Just Engaged and Proposals

MOMzilla

Hey fellow brides to be!!
I was engaged in the end of May and the last 5 months have been absolutely nuts!! I had no idea what kind of beasts would be born as a result of our engagement. This engagement has brought out the worst out of my mom! I'm not sure how to handle it. From the moment we got engaged, she has been planning this wedding and most of which has happened without me or my fiance! First- my mom insisted on throwing an engagement party. I asked her to hold off on any plans until we discussed with my fiance's family (most of which aren't local and would have to travel). Then she starts with the messages. Messages ALL hours of the night (12am, 3am, ect..) "do you like this?", "what do you think about that?" ect...She purchased gifts for my bridesmaids....before I even determined who they were! I explained to her multiple times the importance of my fiance and I planning this together and that she is excluding him and me from the process when she starts planning things without us. I explained that while her ideas are much appreciated, we really need her to focus on compiling a guest list with addresses, phone numbers, and emails. She agreed to help with the guest list and later told me she wasn't able to open excel and so she couldn't help with the guest list, but that she'd start contacting wedding planners. Call me short tempered, but this all caused me to snap and tell her that she already had her wedding, this isn't her wedding and my fiance and I will be handling the plans from here on out (which is what we wanted in the first place). She stopped contact with me for weeks. During this time we started planning the engagement party. Booked the location, picked a caterer, started looking at decor and whatnot and after a couple days of compiling addresses and contact info of our friends and families, we sent out the evite. Just a couple days later she sends me pictures of decorations she's bought- I asked her to return them because they don't match what we have in mind. Then she goes on and on about renting linens and dishes. I explained to her that we are on a budget and were planning on keeping things simple with nice disposable table cloths and dishes. My fiance's aunt had some great ideas for centerpieces that we decided to go with. Once my mom heard about that, the next day she decided to go pick up her own stuff for centerpieces. Fiance's aunt also volunteered to do the cupcake stand/table. So my mom went out and bought stuff for a cupcake stand and other decor for the cupcake table. I warned her that we already had all of that figured out and that Fiance's aunt was buying all this for the party. The day of the engagement party my mom starts setting up her cupcake stand and moments later my fiance's aunt walks through the door with all this stuff for the cupcake stand. She was obviously offended (and rightfully so) and asks me "I thought I was doing the cupcake stand". I was completely mortified. From then on out, his aunt was all upset and started to really take it out on my mom. Normally, I would step in, however, I thought it was a fair lesson for her to learn...

Anyways, I'm really concerned about how she will behave with the wedding planning. Thank goodness we are planning a destination wedding, somewhere she has never been and with a wedding planner! However, I'm still not convinced she will  just step back and let the wedding planner plan our wedding how we would like it to be planned. Also concerned with her taking over other pre-wedding events. Not only because we have different taste, but because she doesn't have a job and it really causes problems between her and my dad when she spends money she shouldn't spend! Ugh. 

Any tips on how to tame the zilla out of my mom??? 

Re: MOMzilla

  • a wolff said:
    Hey fellow brides to be!!
    I was engaged in the end of May and the last 5 months have been absolutely nuts!! I had no idea what kind of beasts would be born as a result of our engagement. This engagement has brought out the worst out of my mom! I'm not sure how to handle it. From the moment we got engaged, she has been planning this wedding and most of which has happened without me or my fiance! First- my mom insisted on throwing an engagement party. I asked her to hold off on any plans until we discussed with my fiance's family (most of which aren't local and would have to travel). Then she starts with the messages. Messages ALL hours of the night (12am, 3am, ect..) "do you like this?", "what do you think about that?" ect...She purchased gifts for my bridesmaids....before I even determined who they were! I explained to her multiple times the importance of my fiance and I planning this together and that she is excluding him and me from the process when she starts planning things without us. I explained that while her ideas are much appreciated, we really need her to focus on compiling a guest list with addresses, phone numbers, and emails. She agreed to help with the guest list and later told me she wasn't able to open excel and so she couldn't help with the guest list, but that she'd start contacting wedding planners. Call me short tempered, but this all caused me to snap and tell her that she already had her wedding, this isn't her wedding and my fiance and I will be handling the plans from here on out (which is what we wanted in the first place). She stopped contact with me for weeks. During this time we started planning the engagement party. Booked the location, picked a caterer, started looking at decor and whatnot and after a couple days of compiling addresses and contact info of our friends and families, we sent out the evite. Just a couple days later she sends me pictures of decorations she's bought- I asked her to return them because they don't match what we have in mind. Then she goes on and on about renting linens and dishes. I explained to her that we are on a budget and were planning on keeping things simple with nice disposable table cloths and dishes. My fiance's aunt had some great ideas for centerpieces that we decided to go with. Once my mom heard about that, the next day she decided to go pick up her own stuff for centerpieces. Fiance's aunt also volunteered to do the cupcake stand/table. So my mom went out and bought stuff for a cupcake stand and other decor for the cupcake table. I warned her that we already had all of that figured out and that Fiance's aunt was buying all this for the party. The day of the engagement party my mom starts setting up her cupcake stand and moments later my fiance's aunt walks through the door with all this stuff for the cupcake stand. She was obviously offended (and rightfully so) and asks me "I thought I was doing the cupcake stand". I was completely mortified. From then on out, his aunt was all upset and started to really take it out on my mom. Normally, I would step in, however, I thought it was a fair lesson for her to learn...

    Anyways, I'm really concerned about how she will behave with the wedding planning. Thank goodness we are planning a destination wedding, somewhere she has never been and with a wedding planner! However, I'm still not convinced she will  just step back and let the wedding planner plan our wedding how we would like it to be planned. Also concerned with her taking over other pre-wedding events. Not only because we have different taste, but because she doesn't have a job and it really causes problems between her and my dad when she spends money she shouldn't spend! Ugh. 

    Any tips on how to tame the zilla out of my mom??? 
    First of all, please use paragraphs. That massive block of text is all-but-impossible to read.

    Who is paying for this wedding? If it's you and your FI, then your mother gets no say whatsoever (technically), but I think cutting her out entirely, if you have an otherwise good relationship, is a bad idea. She will (rightfully) feel hurt.

    You should sit your mom down and explain to her your overall vision for the wedding -- what you and FI are thinking, what you want, what you're envisioning, etc. Then ask her for input on specific things -- flowers, maybe, or colours, or whatever.

    I realise she's being over-bearing, but it sounds like she's coming from a place of being happy for you, so try to see it that way. If you can re-focus her frenetic energy, it might actually be helpful.
    Anniversary

    image
    I'm gonna go with 'not my circus, not my monkeys.'
    a wolff
  • Sorry about the lengthy block of text!! I see what you mean about it being difficult to read. I'll make sure to use paragraphs :)

    My FI and I are paying for it. I'd like her to be involved, I just feel like she doesn't listen/consider what we want for our wedding. She just sort of takes her ideas and runs with them. Normally this would be fine....if we her ideas were remotely aligned with ours.

    I definitely don't want to ruin our relationship. However, I also don't want the same wedding my mom wants me to have. I'll definitely try talking to her some more and maybe even get her input on specific things.

    Thanks for the advice!

    NerdyLucy
  • KatWAGKatWAG Chicago member
    2500 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    a wolff said:
    Sorry about the lengthy block of text!! I see what you mean about it being difficult to read. I'll make sure to use paragraphs :)

    My FI and I are paying for it. I'd like her to be involved, I just feel like she doesn't listen/consider what we want for our wedding. She just sort of takes her ideas and runs with them. Normally this would be fine....if we her ideas were remotely aligned with ours.

    I definitely don't want to ruin our relationship. However, I also don't want the same wedding my mom wants me to have. I'll definitely try talking to her some more and maybe even get her input on specific things.

    Thanks for the advice!
     

    Whoever pays get the final say, so not your mom.

    I would stop shaaring details with her. And whe she tries to bring it up Bean Dip her.

    BabyFruit Ticker
    a wolffGemveg
  • Thanks Katwag! I've definitely been selective with details...what does it mean to 'Bean Dip' someone? I've seen it used on here a couple times and I'm just not sure what that means! Lol..new to all the lingo on here!
  • Bean Dipping means changing to subject to something benign no matter what. 

    Mom: "I think you must have red roses for your bouquet."
    You: "Actually, I was thinking of lilies, but I'll keep your suggestion in mind. Have you tried this bean dip?"
    Mom: "I can go buy some red rose decorations tomorrow."
    You: "No thank you, but really have you tried this bean dip, it's fantastic!"

    Just keep saying your decision and follow it up with your silly bean dip (or work or the weather or your new boots or whatever) comments.  
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    a wolff
  • huskypuppy14huskypuppy14 Boston Suburbs member
    2500 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    I realize it's too late now, but you are not supposed to plan your own engagement party. If you had let your mom plan it, she may have felt more involved. 
    However, for your wedding, if you and FI are paying for it, your Mom doesn't have a say in anything, but maybe try to include her in some of the appointments.  Let her know you have final say, but you want to include her.
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    a wolff
  • @ a wolff-I have to say, I am a bit worried about your mom.  Is this her normal mode of behavior?  If not, get her in for a physical exam soon. Sudden extremes in behavior, and oddities like messages at 3AM (if that is not her normal schedule) are big red flags.  
    If this is how she has behaved for your whole life (I've got one of those) then I am sorry you are dealing with this at the best time of your life.  Your choices are then to either sit back and let her go or do what you want and minimize her input.

    a wolff
  • Thank you all for the advice! I really appreciate the input.

    I have tried giving her specific tasks to do and she ends up doing more than what I've asked her to do :-/ her rationale being "I'm the MOB, should be doing this". But I'll give it a go again (maybe after a serious talking to).

    We weren't initially going to plan the engagement party, but with how large our families are, we didn't want to burden anyone with a huge party to plan. FI's family are not local, so it would have been difficult for them to plan anything. While my mom would have been more than happy to step up and plan the whole thing, she really doesn't have the funds to contribute and had some really costly items she wanted to add, but she ended up adding them to the party anyway. She is out of work and has been taking out of her retirement to pay for some of these items I insisted on us not having. I am hoping the same is not true for any other events leading up to the wedding and the wedding itself.

    She has always been kinda nutty and I'm thinking it's just going to be like this for the next 8 months.

    I'll try to rein her in where I can, give her super specific tasks, have another serious chat with her and I've asked for back up from my dad. Hopefully all this works!

    Thanks again ladies!!
  • AddieCakeAddieCake Beyond the Wall member
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 25 Answers
    a wolff said:
    We weren't initially going to plan the engagement party, but with how large our families are, we didn't want to burden anyone with a huge party to plan. FI's family are not local, so it would have been difficult for them to plan anything. 
    Just keep in mind moving forward with parties, that they are not required, so nobody would have been "burdened" with planning one unless they WANTED to and OFFERED you one. That goes for all the wedding-related parties. Your post reads as if you expected one. 


    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
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    PrettyGirlLost
  • It sounds like your mother's unemployment is the reason for the wedding obsession. I feel sorry for her. I guess you need to make a compromise, put her in charge of a few small things to make her feel involved.
  • AddieL73 said:


    a wolff said:

    We weren't initially going to plan the engagement party, but with how large our families are, we didn't want to burden anyone with a huge party to plan. FI's family are not local, so it would have been difficult for them to plan anything. 

    Just keep in mind moving forward with parties, that they are not required, so nobody would have been "burdened" with planning one unless they WANTED to and OFFERED you one. That goes for all the wedding-related parties. Your post reads as if you expected one. 




    They may not be required, but I absolutely wanted to have an engagement party. A good number of people aren't able to go to the wedding. We are trying to have all of the wedding related parties. Also, it would have been a huge financial burden on my family (and FIs) had they planned it.

  • It sounds like your mother's unemployment is the reason for the wedding obsession. I feel sorry for her. I guess you need to make a compromise, put her in charge of a few small things to make her feel involved.


    I agree, it's definitely sad. Good news though- found out yesterday she just started applying for jobs again :) I'm so excited for her! Bridesmaids are including her in the bridal shower planning...that should help..
  • The reason you aren't supposed to plan your own engagement party, bridal shower, bachelorette party, etc. etc. is because it comes across as very gift grabby and demanding. Like you're throwing a party and saying "Here come bring me gifts!" I know that isn't what you meant, and I'm sure you threw a lovely party with good food, etc., but just keep it in mind. People might have side-eyed you. What would have been proper is if your mother, or someone else, offered to host the party. If you wanted to give them money to offset the cost, I think that would be fine, but you shouldn't host your own party.

    Obviously it's all water under the bridge now, but just keep it in mind moving forward. No matter how much you want a bridal shower, bachelorette party, etc, it's inappropriate to throw yourself one.

    And ditto what everyone else said about not engaging your mother in conversations about the wedding.
  • I agree, I shouldn't have thrown my own engagement party. However, it wasn't a good idea to hand it over to my mom completely as she would have ended up making it cost way more than we wanted to spend (also wasn't aware that ppl were going to bring gifts). Kind of a moot point right now. I'll make note of the improperness and gladly avoid any party planning going forward :)
    PrettyGirlLostMadHops21
  • OP, you have a good attitude. Thanks for not being all "OMG YOU ARE ALL SO MEAN IF I WANT TO THROW MY OWN PARTY I WILL WHATS IT TO YOU"

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    KeptInStitchesMadHops21LizzilululuGemveg
  • PrettyGirlLostPrettyGirlLost A Land Filled with Unicorns and Cat Hair member
    5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    a wolff said:
    a wolff said:
    We weren't initially going to plan the engagement party, but with how large our families are, we didn't want to burden anyone with a huge party to plan. FI's family are not local, so it would have been difficult for them to plan anything. 
    Just keep in mind moving forward with parties, that they are not required, so nobody would have been "burdened" with planning one unless they WANTED to and OFFERED you one. That goes for all the wedding-related parties. Your post reads as if you expected one. 


    They may not be required, but I absolutely wanted to have an engagement party.  Ok, but if no one offered to host one for you then you don't get one.  Hosting your own party where you are the guest of honor comes off as AWish and gift grabby.    A good number of people aren't able to go to the wedding.   You are still inviting them to the wedding though, right?  Anyone included in pre-wedding parties must be invited to the wedding.  We are trying to have all of the wedding related parties. Also, it would have been a huge financial burden on my family (and FIs) had they planned it.  Not necessarily.  It may have been a huge financial burden on them to plan the type of party that you want, but if they wanted to host a party for you they could within their own financial means.

    a wolff said:
    I agree, I shouldn't have thrown my own engagement party. However, it wasn't a good idea to hand it over to my mom completely as she would have ended up making it cost way more than we wanted to spend (also wasn't aware that ppl were going to bring gifts). Kind of a moot point right now. I'll make note of the improperness and gladly avoid any party planning going forward :)
    Good for you.

    "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."


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