So C and I talked. Annnnnnd we are not together anymore. Annnnnnd it sucks.
So last Saturday I had my freak-out and attempted to end things right there, but I was not ready for that conversation even though all of my feelings were like, "I can't do it anymore." So I didn't end up making any sense and was a tearful mess, plus obviously he was surprised and hurt, so we agreed to talk later on about why I felt this way.
He wrote me a long email on Sunday that was basically like, "I'm probably crazy, but I don't care. I'm still here and I will do just about anything to work through this with you. We have too much going for us to just give up like this." It was very nice to hear, but at the same time, we have had the same issues for so long and they have not gotten any better. I knew I couldn't continue in that vein any longer.
Because I fear conflict like nothing else, and because I get so emotional when faced with situations like this, I decided to just write him a letter with all of my reasons and give it to him to read when we got together to talk. So that's what I did. He read it, and even though it's not what he wanted to hear, he accepted it for what it was. FWIW, he agreed that the things I had pointed out were all correct and that he wanted to commit to working on them - even on his own, if necessary. It's difficult, because it felt so good to hear him say that he understood where I was coming from and was going to change these things, but at the same time, I can never really know if he's doing it for the right reasons, or if it will actually stick. As my mom pointed out to me, "Amapola, that boy would probably have himself castrated if he thought it would get you back." So, there's that.
Anyway, we agreed to take plenty of time apart. I'm not sure how long that will be, but probably at least some number of months before we communicate again. We both agreed that after enough time has passed, we do want to try to get our friendship back. (That's the thing about getting into a relationship with someone who has been your best friend: it makes it so freaking hard to say good-bye to all the good things you share, even when it's marred by a few significantly bad things.) I didn't want to get his hopes up, but damn it, my hopes are up. I know this is coming from less than 24 hours post-break-up, but I just desperately want to believe that, if we both do the work we need to on ourselves, maybe someday we could have a better relationship and do all the things we talked about in life. I tried really hard not to go there in our conversation because it's way too soon to even think about that, but in my mind that's the only thing that makes this whole thing even somewhat bearable.
So, that's that. Like I said, he has work to do, and I know I certainly do. While I have mentioned to C every single one of the things that were not working for me in our relationship, I have a tendency to back down at the first sign of conflict - like even the sense that he doesn't understand where I'm coming from. It's especially hard because C is the kind of person who will insist that he's right and then only later will consider other ideas and decide that he could stand to learn from them. As someone who was raised by a verbally abusive father and a mother who never really stood up for herself, I know I have some extra sensitivity in this area, and it really has prevented me from doing the mature thing throughout this relationship. I would mention when things bothered me, then if he didn't immediately back all the way down, I wouldn't stick up for myself and be like, "No, really. This is a relationship-threatening thing right here, and we need to talk about it now." I just let things go for the sake of us getting along, and obviously that hasn't helped either of us in the end. So I need to grow a backbone and learn to deal with disagreements as they come. But I feel like I can't work on that and be in this relationship right now, even though I reeeeeeaaaaaaally want to be.
It sucks. Barring a few big things, he has been a wonderful boyfriend to me and I do love him very, very much. But not feeling free to speak up when I needed to was killing me.
I'm just really sad right now, and yet I have all this hope that I'm afraid is going to drive me to do something stupid like call him and be all, "I'm sorry. I was wrong. I'll never do this again. Let's just please forget this ever happened." So ladies, please keep me in check. We need to be apart right now, and when we do reconnect someday I need to be very, very careful about seeing what progress he's made and deciding whether that's enough for the rest of my lifetime. *Sigh*
OK, done rambling, lol. Time to start distracting myself.