What would you do?

bride2b71614 · November 2013

So, as you know my FI's cousin has been quite an asshat. I have tried to avoid him. I have tried to let his comments go into one ear and at the other, but his comments, and his craziness have slowly been eating away at me. He hasn't apologized for his god awful comments he made about me and our future child. A week ago, I put on my big girl panties and extended an olive branch by offering to host his future wife a bridal shower (none of the other family members have offered due to their reservations about their relationship). I called the cousin, and spoke with him for a few minutes, he was very vague about his response, so I said he could get back to me when it was more convenient. A few minutes after getting off the phone, I receive a snarky text saying that I should mind my own damn business, and even if the offer was valid they would never take it. I can understand his frustration. The entire family has shat on their relationship and even though they appear to be supportive everyone is saying horrible things behind their back, but its not a valid excuse for the way he behaved towards me.

So here is where it gets sticky. Thanksgiving is coming up, this year my FI is spending the holidays with my family. The Saturday after Thanksgiving, his side of the family (specifically the parents of the crazy cousin), are hosting an impromptu Thanksgiving at their house. Everyone is invited. I am extremely reluctant to attend because I am hormonal, and I am unsure if I will be able to hold my tongue if the cousin says something nasty. While I love my FI and the rest of his family, I don't want to say something I will regret or do something stupid. Should I just put my pride aside and go? Or should I stay home? What would you do in this situation?

bethsmiles · November 2013

This guy sounds awful, I'm so sorry you have to deal with him! I would probably go and just make sure to avoid the asshat cousin while I was there. However, it also depends on how I was feeling the day of. If you wake up in the morning and just don't want to go, I don't think you should feel obligated to.

psychbabe314 · November 2013

Aw! What a jerk! I'll hold him down and you can punch!

But, in all seriousness, you probably should go. Make sure your FI is aware of the situation and maybe he and another family member can run interference for you. But, if you really don't want to go you can just say that you aren't feeling well and stay home. I agree with bethsmiles with seeing how you feel the day of. That way, if you cancel a few hours before everyone will think it is just normal pregnancy stuff.

bride2b71614 · November 2013

The thing is I was raised to be cordial even in the face of asshatness. I feel almost as though I am being petty because I just want to avoid the cousin, not the entire family. I also feel bad for a separate reason. I know something about the cousin that most of FI's family members don't know besides his immediate family and grandma. Lets call the cousin T. Two summers ago, I offered to hang out with T to help clean his room. While doing so I came across a hospital band, discharge papers, as well as a manual from a treatment facility center for patients who self harm and or have suicidal intent. T saw that I had the papers before I could drop them. T told me what happened, and that he was having a really hard time. I said that he could call FI and I whenever, and that we were there for him. Shortly after we hung out the relationship with T and his FI began. As T's relationship with his FI became serious (two weeks after they initiated contact online), T discontinued all forms of therapeutic treatment (including medication). I feel terrible because I know he can't help it. At times I am unable to separate his symptoms from his behavior because I take it personally. Maybe he's trying to be hurtful, maybe he isn't but I guess I don't want to make the effort to figure it out because I am butthurt. I just feel like a terrible person right now.

bethsmiles · November 2013

Your mental health matters every bit as much as his does. It sucks that he's gone through shit in the past and that he's probably still going through some of that. But you don't have to be his personal punching bag. You need to make choices that are good for you and not feel guilty about it. He has options - he can get professional help, reach out to family members or friends (or hey his FI!). Just because you know about it doesn't mean that you need to feel responsible for his well-being because you just can't put that on yourself.

As far as being cordial, I don't think skipping this event would be non-cordial. You aren't being rude by not accepting an invitation.

bride2b71614 · November 2013

I wish T's FI was supportive. His immediate family attempted to conduct an intervention but it failed royally. T became very defensive lashed out and said that his FI is all he needs to get better, and she agrees. @Bethsmiles I am with you on this, I can't be someone's punching bag but I am going to take your advice and see how I feel the day of. If I feel particularly cranky, snarky, bitchy, etc. waking up the day of, I will pull the pregnancy card, because I can (even though I am attempting to do it as little as possible).

CLoGreenEyes · November 2013

I have nothing much to add because PPs covered it all! Your feelings matter, and while it's very admirable that you continue to be cordial and reach out to him, it's important that you not overextend yourself in this regard. Sometimes a little distance can give someone perspective, almost as much as being shown kindness and understanding. Definitely a good idea to see how you feel that day. Probably it will be just fine, as hopefully things will have cooled off for you both by that Saturday, but if not, I'm sure everyone will understand. *hugs*

psychbabe314 · November 2013

@bride2b71614, I can tell you from personal experience that sometimes you can't do anything to help. He is a full grown adult. I wish that things were different between you two! You aren't a terrible person for getting upset with him! He has the choice to get help, but he does not get it. Unfortunately, that happens. It sucks that his FI is a part of that. She should be wanting him to improve himself! Not be dragging him down.

beanbot2002 · November 2013

I'm sorry that you're having to deal with this. Its sucky all around.

I don't know if anyone has touched on this, but if 'T' were to say something asshatish, HE's the one that's going to look bad, not you. As many have said, if you're not feeling up to it, don't go. You are in no way obligated to attend. The most important thing right now is your health and the health of your baby. If you experience extreme levels of stress, it can cause the baby to feel that stress. Try to do whatever you can to remain calm.

Hugs to you!

Ollie08 · November 2013

I ditto @beanbot2002. Considering even his own family agrees he's being an asshat in general, you are definitely not going to be left alone to defend yourself. I am pretty sure that if 'T' were to act like a douche, he'd be put in his place by the family. I would try and stick it out the best I could. And don't let the thought of the gathering eat you up inside. Is it possible that 'T' and his FI won't even be there since they're on the outs with the family?

bride2b71614 · November 2013

Thank you so much! As of now I am trying to focus more on my family's thanksgiving (my cousin is also pregnant), and everyone is excited. I am going to take your advice and see what I feel on that Saturday. I'll let you know how it goes.

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