Why The Drama?

LDay2014 · November 2013

I don't understand why wedding evoke more drama than an episode of Keeping Up With the Kardashians...Can someone please tell me if I'm totally off my rocker in feeling like this should be a time to celebrate? Not cut eachother down?

Jason and I have chosen to get married in a small ceremony in our backyard with a small group of people who have been incredibly supportive to both of us during the rollercoaster of life circumstances we have each been through over the past few years - approximately 25 people. After the ceremony, we will be taking everyone out to a fancy restaurant for dinner and cake. We are looking to spend about $5K all together, and we are funding it by ourselves. We just don't want a big traditional wedding.

His mother is 'blaming' me for it not being a big wedding, despite the fact that it is what BOTH he and I want. And as I want to include both her and his sister in the wedding planning, their constant nagging about it not being what they want is starting to drive a wedge between Jason and his family. At inner a few weeks ago, his mom looked at me and said 'You're not wearing white are you?' SERIOUSLY!?!?! I simply replied with I hadn't picked my dress yet but would wear what I felt comfortable in. When I did find my dress, she and his sister were mad that I didn't take them with me. I didn't even have my OWN mom there with me...It's constant things like this - telling us who we should invite (people I've never heard of, I had to ask Jason who 'Cousin Jennifer' was), snide remarks about the few details I have discussed with them, and then when I'm not around the two of them badger Jason about whether or not he truly wants to marry me! I want them included, but it's becoming increasingly difficult to justify it when we are constantly belittled for our choices.

We are fairly certain that his sister will not get married (at least not any time soon) and my guess is that since this is likely to be the only wedding, his mom wants the wedding SHE wants to have. I want to have his family involved - family is so important but I feel like its at the point where all I will be able to do is stop talking about it, send them an invitation, and then wear earplugs to shut out the drama that day.

Does anyone have suggestions on how to handle ornery inlaws?

Jen4948 · November 2013

Don't discuss the specifics of your wedding plans in their presence, and when they start shooting off their mouths about what they think you should or shouldn't do, answer with "We'll take that under advisement" or something similarly vague and change the subject.

Also, given that they are like this, I think you need to give up the idea of "including" them if they cannot accept your and Jason's vision of your wedding and just plan it without them. Look for people who are truly supportive to be there with you and give you the "support" you need. The best you can expect is for them to appear on time, dressed appropriately, sober, and refraining from causing inappropriate scenes or otherwise overtly expressing their disappointment with your plans. It's up to Jason to let them know that if they won't do that, they can expect to be escorted out. And have security available to escort them out if they need it.

radleyboo · November 2013

This all goes back to the rule of, 'If they don't pay, they don't get a say.' I understand that you 'want' to have your in-laws involved, and that family is important to you, but it sounds like they are causing you and your FI nothing but grief at this point. My advice is to not discuss wedding details with them. Period. If they bring it up, bean dip them. Over and over again if necessary.

Additionally, your FI needs to have a private conversation with them stating that their words and actions are making you both uncomfortable, and that they need to stop asking him about his conviction in regards to marrying you. What they are doing and saying is completely rude and out of line, and since they are his family, this is something he needs to address himself.

Best of luck to you, I hope it all works out.

LDay2014 · November 2013

bean dip? What is that?

Yes, that's our next step...he is ready to just cancel the whole thing, but IMO, that means they 'win'. And it's not about winning. I told him we need to at least sit down with them together and attempt to have a rational discussion about what is happening because if we don't even try, we are just as much at fault if it all goes to pot.

Ugh, maybe it would just be better to do a courthouse wedding...I'm sure that would go over well!

southernbelle0915 · November 2013

lauracichelly said:

I don't understand why wedding evoke more drama than an episode of Keeping Up With the Kardashians...Can someone please tell me if I'm totally off my rocker in feeling like this should be a time to celebrate? Not cut eachother down?

Jason and I have chosen to get married in a small ceremony in our backyard with a small group of people who have been incredibly supportive to both of us during the rollercoaster of life circumstances we have each been through over the past few years - approximately 25 people. After the ceremony, we will be taking everyone out to a fancy restaurant for dinner and cake. We are looking to spend about $5K all together, and we are funding it by ourselves. We just don't want a big traditional wedding.

His mother is 'blaming' me for it not being a big wedding, despite the fact that it is what BOTH he and I want. And as I want to include both her and his sister in the wedding planning, their constant nagging about it not being what they want is starting to drive a wedge between Jason and his family. At inner a few weeks ago, his mom looked at me and said 'You're not wearing white are you?' SERIOUSLY!?!?! I simply replied with I hadn't picked my dress yet but would wear what I felt comfortable in. When I did find my dress, she and his sister were mad that I didn't take them with me. I didn't even have my OWN mom there with me...It's constant things like this - telling us who we should invite (people I've never heard of, I had to ask Jason who 'Cousin Jennifer' was), snide remarks about the few details I have discussed with them, and then when I'm not around the two of them badger Jason about whether or not he truly wants to marry me! I want them included, but it's becoming increasingly difficult to justify it when we are constantly belittled for our choices.

We are fairly certain that his sister will not get married (at least not any time soon) and my guess is that since this is likely to be the only wedding, his mom wants the wedding SHE wants to have. I want to have his family involved - family is so important but I feel like its at the point where all I will be able to do is stop talking about it, send them an invitation, and then wear earplugs to shut out the drama that day.

Does anyone have suggestions on how to handle ornery inlaws?

Stop talking wedding with these people. When they bring it up, bean dip them. They're not paying for it so they have no say in what you do. I'm sorry you're dealing with this.

Your FH needs to shut his mom down she she talks junk about you. "Mom - I will not tolerate you talking about my FI like that. Either knock it off or I am leaving/hanging up/etc." Let him deal with the difficult conversations with his mother.

PolarBearFitz · November 2013

radleyboo said:

This all goes back to the rule of, 'If they don't pay, they don't get a say.' I understand that you 'want' to have your in-laws involved, and that family is important to you, but it sounds like they are causing you and your FI nothing but grief at this point. My advice is to not discuss wedding details with them. Period. If they bring it up, bean dip them. Over and over again if necessary.

Additionally, your FI needs to have a private conversation with them stating that their words and actions are making you both uncomfortable, and that they need to stop asking him about his conviction in regards to marrying you. What they are doing and saying is completely rude and out of line, and since they are his family, this is something he needs to address himself.

Best of luck to you, I hope it all works out.

Exactly this. FI needs to handle the issue of them asking whether or not he wants to marry you. He needs to tell them that this is 'our' (yours and his) wedding and you are planning it the way you both envision it. He should tell him it is not up for debate. He should make it clear that they have hurt both of you with their comments when this is a day you should both be excited and happy about.

NYCBruin · November 2013

lauracichelly said:

bean dip? What is that?

Yes, that's our next step...he is ready to just cancel the whole thing, but IMO, that means they 'win'. And it's not about winning. I told him we need to at least sit down with them together and attempt to have a rational discussion about what is happening because if we don't even try, we are just as much at fault if it all goes to pot.

Ugh, maybe it would just be better to do a courthouse wedding...I'm sure that would go over well!

Bean dipping is code for change the topic. Example
FI's mom "you must invite cousin Suzie"

You "That's a thought, I'll talk to FI about it, have you tried the bean dip"

FI's mom "But you HAVE to invite her"

You "Really, this bean dip is fantastic, I must go find the recipe"

I agree with all the PPs, I think you just need to stop talking wedding around them. I know you want to include them, but they don't seem to want to be involved unless they are in total control. If you don't include them in things like dress fittings or meetings with vendors, they won't have the opportunity to make snide comments.

People get weird with weddings. Sorry you're going through this.

Jen4948 · November 2013

lauracichelly said:

bean dip? What is that?

Yes, that's our next step...he is ready to just cancel the whole thing, but IMO, that means they 'win'. And it's not about winning. I told him we need to at least sit down with them together and attempt to have a rational discussion about what is happening because if we don't even try, we are just as much at fault if it all goes to pot.

Ugh, maybe it would just be better to do a courthouse wedding...I'm sure that would go over well!

Bean dipping is a technique for changing the subject when someone brings something up or continues to try to engage you on a subject that is closed. For example:

FMIL: You're not wearing white? Are you serious?
You: Would you like some bean-dip? It's really good.
FMIL: If you don't wear white then you're a slut.
You: Won't you have some bean-dip?

The idea is that if you keep responding to jabs with bean dipping, eventually, the other person will run out of steam. It doesn't always happen, or happen right away, but it's a technique for saying, "Look, I'm not talking to you about this because we are never going to agree, so I'm not going to acknowledge your jabs at me."

LDay2014 · November 2013

bahahah! That's awesome...I love the bean dip!

Yes we are in the process of working on appropriate boundaries with them. Like when his mother starts asking about our sex life or telling my fiance that he is being a 'dick' because he doesn't jump to do whatever she wants, he simply tells her it's inappropriate and if she crosses the line then he will stop the conversation until such time as she is ready to be more appropriate. I'm being super sensitive, I know because family is so important and I don't want him to feel caught in the middle.

I think we will try to have the conversation with her once and for all and if that doesn't work, there will be no more talk. She will get an invitation and I will get a thicker skin

Thanks ladies

phira · November 2013

(You might want to ask to have your username changed; it looks like it's your real name.)

I agree with what previous posters have said. You can't MAKE these people behave. Going forward, I'd recommend the following:

1) Continue to have exactly the wedding you want to have. My partner and I constantly check in with each other to make sure that we're not being pressured by friends and family into having someone else's wedding. When I confided in my partner that I might want to wear white, he got me to admit that I really didn't want to wear white, and was just feeling exhausted from the pressure from other people. There's one thing if you're okay doing something to make someone else happy (my mom really wants to walk me down the aisle, for instance), but you should not have to have the wedding someone ELSE wants.

2) Do not involve non-supportive people in any wedding conversations or planning. My grandmother hates that I'm not wearing white, so we won't talk about the dress with her. My friend wanted to go dress shopping with me to have the "Say Yes to the Dress" shopping experience; she was not invited to go dress shopping (she only wanted me to try on white dresses). So if your future in-laws are always critical of the wedding, then you don't discuss it with them. I know it can be hard, since they might ask AND because it's fun to share details, but it's just making you unhappy. And it sends the message that you're open to hearing their bullshit, which you aren't.

3) Your fiance is in charge of his family. That means that you two need to sit down and come up with your team game plan, and he needs to be in charge of it when dealing with his people. That means anyone who says, "You shouldn't marry her!" gets a clear response from him that he's marrying you and he's not going to listen to hurtful crap. That means that when his family tries to get on YOUR case about the wedding, HE will step in and deal with them. You are in charge of YOUR people--if your family or friends start to behave badly towards your fiance, then you step in. But when it's his family, he needs to be the one to stand in the middle and say, "No, this is what we're doing, and we're not going to come over and spend time with you if you're going to say shit like this."

[Deleted User] · November 2013

I didn't know what bean dipping was either...don't google it.

Good luck with your FI's family! I definitely agree with PP's- have what you want especially since y'all are paying for it...

climbingsingle · November 2013

Ugh. Your in-laws sound like real asshats. I'm sorry. I agree with PPs - don't discuss any details with them and bean dip every chance you get.

My wedding seems to be bringing out the worst in one of my best friends. It sucks.

ktjanesmom · November 2013

Maybe you should let me talk to your FMIL. I am not able to help my son and FDIL with their wedding and I learned quickly that I did not get an opinion which hurt my feelings, but I get it. Unfortunately my ex husband is helping along with his new wife so I really feel sad but I cant tell my son because I do not want to put him in the middle. I could go on and on about this but I guess the best advice ive seen given is just to stop talking to her about your plans because she doesnt seem to get that she gets no opinion.

kmj500 · November 2013

I feel your pain...I also have inlaws that think FH is basically my puppet and I make all the decisions for him and us. Completely untrue, but I just ignore it now. They hate everything about our wedding so we refuse to talk about the wedding around them anymore. They haven't contributed anything financially and have just shit over every idea we're excited about, then insisting relatives they haven't seen in 10+ years get an invite, among so many other things. Ugh, what a bunch of fun sponges.

My advice is to have the wedding you and your FH want to have. It is YOUR day, and if people can't deal with that, they don't need to come. Your wedding sounds like it will be lovely

misssunshine17 · November 2013

OP, you sound really cool and your wedding sounds perfect for you. Listen to the previous posters, they are full of good advice. I don't have anything to add, other than you sound really awesome.

LDay2014 · November 2013

thanks guys...I'm not the kind of person to sweat the small stuff.

I'll just shake my head, chalk it up to 'crazy in-laws' and move on with my wedding EXACTLY how we plan on having it.

SP29 · November 2013

What phira said.

Stop talking wedding with FMIL and FSIL, they are obviously invested in their own interests alone. You and FI continue to plan the wedding you both want. Give them their invitation telling them what day to show up, where and what time. Have FI step up a bit more if the in laws do start harassing you.

Good luck, I hope you have a fabulous wedding day!

@TexasBride2014 LMAO! I did not google it, but I can only imagine.

Teddy917 · November 2013

Agree with PPs. Also, with inviting people you don't know, very few people know absolutely everyone at their weddings. If you insist on only inviting people you know, you will more than likely end up being rude. For example, your FI best friend Bob has a girlfriend but you haven't met her; you still have to invite her. So give up on knowing everyone at your wedding.

LDay2014 · November 2013

Teddy917 said:

Agree with PPs. Also, with inviting people you don't know, very few people know absolutely everyone at their weddings. If you insist on only inviting people you know, you will more than likely end up being rude. For example, your FI best friend Bob has a girlfriend but you haven't met her; you still have to invite her. So give up on knowing everyone at your wedding.

Pardon? I'm sorry, but considering how much you know about my wedding and our relationship, I find this comment to be very presumptuous. If we wanted a big wedding we would have one, but we don't WANT one. We WANT to know everyone there and our guest list is set to include those nearest to us. This is not a big banquet wedding, it is in our backyard at 25 people will be joining us - people who have been instrumental in helping Jason and I through our journey over the past few years. I have no desire to spend $200 per person on someone I have never met (or for that matter never even heard of in the entire course of our relationship) just not for us.

And FYI, if my fiance's best friend (and best man) does have a girlfriend who is significant enough to him at that point in time, he is welcome to bring her. He knows the type of wedding we are having and that decision will be discussed amongst all of us at that time

radleyboo · November 2013

Teddy917 said:

Agree with PPs. Also, with inviting people you don't know, very few people know absolutely everyone at their weddings. If you insist on only inviting people you know, you will more than likely end up being rude. For example, your FI best friend Bob has a girlfriend but you haven't met her; you still have to invite her. So give up on knowing everyone at your wedding.

What the....???

Where exactly did you get your data? H and I had about 50 people at our wedding, and we knew every single person that was there. We invited family and a small handful of close friends, and the day was perfect. A wedding is a very personal event, by definition.

Some weddings might be huge, elaborate affairs paid for by parents who dictate guest lists, and end up including business colleagues and other people who don't know the couple. But if the Bride and Groom want a wedding where they know each person in attendance, it's actually quite easy to accomplish. Have boundaries, say 'no' when necessary, and don't invite perfect strangers off the street.

phira · November 2013

lauracichelly said:

Teddy917 said:

Agree with PPs. Also, with inviting people you don't know, very few people know absolutely everyone at their weddings. If you insist on only inviting people you know, you will more than likely end up being rude. For example, your FI best friend Bob has a girlfriend but you haven't met her; you still have to invite her. So give up on knowing everyone at your wedding.

Pardon? I'm sorry, but considering how much you know about my wedding and our relationship, I find this comment to be very presumptuous. If we wanted a big wedding we would have one, but we don't WANT one. We WANT to know everyone there and our guest list is set to include those nearest to us. This is not a big banquet wedding, it is in our backyard at 25 people will be joining us - people who have been instrumental in helping Jason and I through our journey over the past few years. I have no desire to spend $200 per person on someone I have never met (or for that matter never even heard of in the entire course of our relationship) just not for us.

And FYI, if my fiance's best friend (and best man) does have a girlfriend who is significant enough to him at that point in time, he is welcome to bring her. He knows the type of wedding we are having and that decision will be discussed amongst all of us at that time

Um ...

So, the point that @Teddy917 was making was that it's highly unlikely that you will personally know every person at your wedding. Not impossible, of course. But if one of your guests is in a relationship, and you don't know their significant other, you will either end up 1) being SUPER rude and not inviting the significant others, or 2) inviting the significant other and thus having a guest at your wedding whom you've never met.

So calm down.

LDay2014 · November 2013

I wasn't getting upset, I simply found the choice of words to be off-putting

Teddy917 · November 2013

Thank you @phira. That's exactly what I was trying to say. I'm sorry if it came across wrong.
For example, for my wedding I had four people I didn't know come. A coworker of mine brought her friend and little sister. And H grandma brought H's cousin and her girlfriend.

JellyBean52513 · November 2013

I ditto everything PPs have said, including having FI handle his family for you. It's shitty as hell that your FILs talk about you to your FI like that, but if your FI stands his ground and sticks up for you, I guarantee you that they'll eventually calm down and start treating you with more respect. They'll realize that he wouldn't be going to such lengths to defend you if you weren't someone super-important and worth respecting.

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