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Bridesmaid MIA

rikysegalrikysegal member
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in Wedding Party
I'm so frustrated I may go crazy. I'm getting married in the summer and I have bridesmaids in 4 states and crossing 2 countries which is no easy task. I only have 1 bridesmaid that lives in the area and she has gone off the grid for months now. She has been without a cell phone for about 3 months now because she is waiting for the new iPhone to be in stock. In addition to not being able to call her or text her, she hasn't been responding to her facebook or email messages. I've been trying to reach her through her boyfriend but he is obviously getting frustrated. (PS- her BF is supposed to be performing the wedding ceremony which has now gotten awkward.)

I have no idea what to do. I feel so hurt that she's been MIA but its not like I can talk to her about it. Her bf said to not take it personally but its hard to after several months and when emails are going around about my shower and bachlorette party. I also sent an email asking if she was ok and that I was here if something was wrong. Still no answer.

Its now at a point where I don't feel comfortable around her BF even who is my fiances friend. 

What do I do? Just count her out?
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Re: Bridesmaid MIA

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    misslobitamisslobita member
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    Go to her house. I don't think you should just end a friendship without even talking to her. There's got to be a reason she stopped talking to you, a true friend would get back to you. Are you only contacting her about the wedding? If so, she may just be tired of that and feel you are neglecting her needs. Otherwise, take a bottle of wine and cupcakes to her place one evening and catch up, if she still gives you the cold shoulder, ask to see if she really wants to be involved or not.
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    JCbride2015JCbride2015 member
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    Yes if you are that close, you should try the last ditch effort to go to her house.  Please do not ask her about the wedding when you see her, just say you're concerned you haven't been able to reach her and you hope she's okay.  

    What does her BF say when you ask about her, beyond just don't take it personally?  If "don't take it personally" meant that something was going on with my friend (medical issue maybe) I would want to know.
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    "I'm not a rude bitch.  I'm ten rude bitches in a large coat."

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    ViczaesarViczaesar member
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    rikysegal said:
    I'm so frustrated I may go crazy. I'm getting married in the summer and I have bridesmaids in 4 states and crossing 2 countries which is no easy task. I only have 1 bridesmaid that lives in the area and she has gone off the grid for months now. She has been without a cell phone for about 3 months now because she is waiting for the new iPhone to be in stock. In addition to not being able to call her or text her, she hasn't been responding to her facebook or email messages. I've been trying to reach her through her boyfriend but he is obviously getting frustrated. (PS- her BF is supposed to be performing the wedding ceremony which has now gotten awkward.)

    I have no idea what to do. I feel so hurt that she's been MIA but its not like I can talk to her about it. Her bf said to not take it personally but its hard to after several months and when emails are going around about my shower and bachlorette party. I also sent an email asking if she was ok and that I was here if something was wrong. Still no answer.

    Its now at a point where I don't feel comfortable around her BF even who is my fiances friend. 

    What do I do? Just count her out?
    There isn't anything you need to do.  You don't need to be in contact with her right now if your wedding isn't until summer.  Just keep the line of communication open and accept that she's a bit busy or indisposed right now.  If she wants to be involved in planning your bachelorette and/or shower she will respond to the emails about that, and if not she won't.



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    ViczaesarViczaesar member
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    misslobita said:
    Go to her house. I don't think you should just end a friendship without even talking to her. There's got to be a reason she stopped talking to you, a true friend would get back to you. Are you only contacting her about the wedding? If so, she may just be tired of that and feel you are neglecting her needs. Otherwise, take a bottle of wine and cupcakes to her place one evening and catch up, if she still gives you the cold shoulder, ask to see if she really wants to be involved or not.
    No, don't do that.



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    thelastdreamerthelastdreamer member
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    Oh gosh. As long as she shows up the day of your wedding in the right dress and relatively sober, you're fine.
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    rikysegalrikysegal member
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    I sent her two emails asking is she was okay and telling here I was here if she wanted to talk. I have hardly talked to her about the wedding. 

    Viczaesar- I realize I don't need to talk to her about wedding items right now. But why in the world would someone want to have someone stand up in their wedding who hasn't responded to anything for months? That's not a friend. As far as I see it, I didn't ruin the friendship- she did.

    JCBride20140- Her BF wont give me anymore information than that. He snapped at me the other day saying he didn't want to be the middle man. I apologized and said it would happen again. 

    misslobita- I'm not showing up unannounced to her house. I've tried to reach her several ways including her BF. It's not like she doesn't know I'm trying to reach her. Showing up is a bit too close to stalking for me. 

    thelastdreamer-  I consider a bridesmaid someone who has been a friend for the long haul, not just the day-of. 
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    tammym1001tammym1001 member
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    Maybe I'm missing some information, but if her BF is saying he doesn't want to be in the middle and he's getting frustrated that you are asking about her then I think she has an issue with you. If it was just her being busy or something he would just say that. Can you think of anything that might have happened that could have upset her? I agree that I would never show up at someone's house unannounced, but perhaps one more message letting her know that you miss her and would like to talk to her. If she still doesn't respond to you then I think you probably need to let it go. You can't force someone to speak to you. 
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    rikysegalrikysegal member
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    I honestly can't think of anything I have done. And her BF did say not to take her being MIA personally. I know that hes been getting several messages from other people looking for her so he's pretty much annoyed all-around. 
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    southernbelle0915southernbelle0915 mod
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    I'm not trying to downplay how frustrating this must be, but I really think you need to separate this issue from the wedding. If you don't need her for anything wedding related (if your wedding is next summer, you really don't), leave the wedding out of this.

    I would also stop hassling her BF. If he's gotten to the point of snapping at you and telling you he doesn't want to be the middle man, I can't imagine annoyed he probably is.

    I think the way I'd probably handle this is to lay out in an email your attempts to contact her and how frustrating it's been (no mention of the wedding). If she doesn't respond, drop it. Include her on BM emails like you normally would with other BMs and let her be MIA.

    In my own experience, I asked DH's sister to be a BM in my wedding. She's warmed up to the point of being indifferent, but she used to be haughty and rude to me. Anyway, she was MIA throughout all BM communications. Never RSVPd for anything, never responded to emails about dresses, never confirmed she actually bought the dress, etc. At first it was really annoying and nerve racking, but finally I was just like "whatever, if this girl comes wearing the right shit, she stands up. If she doesn't, she attends as a guest." I felt a lot better after I started thinking like that.
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    rikysegalrikysegal member
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    The way Im thinking is- why do I have to let her still be in the wedding or even attend? Its my wedding and if she's going to make me feel uncomfortable on my day- whats the point?
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    ViczaesarViczaesar member
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    rikysegal said:
    I sent her two emails asking is she was okay and telling here I was here if she wanted to talk. I have hardly talked to her about the wedding. 

    Viczaesar- I realize I don't need to talk to her about wedding items right now. But why in the world would someone want to have someone stand up in their wedding who hasn't responded to anything for months? That's not a friend. As far as I see it, I didn't ruin the friendship- she did.

    JCBride20140- Her BF wont give me anymore information than that. He snapped at me the other day saying he didn't want to be the middle man. I apologized and said it would happen again. 

    misslobita- I'm not showing up unannounced to her house. I've tried to reach her several ways including her BF. It's not like she doesn't know I'm trying to reach her. Showing up is a bit too close to stalking for me. 

    thelastdreamer-  I consider a bridesmaid someone who has been a friend for the long haul, not just the day-of. 
    Her not talking to you for a few months is ruining your friendship?  People have lives and shit that comes up.  A lot of people go long periods of time without talking with their close friends. What a sad way to look at friendship.



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    ViczaesarViczaesar member
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    rikysegal said:
    The way Im thinking is- why do I have to let her still be in the wedding or even attend? Its my wedding and if she's going to make me feel uncomfortable on my day- whats the point?
    The point is not being a douche.  If this is someone who you were close enough to ask to be in your wedding then you should be close enough to her to be worried about her and why she has dropped off the radar, not concerned about whether or not she's going to be in your wedding that's 8 months away.



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    kerbohlkerbohl member
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    I was out of the country for two years, and could barely talk to my friends aside from email and the occasional skype.  They were still my friends when I came back.  Just because we weren't having regular correspondences doesn't mean that I didn't want them to be my bridesmaids when I came back.  My situation is of course different than yours, but is not having regular contact with her for a few months really crucial to your friendship?  Because if that's what friendship takes, it is a miracle mine still talk to me after I had the audacity to leave them for two years.  I say take a step back - she isn't needed for wedding planning at the moment.  When it's closer to the wedding, try to get back in contact and see how things stand.  Maybe whatever she's going through (and doesn't want to involve you with, or she would be getting in contact with you herself) will be over at that time.  Sometimes friends need space.

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    rikysegalrikysegal member
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    Vic- if you would have read the thread you'd see that I was concerned and tried to reach out to see if she was alright. You don't know me and don't know my relationships so I can't fault you for that but seriously...calling me a douche?! Grow up. I was asking for advice, not to be told that my friendships were sad. 

    You seem to be on this forum a lot. Don't be that negative person for every comment...
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    Rebl90Rebl90 member
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    rikysegal said:
    Vic- if you would have read the thread you'd see that I was concerned and tried to reach out to see if she was alright. You don't know me and don't know my relationships so I can't fault you for that but seriously...calling me a douche?! Grow up. I was asking for advice, not to be told that my friendships were sad. 

    You seem to be on this forum a lot. Don't be that negative person for every comment...
    I have to agree with the PPs, if you were seriously concerned and actually trying to reach out to her then you would have been on her doorstep a long time ago. That's what friends do, so if you want her to be a good friend, show her that you can be one also. 
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    AddieCakeAddieCake member
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    Why would you not show up announced at her house? Anyone you were close enough to ask to stand up with you on your wedding day ought to be someone you could show up to unannounced. 

    I agree with Vic 100%. It's a douche move to kick her out. Your comments indicate you've already made up your mind to do so. You didn't come here seeking advice and opinions. You came here seeking validation. You're going to do whatever you want, so just do it, then. 
    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
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    southernbelle0915southernbelle0915 mod
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    edited November 2013
    rikysegal said:
    The way Im thinking is- why do I have to let her still be in the wedding or even attend? Its my wedding and if she's going to make me feel uncomfortable on my day- whats the point?
    I have to say this makes it sound like you want to use your control over her position in your wedding to get back at her for "ruining" the friendship. 

    I urge you to separate the wedding from this lapse in communication. I think you should either go to her house as PPs suggested or let this ride out. Either way, disconnect this issue from the wedding and don't let your temporary anger get the best of you.
    *********************************************************************************

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    tammym1001tammym1001 member
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    rikysegal said:
    The way Im thinking is- why do I have to let her still be in the wedding or even attend? Its my wedding and if she's going to make me feel uncomfortable on my day- whats the point?
    See I was all on your side and thinking you were genuinely concerned about your friend and your friendship and then you had to go and say something like this. You don't have to "let" her be in your wedding, but you should know that you're the one being the bad friend, not her. 
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    delujm0delujm0 member
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    rikysegal said:
    The way Im thinking is- why do I have to let her still be in the wedding or even attend? Its my wedding and if she's going to make me feel uncomfortable on my day- whats the point?

    Ok first of all, being in a wedding party isn't a priviledge.  Most people aren't just dying to be in your wedding party.  You ask them because you love them and want them to stand next to you when you get married.  I think just about anyone in the world would rather plan nothing, show up at the wedding wearing whatever dress they wanted, not have to smile for 1000 pictures, and simply be a guest than be a member of a wedding party.

     

    Bottom line: you are not doing her a favor by making her a bridesmaid.  She is doing you a favor by standing up next to you, in a dress of your choosing, on your wedding day.  You're not "letting her" do anything.  You invited her to do something, and she accepted. 

     

    Proceed with your planning as normal.  If she doens't respond to communications about the BM dress, and winds up not ordering it in time, she has removed herself from your wedding party.  If she gets her dress and shows up on time and sober the day of your wedding, she will be a bridesmaid.  That's it.  Stop stressing about it. 

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    ViczaesarViczaesar member
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    edited November 2013
    rikysegal said:
    Vic- if you would have read the thread you'd see that I was concerned and tried to reach out to see if she was alright. You don't know me and don't know my relationships so I can't fault you for that but seriously...calling me a douche?! Grow up. I was asking for advice, not to be told that my friendships were sad. 

    You seem to be on this forum a lot. Don't be that negative person for every comment...
    I did read the thread.  You need to work on your reading skills.  I didn't call you a douche.  You would, however, be a douche if you kicked your friend out of the wedding because you haven't heard from her in a couple of months.  See the difference?

    If you don't want to be told that your concept of friendship is sad, then don't post that you think your friend is ruining your friendship by not talking to you for a couple of months.  That's a sad view of friendship. 



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    MyNameIsNotMyNameIsNot member
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    rikysegal said:
    Vic- if you would have read the thread you'd see that I was concerned and tried to reach out to see if she was alright. You don't know me and don't know my relationships so I can't fault you for that but seriously...calling me a douche?! Grow up. I was asking for advice, not to be told that my friendships were sad. 

    You seem to be on this forum a lot. Don't be that negative person for every comment...
    Read your original post.  If your concern for her was first, you wouldn't have started out with your wedding and showers.

    Bridesmaids are not all about getting people to shower you with gifts and attention.  It's about honoring your friendship.  If you truly care about this girl, you will see why it doesn't matter if she's MIA for a while.  If you don't, you might as well save her the trouble and end the friendship now.  
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