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Update on friend's wedding

tmclawchicktmclawchick member
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in Wedding Etiquette Forum
I posted last month about a friend of mine who was set on having the bridesmaids have a sleepover the night before the wedding, thus forcing dates to fend for themselves that night. The same friend just posted on the private facebook group she created for the bridesmaids, and I don't know how to respond:

I'm probably thinking way ahead, but is there any chance we're going to do any sort of Bachelorette/bridal shenanigans? I figured probably not since it'd be asking a lot for most of you to come this far twice... or if maybe we all did something the week of the wedding? But again, I don't wanna ask anybody to stay longer than they can reasonably afford. Thoughts appreciated.

The majority of the bridesmaids are out of state (me included); and honestly I'm not crazy about the idea of shelling out the money for extra nights in a hotel. I'm a little shocked at the forwardness of the whole post -- how would you respond to this?

 

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Re: Update on friend's wedding

  • Jen4948Jen4948 member
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    "Friend, we're probably not going to see each other until right before the wedding.  Anything we do for you will take place then."
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  • mommapizanomommapizano member
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    I would just be honest and say that you will not be in town till right before the wedding. 
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  • PrettyGirlLostPrettyGirlLost member
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    Either ignore the post completely or just simply state that you are unable to come into town until the actual wedding.

    Is this bride still set on her awful sleepover idea?

    "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."


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  • tmclawchicktmclawchick member
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    lol yes. Yes she is.

    I was very tempted to say something snarky, but I just said I'm unable to commit to anything other than just the rehearsal/wedding (and of course sleepover) right now.

     

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  • PrettyGirlLostPrettyGirlLost member
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    tmclawchick said:
    lol yes. Yes she is.

    I was very tempted to say something snarky, but I just said I'm unable to commit to anything other than just the rehearsal/wedding (and of course sleepover) right now.
    Ugh.  You are going to participate in this sleepover?

    "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."


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  • PrettyGirlLostPrettyGirlLost member
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    tmclawchick said:
    I'm going to spend an hour or so there, then meet back with FI and have a kid-free fun night! :) *takes top off and whirls it around head*

    ... we'll probably both be passed out by 11 lol...
    http://media.tumblr.com/7eb5c7742585acbb6223bc512c3f6773/tumblr_inline_mtp2spSCCC1qhcvhp.gif

    "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."


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  • huskypuppy14huskypuppy14 member
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    If people just said no to these awful ideas, then these brides wouldn't think they can do whatever they want. Good for you OP!  
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  • MandyMostMandyMost member
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    In my circle, where the bridal party is always spread all over the country/world, it's pretty common for some members of the bridal party to ask the bride where she would like to go for the "bachelorette", and the ask her availability, and then keep her involved in the planning of it up until the details at the end (where it's both a surprise and she doesn't have to deal with the logistics and all the emails). Usually it's a couple months before the wedding at a central location that's different than where the wedding is held, so the friends don't have to travel to the same location twice. 

    I don't think it's rude to ask people to travel twice, to two different destinations, with cost in mind--no 5-star hotels. However, it is DEFINITELY rude for the bride to be asking is someone is going to throw her a party! And even ruder to basically say that if no one is going to do something, then she'll just throw it herself before the wedding? :shaking my head:
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  • delujm0delujm0 member
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    MandyMost said:
    In my circle, where the bridal party is always spread all over the country/world, it's pretty common for some members of the bridal party to ask the bride where she would like to go for the "bachelorette", and the ask her availability, and then keep her involved in the planning of it up until the details at the end (where it's both a surprise and she doesn't have to deal with the logistics and all the emails). Usually it's a couple months before the wedding at a central location that's different than where the wedding is held, so the friends don't have to travel to the same location twice. 

    I don't think it's rude to ask people to travel twice, to two different destinations, with cost in mind--no 5-star hotels. However, it is DEFINITELY rude for the bride to be asking is someone is going to throw her a party! And even ruder to basically say that if no one is going to do something, then she'll just throw it herself before the wedding? :shaking my head:

    This is common in my circle too...we are older, so a long weekend away is within most of our budgets.  But that being said, when the bride is asked where she wants to go/what she wants to do, she is also expected to understand that the more expensive/inconvenient it is, the fewer people will be able to go.  She can't say "Weekend in Vagas in the Hangover Suite!" and then expect everyone she invites to be willing to throw down for it.  She also shouldn't do any actual planning on her own.

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  • CLI242009CLI242009 member
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    edited November 2013
    Her message definitely sounds like she's (bride) the one planning her own party which is a no no.

    All my BMs are out of state and traveling for my wedding so in actuality I am not expecting or thinking they are going to plan any kind of party for me. When I moved to NY to be with FI I knew I wouldn't get a shower or bachelorette party because I was now in NY. So if they end up doing something for me, great, if not, no biggie. This bride is really not thinking if she thinks her gals are going to dish out so much for her....

    The sleepover idea - I'm not sure why this is such a horrifying idea? The bride and BMs all staying together the night before is all I have ever heard or seen for weddings. Doesn't it make getting ready easier? (I work in a hotel and all I've ever seen is the BMs staying with the Bride).
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  • huskypuppy14huskypuppy14 member
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    CLI242009 said:
    Her message definitely sounds like she's (bride) the one planning her own party which is a no no.

    All my BMs are out of state and traveling for my wedding so in actuality I am not expecting or thinking they are going to plan any kind of party for me. When I moved to NY to be with FI I knew I wouldn't get a shower or bachelorette party because I was now in NY. So if they end up doing something for me, great, if not, no biggie. This bride is really not thinking if she thinks her gals are going to dish out so much for her....

    The sleepover idea - I'm not sure why this is such a horrifying idea? The bride and BMs all staying together the night before is all I have ever heard or seen for weddings. Doesn't it make getting ready easier? (I work in a hotel and all I've ever seen is the BMs staying with the Bride).
    The bride should never make this mandatory. Maybe if you're 22 and the first of your friends to get married, and no one else has a SO, and everyone is cool with it- fine.  But if you have married bridesmaids they shouldn't be obligated to leave their husbands/children.  And if it's out of town, it's really rude to expect their SO to stay in a hotel room by themselves for the night. 

    Also, I used to sleep anywhere when I was in my 20's - on a couch, on a futon, sharing a bed with another bridesmaid. Now, I just want to sleep in my own bed/hotel with my FI.  See why it's a problem? 
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  • CLI242009CLI242009 member
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    Oh yeah if they have SOs that makes sense. Why would you force them to separate?

    I didn't see the first story about the sleepover, so I didn't know the bride was making it mandatory. I was just under the impression that you were all against the sleep over in general. I didn't know the circumstances with the other BMs.

    Making it mandatory is definitely wrong. Especially if your BMs have SOs and children....that is just plain rude.

    I asked my BMs what would be easier for them. I let them know where I was getting ready, etc. I asked them if they wanted to sleep over the night before so we could all get ready. (FMIL is allowing her house to be the getting ready location). They all agreed except my sis who is bringing her SO which I understood.

    So when I saw all the negativity about the sleepover I was kind of confused. Now that's cleared up, this bride is very selfish sounding >.<
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  • tmclawchicktmclawchick member
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    edited November 2013

    To clarify about the sleepover:

    The night before the wedding, her original plan was to have the women in the bridal party stay at her house for a girls' night/sleepover before getting up early for our hair and make-up...meanwhile, the groom and his guys would be in a hotel suite close to the church. Apparently, some of the groomsmen have expressed that they will be traveling with their dates (some of them are 4 hours away; we're 12+ hours away, others are even farther), and wanted to see if their dates could be included (not going to the rehearsal/rehearsal dinner, but having a chance to tag along the night before instead of being cooped up alone in their hotel rooms). Additionally, between the wedding ceremony and reception, the bridal party will be taking pictures, both at the church and a local park. As of now, the groomsmen/groom expectation is that having the dates present while pictures are being taken wouldn't be a major problem, since they're driving together. This has thrown the bride into a bit of a spiral...her stance is that she barely knows these women, and they "absolutely will NOT" be allowed to tag along while we take pictures. And, "if they can't handle being away from their SOs for the night before the wedding then they have serious issues." The groom wants the dates to be included, because he wants to be more accommodating to his friends.

    FI and I have a 3 year old (who will be with my parents that weekend -- hooray!) and hardly ever get a night to ourselves, so we were kind of looking forward to spending a fun few days together (the town where this wedding is taking place is where we went to law school/met/moved in together/had our son... so many memories). He can always go hang out with law school buddies, so it's not a huge deal, but it *would* be nice to sleep in a hotel bed and not on an air mattress/couch the night before the wedding, KWIM? 


    * edited for further clarification

     

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  • huskypuppy14huskypuppy14 member
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    To clarify about the sleepover:

    The night before the wedding, her original plan was to have the women in the bridal party stay at her house for a girls' night/sleepover before getting up early for our hair and make-up...meanwhile, the groom and his guys would be in a hotel suite close to the church. Apparently, some of the groomsmen have expressed that they will be traveling with their dates (some of them are 4 hours away; we're 12+ hours away, others are even farther), and wanted to see if their dates could be included (not going to the rehearsal/rehearsal dinner, but having a chance to tag along the night before instead of being cooped up alone in their hotel rooms). Additionally, between the wedding ceremony and reception, the bridal party will be taking pictures, both at the church and a local park. As of now, the groomsmen/groom expectation is that having the dates present while pictures are being taken wouldn't be a major problem, since they're driving together. This has thrown the bride into a bit of a spiral...her stance is that she barely knows these women, and they "absolutely will NOT" be allowed to tag along while we take pictures. And, "if they can't handle being away from their SOs for the night before the wedding then they have serious issues." The groom wants the dates to be included, because he wants to be more accommodating to his friends.

    FI and I have a 3 year old (who will be with my parents that weekend -- hooray!) and hardly ever get a night to ourselves, so we were kind of looking forward to spending a fun few days together (the town where this wedding is taking place is where we went to law school/met/moved in together/had our son... so many memories). He can always go hang out with law school buddies, so it's not a huge deal, but it *would* be nice to sleep in a hotel bed and not on an air mattress/couch the night before the wedding, KWIM? 


    * edited for further clarification


    Stuck in the box!!

    Wait, the SO are not invited to the rehearsal or rehearsal dinner- incredibly rude!  I think the SO not being invited the picture taking around town, isn't that big a deal. But this bride is insane!

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  • tmclawchicktmclawchick member
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    Yeah...but the problem with that is SOs and members of the bridal party coming from out of town would have one car. As of now there's no limo/other form of transportation so we'd all have to drive ourselves from the ceremony to the reception. If SOs of the bridal party can't be off to the side while pictures are being taken at the church after the ceremony, I'm not sure how they'd get to the reception (aside from asking other guests for a ride...)

     

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  • huskypuppy14huskypuppy14 member
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    Oh well in that case, then yes they should be invited to watch the pictures. Sorry, I was thinking the bridal party was in a limo and the dates took the car.
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  • tmclawchicktmclawchick member
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    No worries, I could have been clearer :)

     

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  • Amyzen83Amyzen83 member
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    I may be in the minority here, but honestly it would be kind of hurtful if my friends didn't plan ANYTHING to celebrate before the wedding, but I wouldn't necessarily expect it either. I think the reason it would kind of sting is if my FI got to go to a bach party with his buddies and have a good time, but I didn't get to do the same. I'd much rather be out with my girls doing something fun, rather than pathetically waiting around the house worrying about trusting that his groomsmen didn't take him to any nasty strip clubs, or knowing he's out having fun, while I'm just sitting at home. I would at that point take it upon myself to plan some kind of last blast thing with my friends, the only difference is that I wouldn't mind paying for my own good time, I just want to do SOMETHING. 

    I think where this becomes a problem is when the bride takes it upon herself to ask her friends to take her out and spend money on her, but if she's spending money on herself and wants people to join her then that's different. I'm not familiar with the previous post before this, or what the dynamics are of the friendship, but I have read about worse expectations of a bride and even experienced worse from my own sister. From the post it seemed like the bride was merely inquiring if her bridesmaids wanted to do something. Maybe she just wanted to have a girls night while her man had his guys night. Also since you all are coming in from out of town, maybe she wants to catch up with you all. Either way though if she's going to insist on planning something herself, she should at least be willing to chip in her own money.
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  • PrettyGirlLostPrettyGirlLost member
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    This Bride is a spoiled ass brat and totally unreasonable, period. 

    If I was the SO of one of the groomsmen, and he couldn't find the balls to tell the the Groom, "Sorry, but once the rehearsal and rehearsal dinner are over,  I'll be spending evening with my SO"  there's no way in hell I'd make the trip to go to this wedding with him. 

    Here's the trick in dealing with controlling, irrational people- smile and nod your head when they tell you they want you to do XYZ and then just do whatever the hell you want to do.  Don't give them the heads up that you aren't going to do whatever unreasonable crap they want you to do, just do what you need to do.

    If you don't want to participate in some bridal sleepover, then don't.  Don't tell the Bride you aren't going to do it, just show up and hang out for as long as you want to, then get up and politely Peace Out. 

    If the WP members are carpooling to this OOT wedding with their SOs and they all need to be together in order to get to and from the ceremony and reception, then don't tell the Bride the SO's are going to be hanging around on the sidelines during pictures, just all show up to the pictures together.  Let the Bride have a temper tantrum in front of the photographer, I hope it gets caught on film.  She can rant and rave all she wants, by that point it's too late.  Just smile and say, "Sorry Bridezilla but we only have one vehicle so it was either miss the pictures entirely and go straight to the reception together, or come to take pictures with our SOs. . . they promise not to photobomb."

    "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."


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  • Amyzen83Amyzen83 member
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    Why can't they all just have one giant party? I'm sure the groom wouldn't just want to be surrounded by females?
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  • Rebl90Rebl90 member
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    Holy cow, she sounds like quite a lady *sarcasm*

    I have an out of state MOH and BM's and I do not feel the need to "coordinate" them so that I can make sure I am celebrated. Whatever they plan is up to them!
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  • CLI242009CLI242009 member
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    tmclawchick - Thank you for clarifying. I was just REALLY confused as to why everyone was hating on the sleepover idea. For timeline and all that, it just makes sense to sleep over together. The thing about SOs though...that's just....*facepalms*

    Majority of the time the people in your bridal party are close family and friends.     If these people are close to you, wouldn't you want to get to know the person they brought to your wedding? That's just my way of thinking is all. I mean I know you can't REALLY get to know them but in between pictures and poses, chatting up your friend's date is something I would do. I would want to get to know the person. The only reason I would get upset about the photos thing is if they ruined the photos. You know partbombed it, fingers flipping off the camera, etc. Other than that I don't care who watches the photos being taken o.O She sounds kind of well, anal.

    laurynm84 - I noticed that too. The SOs are NOT invited to the rehearsal/rehearsal dinner is a big no no isn't it? I know they are not part of the ceremony per se but you're still separating a unit, right?! That's just wrong......you're right laurynm84 she's insane.

    Amyzen83 - I like the second part of your post. I completely agree with this. If the bride really wants to do something or has her bridal festivities planned a certain way than you should just throw it yourself. Like I said before, with all her gals being OOT, I wouldn't expect anything. That's just selfish. They're already dropping money on you as it is.


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  • PrettyGirlLostPrettyGirlLost member
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    CLI242009 said:
    tmclawchick - Thank you for clarifying. I was just REALLY confused as to why everyone was hating on the sleepover idea. For timeline and all that, it just makes sense to sleep over together. The thing about SOs though...that's just....*facepalms*




    I've been in over 10 weddings and we never had a sleepover the night before so that we could all get ready together.  When you tell adults they have to meet at a certain time and place, they usually do.  For timeline reasons, sleepovers are unnecessary.

    Great if they are optional and that's what ppl really want to do, but honestly the idea sounds unappealing and silly to me.  As a bride I would never want to be up all night and look ragged and tired in my wedding photos, and as a BM I wouldn't want to be stuck sleeping on a couch, air mattress, etc.  I want me a bed!

    "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."


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  • CLI242009CLI242009 member
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    PrettyGirlLost said:
    CLI242009 said:
    tmclawchick - Thank you for clarifying. I was just REALLY confused as to why everyone was hating on the sleepover idea. For timeline and all that, it just makes sense to sleep over together. The thing about SOs though...that's just....*facepalms*




    I've been in over 10 weddings and we never had a sleepover the night before so that we could all get ready together.  When you tell adults they have to meet at a certain time and place, they usually do.  For timeline reasons, sleepovers are unnecessary.

    Great if they are optional and that's what ppl really want to do, but honestly the idea sounds unappealing and silly to me.  As a bride I would never want to be up all night and look ragged and tired in my wedding photos, and as a BM I wouldn't want to be stuck sleeping on a couch, air mattress, etc.  I want me a bed!
    That is completely understandable. I agree, to demand that this be your sleeping plans is just selfish of the bride, especially when they have SOs that are coming with them.

    Like I said for me, sleepovers are common. For you they are not *shrugs* whatever works right?
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  • Amyzen83Amyzen83 member
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    I agree that wouldn't the bride be interested in getting to know the fellas that have captured her nearest and dearest's hearts? I know I would, but then again I'm the type of person that wants to see my friends and family as happy as I am and want to share in that happiness. I think bride sounds like a super diva not wanting them to even view the picture taking? WTF? I'd hate to see how she'd react the day of her wedding and reception when people are constantly taking photos of her and most likely there are going to be guests watching supportively. The whole reasoning behind her ideas sound rediculous.

    As for the sleepover thing, that should never be a requirement. One of bffs had a sleepover at the Hilton the night before her wedding which sounded fun, but I politely declined because of the logistics of it. I wanted to get ready in the comforts and privacy of my own home, do my morning workouts so all my muscles would be nice and tight before the wedding festivities, which required me waking up super early because my hair and make-up appt was also super early. That would have just annoyed everyone else and I didn't want to do that.

    The slumber party sounds like a fun idea but I think it would be even funner if she got an ajoining room for the guys including the groom, groomsmen and the bridesmaid SOs. They could have a fun last blast together.
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