Culture Clash

TeriBeri06 · November 2013

Hey guys,

I'm having some trouble with my soon to be inlaws. We don't really communicate very well, they are kind of abrasive and not very welcoming. Wedding talk is met with critiscism and judgement, and I wondering if this is just a culture thing. They are Guyanese and I am not. I know for a fact that that bothers them, but any one have any suggestions on how maybe we can get past this, if it is what I think it is.

marsm4 · November 2013

Sorry you are experiencing this. The only thing I can offer is that the "Inter-racial Marriages" board might be able to offer more insight for you.

[Deleted User] · November 2013

Hi bridey! hugs. this can't be easy to be going through. If I were in your position I would tell my FI my feelings and encourage (read: beat his ass over the head with a cast iron skillet) him to make something very plain for his family. You're the woman he has chosen to spend his life with, they can get on board with that... or...not, that's gonna be their choice. People who are born and raised in the same neighborhood can be culturally different, that is not enough of an excuse/justification for you to walk around miserable. If you're still giving out votes, I say he should be the one to talk to them, if you do it, you'll be that bish from [________] who jumped bad because *she's not like us*. It clearly doesn't bother their son.

[Deleted User] · November 2013

Hi bridey! hugs. this can't be easy to be going through. If I were in your position I would tell my FI my feelings and encourage (read: beat his ass over the head with a cast iron skillet) him to make something very plain for his family. You're the woman he has chosen to spend his life with, they can get on board with that... or...not, that's gonna be their choice. People who are born and raised in the same neighborhood can be culturally different, that is not enough of an excuse/justification for you to walk around miserable. If you're still giving out votes, I say he should be the one to talk to them, if you do it, you'll be that bish from [________] who jumped bad because *she's not like us*. It clearly doesn't bother their son.

TeriBeri06 · November 2013

When I met my FI, I never imagined that we'd run into cultural issues, because, well..We're both black. He's very American, if that even means anything, but I wouldn't have known that his parents where from a different country if I hadn't met them . I'm trying to be nice about things but they just come across as rude lol and the crazy thing is his oldest brother married an Italian woman (who I love, she's my favorite member of his family lol) so you think they'd be over it by now,

tirathemrs · November 2013

Id definitely have a lil chit chat with the future hubby and explain how you feel.. I mean it is his family and their issues but he needs to either nip that in the bud or let them know that you are going to be his wife like it or not!!!... HTH sorry you are going through this who wants to be aggravated but rude inlaws...

marsm4 · November 2013

I don't know about your FI parents but i've heard that African sometimes cultures don't really consider themselves black like us. Guyanese is an African race right?

TeriBeri06 · November 2013

It's in South American, they share cultural similaties with Caribbeans and South American Indians. (West Indians...)

[Deleted User] · November 2013

Guyanese (nationality) are latino (race). They're South Americans who tend to look black, you're thinking of Ghana.

Teri, before asking him to confront his family, if that's what you're even considering, find out what the actual problem is. I'm asking because you went from: they're rude to they come across rude. It's an important distinction. Not to say your feelings aren't legitimate but your FSIL's bacground would indicate that they don't have an intercultural bias.

My dude is Nigerian and if I weren't also African (South Africa), I would have a straight up screwface about the way in which some things are said and done. Thing is, they're not specific to me or our relationship, it's simply how they get down (Africans generally, Nigerians specifically and more specifically, this family). There is no preamble, damn near zero diplomacy and n'air one drop of tact and if I hadn't grown up in a very similar household, I'd not only not get it, hell yes I'd be offended by their tone.

We might need more words here: Is it possible that their way is too direct to be polite but may not be about you necessarily? What is FIs reaction when you're being slighted? Need an example. You say [____________] about the wedding to your FMIL and she says [________________]?

[Deleted User] · November 2013

sorry, TK keeps double posting me.

TeriBeri06 · November 2013

I guess the problem is that I really don't know how to take some of the things they say...you get engaged and you expect a "congratulations" or a "let me see the ring. I got a "don't have kids to soon, you guys could get divorced." Or...when he shared our budget with his parents, they said "well american women just want to be able to brag about how much they spend on a wedding." They are just really judge-y. And maybe the tone in which they speak is just how they speak. Idk

[Deleted User] · November 2013

sigh.

please see: n'air one drop of tact.

you didn't say how he reacts to all of this. if it's normal for him, let him handle it, you're easier to deal with than they are. the examples you cited are kinda shitty and I can definitely hear the rude, but what I want you hear is: none of em are specific to you. they're generalizing about the state of marriage, not yours necessarily, any marriage. then about American women, now this does not help, I have no idea how, being American, you're not supposed to take it personally, but they're still not talking about YOU, per se. Fully admit that it gets dicey right there. Tell him that this makes you feel instantly defensive and because he's kinda the bridge between ya'll culturally he may be the only one who can smooth this out without it getting VH-1-ish. They may have been in this country for his whole life but they are not about to change the way they talk, to you or anyone else, with a lot of patience and communication with him though, you can change how you react to it. Sorry, I know that wasn't very helpful and they sound like they can suck if you're not in the mood. All the twirly giddyness and confetti you want? get it from your family, and talk to him girl.

TeriBeri06 · November 2013

He doesn't react...its like he doesn't see how it could be offensive or he checks out I don't know. lol But What you said is helpful, because I was definitely in my feelings about it. My future sister inlaw (the Italian one) said they treated her the same way. So maybe this is just how they are.

marsm4 · November 2013

Ok, thanks for the clarification.

[Deleted User] · November 2013

TeriBeri06 said:

He doesn't react...its like he doesn't see how it could be offensive or he checks out I don't know. lol But What you said is helpful, because I was definitely in my feelings about it. My future sister inlaw (the Italian one) said they treated her the same way. So maybe this is just how they are.

Fight he cant win lovie. Men and their bullshit. LOL!! sorry, that wasn't for you i'm thinking out loud about all the different ways in which we have to play psychologist to have a friggin conversation. Okay so he isn't a confrontationalist (and p.s. when I say that word I don't mean a dude who likes to argue, but the type to call a thing a thing) that means you have to do the heavy lifting. He does see this, but he's gotta go into the protective man cave bubble wrap in order not to have an argument with you (or them).

Honey whenever your folks and I are talking, I see you pretending to be fascinated by your fingernails. I'm not mad at that, but I need you to stop it because I also need your support. You know them better than I do, so some of this may be tone, some may be phrasing, some may be culture, hell they might just be fucked up, but whatever it is, it makes me feel devalued and not good enough (in their eyes) and like they're taking digs at me and it's not okay for you to stay silent while that's going on. I'm uncomfortable and if we don't fix this and right now, it's going to worse. Are you willing to help me with it? <---- That WHOLE time, your voice should be on Claire Huxtable, I mean girl, don't raise up ONCE or he's back in the cave.

^ up there, is just a guide, IJS, use whatcha know and get watcha want.

[Deleted User] · November 2013

*deleted*

TK I've only got one good nerve left.

LeciaB · November 2013

sultryzulu said:

Hi bridey! hugs. this can't be easy to be going through. If I were in your position I would tell my FI my feelings and encourage (read: beat his ass over the head with a cast iron skillet) him to make something very plain for his family. You're the woman he has chosen to spend his life with, they can get on board with that... or...not, that's gonna be their choice. People who are born and raised in the same neighborhood can be culturally different, that is not enough of an excuse/justification for you to walk around miserable. If you're still giving out votes, I say he should be the one to talk to them, if you do it, you'll be that bish from [________] who jumped bad because *she's not like us*. It clearly doesn't bother their son.

this girl is a nut..lol

I learned something new i thought Guyanese was west indian.. but I do know that speaking from experience.. some west indian cultures are hung up if they dont find some one that is of the same..

sn.. @sultryzulu.. OMG you are African that is awesome that means you are going to have one of those super amazing weddings like on fotos by fola..

but love im sorry you are going through this.. and maybe its just how they are.. and maybe they just have issues with letting their sons go

TeriBeri06 · November 2013

Lol they have three...there's another single one who lives at home. They should cling to him lol

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