Guests inviting guests; need advice!

marche2013 · November 2013

So we are on a small budget and have a venue that cannot hold more than 60. We invited that amount thinking that not everyone would be able to make it. Not only is everyone RSVP'ing, but they have asked me if they can bring guests with them. I made the mistake of saying yes to 2 people who are closest to me but made a hard stop after my list began to get out of control. There have been some declines that balance out the additional guests I didn't prepare for, but now I'm wondering if there are people who are planning to bring extra guests without even giving me notice. It's strange how much people think this is ok and just assume they are entitled to a guest.

At this point, my RSVP's are just about at capacity and I cannot squeeze in more than 2 additional people. Invitations have already been sent. Etiquette-wise, is there a way to graciously explain that due to space limitations, I can't handle more guests than were addressed on the invites. At this point, I'd have to call down to do this, and I'm afraid it will be tacky. Is it simply out of my control?

I imagine some RSVP's won't show, so at this point, I'm just hoping it'll balance out.

natswild · November 2013

Absolutely, if people RSVP with guests that weren't on the invitation, call up the guest the invitation went to, and tell them that the invitation was only to them, not additional guests. The only caveat being if the guest being added is their SO (who does need to be invited)

clarke10 · November 2013

I would address each case individually if someone either asks to bring a guest or adds a guest to their RSVP. Other than that I think you just have to trust your guests not to bring people the day of. The lack of a plus-one on their RSVP should be their message that they can't bring a guest.

mrskaiser22 · November 2013

If someone calls and asks if they can bring someone, say you're sorry but you can only accommodate those that were named on the invite. There is absolutely nothing rude about that.

It is incredibly rude for these people to ask if they can bring extra guests.

I'd plan on 100% attendance and don't bend your rules.

Inkdancer · November 2013

If someone asks for a guest, or puts additional people on their RSVP, it is perfectly okay to call them and explain the situation. As long as you are polite when you say "I'm sorry, we cannot accommodate anyone who was not on the invitation by name," you should be fine.

phira · November 2013

Agree with PPs, but: Who are they trying to invite? Do they have spouses/partners? Or are they asking to bring a non-SO date, or their kids or something?

AddieCake · November 2013

For the people you said yes to, you need to honor that. For any others who ask, say no.

marche2013 · November 2013

I made sure if the guest was married/in a serious relationship to invite their SOs. So far guests have asked to bring mothers, sisters, random friends, etc.

I am handling the ones who have already asked; I am just concerned about the people who haven't given me the courtesy of asking. I guess it comes down to me having to trust them. Because the people who wouldn't be that rude may be offended if I go out of my way to tell them not to bring additional people. My fear is having unexpected guests the day of that I was unprepared for.

delujm0 · November 2013

marche2013 said:

I made sure if the guest was married/in a serious relationship to invite their SOs. So far guests have asked to bring mothers, sisters, random friends, etc.

I am handling the ones who have already asked; I am just concerned about the people who haven't given me the courtesy of asking. I guess it comes down to me having to trust them. Because the people who wouldn't be that rude may be offended if I go out of my way to tell them not to bring additional people. My fear is having unexpected guests the day of that I was unprepared for.

For the record, it is not your place to determine which relationships are serious enough to merit a SO wedding invite. If the person you are inviting considers themself to be in a relationship, their SO should be invited, whether they have been together for 3 years or 3 months or 3 weeks.

If people are just asking to bring parents/sisters/friends who were not invited, that is extremely rude...just tell them your venue doesn't have space for any extra guests and leave it at that. If they decide to bring someone on the day of the wedding without warning you ahead of time, they're going to look awfully stupid when their guest doesn't have an escort card or seat to sit in.

marche2013 · November 2013

delujm0 said:

For the record, it is not your place to determine which relationships are serious enough to merit a SO wedding invite. If the person you are inviting considers themself to be in a relationship, their SO should be invited, whether they have been together for 3 years or 3 months or 3 weeks.

If people are just asking to bring parents/sisters/friends who were not invited, that is extremely rude...just tell them your venue doesn't have space for any extra guests and leave it at that. If they decide to bring someone on the day of the wedding without warning you ahead of time, they're going to look awfully stupid when their guest doesn't have an escort card or seat to sit in.

I wasn't trying to offend you, so I don't understand the rude response. When I said that, what I meant was the people who are obvious to me to be in a relationship. Specifically, I said serious relationship to explain that I wasn't excluding SOs to married. I don't understand how I'm supposed to gauge whether someone has acquired a new significant other within 2-3 weeks of my wedding and suddenly wants to bring them. When I was working on my guest list a while back, I don't think it's fair for me to be expected to invited twice as many people as singles on the list on the off chance that they might meet someone before then. Nonetheless, there have been no issues with SOs unless there are ones I am unaware (I doubt it; my list is pretty intimate).

Is this why people do seating arrangements? I don't have one since it's not a formal dinner reception. So the unexpected guests may take up expected guests seats. I guess it's irreconcilable. I won't want to cause a scene at my wedding, so I'll just have to ignore it and enjoy my day.

photokitty · November 2013

marche2013 said:

delujm0 said:
For the record, it is not your place to determine which relationships are serious enough to merit a SO wedding invite. If the person you are inviting considers themself to be in a relationship, their SO should be invited, whether they have been together for 3 years or 3 months or 3 weeks.

If people are just asking to bring parents/sisters/friends who were not invited, that is extremely rude...just tell them your venue doesn't have space for any extra guests and leave it at that. If they decide to bring someone on the day of the wedding without warning you ahead of time, they're going to look awfully stupid when their guest doesn't have an escort card or seat to sit in.

I wasn't trying to offend you, so I don't understand the rude response. When I said that, what I meant was the people who are obvious to me to be in a relationship. Specifically, I said serious relationship to explain that I wasn't excluding SOs to married. I don't understand how I'm supposed to gauge whether someone has acquired a new significant other within 2-3 weeks of my wedding and suddenly wants to bring them. When I was working on my guest list a while back, I don't think it's fair for me to be expected to invited twice as many people as singles on the list on the off chance that they might meet someone before then. Nonetheless, there have been no issues with SOs unless there are ones I am unaware (I doubt it; my list is pretty intimate).

Is this why people do seating arrangements? I don't have one since it's not a formal dinner reception. So the unexpected guests may take up expected guests seats. I guess it's irreconcilable. I won't want to cause a scene at my wedding, so I'll just have to ignore it and enjoy my day.

You don't have to worry if someone acquires a new SO after you send the invite. After the invites go out you are not required to honor any new relationships that occur.

Word choice is key around here - people read serious and assume you are deciding who serious a relationship is and then determining if you will invite the SO. What you probably meant was in a relationship - because when I was dating multiple guys I didn't think I was in a relationship, but when I got serious with one I was in a relationship - thus I deemed it a serious relationship. On TK they just call it a relationship.

It doesn't sound like you have done anything wrong, and your guests are trying to take advantage of your generous nature. GL!

delujm0 · November 2013

marche2013 said:

delujm0 said:

For the record, it is not your place to determine which relationships are serious enough to merit a SO wedding invite. If the person you are inviting considers themself to be in a relationship, their SO should be invited, whether they have been together for 3 years or 3 months or 3 weeks.

If people are just asking to bring parents/sisters/friends who were not invited, that is extremely rude...just tell them your venue doesn't have space for any extra guests and leave it at that. If they decide to bring someone on the day of the wedding without warning you ahead of time, they're going to look awfully stupid when their guest doesn't have an escort card or seat to sit in.

I wasn't trying to offend you, so I don't understand the rude response. When I said that, what I meant was the people who are obvious to me to be in a relationship. Specifically, I said serious relationship to explain that I wasn't excluding SOs to married. I don't understand how I'm supposed to gauge whether someone has acquired a new significant other within 2-3 weeks of my wedding and suddenly wants to bring them. When I was working on my guest list a while back, I don't think it's fair for me to be expected to invited twice as many people as singles on the list on the off chance that they might meet someone before then. Nonetheless, there have been no issues with SOs unless there are ones I am unaware (I doubt it; my list is pretty intimate).

Is this why people do seating arrangements? I don't have one since it's not a formal dinner reception. So the unexpected guests may take up expected guests seats. I guess it's irreconcilable. I won't want to cause a scene at my wedding, so I'll just have to ignore it and enjoy my day.

I didn't mean to offend; you have no idea how many people come on these message boards and say things like "my friend has only been with her boyfriend for 6 months so i didn't invite him" or "i don't like my MOH's boyfriend so he's not invited" or "the only SO's invited were for people who are engaged or married." it makes them sound like they believe their engagement has given them some right to detemine which of their guests' relationships are "serious enough" to merit a SO invite, and it is obviously terribly rude.

You only have to know relationships at the time you send invitations - you're not expected to keep up with dating statuses after the invitations are sent. however, if a guest calls you and requests to bring their SO who is either new since invitaitons went out, or that you weren't aware of when you sent the invitations, it is proper to allow them to bring that person.

I don't think the "unexpected guest" thing is the sole reason people so assigned seating or assigned tables, but it does highlight when this type of thing occurrs. honestly, you'll be too busy on your wedding day to worry about a few unexpected guests; you may not even notice that they're there. Most caterers make about 10% extra food in the event of additional guests after the final headcount (if you're having a seated dinner, they will count those people and charge you extra for them - if you have a buffet they may not notice them).

For the people that are calling you and asking to bring uninvited guests, i would gently tell them that you don't have the space. There's nothing you can do about surprise uninvited guests other than to hope that there aren't many of them. Until i came on these boards i had no idea that poeple were so rude as to assume they could just bring along an uninvited guest to a wedding, but SO MANY brides have experienced this. It's crazy.

heathertims · November 2013

I sent out my invites WAY early (which probably breaks some kind of rule, but hey) and gave plus 1s to anyone i knew was in a relationship. After the RSVP date, I found out some of our friends we hadn't seen in a while had significant others they would have liked to bring (started dating after invites went out, or we didnt know about it). Anyway, mostly they asked me if they could come. Because we had our headcount really early, I knew I was able to accommodate them.

Worked out fine. Dont sweat the plus one thing, I'm sure you did fine

phira · November 2013

I just wanted to double check. It sounds like you just have some obnoxiously rude guests. When they RSVP with names of uninvited people, call 'em up and say, "Sorry, but the invitation was just for [people]. We cannot accommodate anyone else."

Guests inviting guests; need advice!

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