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Grabows14 · November 2013

You don't need a matron of honor. If her husband is dying that's where she needs to be. You shouldn't replace her role because it isn't convenient for you. All you need is someone to witness the wedding

Viczaesar · November 2013

WTF? Quit lining up back ups. This isn't a play you're casting!

Lauderdale Pink · November 2013

I think all of this just shows that "life happens" and we all do the best we can. @wilson24019-hang in there, you are getting married and will be surrounded by many others who love you and wish you the best, the same as you are wishing the best for these three special women in your life.

doeydo · November 2013

You sound like a terrible friend. You hear that your MOH's husband is having such bad health issues and might even die, and you just say "Well, who can I get to fill in as a MOH for my wedding". You don't need a matron or maid of honour. It is not a spot in a play you need to fill in, it is an honour to give your nearest and dearest. Also, how do you think these runner-ups feel? Let me guess, like runner-up, second-rate friends. And the friend who you said has been helping you with things, is she volunteering to or are you asking her to?

Blue_Bird · November 2013

wilson24019 said:

You can't make this stuff up.

Well, you got that right. Although I wish you had. I'm just shocked at how insensitive and selfish you sound.

mysticl · November 2013

Grabows14 said:

You don't need a matron of honor. If her husband is dying that's where she needs to be. You shouldn't replace her role because it isn't convenient for you. All you need is someone to witness the wedding

In some states you don't even need that. All we needed was an officiant.

wilson24019 · November 2013

mysticl said:

Grabows14 said:

You don't need a matron of honor. If her husband is dying that's where she needs to be. You shouldn't replace her role because it isn't convenient for you. All you need is someone to witness the wedding

In some states you don't even need that. All we needed was an officiant.

HisGirlFriday13 · November 2013

As I have said on the forums earlier this week, weddings bring out the worst in people's behaviour, and you're a great example of a crappy bride friend.

PPs were right: Stop treating your friends like actors you're casting in a play.

wilson24019 · November 2013

I know I don't need an attendant at all. It is not required by law. But I would like to have one of my friends stand up with me when I get married. I had three friends that I could ask to be my attendant, but could only choose one of them because my fiancé only has a best man (his father).

I guess what I was thinking, and obviously did not come across, is that life is unpredictable and you have to roll with the flow. Some brides get totally bridezilla over the color of a dress, what shoes to wear, or which cake flavor.

When you are 50 years old, life is different. You don't have the time to get caught up in all that. You realize, as Lauderdale Pink said, life happens. You have to just roll with it, and try to laugh about it..

And as far as me being a terrible friend, In addition to doing my own job, I am driving to another city to do my friend's job, so that she is not behind when she gets back to work. She offered to give me a shower and I thanked her and said I'd rather just get together with her for a girl's day out because I did not want her to have to go to all that trouble. (This was before her husband's most recent hospitalization of course.)

I know I am not casting a play. I'm also not having rehearsal, dancing, a dj, live entertainment, or speeches. Just a 5 minute ceremony and lunch for all my guests. I'm just having trouble finding someone who can be an attendant because life is so crazy.

wilson24019 · November 2013

What is wrong with asking your wedding director to be a bride's maid instead?

What is wrong with asking one of your singers to be a bride's maid instead?

Viczaesar · November 2013

wilson24019 said:

I know I don't need an attendant at all. It is not required by law. But I would like to have one of my friends stand up with me when I get married.   I had three friends that I could ask to be my attendant, but could only choose one of them because my fiancé only has a best man (his father).
I guess what I was thinking, and obviously did not come across, is that life is unpredictable and you have to roll with the flow.   Some brides get totally bridezilla over the color of a dress, what shoes to wear, or which cake flavor.
When you are 50 years old, life is different. You don't have the time to get caught up in all that. You realize, as Lauderdale Pink said, life happens. You have to just roll with it, and try to laugh about it..
And as far as me being a terrible friend, In addition to doing my own job, I am driving to another city to do my friend's job, so that she is not behind when she gets back to work. She offered to give me a shower and I thanked her and said I'd rather just get together with her for a girl's day out because I did not want her to have to go to all that trouble. (This was before her husband's most recent hospitalization of course.)
I know I am not casting a play. I'm also not having rehearsal, dancing, a dj, live entertainment, or speeches.  Just a 5 minute ceremony and lunch for all my guests.   I'm just having trouble finding someone who can be an attendant because life is so crazy.

There was your first mistake. You did not need to have even sides. If you wanted all three of those women to stand next to you when you got married you should have asked all three. Asking now, last minute, after other people have had to back out, makes them replacement props, not honored friends.

Viczaesar · November 2013

Also, changing the name of your thread and deleting your original post is both rude and futile. The name change will attract more people, not less. On the other hand, shame on all of us (including me) for not quoting your original post. We should have known you'd be a dirty deleter.

doeydo · November 2013

wilson24019 said:

I know I don't need an attendant at all. It is not required by law. But I would like to have one of my friends stand up with me when I get married.   I had three friends that I could ask to be my attendant, but could only choose one of them because my fiancé only has a best man (his father). Actually, you could have had all of them as bridesmaids. Even sides don't matter one bit.
I guess what I was thinking, and obviously did not come across, is that life is unpredictable and you have to roll with the flow.   Some brides get totally bridezilla over the color of a dress, what shoes to wear, or which cake flavor.
When you are 50 years old, life is different. You don't have the time to get caught up in all that. You realize, as Lauderdale Pink said, life happens. You have to just roll with it, and try to laugh about it..
And as far as me being a terrible friend, In addition to doing my own job, I am driving to another city to do my friend's job, so that she is not behind when she gets back to work. She offered to give me a shower and I thanked her and said I'd rather just get together with her for a girl's day out because I did not want her to have to go to all that trouble. (This was before her husband's most recent hospitalization of course.)
I know I am not casting a play. I'm also not having rehearsal, dancing, a dj, live entertainment, or speeches.  Just a 5 minute ceremony and lunch for all my guests.   I'm just having trouble finding someone who can be an attendant because life is so crazy.

doeydo · November 2013

wilson24019 said:

What is wrong with asking your wedding director to be a bride's maid instead?
What is wrong with asking one of your singers to be a bride's maid instead?

Asking vendors that you don't even know to be bridesmaids?

wilson24019 · November 2013

Vedors? Those aren't vendors...those are my friends.

G is my best friend from work, even though she lives about 90 miles away. She was supposed to be my bridesmaid, but as I mentioned earlier, her husband has been in and out of the hospital for about the last two years. I cannot imagine getting married without her by my side, but he is back in the hospital so she is on leave from work and I'm covering her territory to keep the boss off her back. He is in the hospital 120 miles away so I can't go sit with her. All I can do is call. I ask her how he is doing, and she asks me about wedding plans. I think it gives her something more pleasant to think about.

I'd say the odds of her actually being able to come to the wedding are, about 1in 100. Even if he is home, or in a rehab facility, I don't know if she will be able to make it. Every time we think he is stable, he has another crisis and almost dies (pneumonia, stroke), Last month it was a massive infection that put him in intensive care. This week it was a medication interaction that put him in a coma and triggered seizures. He's doing much better now since they changed his medication. I really though we were going to lose him this time.

I asked M, my best friend from choir , to "direct the wedding".... you know, be my eyes and ears on what was going on since I'd be getting dressed.... Greeting people and making sure they were finding their seats ok and let ting me know if there is a problem. We don't have ushers and there is only about 30 guests. M moved to another state this summer so she has not been able to be an active part of all this, except for looking at dresses one day when she was in town. I told her the issue with my friend G and asked her to wear a blue dress in case G did not show and I needed her to grab the bouquet and head down the aisle.

However, when we actually set the date two weeks ago (the wedding is two weeks from today), she realized that it is the same week that her grandbaby is due. She may or may not be able to come, depending on when the baby actually arrives. She had been hoping that we would wait another month which would give the baby a chance to get here. However, my fiancé lost his job this summer and needs insurance so he can go to the doctor and dentist so waiting is not really a good option.

My third friend, R is also in my choir. She is really my right hand person since my other two friends live so far away. She's the one who is keeping me sane. R and I have never been that close, but it seems that we are getting closer through the process of putting on this wedding. We were addressing invitations one afternoon and discussing all the bridesmaid issues. I looked at her with a mischievious grin and asked, do you happen to have a blue dress? She laughed and said, yes I'll be the bridesmaid if M cant be here.

I really did not want to have multiple brides maids. I did not want to have to deal with getting brides maids dresses and trying to coordinate what people are wearing, all that kind of thing. Just G as a bridesmaid, wearing something she did not have to go out and buy, and comfortable shoes because she has bad feet. M running the show and telling people what to do, and R singing.

You mentioned vendors. Actually, when it comes to vendors, I'm not really using many. A lady is baking the cake. I have to go pick it up, and set it up at the reception site. The whole thing is taking place in a restaurant, so they are doing the food. The minister is officiating. That is it for vendors. I did my own flowers, bouquets, corsages, centerpieces while another friend, who loves photography is doing my pictures....she's never done a wedding before and is really excited to get the chance. I did not have a wedding planner. With a $2,000 budget, there is no money for that. My fiancé only likes classical music so no band or dj. We are using recorded music except for the choir who is doing the recessional. They are really excited. There is only 13 of us. I made the invitations from a kit with R's help, and my fiancé and I are creating the aisle runner. I could not get floral petals here in time, so I got a heart hole punch and some pink and red copy paper and made my own.

I'll go over to the restaurant the morning of the wedding and do the decorating and set up the cake before I go get my hair done and get dressed. Wedding is at noon.

I deleted the original posting because it did not communicate what I was trying to say. Even small, simple weddings can get complicated. When the topic of the bridesmaid comes up, all we can do is laugh because the situation is so crazy. The way I wrote it made me sound like someone I'm not. I don't post very much on here, just an occasional question or a suggestion for someone looking for ideas. Guess I'm not very good at it.

artbyallie · November 2013

If M is your coordinator, you should be paying her. If your bridesmaid is unable to be there, you should not replace her. That is all anyone was trying to say.

wilson24019 · November 2013

Oh don't worry about that. She is setting up a new house. I'll give her a big fat gift card from Bed Bath and Beyond. She'll have a ball with that.

melbelleup · November 2013

wilson24019 said:

Vedors? Those aren't vendors...those are my friends.
G is my best friend from work, even though she lives about 90 miles away. She was supposed to be my bridesmaid, but as I mentioned earlier, her husband has been in and out of the hospital for about the last two years. I cannot imagine getting married without her by my side, but he is back in the hospital so she is on leave from work and I'm covering her territory to keep the boss off her back.  He is in the hospital 120 miles away so I can't go sit with her. All I can do is call. I ask her how he is doing, and she asks me about wedding plans. I think it gives her something more pleasant to think about.
I'd say the odds of her actually being able to come to the wedding are, about 1in 100. Even if he is home, or in a rehab facility, I don't know if she will be able to make it. Every time we think he is stable, he has another crisis and almost dies (pneumonia, stroke), Last month it was a massive infection that put him in intensive care.   This week it was a medication interaction that put him in a coma and triggered seizures. He's doing much better now since they changed his medication. I really though we were going to lose him this time.
I asked M, my best friend from choir , to "direct the wedding".... you know, be my eyes and ears on what was going on since I'd be getting dressed.... Greeting people and making sure they were finding their seats ok and let ting me know if there is a problem. We don't have ushers and there is only about 30 guests.  M moved to another state this summer so she has not been able to be an active part of all this, except for looking at dresses one day when she was in town. I told her the issue with my friend G and asked her to wear a blue dress in case G did not show and I needed her to grab the bouquet and head down the aisle.
However, when we actually set the date two weeks ago (the wedding is two weeks from today), she realized that it is the same week that her grandbaby is due. She may or may not be able to come, depending on when the baby actually arrives. She had been hoping that we would wait another month which would give the baby a chance to get here. However, my fiancé lost his job this summer and needs insurance so he can go to the doctor and dentist so waiting is not really a good option.
My third friend, R is also in my choir. She is really my right hand person since my other two friends live so far away. She's the one who is keeping me sane. R and I have never been that close, but it seems that we are getting closer through the process of putting on this wedding. We were addressing invitations one afternoon and discussing all the bridesmaid issues. I looked at her with a mischievious grin and asked, do you happen to have a blue dress? She laughed and said, yes I'll be the bridesmaid if M cant be here.
I really did not want to have multiple brides maids. I did not want to have to deal with getting brides maids dresses and trying to coordinate what people are wearing, all that kind of thing. Just G as a bridesmaid, wearing something she did not have to go out and buy, and comfortable shoes because she has bad feet. M running the show and telling people what to do, and R singing.
You mentioned vendors. Actually, when it comes to vendors, I'm not really using many. A lady is baking the cake. I have to go pick it up, and set it up at the reception site. The whole thing is taking place in a restaurant, so they are doing the food.   The minister is officiating. That is it for vendors. I did my own flowers, bouquets, corsages, centerpieces while another friend, who loves photography is doing my pictures....she's never done a wedding before and is really excited to get the chance.   I did not have a wedding planner. With a $2,000 budget, there is no money for that.   My fiancé only likes classical music so no band or dj. We are using recorded music except for the choir who is doing the recessional. They are really excited. There is only 13 of us. I made the invitations from a kit with R's help, and my fiancé and I are creating the aisle runner.   I could not get floral petals here in time, so I got a heart hole punch and some pink and red copy paper and made my own.
I'll go over to the restaurant the morning of the wedding and do the decorating and set up the cake before I go get my hair done and get dressed.  Wedding is at noon.
I deleted the original posting because it did not communicate what I was trying to say.   Even small, simple weddings can get complicated. When the topic of the bridesmaid comes up, all we can do is laugh because the situation is so crazy. The way I wrote it made me sound like someone I'm not.   I don't post very much on here, just an occasional question or a suggestion for someone looking for ideas. Guess I'm not very good at it.

wilson24019 · November 2013

How all this craziness is turning out:

G will not be able to attend. Her husband is doing much better and is scheduled to come home this Thursday (two days before the wedding)unless he has another setback. Obviously she will not be able to attend the wedding because she will have her hand full taking care of her husband. We are taping the wedding so she can watch it the next time I am in town.

M will not be attending the wedding either. The wedding date is on her husband's 70th birthday and they will be doing their own celebrating. Also, she cannot make the 6 hour trip to the wedding because she will be taking time off from work to spend with her son when the baby is born. Things are fine between us, though she is a bit miffed that I scheduled the wedding in November when she is so busy instead of waiting until December when it would fit her calendar better. What can I say, that's M.

R is my attendant and has been my right hand throughout all of this. She is amazing and I don't know how I could do this wedding without all her help.

MrsMuq · November 2013

wilson24019 said:

I know I don't need an attendant at all. It is not required by law. But I would like to have one of my friends stand up with me when I get married.   I had three friends that I could ask to be my attendant, but could only choose one of them because my fiancé only has a best man (his father).
I guess what I was thinking, and obviously did not come across, is that life is unpredictable and you have to roll with the flow.   Some brides get totally bridezilla over the color of a dress, what shoes to wear, or which cake flavor.
When you are 50 years old, life is different. You don't have the time to get caught up in all that. You realize, as Lauderdale Pink said, life happens. You have to just roll with it, and try to laugh about it..
And as far as me being a terrible friend, In addition to doing my own job, I am driving to another city to do my friend's job, so that she is not behind when she gets back to work. She offered to give me a shower and I thanked her and said I'd rather just get together with her for a girl's day out because I did not want her to have to go to all that trouble. (This was before her husband's most recent hospitalization of course.)
I know I am not casting a play. I'm also not having rehearsal, dancing, a dj, live entertainment, or speeches.  Just a 5 minute ceremony and lunch for all my guests.   I'm just having trouble finding someone who can be an attendant because life is so crazy.

So many things wrong with both you and your post!

a) you don't replace friends if they have a family emergency (I'd think a dying spouse counts). Honestly, you should be jumping through hoops to help your friend, not trying to find a replacement.
b) So your FI has one groomsman - what's your point? You could have had 15 BMs for all anyone would care. So, you're shit out of luck because you'd rather have your wedding party look matchy-matchy instead of actually honoring people you care about.
c) You sound like a horrible friend.

wilson24019 · November 2013

This site is not about my friendships. It is about the trials and tribulations of trying to put on a wedding and that is what I posted about. I vented my frustrations. Nothing more, nothing less. You do not know me or my friends. You do not know what we have been through or are going through. Why, because I have not shared that. You know nothing of the love we share because that is not what this site is about. You are strangers and I do not share that with strangers. Don't pass judgment on things you know nothing about.

I asked my friends, you know, the people who actually know me and matter in my life, about replacing a bridesmaid and they all think it was the right move. Not replacing seemed ridiculous. In fact, they said my biggest problem was wasting my time on this silly website.

What does it say to my other friends that I would rather have no attendant than to have them next to me? I'd rather do without than have you? No. There is plenty of love to go around and I will share it with as many people as the room will hold - which is about 30.

Maggie0829 · November 2013

wilson24019 said:

This site is not about my friendships. It is about the trials and tribulations of trying to put on a wedding and that is what I posted about. I vented my frustrations. Nothing more, nothing less. You do not know me or my friends. You do not know what we have been through or are going through. Why, because I have not shared that. You know nothing of the love we share because that is not what this site is about. You are strangers and I do not share that with strangers. Don't pass judgment on things you know nothing about.
I asked my friends, you know, the people who actually know me and matter in my life, about replacing a bridesmaid and they all think it was the right move. Not replacing seemed ridiculous. In fact, they said my biggest problem was wasting my time on this silly website.
What does it say to my other friends that I would rather have no attendant than to have them next to me? I'd rather do without than have you? No. There is plenty of love to go around and I will share it with as many people as the room will hold - which is about 30.

If you don't want opinions or judgement about your life then I suggest not posting on forums. Whatever you post is open for response so if you don't want certain responses then you shouldn't post.

zitiqueen · November 2013

wilson24019 said:

How all this craziness is turning out:
G will not be able to attend. Her husband is doing much better and is scheduled to come home this Thursday (two days before the wedding)unless he has another setback. Obviously she will not be able to attend the wedding because she will have her hand full taking care of her husband. We are taping the wedding so she can watch it the next time I am in town.
M will not be attending the wedding either. The wedding date is on her husband's 70th birthday and they will be doing their own celebrating. Also, she cannot make the 6 hour trip to the wedding because she will be taking time off from work to spend with her son when the baby is born. Things are fine between us, though she is a bit miffed that I scheduled the wedding in November when she is so busy instead of waiting until December when it would fit her calendar better. What can I say, that's M.
R is my attendant and has been my right hand throughout all of this. She is amazing and I don't know how I could do this wedding without all her help.

southernbelle0915 · November 2013

wilson24019 said:

This site is not about my friendships. It is about the trials and tribulations of trying to put on a wedding and that is what I posted about. I vented my frustrations. Nothing more, nothing less. You do not know me or my friends. You do not know what we have been through or are going through. Why, because I have not shared that. You know nothing of the love we share because that is not what this site is about. You are strangers and I do not share that with strangers. Don't pass judgment on things you know nothing about.
I asked my friends, you know, the people who actually know me and matter in my life, about replacing a bridesmaid and they all think it was the right move. Not replacing seemed ridiculous. In fact, they said my biggest problem was wasting my time on this silly website.
What does it say to my other friends that I would rather have no attendant than to have them next to me? It says "you're not a second rate friend and I don't think that my MOH is replaceable." I'd rather do without than have you? No. There is plenty of love to go around and I will share it with as many people as the room will hold - which is about 30.

This forum is about whatever you post on it. You post on, anyone can comment on it with whatever they glean from your post. That's the Interwebz, my friend.

z

Re: z

You can't make this stuff up.

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