Pre-wedding Parties

Bridal Shower -- Groom's Side.

My fiancé and I live in Chicago, but his family is from outside of Detroit, MI (Where he grew up). His aunt and sister want to throw me a bridal shower back in Detroit. Who do I invite to this?? Is it just his side of the family? All of my friends and family live in Illinois, including 2 of my bridesmaids and my MOH and 2 BMs live on the west coast. Is it proper etiquette to invite all of my BMs and is it expected they travel the 6+ hours from Chicago or fly in to attend? Any wives of his friends that I would want at a shower all live in Chicago with us as well so I feel as though it's pointless to invite them as I know they will probably not make the trip.

His cousins are asking me for a guest list and I just want to make sure I'm doing everything right! :)

 

Re: Bridal Shower -- Groom's Side.

  • MobKazMobKaz Chicago suburbs member
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    The MOB is the only person that needs to be invited to all showers.

    Do you know whether you might be having another shower in Illinois?  If you are, I personally would not include your wedding party or other Illinois guests on this guest list.  It is not unusual to have separate showers representing the groom and bride's families.  


  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
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    mobkaz said:
    The MOB is the only person that needs to be invited to all showers.

    Do you know whether you might be having another shower in Illinois?  If you are, I personally would not include your wedding party or other Illinois guests on this guest list.  It is not unusual to have separate showers representing the groom and bride's families.  


    I don't agree.  One can have a shower without inviting the MOB.  Coworkers and groups do that all the time-and for that matter, so do the female relatives of grooms.
  • MobKazMobKaz Chicago suburbs member
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    Jen4948 said:
    mobkaz said:
    The MOB is the only person that needs to be invited to all showers.

    Do you know whether you might be having another shower in Illinois?  If you are, I personally would not include your wedding party or other Illinois guests on this guest list.  It is not unusual to have separate showers representing the groom and bride's families.  


    I don't agree.  One can have a shower without inviting the MOB.  Coworkers and groups do that all the time-and for that matter, so do the female relatives of grooms.
    A shower held in the workplace can be an exception, just as it is the exception to only hosting invited wedding guests.  However, it is proper and appropriate to include the MOB and MOG at all other wedding showers.  That does not mean they have to accept the invitation.  
    southernbelle0915MairePoppy
  • I am having a shower in Illinois with family and family friends, so I was leaning towards keeping them separate but always love getting the opinion of fellow brides!! :)  I just don't want to leave anyone offended!
  • MairePoppyMairePoppy Connecticut mod
    Moderator Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its
    edited November 2013
    The MOB and MOG should receive courtesy invites to all showers, except work showers. Usually the bridal party is sent invitations to all showers. They may choose to attend all, some or none. Otherwise, the guest lists shouldn't overlap. 


                       
  • UGH!!! Shoulda, woulda, coulda.  Invite whomever to want to any event you want, as often as you want.  People will attend the events they can, will send gifts when they can and will always wish you the best, if they love you.  If I get invited to more than one shower for the same bride, I give my main gift at the shower of my choice and smaller but appropriate gifts at the others I attend.  If I can't make any, or all, I still do the best I can. I don't see multiple invitations as "gift grubbing".  I see them as people who want me to join the fun. Bottom line, I love having the opportunity to share the joy of a new bride in whatever way I can.
    netskyblue2
  • UGH!!! Shoulda, woulda, coulda.  Invite whomever to want to any event you want, as often as you want.  People will attend the events they can, will send gifts when they can and will always wish you the best, if they love you.  If I get invited to more than one shower for the same bride, I give my main gift at the shower of my choice and smaller but appropriate gifts at the others I attend.  If I can't make any, or all, I still do the best I can. I don't see multiple invitations as "gift grubbing".  I see them as people who want me to join the fun. Bottom line, I love having the opportunity to share the joy of a new bride in whatever way I can.
    This is bad advice. OP - I would not just "invite whoever you want".

    First ask the hosts how many people they were thinking of hosting. If it's in their home, this could mean a smaller number of slots. Make sure anyone on the guest list for the shower is invited to the actual wedding - this is because inviting non-wedding guests is seen as gift grabby since showers are gift giving events. The only person from your side that needs to get an invite is your mom (and dad if it's a couple's shower). Otherwise, people from your side can be added dropped based on space and budget.
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  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
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    The MOB and MOG should receive courtesy invites to all showers, except work showers. Usually the bridal party is sent invitations to all showers. They may choose to attend all, some or none. Otherwise, the guest lists shouldn't overlap. 


    I don't agree.  Some people who know neither of the mothers but are friends with the bride and other people they know in common might want to host a shower.  That doesn't mean the mothers get an automatic invitation.
  • ViczaesarViczaesar Central Coast, CA member
    Ninth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    UGH!!! Shoulda, woulda, coulda.  Invite whomever to want to any event you want, as often as you want.  People will attend the events they can, will send gifts when they can and will always wish you the best, if they love you.  If I get invited to more than one shower for the same bride, I give my main gift at the shower of my choice and smaller but appropriate gifts at the others I attend.  If I can't make any, or all, I still do the best I can. I don't see multiple invitations as "gift grubbing".  I see them as people who want me to join the fun. Bottom line, I love having the opportunity to share the joy of a new bride in whatever way I can.
    You give awful advice.



  • MairePoppyMairePoppy Connecticut mod
    Moderator Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its
    Jen4948 said:
    The MOB and MOG should receive courtesy invites to all showers, except work showers. Usually the bridal party is sent invitations to all showers. They may choose to attend all, some or none. Otherwise, the guest lists shouldn't overlap. 


    I don't agree.  Some people who know neither of the mothers but are friends with the bride and other people they know in common might want to host a shower.  That doesn't mean the mothers get an automatic invitation.
    In my circle, that would be considered very rude. 

    The exceptions would be if the bride belonged to a church or organization that traditionally hosts showers for their members.
                       
  • Jen4948 said:
    The MOB and MOG should receive courtesy invites to all showers, except work showers. Usually the bridal party is sent invitations to all showers. They may choose to attend all, some or none. Otherwise, the guest lists shouldn't overlap. 


    I don't agree.  Some people who know neither of the mothers but are friends with the bride and other people they know in common might want to host a shower.  That doesn't mean the mothers get an automatic invitation.
    In my circle, that would be considered very rude. 

    The exceptions would be if the bride belonged to a church or organization that traditionally hosts showers for their members.
    This. With the exception of affiliation-type showers (e.g. thrown by co-workers at work, church members, etc.) MOB/MOGs in my family and friend circle get invited to all showers. I've never heard of them not being invited, but maybe I'm just ignorant?
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    image
    MairePoppy
  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    Eighth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    Jen4948 said:
    The MOB and MOG should receive courtesy invites to all showers, except work showers. Usually the bridal party is sent invitations to all showers. They may choose to attend all, some or none. Otherwise, the guest lists shouldn't overlap. 


    I don't agree.  Some people who know neither of the mothers but are friends with the bride and other people they know in common might want to host a shower.  That doesn't mean the mothers get an automatic invitation.
    In my circle, that would be considered very rude. 

    The exceptions would be if the bride belonged to a church or organization that traditionally hosts showers for their members.
    This. With the exception of affiliation-type showers (e.g. thrown by co-workers at work, church members, etc.) MOB/MOGs in my family and friend circle get invited to all showers. I've never heard of them not being invited, but maybe I'm just ignorant?
    I have heard of it.  If my friends were to invite my mother to a bridal shower for me, she wouldn't come, given that she lives 1600 miles away from me and none of them know her.

    The only real rule about inviting anyone to a shower is that with the exception of work and group showers, everyone invited must also be invited to the wedding.  Inviting the mothers no matter what is not a rule of general etiquette-just what is done in your respective circles.  But that doesn't constitute etiquette for all of North America.
  • MobKazMobKaz Chicago suburbs member
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    Jen4948 said:
    Jen4948 said:
    The MOB and MOG should receive courtesy invites to all showers, except work showers. Usually the bridal party is sent invitations to all showers. They may choose to attend all, some or none. Otherwise, the guest lists shouldn't overlap. 


    I don't agree.  Some people who know neither of the mothers but are friends with the bride and other people they know in common might want to host a shower.  That doesn't mean the mothers get an automatic invitation.
    In my circle, that would be considered very rude. 

    The exceptions would be if the bride belonged to a church or organization that traditionally hosts showers for their members.
    This. With the exception of affiliation-type showers (e.g. thrown by co-workers at work, church members, etc.) MOB/MOGs in my family and friend circle get invited to all showers. I've never heard of them not being invited, but maybe I'm just ignorant?
    I have heard of it.  If my friends were to invite my mother to a bridal shower for me, she wouldn't come, given that she lives 1600 miles away from me and none of them know her.

    The only real rule about inviting anyone to a shower is that with the exception of work and group showers, everyone invited must also be invited to the wedding.  Inviting the mothers no matter what is not a rule of general etiquette-just what is done in your respective circles.  But that doesn't constitute etiquette for all of North America.
    The invitation is extended as a courtesy.  I am going to guess that myself, Southernbelle, and MairePoppy all come from different geographic and social circles, and yet all agree on this.  
    MairePoppysouthernbelle0915
  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
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    edited November 2013
    I doubt that the mothers want to receive a courtesy invitation to every shower someone might throw the bride-especially if they don't know the hostess or any of the other guests who are going to be present.  And if the bride is not on good terms with one or both mothers, she may have her own reasons for not wanting to invite one or both of them.

    It makes sense to invite the mothers when the shower is a family one, or family/friend one, but not if the mothers don't know anyone else there, especially the hostess, or if they've been giving the bride a hostile attitude.  So I'd say it's situational.
  • @Viczaesar-you are free to ignore anything I say, and I wish you would.  From my vantage point of living on the planet for 50, being married to the same man for 30, and experiencing cultures around the world, I can tell you there are no "rules" for showers and pre-wedding parties, other than what some know it alls want to make up. 
    Again, I believe that a bride should feel like the center of attention and enjoy her time as a bride and then as a newlywed.  Those of us who know and love the couple enjoy having as many opportunities to toast their happiness and take part in the joy. 

    netskyblue2
  • MobKazMobKaz Chicago suburbs member
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    @Viczaesar-you are free to ignore anything I say, and I wish you would.  From my vantage point of living on the planet for 50, being married to the same man for 30, and experiencing cultures around the world, I can tell you there are no "rules" for showers and pre-wedding parties, other than what some know it alls want to make up. 
    Again, I believe that a bride should feel like the center of attention and enjoy her time as a bride and then as a newlywed.  Those of us who know and love the couple enjoy having as many opportunities to toast their happiness and take part in the joy. 

    I can tell you that you are mistaken.  There absolutely are rules of etiquette when it comes to hosting parties and showers.  
  • MairePoppyMairePoppy Connecticut mod
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    edited November 2013
    Jen4948 said:
    I doubt that the mothers want to receive a courtesy invitation to every shower someone might throw the bride-especially if they don't know the hostess or any of the other guests who are going to be present.  And if the bride is not on good terms with one or both mothers, she may have her own reasons for not wanting to invite one or both of them.

    It makes sense to invite the mothers when the shower is a family one, or family/friend one, but not if the mothers don't know anyone else there, especially the hostess, or if they've been giving the bride a hostile attitude.  So I'd say it's situational.

    I'm talking about ordinary etiquette, here. If a women is so estranged from her mother or FMIL that she doesn't want to be near her, then compassion for the guest of honor should prevail over etiquette. OP did not mention being on bad terms with her mother or FMIL. 

    The host of the shower invites the bride's nearest and dearest. In most cases, the MOB would make the cut. Since the MOG would soon be included among the bride's immediate family, it's wise and polite to include her, too. It's not necessary for the host to know everyone on the guest list. That's why most hosts ask the bride, or her mother or sister, for a guest list. 


                       
  • MairePoppyMairePoppy Connecticut mod
    Moderator Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its
    edited November 2013

    @Viczaesar-you are free to ignore anything I say, and I wish you would.  From my vantage point of living on the planet for 50, being married to the same man for 30, and experiencing cultures around the world, I can tell you there are no "rules" for showers and pre-wedding parties, other than what some know it alls want to make up. 
    Again, I believe that a bride should feel like the center of attention and enjoy her time as a bride and then as a newlywed.  Those of us who know and love the couple enjoy having as many opportunities to toast their happiness and take part in the joy. 

    FTR, I'm in your age and marriage anniversary bracket. Age doesn't trump etiquette. There are etiquette rules about showers and other pre-wedding parties that are specifically designed to prevent offending people and embarrassing the bride. It does matter who is invited. Invite someone to multiple showers and she may assume the bride is gift grabby. Leave the bride's mother or FMIL off the list and possible cause family strife that will endure for a long, long time. Invite someone to a shower and not the wedding, she may think that she was good enough to be solicited for a shower gift, but not good enough to be invited to the wedding. Ask for cash gifts and the guests will assume the bride is greedy. 

    ETA - You've been around long enough to know that when you post a comment, others are free to respond. I appreciate some of the remarks that you have made because they bring another respective perspective, but I think you screwed the pooch on this one.


                       
    southernbelle0915
  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
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    Jen4948 said:
    I doubt that the mothers want to receive a courtesy invitation to every shower someone might throw the bride-especially if they don't know the hostess or any of the other guests who are going to be present.  And if the bride is not on good terms with one or both mothers, she may have her own reasons for not wanting to invite one or both of them.

    It makes sense to invite the mothers when the shower is a family one, or family/friend one, but not if the mothers don't know anyone else there, especially the hostess, or if they've been giving the bride a hostile attitude.  So I'd say it's situational.

    I'm talking about ordinary etiquette, here. If a women is so estranged from her mother or FMIL that she doesn't want to be near her, then compassion for the guest of honor should prevail over etiquette. OP did not mention being on bad terms with her mother or FMIL. 

    The host of the shower invites the bride's nearest and dearest. In most cases, the MOB would make the cut. Since the MOG would soon be included among the bride's immediate family, it's wise and polite to include her, too. It's not necessary for the host to know everyone on the guest list. That's why most hosts ask the bride, or her mother or sister, for a guest list. 


    And the bride may not include her mother or sister (assuming she has a sister) when asked for a list-especially if she doesn't consider them "among her nearest and dearest," or she knows they would not be into a shower, or at least not the type of shower the hostess has in mind.  In those instances, it makes sense to not invite the mothers.
  • MairePoppyMairePoppy Connecticut mod
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    And if you'll read what I wrote: In ordinary circumstances, the MOB is considered to be one of the bride's nearest and dearest and should be included. I am aware, from participating on these boards, that there are circumstances where the bride and her mother don't like each other. In those cases, which I hope are rare, compassion for the bride may trump etiquette. But it's still an exception, albeit a justifiable exception. 
                       
  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
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    And if you'll read what I wrote: In ordinary circumstances, the MOB is considered to be one of the bride's nearest and dearest and should be included. I am aware, from participating on these boards, that there are circumstances where the bride and her mother don't like each other. In those cases, which I hope are rare, compassion for the bride may trump etiquette. But it's still an exception, albeit a justifiable exception. 
    I read it, @MairePoppy.  I don't appreciate that you are equating "not bothering to read" your posts with merely disagreeing with you, because they are not the same thing.  I don't agree that the guest list for a shower needs to include every single person the bride considers her "nearest and dearest" or even her mother. 

    In any case, it's not really up to the bride who gets invited, but the hostess, because the bride does not properly host her own shower.  In many cases, she gets it as a surprise and doesn't even know about the plans!  And no, the hostess, especially if she is not acquainted with the families but only friends of the bride, cannot be counted upon to contact female family members to invite them.  Nobody who would throw a shower for me would invite either my mother or my BF's mother, for very different reasons.
  • MairePoppyMairePoppy Connecticut mod
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    @Jen4948 Who said the hostess should invite every single female family member or 'every single person the bride considers her nearest and dearest?'  Not me. I have no problem with you disagreeing with my opinions. For me, the point of these discussions is to present different opinions. But don't credit me with things I didn't say.
                       
  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    Eighth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    edited November 2013
    @Jen4948 Who said the hostess should invite every single female family member or 'every single person the bride considers her nearest and dearest?'  Not me. I have no problem with you disagreeing with my opinions. For me, the point of these discussions is to present different opinions. But don't credit me with things I didn't say.
    @MairePoppy, your last post read "if you'll read what I wrote."  This is what I object to-not our disagreement.  Suggesting that anyone who disagrees with you (generic) didn't or hasn't read your post is childish and inflammatory. 

    And honestly, you did specifically say that the MOB should be considered among the bride's "nearest and dearest" and should automatically get a response (unless there were extenuating circumstances).  That's not "crediting you with things you didn't say" because you did say them.

    As I said before, I think that whether the MOB or MOG should be invited is situational and not a firm rule.  There are going to be times when it makes sense and should be done, and times when it does not.  The times when it does not may not be very numerous, but they exist.
  • MairePoppyMairePoppy Connecticut mod
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    edited November 2013
    'The host of the shower invites the bride's nearest and dearest. In most cases, the MOB would make the cut.'

    'In ordinary circumstances, the MOB is considered to be one of the bride's nearest and dearest and should be included.'

    That's what I wrote. 



                       
  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    Eighth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    'The host of the shower invites the bride's nearest and dearest. In most cases, the MOB would make the cut.'

    In ordinary circumstances, the MOB is considered to be one of the bride's nearest and dearest and should be included.

    That's what I wrote. 



    I know that's what you wrote.  But I don't agree that etiquette supports the position that not inviting the mothers is automatically rude.
  • ViczaesarViczaesar Central Coast, CA member
    Ninth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    @Viczaesar-you are free to ignore anything I say, and I wish you would.  From my vantage point of living on the planet for 50, being married to the same man for 30, and experiencing cultures around the world, I can tell you there are no "rules" for showers and pre-wedding parties, other than what some know it alls want to make up. 
    Again, I believe that a bride should feel like the center of attention and enjoy her time as a bride and then as a newlywed.  Those of us who know and love the couple enjoy having as many opportunities to toast their happiness and take part in the joy. 

    Bullshit.  And no, I'm not going to ignore your terrible advice; I'm going to continue to point out your terrible advice and post rejoinders to it. 



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