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Second Weddings
radleyboo
member
NWR-Money woes, borrowed clothing, irresponsible exH...
Hi girls-
It's been some time since I've been on the boards, but this situation came up and I thought I'd run it by the second-time crowd. H and I were married this June, second wedding for both of us. It was a great day. For the wedding we bought our 3 boys new suits, ties and shoes, and we got my daughter a beautiful flower girl dress that she adored. My exH is getting remarried on October 26th. I got a text from his FI today asking me if my 2 boys could wear their suits in their wedding. I paused, but then said yes, just asked if they could please have them dry-cleaned before they are returned, which she agreed to. H thinks I should have said no, but I'm sincerely trying to be nice. Really.
So, here's what's making me a little uncomfortable. My exH and his Fi rarely spend much money on the kids, H and I pay for nearly everything, including providing health insurance, medication for my son's ADHD, activities, lunch accounts at school, clothing, backpacks, shoes, haircuts, you name it. When exH and his Fi do shop for the children, it's at Goodwill, etc. (not that there's a problem with that). It's a huge financial disparity, but I usually overlook it because H and I make more money and these are my children, so I have no issues providing them with what they need.
We just found out that ExH and his Fi are taking all 5 of their children to Disney World in November, flying from Michigan and renting a house for a week. Then he and his Fi are taking a separate honeymoon someplace, don't know where, didn't ask.
Here's the kicker: my exH owes the IRS thousands of dollars in back taxes from 2009. That was the last year that he and I filed 'married filing jointly' so I am still on the hook for this debt, and have already paid thousands of dollars of it to keep the IRS from levying accounts and garnishment. He claims he pays them on a payment plan every month, but I know this is not true as I get statements from the IRS and he pays them occasionally, but not regularly by any stretch. This debt is from his business that he ran during that time, I was a stay at home mom that year, and I honestly don't even remember reviewing the return. Long story short, his best buddy is his CPA, they play fast and loose with the tax laws, and now I'm on the hook for this because we were married at the time. The IRS doesn't care that I wasn't working, my SSN is on that return, and you can't get blood from a turnip, know what I mean? Even today, I know that he works with his buddy so that his returns show him only making about $30,000 per year, flirting with the poverty level, when in fact he makes much more than that. Ugh.
Anyhow, it makes my EXTREMELY uncomfortable to see him spending thousands of dollars on vacations while WE still have this old debt from years ago. They scrimp and shop at Goodwill, we provide health care and about 90% of the things the children need, then they ask me to use the suits H and I bought for OUR wedding for use in THEIR wedding, it just makes me feel weird and taken advantage of. Again.
Sorry so long... I guess this is more a question about how to handle the bigger picture rather than the clothing-borrowing situation. I don't mind if they borrow the clothes, but he needs to stand up and take care of his responsibilities. This is the last 'thing' that still hangs out there from our marriage, I just want it gone and dealt with so I can finally have a clean slate. Thanks for listening.
Meddied since 6/15/13!
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Re: NWR-Money woes, borrowed clothing, irresponsible exH...
So as far as the suits go, small potatoes, let it go. Buying a second suit for a growing boy in a short period of time would be silly.
The issue with the money is more difficult. What is the legal agreement regarding the debt? Was it part of the divorce decree? If so, I would seek the advice of your attorney. How much he makes may be obvious to people who know him, but to the onlooker (and the IRS) what he claims is what he makes. It would likely be an expensive proposition to prove that he has the money.
I am sure he'll come up with an explanation about the money for a honeymoon/ familymoon. And I can guarantee if it hits the fan, you'll be the jerk who ruined a trip to Disney for the kids.
My personal approach was to pay what could impact my credit rating. And fully supporting my kids was a source of pride. In hindsight, my kids -as adults- know who made choices with them in mind.
Do what feels right to you. ~Donna
As for the suits, I agree it's silly to make them buy another set of suits when they already have some. I'm irritated that I have to buy one for DS to wear to my own wedding because I know he'll most likely never use it again.
radley- your situation doesn't sound all that different from mine. I paid off a significant debt that was from xH's business adventure (not venture- it never had the chance of actually being lucrative), because he didn't care if it hurt his credit, and I did. Yes, I could have paid a lawyer to go after him, but he wasn't going to man up & pay, so I just would have lost time from work (that I would rather have to enjoy with DH and the kids) and more money.
One thing I did was set up an automatic deposit to the bank the loan was at, and an automatic transfer to pay the bill. If I would have had to write a check each month it would have ticked me off every month. I decided that I was not going to let the xH impact my day to day life if I could help it, so I just refused to stew over it.
A few years later, xH was starting some crazy crap with me, and the bank officer wrote a really nice letter of reference for me in regards to my level of responsibility in paying the loan, and xH's total lack of payment. The karma bus comes around eventually.