Inviting relatives with an addiction

snowday228 · November 2013

I'm really stuck on whether or not it is a good idea to invite my cousin to my wedding. She has been struggling with a drug addiction for the last few years, and frequently steals from family members at family events (like Christmas or birthdays) and engages in erratic behavior. We aren't especially close, but we did grow up together and our families are very close. She's in rehab now, so I am holding out hope that she'll be able to overcome the addiction ,but I am worried about inviting her. I am also inviting the other members of her family, who I am close to, and I don't want to make her feel isolated from the family due to her addiction. I don't want to exclude her, but at the same time I want to protect my other guests and the venue (and I guess myself) from any theft, vandalism, or drug use. Also, her partner is her drug supplier and I worry about her bringing him regardless of whether or not I invite her with a guest....

Inkdancer · November 2013

When is your wedding? If it is a year from now, wait and see how she is doing closer to the wedding. She might end up thriving post-rehab and really get her life turned around. If you're getting married in two months, you might want to skip the invite and let her stay at the rehab center where she will be doing good work towards her recovery.

Either way, I hope things turn out well for her.

misssunshine17 · November 2013

I also think it depends on when your wedding is. If it is soon, I think the fact that she has been known to steal and that there will be many unattended purses around (and a gift table), she shouldn't be invited. This is to protect the rests of your guests. It's hard, but it's the reality. If your wedding isn't for a while, don't worry about it until invites need to be sent.

kmmssg · November 2013

My background: RAMPANT drug and alcohol addictions in my immediate family, bouts of being clean and sober for 15 years (them, not me, I have stayed away from both based on the stellar examples they have set), performing eulogies for those whom their addictions killed. That is that.

My brother was my best friend in the world. Besides my husband and kids, NO ONE ever loved me more than he did. NO ONE. He was a raging addict in the 5 years before he died. If he were alive today and not working a program and maintaining sobriety, I would not be able to invite him to DD's wedding next Summer because I would have to protect my guests. Addicts who need drugs need money. Addicts who need money (that would be most of them...) steal.

Hopefully your cousin works a solid program and finds her sobriety. Many, many, many fall off the wagon and have to start all over again. As long as they keep trying, that is what counts.

Now...all of that being said, I will put my judgey pants on and say that if she stays with her partner/drug supplier, she will NOT remain clean. Won't happen. She has to surround herself with a whole new set of friends and new environments or she will settle right back into the drugs.

When is your wedding in relation to when she gets out of rehab? I am pretty much a stickler for inviting social units (couples) but etiquette be damned on this one. If you KNOW this guy is her dealer and supplier, I would not invite him - regardless of whether they are living together or not. I have been ripped off by junkies. Cash taken right out of my purse while I wasn't watching. Receptions would be ripe for that. I feel it is your absolute responsibility to protect all of your guests. To do that, I believe the dealer/supplier guy needs to be forbidden from attending, and I think you need to have a good idea of how she is doing just before your wedding.

Is her family dealing honestly with her addiction or are they enablers? If they are enablers, they are gonna tell you she is clean because it will be easy for her to convince them of that (been there, done that). If they really hold her to task on this, can you discuss with any of them how she is doing?

When is your wedding?

WedReMix13 · November 2013

Will you look back and wish you had invited her? Will you feel bad you didnt invite her? If she ever asks you why she wasnt invited, what would you say?

My husband was an addict (not of drugs) and i know hed feel like crap if he wasnt invited to something due to his addiction. (IF he was in a GOOD place and could see that)

s-aries8990 · November 2013

I agree with everyone else- wait until you're closer to the date.

If you DO end up inviting her, does your venue have a coat/bag check? That might be helpful.

snowday228 · November 2013

Thanks so much for all of the advice, you've all given me a lot of good things to think about. I also feel better knowing other people have been in these situations.

My wedding isn't until spring, but she's been in and out of programs a lot lately, so there's not a guarantee about whether or not she'd be out or in at the time. I just sent out save the dates, so that's why this has been on my mind so much lately. I opted not to send her a save the date and just really really hope that this time in rehab is the one that works and she'll be in a better place by spring.

crunchymamaof2 · November 2013

I tend to agree with the other ladies here who have said not to invite her if she's actively using at the time of the wedding.

Like kmmsgg I am heavily experienced with addiction, the difference being I myself battled with it. Unfortunately, if she's been in and out of many of the same style rehabs (we call them spin dry rehabs) she'll likely need a different approach to sober up. I do hope that doesn't end up being the case for her. kmmsgg is also right that she'll never sober up until she ditches the boyfriend. I wouldn't allow him near your wedding with a ten foot pole. I had a boyfriend like that and he did steal everytime we were at my families' homes and I know for a fact he wouldn't have hesitated at a wedding. I had a hard time stealing from family, but you do get to a point where you shove the guilt aside and do it anyway (out of a sheer need to simply feel normal that day) so yes, she will likely be a threat to wedding guests.

It's obvious you care about your cousin. But until she has shown herself to be committed to her recovery she really shouldn't be invited to the wedding. I've been sober since February 2007 and I'm sure it took several months, if not at least a year, for my family to trust me again.

She'll be in my thoughts.

[Deleted User] · November 2013

I think you have made the right choice by not sending her a save the date. This gives you and your family a chance to see what her choices are over the next several months. If she gets rid of her partner, works the program and seems to be sticking to making positive changes in her life, you can always send her an invite. But if she goes back to her old ways or her behavior is questionable, then you can opt not to send her an invite and I'm sure her family will understand. In regards to her feelings, well it's a consequence of her actions that if she continues to use drugs and be with questionable individuals, that she isn't going to be included in family events.

Good luck to her and your family as you all go through this.

PolarBearFitz · November 2013

Erikan73 said:

I think you have made the right choice by not sending her a save the date. This gives you and your family a chance to see what her choices are over the next several months. If she gets rid of her partner, works the program and seems to be sticking to making positive changes in her life, you can always send her an invite. But if she goes back to her old ways or her behavior is questionable, then you can opt not to send her an invite and I'm sure her family will understand. In regards to her feelings, well it's a consequence of her actions that if she continues to use drugs and be with questionable individuals, that she isn't going to be included in family events.
Good luck to her and your family as you all go through this.

I agree with the bolded 100%. A lot of the issues with addiction are that everyone turns a blind eye or ignores it. It is really difficult to have this stance but I have had to do this with a family member before. Not being invited helped them to start learning that their addiction not only affects them but everyone around them. It may not be a shining light into sobriety but it will definitely back the sentiment of 'if you make poor decisions, you force your family to be without you in the long run.' Just my two cents.

I hope your cousin turns things around and remains sober.

JCbride2015 · November 2013

Just sending sympathy here. I agree with PPs you will have to wait and see how she is doing, and you made the right call by not sending the save the date.

I have an immediate family member who's struggled with addiction, and one of my BMs too. These people will be at my wedding because they are clean and have been for a couple of years, so I trust that they're stable. But it's hard when your family member or friend is going through that. In a lot of ways, as you've probably realized with your cousin, other people can't help the addict.

Interestingly, Fi's cousin (a grown woman and mother of three) has stolen from family before. There's no addiction that we know of. She actually stole multiple gift cards out from under the Christmas tree a couple of years ago. Gifts for her younger cousins, mostly. Everyone knows this, and talks about her behind her back, but continues to invite her to things. It's not the greatest situation.

kmmssg · November 2013

acove2006 said:

I tend to agree with the other ladies here who have said not to invite her if she's actively using at the time of the wedding.
Like kmmsgg I am heavily experienced with addiction, the difference being I myself battled with it. Unfortunately, if she's been in and out of many of the same style rehabs (we call them spin dry rehabs) she'll likely need a different approach to sober up. I do hope that doesn't end up being the case for her. kmmsgg is also right that she'll never sober up until she ditches the boyfriend. I wouldn't allow him near your wedding with a ten foot pole. I had a boyfriend like that and he did steal everytime we were at my families' homes and I know for a fact he wouldn't have hesitated at a wedding. I had a hard time stealing from family, but you do get to a point where you shove the guilt aside and do it anyway (out of a sheer need to simply feel normal that day) so yes, she will likely be a threat to wedding guests.
It's obvious you care about your cousin. But until she has shown herself to be committed to her recovery she really shouldn't be invited to the wedding. I've been sober since February 2007 and I'm sure it took several months, if not at least a year, for my family to trust me again.
She'll be in my thoughts.

@acove2006 - I have goosebumps just reading your reply and that you have been clean since 2007. Good for you!! I am always overjoyed to learn of someone's sobriety when they are an addict and/or alcoholic. I am truly excited for you and wish you a wonderful life. My brother was clean and sober for 15 years and he was always my best friend. It was devastating when he decided he didn't need to work a program or have a sponsor because "he could do it alone." Well, that didn't work out so well and we lost him.

I am truly, truly excited for you!

crunchymamaof2 · November 2013

acove2006 said:

I tend to agree with the other ladies here who have said not to invite her if she's actively using at the time of the wedding.
Like kmmsgg I am heavily experienced with addiction, the difference being I myself battled with it. Unfortunately, if she's been in and out of many of the same style rehabs (we call them spin dry rehabs) she'll likely need a different approach to sober up. I do hope that doesn't end up being the case for her. kmmsgg is also right that she'll never sober up until she ditches the boyfriend. I wouldn't allow him near your wedding with a ten foot pole. I had a boyfriend like that and he did steal everytime we were at my families' homes and I know for a fact he wouldn't have hesitated at a wedding. I had a hard time stealing from family, but you do get to a point where you shove the guilt aside and do it anyway (out of a sheer need to simply feel normal that day) so yes, she will likely be a threat to wedding guests.
It's obvious you care about your cousin. But until she has shown herself to be committed to her recovery she really shouldn't be invited to the wedding. I've been sober since February 2007 and I'm sure it took several months, if not at least a year, for my family to trust me again.
She'll be in my thoughts.

@acove2006 - I have goosebumps just reading your reply and that you have been clean since 2007. Good for you!! I am always overjoyed to learn of someone's sobriety when they are an addict and/or alcoholic. I am truly excited for you and wish you a wonderful life. My brother was clean and sober for 15 years and he was always my best friend. It was devastating when he decided he didn't need to work a program or have a sponsor because "he could do it alone." Well, that didn't work out so well and we lost him.

I am truly, truly excited for you!

stuck in the box @kssmgg thank you very much. I'm extremely proud of myself :-)

crunchymamaof2 · November 2013

@kssmgg I'm also very sorry about your brother

kmmssg · November 2013

@acove2006 - thank you.

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