My overbearing father is trying to force my fiance to convert

Babygrrl2285 · November 2013

I'm Catholic and my fiance is Methodist. We were planning on being married Methodist due to the problems we'll have with the Catholic Church and him needing to convert so we can be married. My fiance does not want to convert to Catholic. My father is dead set against us being married anywhere other than a Catholic church and is causing a lot of grief over it. He won't speak to me, let alone let me know what my wedding budget is or help me plan anything. I'm not trying to cause a major rift in my family, but I don't know what to do. I can't, and more importantly won't, make my fiance convert, but I'm worried my dad is to the point where he won't help pay for the wedding if it's not in a Catholic church. I'm beyond frustrated and getting really close to saying screw it and just eloping.

clarke10 · November 2013

Why don't you and your FI just pay for the wedding yourselves? That way you aren't required to take your dad's input.

Babygrrl2285 · November 2013

It's not out of the question for us at this point, but we'd like for my father to be speaking to us on our wedding day. If we tell him we're paying for the wedding ourselves, he'll take it as we don't need him and there's a good chance he wouldn't come at all, which I really don't want. As difficult as he's being, he's still my dad and I want him there.

6fsn · November 2013

If your father is that devout I'd talk to him about people wanting to be true in their heart before converting. Have the priest intervene if necessary. I'd try to work through the church to make him see that this is not the way to act.

Nevermind. GBCK had a better answer.

While doing this I'd move forward planning what you are comfortable paying for. If he comes around use his money for extra splurges.

FWIW My husband is not Catholic, but we were married in a Catholic church.

GBCK · November 2013

when someone is being an unreasonable, controlling douchebag, the correct response isn't to give them expectations on how to be reasonable--they've already made it clear that they're not reasonable people.

Someone who isn't speaking to you, who believes he can force a conversion and disrespects your (collective your--you and FI's) beliefs isn't going to be reasonable because you've pointed out to him that he's being mean--he know's he's already quite aware he's being mean and unreasonable.

Here's the thing, what price are you willing to 'pay' to have him there?

Because right now the price tag is to damn high.

If there are ways to compromise, propose those, but now is well past the time to have a boundry line drawing discussion "Dad, JimBob and I are getting married in the Methodist church. This is not up for discussion and I will not tolerate disrespect for JimBob's or my religious convictions.
Knowing that this is the case, will you be able to act like an adult and attend our wedding? (this is a yes or no question. An discussion about why it's not is nt to be responded to. Don't justify yourself, don't explain or excuse yourself. Redirect "As I said, this is not up for discussion. This is a yes or no question. Will you be attending our wedding in a methodist church?")

JimBob and I are making our plans, assuming we are paying for our own wedding. If you would like to make a contribution, we are thrilled and grateful. "

(even if he offers oney, plan as if that might fall through until/unless youhave a check in hand. because money comes with strings and can be jerked back)

thejucheidea · November 2013

I know you probably don't mean it in the OP, but I read it as 'I'm willing to make my fiance change his religious views so that my dad will give us money for this one party'. That's not a very equal exchange.

hmonkey · November 2013

why can't your fiance just convert now and then convert back after the wedding?

Babygrrl2285 · November 2013

It varies church to church. The priest at my church will not marry us unless my FI converts. Which I don't want him to do. And I hope that it didn't come out like I want him to so my dad will give us money. Because f**k the money, that's the last thing I care about. My dad offered to pay, and now is relenting because of the church issue.

6fsn · November 2013

Babygrrl2285 said:

It varies church to church. The priest at my church will not marry us unless my FI converts. Which I don't want him to do. And I hope that it didn't come out like I want him to so my dad will give us money. Because f**k the money, that's the last thing I care about. My dad offered to pay, and now is relenting because of the church issue.

So what do you want? Do you want a Catholic marriage? If so pursue another church that doesn't require conversion. If you don't care then plan the wedding you can afford and work on your father separate from the money.

thejucheidea · November 2013

Just pay for your own wedding -- it's what's best in the end. My parents really wanted to pay for our wedding but couldn't because they declared bankruptcy a few years ago and therefore don't have any money beyond living expenses, so we paid for the wedding ourselves. It can be expensive, which sucks, but you also don't have to have anything extravagant and just remember that at the end of the day, you're married to the person you love and it's really just a party you're hosting.

doeydo · November 2013

I'm Catholic and my fiance is Methodist. We were planning on being married Methodist due to the problems we'll have with the Catholic Church and him needing to convert so we can be married. My fiance does not want to convert to Catholic. My father is dead set against us being married anywhere other than a Catholic church and is causing a lot of grief over it. He won't speak to me, let alone let me know what my wedding budget is or help me plan anything. I'm not trying to cause a major rift in my family, but I don't know what to do. I can't, and more importantly won't, make my fiance convert, but I'm worried my dad is to the point where he won't help pay for the wedding if it's not in a Catholic church. I'm beyond frustrated and getting really close to saying screw it and just eloping.

Stuck in box

Your FI shouldn't have to convert religions just to be accepted by your father. I am sorry this is happening and that your father won't speak to you. If he does try to talk to you about your FI converting and you getting married in the Catholic church, tell him you that you and your FI have made your decision and it is final, no discussion necessary. Also, regarding the bolded, he does not have to pay for anything for your wedding and most likely won't if he doesn't get his way. So, you and your FI will have to pay for the weddings yourselves and if anyone else offers to contribute then that's a bonus. However, it might mean not having a big/extravagant wedding if that is not in your budget.

HisGirlFriday13 · November 2013

Ditto @GBCK, whose answer is spot-on.

You said:

Babygrrl2285 said:

It varies church to church. The priest at my church will not marry us unless my FI converts. Which I don't want him to do. And I hope that it didn't come out like I want him to so my dad will give us money. Because f**k the money, that's the last thing I care about. My dad offered to pay, and now is relenting because of the church issue.

False. The universal position of the Catholic church is to provide a nuptial Mass when at least one party is a baptised, confirmed, practising Catholic. If your priest won't do that, then he's in the wrong, and you should find another priest -- IF you want a Catholic Mass. If you don't, it's an irrelevant side point.

This will be the first of many arguments you can expect to have with your father about religion -- if you give in to him on this issue, in any form, you can expect him to demand that you baptise your children Catholic and raise them Catholic, and if you don't, well he'll stop speaking to you.

What your father is doing is the adult equivalent of a child threatening to hold his breath until he dies, hoping you'll give in. We all know what happens -- the kid holds his breath, passes out, wakes up, and finds out the world has gone on without him. That is what you need to do to your father. Let him rant and rage, and just ignore him until he agrees to be reasonable.

Vivandiere8 · November 2013

Babygrrl2285 said:

It varies church to church. The priest at my church will not marry us unless my FI converts.

It should not be a church to church thing. The Catholic church does require that the other person be baptized, but they don't have to have been baptized in the Catholic church, just another Christian Church. Maybe your priest is being a rebel or something, but that is not normal. That's not a rule the priest gets to decide on.

But yeah, your Dad has to realize you can't pressure someone into a religion. That also doesn't work that way.

mrsbuzzlightyear · November 2013

Vivandiere8 said:

Babygrrl2285 said:

It varies church to church. The priest at my church will not marry us unless my FI converts.

It should not be a church to church thing. The Catholic church does require that the other person be baptized, but they don't have to have been baptized in the Catholic church, just another Christian Church. Maybe your priest is being a rebel or something, but that is not normal. That's not a rule the priest gets to decide on.

But yeah, your Dad has to realize you can't pressure someone into a religion. That also doesn't work that way.

Actually, they don't even require that the other person be baptized, although you have to get permission from your diocese in order to marry an unbaptized person. Regardless, you're right, it's still not something for that individual priest or OP's father to decide.

Babygrrl2285 · November 2013

I know that the priest at our church is a difficult priest to have marry you. We're not the first people he's refused to marry that we know. He refuses people all the time, depending on the couple. For us, he felt our marriage would be too difficult if my FI did not convert. Now, I'm sure we could go to another Catholic Church and find one that would marry us. And maybe we'll wind up doing that. But my father doesn't want that. He wants it in that church, and wants my FI to convert if that's what is required of us. He is a very unreasonable person. I did make sure he knew that we would not be compromising on this. It's been very stressful. But ultimately, we'll have the wedding that we want, whether he has any part of it or not.

Chipmunk415 · November 2013

Have you considered eloping?

hmonkey · November 2013

Chipmunk415 said:
Have you considered eloping?

what makes you say that?

Babygrrl2285 said:

I'm beyond frustrated and getting really close to saying screw it and just eloping.

Chipmunk415 · November 2013

hmonkey said:

Chipmunk415 said:

Have you considered eloping?
what makes you say that?

Babygrrl2285 said:

I'm beyond frustrated and getting really close to saying screw it and just eloping.

I missed that last line. My Dad started making a stink early on about me not getting married in a church. I reminded him that he had not raised me Catholic (despite being Catholic), my family was half Irish Catholic and half Irish Protestant. FI's family has a mixture of staunch Lutherans and Methodists. Was NOT stepping on that one. He stopped whining when we threatened to elope in the Virgin Islands- OP, it might be the best idea!

MNNEBride · November 2013

I guess I don't understand how your Dad's expectations haven't come up before your engagement and subsequent wedding planning. Did he just assume your boyfriend would convert if he was serious about marrying you? Did he hope the relationship would not last since your BF wasn't Catholic? I'm just curious on why it took him this long to say anything.

zitiqueen · November 2013

Babygrrl2285 said:

I'm Catholic and my fiance is Methodist. We were planning on being married Methodist due to the problems we'll have with the Catholic Church and him needing to convert so we can be married. My fiance does not want to convert to Catholic. My father is dead set against us being married anywhere other than a Catholic church and is causing a lot of grief over it. He won't speak to me, let alone let me know what my wedding budget is or help me plan anything. I'm not trying to cause a major rift in my family, but I don't know what to do. I can't, and more importantly won't, make my fiance convert, but I'm worried my dad is to the point where he won't help pay for the wedding if it's not in a Catholic church. I'm beyond frustrated and getting really close to saying screw it and just eloping.

Did he ever say he was planning to pay for your wedding, or are you just assuming he is?

HisGirlFriday13 · November 2013

Babygrrl2285 said:

I know that the priest at our church is a difficult priest to have marry you. We're not the first people he's refused to marry that we know. He refuses people all the time, depending on the couple. For us, he felt our marriage would be too difficult if my FI did not convert. Now, I'm sure we could go to another Catholic Church and find one that would marry us. And maybe we'll wind up doing that. But my father doesn't want that. He wants it in that church, and wants my FI to convert if that's what is required of us. He is a very unreasonable person. I did make sure he knew that we would not be compromising on this. It's been very stressful. But ultimately, we'll have the wedding that we want, whether he has any part of it or not.

1. It's certainly within your priest's rights to say that, but it's also within your rights to say, "Thank you for your opinion. We will be finding another priest now." My parents were married by a priest and my mother wasn't Catholic at the time; their marriage is fine.

2. It sounds like your father is more concerned about your wedding taking place in this physical church than about it being Catholic in general, which tells me he's not really serious about this. You say "wants my FI to convert if that's what's required of him." This isn't a check list; you don't just "do things" to make people happy or appease unreasonable people, and your father is being unreasonable.

3. Dito @zitiqueen: Unless your father has TOLD YOU he's going to pay for your wedding, you're making a huge assumption. And given his ridiculous behaviour, I'd just go forward with planning the wedding you and FI (a) want and (b) can afford on your own. If you let your father pay, you will be letting him have a say in it, and that seems like a very bad idea.

Babygrrl2285 · November 2013

He did offer right after the engagement. I would never make an assumption like that. He wants it in this particular church because it's where he got married and my brother got married. It's more tradition than religion because the last time he was probably in this church was when my brother got married... 5 years ago.

JCbride2015 · November 2013

Babygrrl2285 said:

He did offer right after the engagement. I would never make an assumption like that. He wants it in this particular church because it's where he got married and my brother got married. It's more tradition than religion because the last time he was probably in this church was when my brother got married... 5 years ago.

This changes everything IMO. Your father is being even more unreasonable than it first appeared. Converting is a personal, religious decision and nobody should be asked to do it if they aren't moved on their own. Asking someone to convert so that your wedding can be in a church, where your father doesn't even attend?? Totally out of line. It sounds like your father isn't even really that religious. Such an attachment to a physical building (and it can't be an attachment to the priest or religious community, since he doesn't attend church) sounds like a weird fixation and is very troubling.

My overbearing father is trying to force my fiance to convert

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