run interference.

You need to pick and choose your battles. Yes, you can "win" all of them, but what do you gain?

It totally sucks (and my reaction would be the same as yours) but I really think this the way to go. You could also just avoid using her name in conversation.

KeptInStitches · October 2013

My dad's mom has always been what might be kindly termed as "difficult." My mom told me the best way to deal with her was to be civil, so that when we went home we weren't embarrassed by our behavior no matter how badly she had behaved. IMO, that includes calling her by her preferred name or avoiding using her name in conversation.

APDSS22 · October 2013

I think it would be different if she had, at any point, said to you that she really prefers to be called "Melly." Then, you could be respectful of her wishes and call her by her preferred name to keep the peace. The fact that she goes behind your back to talk to your husband about it but has never corrected it to your face (the time to do this would've been at the introduction when she should've said "You may call me Melly" or "I prefer to go by Melly, HisGirlFriday13") says to me that she really just wants to stir up something with you. I'd either avoid using her name entirely or call her by the preferred name just to see if she can come up with something more interesting to gripe about. Because she probably will. Because she's completely crazy.

climbingsingle · October 2013

She sounds like a real peach. I'd keep calling her Melanie.

gm5 · October 2013

It seems to me (base on previous stories of this woman), she WANTS to make you uncomfortable. She WANTS to get a rise out of you whenever, however she can. She feeds on making you uncomfortable and would very much enjoy knowing she is causing you anguish over this (or anything she says for that matter). As to you being disrespectful not calling her what she wishes to be called.. I don't know. Is it disrepectful to her or to you? My MIL is nuts.. in quiet zingers here and there. Over time I found it didn't matter how much I ignored it, changed the subjec etc.., it didn't stop and over the years I steadily got madder and madder until I lashed out at EVERY LITTLE thing she said. I'm telling you, it won't stop. She'll always have something to say. Personally, I'd look her straight in the eye and call her Melanie. It's not disrespectful. She hasn't earned any respect from you. Be respectful of yourself.

cruffino · October 2013

i know i'm horrible, but i'd just be looking at the clock wondering when this old bag would croak.

maryemoo · November 2013

gm5. She hasn't earned your respect yet, especially with all of the hateful nasty things she has said/done. Also, you can't be expected to just magically know what she wants. Unless you're psychic. Assuming you're not, she needs to put on her big girl grown up panties and tell you. Otherwise, do what you have been doing.

southernbelle0915 · November 2013

She sucks. In the most secret and internally evil way possible I'd be counting down to the funeral like I am to NYE 2014.

In the meantime, you gotta deal with her. I guess I would handle this by confronting her directly: "DH told me you had a conversation with him that you'd like me to address you as 'Melly'. If so, I want to make sure I honor that. Would you like me to call you 'Melly' going forward?" Take what she says and do it. Boom! You = bigger person; She = confronted with direct politeness that she can't talk shit about (she probably will but she'll look like the shit talking asshat that you've described her as).

She's a passive aggressive idiot and should have had this conversation with you directly, but she didn't (no surprise) it's only polite to address people how they want to be addressed.

Need Knottie opinions about DH's BSC grandmother

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