holy shit i suck!!

sarahmarie409 · November 2013

WOW...where to begin. So when I first got engaged back in January I was in total shock and so excited and overwhelmed my FH and I had only been dating for a few months so I had no clue it was coming. He had proposed in the early afternoon and I had called all of my family and friends to let them know the exciting news. One friend from college didn't pick up so I left her a voicemail to call me back. It was a Saturday night and my F had made dinner reservations at my favorite restaurant to celebrate and I had a bit more champagne then I should have, ok a lot (not that this is an excuse) but this friend texts me around 11 at night saying congrats etc. So, stupid drunk me writes back "thank you so much! you have to come to/be in the wedding!" and she responds "great I'm so excited!"

Back story: we used to be super close in college but rarely talk now due to a falling out right before graduation and partly just because people are busy and don't have time to keep in touch with everyone. That being said, after this text convo in January we hadn't spoken at all...this morning she texts me saying my wedding is coming up in about 6 months and when should she buy her BM dress. I honestly had no idea what she was talking about. Totally must have been blacked out when we had this conversation or something. I just scrolled back to our text thread from that night and ughhhh there it is! I had no intention of her being a BM, I think I was just soooo excited and god idk what the F$#! I was thinking I probably would have said something stupid like that to whoever had texted me at that particular moment! I mean who the hell decides their bridal party the night you get engaged!?

Well now I have my set girls that I truly want up there with me, the majority of them have already ordered their dresses and god I just feel like SUCH an asshole! Like worst friend/person in the entire world. So now I really don't know what to do...have her join in anyway and she'll probably figure out the truth from someone else (I had asked a couple other girls for advice before posting this) or just have a conversation with her and explain what happened/what an idiot I was and possibly devastate her? I feel like no matter which way I go it's a lose/lose and I know it's all my fault so I'm really just pissed at myself for being SO careless and not thinking clearly! Side note: she would have been invited to the wedding as a guest regardless just not the WP. Idk if this is more of just a vent or for advice because there is clearly no upside. Thanks anyway for listening ladies.

-Sarah

HisGirlFriday13 · November 2013

You really can't not have her be a BM. You asked -- even drunkenly -- so you have to honour that.

Look at it as a chance to mend fences; you were close in college and you were close enough that when you got engaged you called her, so she clearly means something to you.

Also, please don't let word get back to her that she was an after-thought. That's terribly rude.

itzMS · November 2013

sarahmarie409 said:
WOW...where to begin. So when I first got engaged back in January I was in total shock and so excited and overwhelmed my FH and I had only been dating for a few months so I had no clue it was coming. He had proposed in the early afternoon and I had called all of my family and friends to let them know the exciting news. One friend from college didn't pick up so I left her a voicemail to call me back. It was a Saturday night and my F had made dinner reservations at my favorite restaurant to celebrate and I had a bit more champagne then I should have, ok a lot (not that this is an excuse) but this friend texts me around 11 at night saying congrats etc. So, stupid drunk me writes back "thank you so much! you have to come to/be in the wedding!" and she responds "great I'm so excited!"
Back story: we used to be super close in college but rarely talk now due to a falling out right before graduation and partly just because people are busy and don't have time to keep in touch with everyone. That being said, after this text convo in January we hadn't spoken at all...this morning she texts me saying my wedding is coming up in about 6 months and when should she buy her BM dress. I honestly had no idea what she was talking about. Totally must have been blacked out when we had this conversation or something. I just scrolled back to our text thread from that night and ughhhh there it is! I had no intention of her being a BM, I think I was just soooo excited and god idk what the F$#! I was thinking I probably would have said something stupid like that to whoever had texted me at that particular moment! I mean who the hell decides their bridal party the night you get engaged!?
Well now I have my set girls that I truly want up there with me, the majority of them have already ordered their dresses and god I just feel like SUCH an asshole! Like worst friend/person in the entire world. So now I really don't know what to do...have her join in anyway and she'll probably figure out the truth from someone else (I had asked a couple other girls for advice before posting this) or just have a conversation with her and explain what happened/what an idiot I was and possibly devastate her? I feel like no matter which way I go it's a lose/lose and I know it's all my fault so I'm really just pissed at myself for being SO careless and not thinking clearly! Side note: she would have been invited to the wedding as a guest regardless just not the WP. Idk if this is more of just a vent or for advice because there is clearly no upside. Thanks anyway for listening ladies.

-Sarah

JIC

itzMS · November 2013

The only appropriate response to her is:

"Oh, I'm so sorry, time is just flying by! The dress is X style from Y designer in Z color. Please let me know if you have any questions!"

thelastdreamer · November 2013

Yeah. Don't kick her out. She didn't do anything wrong and that would ruin whatever is left of your relationship. Privately tell whoever you asked for advice about this that she is in the wedding and they are absolutely not to mention to anyone that you didn't want her to be. Tell her where to get the dress and pretend you always planned for her to be there.

MandyMost · November 2013

sarahmarie409 said:

WOW...where to begin. So when I first got engaged back in January I was in total shock and so excited and overwhelmed my FH and I had only been dating for a few months so I had no clue it was coming. He had proposed in the early afternoon and I had called all of my family and friends to let them know the exciting news. One friend from college didn't pick up so I left her a voicemail to call me back. It was a Saturday night and my F had made dinner reservations at my favorite restaurant to celebrate and I had a bit more champagne then I should have, ok a lot (not that this is an excuse) but this friend texts me around 11 at night saying congrats etc. So, stupid drunk me writes back "thank you so much! you have to come to/be in the wedding!" and she responds "great I'm so excited!"

Is this literally what you wrote? If so, you totally don't need to ask her to be a bridesmaid. How about asking her to do a reading at your wedding? And I know people are usually totally against this, but you could ask her to do something like pass out the programs. I say you write back to her and tell her a stretched-truth about how you you're sorry for the misunderstanding but you and your fiance are keeping the bridal party small and very close (hopefully this is true!), but you still do want her to be in the wedding in another way.

And honestly, I think the friend is rude for following up with you to ask about buying a BM dress if she hasn't spoken to you since that text.

thelastdreamer · November 2013

sarahmarie409 said:

WOW...where to begin. So when I first got engaged back in January I was in total shock and so excited and overwhelmed my FH and I had only been dating for a few months so I had no clue it was coming. He had proposed in the early afternoon and I had called all of my family and friends to let them know the exciting news. One friend from college didn't pick up so I left her a voicemail to call me back. It was a Saturday night and my F had made dinner reservations at my favorite restaurant to celebrate and I had a bit more champagne then I should have, ok a lot (not that this is an excuse) but this friend texts me around 11 at night saying congrats etc. So, stupid drunk me writes back "thank you so much! you have to come to/be in the wedding!" and she responds "great I'm so excited!"

Is this literally what you wrote? If so, you totally don't need to ask her to be a bridesmaid. How about asking her to do a reading at your wedding? And I know people are usually totally against this, but you could ask her to do something like pass out the programs. I say you write back to her and tell her a stretched-truth about how you you're sorry for the misunderstanding but you and your fiance are keeping the bridal party small and very close (hopefully this is true!), but you still do want her to be in the wedding in another way.

And honestly, I think the friend is rude for following up with you to ask about buying a BM dress if she hasn't spoken to you since that text.

STUCK IN THE BOX: Oh my gosh, no. Don't do this! I'm sorry but asking someone to "be in" your wedding means that you are asking them to be in the bridal party. I feel like that will be so obvious.

cowgirl8238 · November 2013

First off thank you for admitting that being drunk is not an excuss for your behavior...I absolutely hate when people do that. *steps off soapbox* Now on to your question!

So, stupid drunk me writes back "thank you so much! you have to come to/be in the wedding!" and she responds "great I'm so excited!"

Is this exactly what you said to her? As in you only mentioned it once in passing? It may not be the nicest thing to do, and it will probably be friendship ending (given how you already had a falling out in the past and aren't super close now) but you could try to plead your case to her. It will still be rude but idk if that would be better or worse then her finding out later on that she wasn't originally going to be in your wedding!

The correct thing to do would be to tell her that yes she is a BM, and then instruct all of the BM's you already spoke to that you have decided to honor your word and not to tell her that she was an after thought. Then I would use the wording itMZ gave you and bring your friend on borad. It sucks that you're even in this position but it is better to be the bigger person and stand by the promises you made (even if you were drunk) It would be rude and friendship ending not to include her if you promised her but ultimately it is your choice.

princessleia22 · November 2013

I'd say that it depends on her personality and how you think she'd handle it if you told her the truth. If she is the type that would go nuts and be pissed off if you told her that you didn't want her as a bridesmaid, then I would say its best to include her. But, if she is the more reasonable type of person, and you think she will most likely react well to it, I would consider talking to her and tell her the truth... or some version of it. Just tell her that you were so excited that day about the engagement, but now that you have gotten further into the wedding plans and what type of wedding you are envisioning, your initial ideas have changed a bit. And tell her that you really cherish your friendship with her, otherwise she wouldn't have been one of the first people she call when you got engaged, and you hope she will be there to support you that day as a guest. If it were me in her position, I wouldn't have any problem with it or let it hurt our friendship if someone said that to me. And honestly, I wouldn't be that upset that I didn't need to buy some dress I won't ever wear again or spend the money to be a bridesmaid. At most, I might feel a bit stupid for assuming I was still a bridesmaid if I hadn't heard from you in nearly a year, but I'd get over it quickly. Then I'd be there at your wedding with a big, heartfelt smile on my face and be super happy for you. So, it really depends on who she is and how you think she may react.

But, if she was really looking forward to being your bridesmaid, there is always the potential for her to be upset by it and it could possibly have negative impact on your friendship with her.

sarahmarie409 · November 2013

thanks for your input everyone! for those of you who have asked yes those were the exact words that were sent in our text thread...I feel like maybe I should just include her now because my bridal party is large already..10 girls but that's sooo many and it sucks that we really are not even close anymore. ughhh im so annoyed at myself and I havn't addressed the situation yet I just told her I was at work and we'd talk later on hopefully giving myself time to figure out wtf to say!

CTYankeeBride · November 2013

She should be included because she has been asked. Whether asking her was half-assed or not, she was asked. If she had forgotten about it or didn't have interest in being a BM, she wouldn't be asking you which dress to buy so it sounds like in her mind, it's done. At the very least, she feels that she made a commitment to being in your WP and she feels she should honor that.

Asking her not to be a BM at this point would be rude, and probably friendship-ending. If you don't care if she never speaks to you again, then I suppose you could go ahead and be honest with her and tell her that you drunkenly asked and weren't being sincere. There are really very few circumstances where it's acceptable to un-ask someone and most of them involve things more friendship-ending than being kicked out of a wedding party.

chibiyui · November 2013

Say what ItzMS said. With 10 bms, there is no way she wouldn't feel slighted.

tabathafaye · November 2013

With 10 BMs there is no way it will remain a secret. Someone will probably let it slip, you know, after too much to drink.

photokitty · November 2013

Unless you have already given the 10 BMs a list of the other 9 girls it should never come out. In fact you asked her first, so if anyone says anything you can tell them that and you can't believe you left her name off the list. If some of them haven't ordered their dresses yet I don't really see anything to be concerned about. Just give her the details and apologize for not being more prompt. I hope the other girls you asked advice for are not loosed lipped, swear them to secrecy and don not ever mention again that you don't think this girl is close enough to be a BM. GL!

JoanE2012 · November 2013

Geez, with 10 girls, what difference does it make to add 1 more? Just tell her what dress to get and be done with it. If you don't want to be friends with her anymore, tell her you goofed.

Amyzen83 · November 2013

This is why we should lock up our phones when we drink lol! So sorry you are in this bind. Well at least this is a woman you are still on relatively good terms with, and she obviously does mean something to you. I think with the fact that you have a lot of bridesmaids, nobody will think twice about the new addition. I would tell the other girls you confided in not to say anything. I agree with all of the other posters that you should keep her in the party and tell her the dress info and apologize for not telling her sooner and I think due to the fact there are many others, it could very well be plausible you thought you had called all of your bridesmaids but a few fell in the cracks.

You mentioned that you did have a falling out with this girl, was this a resolvable or now irrelevant issue? Or did it turn out she was not a trustworthy person. If it was because she did something like try to steal all your bfs, or got violent with you then I could see how you wouldn't want her in your bridal party and it's fine if you end the friendship. If it was because you both simply drifted apart, then this is a great opportunity to reconnect.

sarahmarie409 · November 2013

@photokitty all the whole wedding party is listed in our wedding website that has been up for months and I'm guessing she hasn't seen it or if she has that makes it even worse

@amyzen83 yes, we are on relatively good terms and she does mean something to me but our "falling out" in college was that she would pick fights with me over everything just a real drama queen but our last night out all together before graduation she particularly exploded at me and the rest of our group of girlfriends over a new friend we had all made and they didn't get along. This new girl had no plans for the night so we invited her to come along. Anyway she blew up at all of us calling us bitches and every other word you could think of, slammed her drink on the table and said "Thank god we're graduating tomorrow, I'm so sick of all of you, maybe I'll see you at our weddings, bye." Then just left...didn't sit with any of us during the ceremony and I didn't hear from her for months after. Since then we've talked but things just were never really the same. I feel like it could be a nice opportunity to reconnect however it could also be an opportunity for so much for drama. Prior said "new girl" from college and I became extremely close over the past few years and she will also be in the wedding. ugh. what have I gotten myself into lol. I'm sure I'll figure it out soon..you can only avoid a topic for so long right

zitiqueen · November 2013

sarahmarie409 said:

I mean who the hell decides their bridal party the night you get engaged!?

Are you new here?

sarahmarie409 · November 2013

@zitiqueen

not really new I've been lurking since I got engaged in January and posted a few things throughout this year...why? do I sound like a newbie lol?

Amyzen83 · November 2013

Based on the info u gave me I can see why u hav reservations about including her in your bridal party. At this point I would still include her because it sounds like she may hav just had a breakdown at that time... School can do that to a person. She also may have matured since then too, as most people do grow and change. But then again maybe not and she could still be a drama queen. The only way to tell is to watch and see her behavior but at least give her a chance to show she's not the same person. If she starts causing the same problems as before then id kick her out and end the friendship.

Fezzik42 · November 2013

This happened to me...I was on the receiving end of a "drunken" invitation to be in the bridal party. I was at a party at my cousin's house, she was getting married. She had too much to drink and said something along the lines of "Of course I need my Bda (her nickname for me) to be in my wedding!!!" I was not drunk and remembered this the next day. I guess I did not realize it at the time. I even mentioned it to my dad, who I am sure told his sister (my cousin's mom). I was more embarrassed than anything that she didn't end up asking me "for real" and I thought her drunken statement was "real" enough to tell my dad that she asked me to stand up.

JCbride2015 · November 2013

brendajaye629 said:

This happened to me...I was on the receiving end of a "drunken" invitation to be in the bridal party. I was at a party at my cousin's house, she was getting married. She had too much to drink and said something along the lines of "Of course I need my Bda (her nickname for me) to be in my wedding!!!" I was not drunk and remembered this the next day. I guess I did not realize it at the time. I even mentioned it to my dad, who I am sure told his sister (my cousin's mom). I was more embarrassed than anything that she didn't end up asking me "for real" and I thought her drunken statement was "real" enough to tell my dad that she asked me to stand up.

Oh no, that is embarrassing. But it sounds like you were polite enough not to call your cousin out on the carpet about it, so bravo to you.

I drunkenly asked one of my best friends to be a BM the first time I saw her after we were engaged. This was actually a few months later but she lives abroad, so I hadn't seen her in like a year. When I later asked her "for real," she laughed and said I asked her that night! *Phew* Thank God I really wanted her to be a BM. If I threw out any other drunken invitations, they haven't yet come back to haunt me.

HaileyDancingbear · November 2013

You said come to/be in the wedding in a drunken text. You didn't say bridesmaid. So as far as I see there is no commitment there. You can always give her some simple jobs to help with the wedding so she can "Be in" the wedding without being a bridesmaid- it is your wedding dammit, you shouldn't feel guilted into having her as a bridesmaid.

Now to be completely blunt, you rarely talked before this, and after your extremely short TEXT conversation (Not even face-to-face! That barely even counts!) you didn't talk at all since JANUARY, on what planet are the two of you close enough friends for her to be a bridesmaid? Do you REALLY want your group of bridesmaids to be friends, family, and that one chick from college you drunkenly texted six months ago? Especially when she has a history for being dramatic? How much would it absolutely SUCK if you got guilted into having her as a bridesmaid and ended up dealing with drama because of it?

It is your wedding, and I honestly think you can get out of having her as a bridesmaid of you don't want her as one by just giving her some other odd jobs so that she feels she's helping and being part of the wedding. I know a lot of commenters are saying you should feel obligated to have her as a bridesmaid, but screw that. You have no obligation to someone you barely even talk to and haven't spoken to since a text six months ago, and it is your day. You do what you want.

KittyKaty20 · November 2013

@HaileyDancingbear is spot-on. If those were the words you texted, then I would call her directly and clarify WHAT essential role you have for her-a reader, programs, etc. Be prepared for her to be annoyed/upset, though, and be prepared to apologize for not being more clear in your intent.

Based on her reaction, you'll know whether to include her in your big day. If she throws a royal fit (like on grad night), then you may consider having another trusted friend/relative in the back of your mind who could fulfill that role.

You absolutely MUST send her a wedding invitation; if she declines, then your problem is solved. If she accepts, plan on inviting her to the rehearsal and dinner.

Good Luck!

jenniferurs · November 2013

Please don't give your friend a "job." Being "in" a wedding is supposed to be an honor, not a chore.

photokitty · November 2013

HaileyDancingbear said:

You said come to/be in the wedding in a drunken text. You didn't say bridesmaid. So as far as I see there is no commitment there. You can always give her some simple jobs to help with the wedding so she can "Be in" the wedding without being a bridesmaid- it is your wedding dammit, you shouldn't feel guilted into having her as a bridesmaid.
Now to be completely blunt, you rarely talked before this, and after your extremely short TEXT conversation (Not even face-to-face! That barely even counts!) you didn't talk at all since JANUARY, on what planet are the two of you close enough friends for her to be a bridesmaid? Do you REALLY want your group of bridesmaids to be friends, family, and that one chick from college you drunkenly texted six months ago? Especially when she has a history for being dramatic? How much would it absolutely SUCK if you got guilted into having her as a bridesmaid and ended up dealing with drama because of it?
It is your wedding, and I honestly think you can get out of having her as a bridesmaid of you don't want her as one by just giving her some other odd jobs so that she feels she's helping and being part of the wedding. I know a lot of commenters are saying you should feel obligated to have her as a bridesmaid, but screw that. You have no obligation to someone you barely even talk to and haven't spoken to since a text six months ago, and it is your day. You do what you want.

She asked the girl to be in the wedding, drunk or not. She either does have an obligation to honor the fact that she asked her to be in the wedding or decide she is willing to end the friendship over it. Being a reader is not an honor for someone who thinks they are a close friend, especially one who was asked to be in the wedding.

KittyKaty20 said:

@HaileyDancingbear is spot-on. If those were the words you texted, then I would call her directly and clarify WHAT essential role you have for her-a reader, programs, etc. Be prepared for her to be annoyed/upset, though, and be prepared to apologize for not being more clear in your intent.
Based on her reaction, you'll know whether to include her in your big day. If she throws a royal fit (like on grad night), then you may consider having another trusted friend/relative in the back of your mind who could fulfill that role.
You absolutely MUST send her a wedding invitation; if she declines, then your problem is solved. If she accepts, plan on inviting her to the rehearsal and dinner.
Good Luck!

So offend another loved one by having them be the back up? Great plan...please don't do this.

Either add her as a bridesmaid or tell her the truth and be read for the friendship to be over.

Sorry OP, it sucks, but you are an adult and you made a mistake and you have to live with the consequences,

CaliMel11 · November 2013

I really don't see how it could hurt to have her in the party.
It sounds like she's excited to be in it, so what harm does that do?

climbingsingle · November 2013

I don't know if this girl seems excited. They talked in January and then haven't talked since? Not exactly a close friend. But since you do have 10 girls already, I don't see the harm in adding one more.

I do have sort of a similar story. I got divorced in 2006. One of my friends and I had a very drunken conversation. She said she'd want me to be her MOH if she ever got married. And I told her that she'd definitely be in my wedding again (she was in the first one). This was 7 years ago. I didn't even remember the conversation. But she does. She apparently brought it up to a mutual friend of ours. And guess what - she's hella pissed I'm not having a bridal party.

holy shit i suck!!

Re: holy shit i suck!!

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