New Jersey

Wedding Day time frame

Hi everybody,

I just had a heated argument with my mom about the time frame of our wedding.  Here's what we have planned as of now.

I am getting ready at my mom's house in Roxbury.
Our ceremony is at my church in Basking Ridge at 1pm (30 minutes from Roxbury), followed by pictures.
The reception is at David's Country Inn in Hackettstown (40 - 45 minutes from Basking Ridge)

We do not want first look pictures ... because we don't.
We want to have a private cocktail hour for 1/2 the time, and then join our guests for the rest. 
The hotel is about 30 - 40 minutes from the church, but 15 minutes from the reception hall.
We want to take pictures in and around the church (there is a cute little park across the street) for about an hour and then also at David's Country Inn. 
Guests can check into the hotel in between the ceremony and the reception. There will be a hospitality area available for them to hang out, grab a drink and relax before catching the shuttle to the reception.

We currently have the ceremony scheduled at 1pm and the reception at 5:30pm. This gives us approximately 1:00 to 1:25 to take pictures in Basking Ridge, 45 minutes to drive to Hackettstown and then 1:00 - 1:25 to take pictures at the reception site. With a little bit of wiggle room in case things don't go exactly according to plan ... and maybe a little time to relax thrown in there.

  • My mom is saying this is inconsiderate to our guests and we need to move the time of the ceremony by 1 or 2 hours so that the guests don't have to wait.
  • She is insisting that the cocktail hour (and reception) is not for us, but a "thank you" for our guests, and that it's ok if we miss most of the cocktail hour to take pictures ... even though that's not what we want.
  • She is insisting that we do first look pictures, which we don't want, and get all family group pictures done before the ceremony (which she claims is a NJ tradition). 
  • She is insisting that asking guests to "spin their wheels" in a hospitality suite will get the party started, and everybody will eat and drink before the reception and come to the reception completely obliterated. 
  • She takes issue with asking our guests who decide to come to the ceremony to spend 12 hours (including getting ready) all dressed up for our wedding.
  • She thinks that the time span in between would cause us to lose guests - they will either go to the ceremony OR the reception, but not both. We tried to explain to her that going to only the reception is normal for people who aren't family and extremely close friends. And I've never heard of invited guests ONLY going to the ceremony.

The issue is that my mother is thinking my fiance and I are being inconsiderate to our guests and would have us change everything about our timeline in order to be, in her mind, considerate to our guests. We disagree, and think that after factoring in driving to the hotel, checking in and driving to the reception hall, our guests will really only have 1:30 free at most. We know that not everybody will be staying at the hotel, and plan to give them options and ideas about what they can do to occupy themselves in between the ceremony and reception. 

So now I'm second-guessing the decisions the my fiance and I made a couple months ago about our timeline, and I'm looking for feedback. Am I completely overestimating how much time pictures and travel (and misc.) will take in between the ceremony and reception? Should we reconsider our timeline in order to make sure our guests have limited free time? 
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Re: Wedding Day time frame

  • It is very rude to have such a huge gap between ceremony and reception.  Asking your guests to hang at the hotel until its time to head to the reception is rude as well.  And I don't agree with having a private cocktail hour.  Your mom is right, cocktail hour and the reception is a thank you to your guests who are coming to spend this day with you.

     And as for first look photos being done before, that is not a NJ tradition.  But it wouldn't hurt to take the family photos beforehand, just don't take any with FI.
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  • Yeah, hate to say it - but think your mom is right for the most part. Though if you don't want first look pictures - there's no need to do it. In order not to be rushed, you could take all of your separate pictures before the ceremony so during the cocktail hour you are basically just taking your pictures with your fiance and a few with the full combined family.
  • I agree with your mom for almost everything. (Just browsed)

    The time gaps and locations gaps between each event is way to much. As a guest, I would probably just attend the reception (and I know that is a super rude thing to do.)  

    I also don't think you should have a "1/2 private cocktail hour." The day goes by so quickly. You should spend time with as many guests as you possibly can. There are other times that you will be alone with your husband.

    It may be too late, but can you do the ceremony and reception at the same place? Can you take pictures at the reception location so you will at least be near your guests?  
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  • Our church ceremony is at 1pm and our cocktail hour/reception starts at 6pm.  Originally we weren't going to have a church ceremony, but since FMIL insisted we have a church ceremony AND an evening reception, we went with it.  It helps US from not having to rush too much the morning of and we have time to take pictures between the ceremony and reception.  A lot of our family is coming from out of town, so those that don't make the ceremony, can go check into the hotel where the reception is located.  I do not think that it is rude to have a gap between ceremony/reception.  It gives people time to travel to the reception location, and with NJ traffic being spastic, it's perfectly acceptable.  The distance between my church and reception location is about 30 minutes on a good day (maybe 45 with traffic) so being that the ceremony will be done around 2pm, those that are immediate family stay for pictures at the church so they won't be leaving the church until after 230pm. Knowing my extended family, they'll probably go to the hotel to check in and chill out.  A lot of my extended family are 'older' so it takes them more time to get places.

    Your mom is right about the 1/2 hour private cocktail.  It's one thing to have a separate room for the bridal party (which we have) but it's another to spend 1/2 your time in there.  I'll be using our separate room to have 1 drink with my bridal party and to munch on some food for about 10 minutes but will be spending the rest of the time with my guests in the cocktail hour.  We will then head back to the private room about 5-10 minutes before the reception starts as to clean up and touch up makeup, etc. so we are top notch before being introduced into the reception.  

    After figuring out our timeline, we realize that while we have this HUGE gap between the ceremony and reception, we also have to travel quite a way to get to any location to take pictures.  We're getting married in Polish Trenton, so there aren't any parks near by.  We have to drive to either Sayen Gardens or Princeton University to get pictures done.  That takes about 20 or so minutes to get to (with traffic on Rt. 1).  Then we only have about an hour or so to take pictures so we can arrive at the hotel a little early to check in and take pictures at the reception location. 

    Good luck. 
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  • I dont think it's "rude" to have a large gap. Well, maybe a little bit.

    I would not go to the ceremony though. I notice most church ceremonies dont have many guests especially when there will be a large gap. I would only go to both if you are close family or a best friend.
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  • I agree with your mom, large gaps are extremely inconsiderate.  I get adding a little cushion into your timeline just in case of traffic given it's in NJ, but not that much time.  People might not say it to your face, but they may be annoyed and talk behind your back during the wedding. 

    I'm used to gaps so I don't make a big deal about them at the event but the last two weddings I've been to with gaps in NJ/NY, I heard several comments at each (even from people i didn't even know!) about how much it sucked.  And when my group of friends talks about each wedding after the fact, the gap often gets mentioned (in a bad way).

    I also always go to the ceremony but can tell you in my experience when there's a big gap, the attendance at the ceremony is impacted.  I know people will tell you that family/friends won't skip such an important event, but the last wedding I went to with a gap 1pm ceremony, 6pm cocktail hour only had about 50 people total at the ceremony of the 150 or so that showed up at the reception.  It's not the first wedding where I've noticed a big difference.

    If you're comfortable with the fact that some people won't come to the ceremony and others might be annoyed, then do what you want.  People will think you're rude.
  • bradypsu said:
    I agree with your mom, large gaps are extremely inconsiderate.  I get adding a little cushion into your timeline just in case of traffic given it's in NJ, but not that much time.  People might not say it to your face, but they may be annoyed and talk behind your back during the wedding. 

    I'm used to gaps so I don't make a big deal about them at the event but the last two weddings I've been to with gaps in NJ/NY, I heard several comments at each (even from people i didn't even know!) about how much it sucked.  And when my group of friends talks about each wedding after the fact, the gap often gets mentioned (in a bad way).

    I also always go to the ceremony but can tell you in my experience when there's a big gap, the attendance at the ceremony is impacted.  I know people will tell you that family/friends won't skip such an important event, but the last wedding I went to with a gap 1pm ceremony, 6pm cocktail hour only had about 50 people total at the ceremony of the 150 or so that showed up at the reception.  It's not the first wedding where I've noticed a big difference.

    If you're comfortable with the fact that some people won't come to the ceremony and others might be annoyed, then do what you want.  People will think you're rude.
    1st bolded statement - I can definitely say that if there is an accident on the turnpike (anywhere on the turnpike) traffic on surrounding highways is greatly affected.  Just recently there was a nasty accident on the turnpike that caused 195/129/29/Route 1/295/95 all to bottleneck for HOURS!  So, having a gap, is not going to kill anyone...so what if they talk about it behind OP back? It's HER day.

    Second statement: I've been to weddings where the attendance at the ceremony is less then the attendance at the reception....for a couple of reasons A)Religious ceremony (IE, jewish/catholic/greek etc) and non-religious people not wanting to attend such a ceremony B)location & timing of ceremony - some may have to work on a saturday morning no matter how much they tried to get out of it... C) guests with children that aren't invited to the wedding...they probably have to wait for the sitter and don't want to pay for 9 hours of babysitting.  

    Personally, I don't care if people talk about my wedding and the gap between ceremony/reception.  They're attending because they want to celebrate the joyous occasion.  If they can't handle the timeframe, they don't have to come.  Period.
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  • I disagree, once you start inviting people to a wedding, it's not just the bride's day.  As a reception is a thank you to your guests for attending the ceremony, these guests should also be a consideration in planning.  I get that you're also having a gap so you're going to defend the poster.  I'm just saying that etiquette wise gaps are considered rude.

    I've been to many with gaps, and I have stated that I still go to the entire event.  Am I always thrilled about having a huge gap and agree with their choice...no.   I think that in some social circles it's more common, but the fact that her mom is expressing these concerns might mean that she knows that it's frowned upon by those in her (and the bride's) circle.

    I suggest OP post on the etiquette board to get some honest feedback about the timeline.  There are lots of brides from this area that post on that board. 
  • Those who care to come to the ceremony will. Those who don't won't.  The end.  Having time for pictures IS important when you have paid as much as you have for your photographer.  

    I cannot tell you how many times I went to early wedding ceremonies, went home to change and then headed out to late receptions.  I didn't care that the time was separated by so much because its not my day.  I went to the ceremonies of those I was close to to watch the marriage ceremony.  If I couldn't make it so be it.  I went to the celebrations to celebrate those who just exchanged vows.  I could care less hte time between the ceremony & reception because it was on me to figure out what to do with that time if I wanted to attend both.

    I think your mother worries very much about what people will say when in reality the day flies and she woulnd't even realize the huge time difference.  I say stick with your plan.
  • Those who care to come to the ceremony will. Those who don't won't.  The end.  Having time for pictures IS important when you have paid as much as you have for your photographer.  

    I cannot tell you how many times I went to early wedding ceremonies, went home to change and then headed out to late receptions.  I didn't care that the time was separated by so much because its not my day.  I went to the ceremonies of those I was close to to watch the marriage ceremony.  If I couldn't make it so be it.  I went to the celebrations to celebrate those who just exchanged vows.  I could care less hte time between the ceremony & reception because it was on me to figure out what to do with that time if I wanted to attend both.

    I think your mother worries very much about what people will say when in reality the day flies and she woulnd't even realize the huge time difference.  I say stick with your plan.
    You can have pictures and not have a gap.  It's called a cocktail hour.  And if you want even more photos, take them before the ceremony.  

    I've also never heard of anyone changing between the ceremony and reception.  I wear the same dress.  I don't want to go home.  It's a inconsiderate, rude and a waste of my time.

    We had the ceremony, went straight into cocktail hour and then into the reception.  I have more pictures than I ever imagined.  My guests were hosted properly and their time was respected.  It's not hard.  
  • JoanE2012JoanE2012 member
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    edited November 2013
    bradypsu said:
    I agree with your mom, large gaps are extremely inconsiderate.  I get adding a little cushion into your timeline just in case of traffic given it's in NJ, but not that much time.  People might not say it to your face, but they may be annoyed and talk behind your back during the wedding. 

    I'm used to gaps so I don't make a big deal about them at the event but the last two weddings I've been to with gaps in NJ/NY, I heard several comments at each (even from people i didn't even know!) about how much it sucked.  And when my group of friends talks about each wedding after the fact, the gap often gets mentioned (in a bad way).

    I also always go to the ceremony but can tell you in my experience when there's a big gap, the attendance at the ceremony is impacted.  I know people will tell you that family/friends won't skip such an important event, but the last wedding I went to with a gap 1pm ceremony, 6pm cocktail hour only had about 50 people total at the ceremony of the 150 or so that showed up at the reception.  It's not the first wedding where I've noticed a big difference.

    If you're comfortable with the fact that some people won't come to the ceremony and others might be annoyed, then do what you want.  People will think you're rude.
    1st bolded statement - I can definitely say that if there is an accident on the turnpike (anywhere on the turnpike) traffic on surrounding highways is greatly affected.  Just recently there was a nasty accident on the turnpike that caused 195/129/29/Route 1/295/95 all to bottleneck for HOURS!  So, having a gap, is not going to kill anyone...so what if they talk about it behind OP back? It's HER day.

    Second statement: I've been to weddings where the attendance at the ceremony is less then the attendance at the reception....for a couple of reasons A)Religious ceremony (IE, jewish/catholic/greek etc) and non-religious people not wanting to attend such a ceremony B)location & timing of ceremony - some may have to work on a saturday morning no matter how much they tried to get out of it... C) guests with children that aren't invited to the wedding...they probably have to wait for the sitter and don't want to pay for 9 hours of babysitting.  

    Personally, I don't care if people talk about my wedding and the gap between ceremony/reception.  They're attending because they want to celebrate the joyous occasion.  If they can't handle the timeframe, they don't have to come.  Period.
    False.  Once you invite guests, the day is no longer yours (PS, there is a groom too).  If all you care about is yourselves, elope.
  • The reality is that, "back in the day", the cocktail hour only existed so that your guests would have a place to go while you went off and took your pictures.  You weren't seen by your guests again until you made your grand entrance at the start of the reception.

    So the cocktail hour isn't a thank-you for your guests.  You as their host are not only entertaining them but ensuring that they don't spend time sitting around with their thumb up their butts while they wait for the king and queen to finish taking ther pictures.  

    Fast forward to today and now every couple wants to attend their own cocktail hour and mingle with their guests before the reception.  Well, okay, me too.  But that doesn't mean I'm not going to give everyone a place to go, have a seat, get a little bite to eat, etc., until I'm ready to show up because I want to take picutres.

    I see there are varying takes on this, but I think a long break is 100% inconsiderate of your guests who went to trouble and expense to attend; I'd even consider it rude and would never do this.

    Maybe you need to take portraits at only one location intsead of two.  Maybe you need to think about taking fewer really really good photos instead of bunches of rushed ones.  Maybe you need to think about missing more if not all of your cocktail hour.  Maybe you spring for a 90 minute cocktail hour.

    At the end of the day, especially assuming your mother is paying for it, she is the host and is feeling embarrased because you're asking her to do something that according to her sensibilities is rude.  Others would agree and I would not do that to my mother.

  • In terms of strict etiquette, having any gap longer than the time it takes for your guests to go from ceremony to reception is incredibly rude.

    Sometimes it's less egregious, but you need to provide some sort of hosted activity for your guests in that time.

    For example, when my fiance and I get married next year, we will be building in time to allow our guests to check into the hotel in between the ceremony and reception (most will be coming in from out of town and will not have had time to do so before the ceremony, as the hotels in the area don't allow check-in until 330/4). The church, hotel, and reception are all within about 10-20 minutes of each other depending on traffic. We will be providing some sort of bar/snack set up during that time as well as a shuttle from the hotel to the reception, so people don't have to drive. We also will be doing a first look so we can get most of our photos out of the way before the ceremony to cut down on that time.

    There's no getting around that this may be considered rude by some people, but I think there is a balance that can be achieved, providing you offer things to do for people who don't need the time to check in prior to cocktail hour starting. So, either  play 100% by etiquette and avoid any gossip, or don't and accept it. Good luck!
  • I think anyone calling a gap "rude" is ridiculous and probably not religious. Most churches are having ceremonies and masses earlier now to allow parishioners to come in for confession at 3pm. Enless you want your cocktail hour starting at 4pm, there's a gap - whether you like it or not. It's not the bride and grooms fault. The church makes the rules so stop the gossiping about gaps. If you don't like it, don't attend those weddings. ;-)

  • FutureMrsGallo921 said:
    I think anyone calling a gap "rude" is ridiculous and probably not religious. Most churches are having ceremonies and masses earlier now to allow parishioners to come in for confession at 3pm. Enless you want your cocktail hour starting at 4pm, there's a gap - whether you like it or not. It's not the bride and grooms fault. The church makes the rules so stop the gossiping about gaps. If you don't like it, don't attend those weddings. ;-)
    If the time of the ceremony is being dictated by the church, that's another story. But if you read the thread, most commenters aren't saying that the "gap" is rude - it's the "gap" without anything for the guests to do that is rude.
    Yes - sometimes the timing doesn't work out perfectly where you just go straight from the ceremony to the cocktail hour. But you do have to think about your guests and make sure that there is something to do in that time. Especially if you are purposefully creating a longer gap so you can take more pictures. Once the ceremony is over - it's not really about you anymore. It's about your guests and you being a host to them.
  • I think anyone calling a gap "rude" is ridiculous and probably not religious. Most churches are having ceremonies and masses earlier now to allow parishioners to come in for confession at 3pm. Enless you want your cocktail hour starting at 4pm, there's a gap - whether you like it or not. It's not the bride and grooms fault. The church makes the rules so stop the gossiping about gaps. If you don't like it, don't attend those weddings. ;-)
    The bolded---Not true at all.  I was raised Catholic (as was my husband) and continue to be a practicing Catholic. I had a full Catholic mass wedding.  I didn't have a gap.  My priority was having my wedding in the church, and I worked my wedding day timeline around it. I still had an evening reception, mine just ended at 10:30 pm (then we had an after party for those wanting to stay out).  My priority was to have my wedding in the church and to host my guests properly. As a result, I found a balance.  People have priorities, and some people don't consider their guests as high on the list, which is unfortunate.


  • AmandaNWP said:
    If the time of the ceremony is being dictated by the church, that's another story. But if you read the thread, most commenters aren't saying that the "gap" is rude - it's the "gap" without anything for the guests to do that is rude.
    OP here. 

    This is my take as well. Here are a few things that are driving my thinking.

    1) My mother is NOT paying for the wedding. We are, with help from a generous contribution from my father, who considers the money a wedding gift, and does not view himself as host. (My parents are divorced.)

    2) My mother (as well as a lot of comments above) failed to take into consideration the time it takes to drive from one place to the next. 

    3) We have "compromised" with my mother by moving the ceremony to 1:30 instead of 1:00. My FI is not entirely comfortable with this, and his family is of the opinion that it will be cutting the timeline pretty close (especially if something unforseen happens). 

    4) We will be providing guests with things to do. We have the use of the reception venue all day. They are willing to open the bar 45min - 1hr early (as a cash bar) to accommodate guests during the gap. We are also thinking of other options.

    5) A similar thing happened with FI's cousin (large gap between ceremony/reception). People had an issue with it, but after exploring the reason WHY they took issue, I discovered it was because guests weren't given options about what they could do with their time in the interim, and not because of the time itself. 




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