Is there a polite way to ask if our families are helping with wedding finances?

afterimage · November 2013

Shortly after becoming engaged, my parents straight up told us how much money they are contributing towards our wedding. Although they are paying for a good portion of our wedding, I feel truly lucky that they don't want to try to control our wedding. They have simply requested that we invite a few of their friends, people who we would have probably invited anyhow.

My FMIL has suggested that she will pay for her family and the guests she would like to invite. Her list is more extensive than the requests my parents have made, and also consists of people who we do not know as well and would not have otherwise chosen to invite. I do not mind inviting them if she truly will pay for them, but she has not really given us any indication of how much money she is willing to pay per guest. With extra guests, I feel that everything adds up quickly - more invites, more food, more alcohol, more tables and linens and centrepieces, etc. She does not have a lot of money, and so I would really not be surprised if she could not offer much money to help with wedding costs, and I also fear that she will back out of paying after the guests have been invited, or not pay enough to cover the cost of them.

Is there any polite way to ask her how much she will contribute? We would really like to know soon so that we can settle some of our budgeting details. I feel that she has been reluctant to make any definite commitments so far.

misssunshine17 · November 2013

No, there is no way to ask out right. I think you can work into conversation that you are looking at budgets/cost per guest etc, but don't say anything outright or ask. If she doesn't respond immediately, you basically know she won't contribute. Especially since you feel she has been reluctant, don't count on anything until you cash a check. So many brides come here saying, my parents promised X dollars and now they won't give it and we already basically spent it. You do not want that to happen to you. I would leave her out of it, invite who you want and pay for it yourself.

AddieCake · November 2013

I'm going to disagree with MissSunshine a bit here. My father told me he would pay for our wedding. When it came time to start planning, I came right out and asked him for a budget. I think when someone has straight up TOLD you they are contributing, there is nothing wrong with being straightforward in asking about/discussing budget. If she suddenly hems and haws and has no answers, then move on and assume she's not helping.

rvg22 · November 2013

Assume they are not helping. If people really want to contribute, they will offer.

But it is honestly easier if they don't contribute....then you can plan the wedding you want with the guest list you want and you can politely ignore demands to the contrary.

misssunshine17 · November 2013

AddieL73 said:

I'm going to disagree with MissSunshine a bit here. My father told me he would pay for our wedding. When it came time to start planning, I came right out and asked him for a budget. I think when someone has straight up TOLD you they are contributing, there is nothing wrong with being straightforward in asking about/discussing budget. If she suddenly hems and haws and has no answers, then move on and assume she's not helping.

I guess I do understand this. I suppose since she's opened the door, I guess that's that I meant by working it into conversation. I guess I just see it as something you need to ask with tact (not to say you didn't, Addie) I do stand by the fact to not plan on anything until you have cash in hand since it's very easy to sign contracts for vendors you can't afford without the promised financial help.

aurorajanette · November 2013

I agree with Addie. Although I think that perhaps your FI should be the one speaking to her about this, since it is his mother.

thelastdreamer · November 2013

I would assume she is not giving any money. Figure out how many guests you can invite total and figure out how many you can give her. Then say "My parents have graciously agreed to pay for X guests. We have given you X number. Please give me your list at your convenience." If she complains it's not enough, politely say that is what your parents can afford and is in your budget. That I think gives the hint that if she wants more people, she has to cough up, without saying it outright.

triciaandkenswedding · November 2013

I would have FI talk to her something like we are looking into booking, the price per person is X, so your list you gave us is Y. Please let us know if you will be able to pay that because we don't want to book a venue too big or small.

huskypuppy14 · November 2013

Yes what others said, have your FI talk to her. My parents told me the amount they were giving us, and his parents told him. I think it's more comfortable for everyone that way. We have a similar issue, in that my parents are contributing much more money (which is fine) but FMIL is insisting we invite certain people. She gave us a list, and though it was over the allotted amount we gave her, we said it was fine, because we can afford it. Now she wants to invite more friends, and we told her no. It was hard, because she would casually say, oh we may want to add more people, and we pretty much bean dipped her, but then we flat out said no. It's hard, but if people are not paying they don't get a say. And even if they are paying for a portion, the don't get unlimited say.

ETA: typing issues

mrs4everhart · November 2013

There's a huge difference between asking someone for money and opening a dialogue about funds previously offered. If it's the former, no, there's no polite way to go about that. If it's the latter you are well within rights to want to get your budget squared away and will have to have some frank discussions in order to achieve that. Your FI should approach his family, you should approach yours.

AddieCake · November 2013

rvg22 said:

Assume they are not helping. If people really want to contribute, they will offer.

But it is honestly easier if they don't contribute....then you can plan the wedding you want with the guest list you want and you can politely ignore demands to the contrary.

This is not a one size fits all. It is not always "better" if they don't help. My dad paid for everything and had only 2 simple requests. He felt very strongly that even though it was his money, it was not his wedding.

southernbelle0915 · November 2013

I agree with @AddieL73. If she has offered to pay for these people, I think its fine to have a conversation with her about what she is willing to pay so that you can plan accordingly. Your FI should be the one to have this conversation with her - not you. I would also be clear with her that you cannot plan to invite these extra people without the money in your bank account. It's not advised to plan based on financial promises no matter how much love/faith you have.

Until she actually writes you a check, I would plan like you don't have the money. That may mean allowing her a certain number of slots. My DH's family did not contribute financially to our wedding and wanted to invite over 50 extra people. We gave them a certain number of slots and told them it was all we could afford with the budget we were working with. It left the door open if they wanted to pay for the extra people. They didn't so we left it at that.

HisGirlFriday13 · November 2013

I ditto Addie. If she has offered, I think you're fine to say to her, through FI, 'FMIL, the cost per guest is $X. At that cost, how many of your friends can you afford to/do you want to invite?'

If you plan on inviting any of her friends without asking her to pay for them, tell her that, too.

I ditto southernbelle, too, in saying that they can invite X people based on your budget, leaving the door open for them to offer to pay for extra people.

But if your FMIL keeps making demands without offering to pay for the demands or guests, you're free to disregard those requests (within reason).

ETA: Fix smarty-pants phone typos.

kgd7357 · November 2013

My parents gave me an amount they were willing to help us out with, which would have covered between 40-50 guests. Then when I got my mom's guest list it had 100 people on it! I ended up telling here that she had to cut back to no more than 60. She couldn't get down below 80, so my parents ended up adding more money to cover the extra guests. I think this strategy works really well, and other posters have mentioned something similar.

At one point I did tell my mother that my FI would cut out all 20 of his family members to make room for her random friends. I do not recommend this. She felt really bad when I said that and so did I.

afterimage · November 2013

Thank you everyone - I really appreciate the advice. I would definitely have my FI discuss this with his mother. I feel like I am stressing about it too much - we do still have some time before we need to know for sure. I feel a bit more calm now. Thank you all.

Is there a polite way to ask if our families are helping with wedding finances?

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