How to bring up clothing with wedding party?

fungrl97 · November 2013

I have decided the clothing parameters for our wedding party: Long Chiffon Dresses in a Deep Red for the women (they can pick the dress silhouette / neckline) and morning suits or charcoal gray suits for the men. However, I have a hard time telling people this. I feel like I'm basically just asking them for money / asking them to spend over $100 on looking nice for my wedding and while I understand that it's somewhat expected where I live that wedding party dresses themselves, it just makes me feel rude and grabby asking them for anything.

What is the best way to politely bring this up? In person isn't an option, since only one of the members of our bridal party lives in the same state as we do.

clg1213 · November 2013

I think an email is fine. For me, the earlier the better...at least assuming the bride is sure about the choice. I think wedding party members generally know that agreeing includes agreeing to the wardrobe. It is preferable to ask them their price range in advance.

Viczaesar · November 2013

Have you asked them each their budget?

LondonLisa · November 2013

Ask each person, individually, what their budget is/ what they would like to spend. The lowest budget amount means that your dresses can only cost this amount (even if everyone else says they can spend triple this amount). Otherwise, you can subsidise a higher cost dress for everyone so it only reaches the lowest budget amount . Any required accessories, shoes, professional makeup/hair, jewellery should be paid for by the Bride and Groom.

Maggie0829 · November 2013

Since you are letting your wedding party pick whatever long red chiffon dress/grey suit that they would like you do not need to ask their budget.

As for how to tell them I would just send an email to let them know the parameters.

For the guys, I would make a decision between a suit and a morning suit before you send the email. To me it would look weird if some men were in morning suits and others were in just regular suits.

StephJean83 · November 2013

I always took it if you gave a length, color and fabric than the bride didn't have to ask budget since the girls than can go any where and buy.

I would have your FI say to the GMs, "For our wedding we are looking for morning suits or grey suit. Any questions just ask." And for the BMs, you can email/ call them and tell them you want them to select any dress they want in deep red, long and made of chiffon. If you have a color you were aiming for, I would include that or a designer who's color pallette you liked.

KickAssMOH · November 2013

When my friends and I have participated in weddings where the bride asks us to choose our own dress that fits within certain color/length/material parameters, we've found it very helpful when the bride sends along links to websites where she's seen dresses similar to what she'd want her bridal party to wear. Sometimes as a bridesmaid, it feels good to purchase a dress that not only suits your personal taste, but is also something that you know makes the bride happy. Maybe you could send along some options in varying price points as suggestions?

msuprincess04 · November 2013

I agree, I think an e-mail is totally appropriate. I also think sending along links as examples of dresses you like is a good place to start. It not only helps them visualize the color, but some girls who may not feel like finding something else may just get that dress (though, I'd send a few different ones).

itzMS · November 2013

To me, the OP's requests are a little too specific.

For example my DH already owns a lovely grey suit, but we wouldn't know if it's what the OP defines as "charcoal". Admittedly, we'd be a bit miffed if they asked him to buy another grey suit because his isn't "charcoal-y" enough without asking our budget.

Is there really any place to buy a long, chiffon, deep red dress besides a bridal shop? (unless you luck out on Ebay or maybe Macys/Nordstrom). As we learned from helping Ms. Mint Green yesterday, colors really vary by designer and individual interpretation.

OP, unless you 100% don't care what shade of red or grey your BP shows up in, get their budgets and specify a designer.

photokitty · November 2013

When it comes to the guys, do you really need to ask for a budget? I mean if you are renting tuxes you can't get them cheaper than they cost in your city. Maids dresses you can get cheap, bc there are some many options out there. Does the groom say how much tux rental is and then guys decline if they can't afford the rental cost? I'm assuming the groom in this scenario gets one of the cheapest options, not the Hugo Boss upper end line. But then I think most guys when asked for a budget would say, "whatever dude, it's your wedding."

southernbelle0915 · November 2013

If you're going to specify a certain designer or give them choices to pick from, you need to ask for their budget first. Privately. Do this via a phone call or email. "Hi, I'm narrowing down WP attire, but I want to make sure I ask your budget first. What are you comfortable spending on a dress/suit?" Pick something at the lowest price point and email out, "Hi all, here's what we've decided for dresses/suits. Due to XYZ, you'll want to order by XX/XX/XX. Thanks again for standing up on our wedding day - it means so much!" Done.

If you're just telling them anything within the requirements in your OP, just email out the specs and you're done.

itzMS · November 2013

photokitty said:
When it comes to the guys, do you really need to ask for a budget? I mean if you are renting tuxes you can't get them cheaper than they cost in your city. Maids dresses you can get cheap, bc there are some many options out there. Does the groom say how much tux rental is and then guys decline if they can't afford the rental cost? I'm assuming the groom in this scenario gets one of the cheapest options, not the Hugo Boss upper end line. But then I think most guys when asked for a budget would say, "whatever dude, it's your wedding."

Yeah, you still need to ask. Most guys do know that accepting to be in a wedding means about a $200 cost. However, someone might not know, and might really want to be in the wedding but not have $200. It's up to the groom to decide if he wants to help pay for the costs or find a cheaper option for everyone (i.e. Wear any black suit you want!)

jdblnn · November 2013

Agreed with the posts above re: email contact, ect. However, since you want a specific shade for your BM's I suggest you take the girls shopping so you can show them what you had in mind and/or find some swatches of the color scheme your looking for. "Deep Red" could mean something different to everyone. As for the suits, commit to either morning suits or regular suits before contacting the GMs. If you do go with a morning suit, you may want to hit up men's warehouse (or a local tux shop), and see the options. It's unlikely that most of your GMs have morning suits hanging in their closet. Finally, for the tuxes, consider doing a group order at a local store. You can usually get a better price ordering as a group than the guys would get ordering alone.

wrigleyville · November 2013

photokitty said:

When it comes to the guys, do you really need to ask for a budget? I mean if you are renting tuxes you can't get them cheaper than they cost in your city. Maids dresses you can get cheap, bc there are some many options out there. Does the groom say how much tux rental is and then guys decline if they can't afford the rental cost? I'm assuming the groom in this scenario gets one of the cheapest options, not the Hugo Boss upper end line. But then I think most guys when asked for a budget would say, "whatever dude, it's your wedding."

Yes, the price of renting different types of morning suits and tuxes varies depending on the fit, designer, and time of year. If someone is "big & tall", it can sometimes cost more because the store might have to get it from another store's inventory.

When H browsed for tuxes, we saw prices starting around $75 and as high as $500.

CTYankeeBride · November 2013

The budget does matter for the guys as well. As someone who spent over $100 for an 8 year old to be in a tuxedo for a wedding he was in (after we were told that the suit he already had was fine), I wish I had been consulted about the budget. So yes, there is a difference between telling someone to purchase a suit in their own price range/ wear a suit they already have vs. telling them there will likely be a tuxedo rental. FI has no issue spending a few hundred dollars on a suit, because he will be able to wear it again. For a tux, he'd want to stay close to $100 ish because he won't wear it again- that's his preference.

Telling the BM's to get a long, dark red dress is fine and they can choose what's in their budget without you having to ask what that is, unless you'd really like them to stick to a specific designer. For instance if you expect them to get a specific designer where dresses start at $200, then I would find out what the budget is before telling them to pick something from that line, in case someone's budget is more like $100. Sticking to one designer is the best way to make sure that they all end up with dresses that are incredibly close in color (if not exact- different fabrics can vary in color by designer). If they're free to buy something they find anywhere, then it's not so important but you don't get to tell them to go out and buy something else if you don't like it. To do it this way, you have to be sure that you're good with there being slight color differences, and that one bridesmaid might love something strapless and another may be in a turtleneck.

misssunshine17 · November 2013

itzMS said:

To me, the OP's requests are a little too specific. For example my DH already owns a lovely grey suit, but we wouldn't know if it's what the OP defines as "charcoal". Admittedly, we'd be a bit miffed if they asked him to buy another grey suit because his isn't "charcoal-y" enough without asking our budget. Is there really any place to buy a long, chiffon, deep red dress besides a bridal shop? (unless you luck out on Ebay or maybe Macys/Nordstrom). As we learned from helping Ms. Mint Green yesterday, colors really vary by designer and individual interpretation. OP, unless you 100% don't care what shade of red or grey your BP shows up in, get their budgets and specify a designer.

This exactly. I would also nix the chiffon. It will open up the range of dresses a lot.

MandyMost · November 2013

I was a bridesmaid in a wedding, where the bridal party was scattered all over the country. The bride picked a dress line from a major bridesmaid dress designer in a certain color (it was navy blue), and asked us all to get any style dress from that line. That way, we were all able to go to any local bridal shop and try them on to see what we liked. We got a discount from ordering them all from the same shop the bride bought her dress at--we just had to send in our measurements and the style number. The bride shipped us our dresses when they came in, and we could get them altered locally.

Since you have a VERY specific dress requirement (dark red chiffon), this might be the best way to go. Otherwise, I'd suggest loosening your requirements if you don't want to pick a specific dress line. Even saying "any long dress in any shade of red" is going to be fairly difficult to find, outside of a bridal shop. It's different if you were asking for a cocktail-length dress, for example.

fungrl97 · November 2013

Thanks for the responses everyone - this has helped me to see what expectations some people in the bridal party might have.

To clarify a few things:

There is only one adult male in the wedding party other than the groom, the groom will have 4 groomswomen too and they will be wearing the same things as the bridesmaids. It really doesn't matter what the groomsman wears because either he'll match my FI (morning suit) or not (gray suit). I say charcoal because I don't want a super light gray, but if he has a gray suit already, I'm 99% certain it will work out.

Going shopping with the women is not an option, there are 6 total between bridesmaids and groomswomen and they are all in different states. I didn't ask their budget, but I figured I'd try to scout out the cheapest possible without going to target or knock offs. If the girls shop at David's Bridal, which I'll suggest and check out the sales rack, they can find dresses that fit the specifications for anywhere from $70 to $150. Now granted, I realize that is an INSANE amount of money to pay for a dress you're just going to wear one day (which is why I feel so guilty), but it's not hugely more expensive than a dress off the rack at Macy's. If the bridesmaids can't afford that, I'd just buy their dress for them, but I'd rather not pay for dresses for 6 girls if I don't have to.

Of course, they can wear shoes and jewelry that they already own, I'm providing ties for the guy, wraps for the girls and paying for hair and make-up the morning of.

SP29 · November 2013

If you go with somewhere like David's, DB has a few dress selections in chiffon. In which case, I would pick a shade that you like from DB and tell all the girls "Ruby red (or whatever shade it is) chiffon dress from David's". Then each can pick the dress style they like at their budget point and you'll have a big enough selection that is available across the country.

PhoneCardLady · November 2013

When I "discussing" with someone about wedding colors, I stated that whoever I decided on for my bridal party, I stated that I would not have them go to a bridal shop, but to have something in blue - a dress or a dress suit. I wanted them to have something that they could use again. I never said it had to be formal.

I was totally shocked when my girlfriend said that she was unemployed and didn't wear dresses! On top of that, she said that if I asked a mutual friend to be a MOH, she would be totally pissed.

I have not even asked this person to be in my bridal party, let alone the mutual friend. She is married and if she got something nice at the Salvation Army, that would be fine with me. I never said where she had to go to get the outfit, just color and style.

FYI - I was unemployed at the time that she got married & she never asked me about what I could afford. I also helped out with the bridal shower and bachelorette party.

I have kept my mouth shut since then....

How to bring up clothing with wedding party?

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