Registering for china - bride and groom or mother and daughter?

mbuskuhl76 · November 2013

My future mother in law wants to pick out our china and go with my fiance to register. She is telling me this is "tradition". I think the bride and groom should go pick out the china together and the registry has nothing to do with either parents.

Is this tradition or should I not care about this and just let my fiance and her mother pick out our china?

photokitty · November 2013

It might be their family tradition, but I have never heard of this as a "tradition." I would NEVER let anyone pick out my china. It was hard enough for my ex and I to agree on one. I would either insist on having final say at the very least or not register for china. Personally, I think you and your FI should pick your china and she is being loony toons! What does your FI think?

AddieCake · November 2013

I agree it's not a normal tradition but maybe it is in her family. If you want to be involved in picking out china, you need to tell your fiancee you'd like to go.

hoffse · November 2013

My husband's only requirement for our china patters was that it "not be ugly." I gave him a list and he picked a few patterns that he considered "not ugly" from that list. Then my mom and I went into the store and set the various options out with crystal, flatware, linens, etc. He wasn't involved in that part.

My mom and I also found some coordinating serving pieces that my H deemed "not ugly" after the fact. So we registered for those too.

I found going with my mom to be more useful than with my H. When I asked him which serving pieces he thought we needed his answer was, "I dunno, maybe a bowl?" Not even a little bit helpful. My mother, on the other hand, ran through the standard list of things she serves for Thanksgiving and all the different sized serving pieces she uses. She made sure we registered for enough different sizes and shapes that I could set a nice table for that occasion and that I could also do a more casual dinner with heavy apps, finger foods, etc. Without her, for instance, I would have forgotten to register for small bowls for dips and the butter dish and spreaders. And she's done so much more entertaining than me that she could tell me "You only need one of those large platters. You could use two or three of this size, though."

In other words, my H had veto power. But I would say my mom was more involved than he was in the process.

The end result? We got all of our china and most of our serving pieces. I've found that my mother was pretty correct in terms of the sizes and quantities we would need. It's nice that we don't really have redundant things, and she insisted that we make as much coordinate as possible with our casual pattern too, so that we don't have to buy duplicates for different occasions. In case you've never tried to store a turkey platter or a salad bowl... those things take up an awkward amount of space and often don't fit in standard sized cabinets. Having stored those items herself for many years, my mother knew that going into the store. I didn't understand how awkward it would be until we received them and had to store them ourselves. So her insisting that we make the extra pieces work double duty turned out to be incredibly valuable.

Just tell your FI you want to go if you would like to be involved. But you might find your MIL has some insight into this sort of thing that can be useful. So if I were you, I would welcome her help.

climbingsingle · November 2013

I've never heard of this tradition. And I'd never let someone else pick out my china.

hoffse · November 2013

OP, are you sure your MIL wants to actually pick out the china, or does she just want to go and see it/help? Because if it's the latter I really don't see the big deal.

There's another possibility: china ranges from about $50-$500 per place setting. And you typically register for 12 place settings. She might want to make sure you guys don't go crazy with it, especially if she has friends and family who will likely be buying it.

JoanE2012 · November 2013

I had a similar experience as @hoffse. My mom and I went to the store to look at china. Found a pattern but before buying/registering I brought my now DH back to look at it to "approve". It was fun for my mom and I. My DH would have been bored to tears looking at different patterns, determining how many settings, what types of serveware, etc.

MyNameIsNot · November 2013

I love my mother and respect her opinion, but I wouldn't have taken her over my H to register. H and I are the ones owning and using these things, not my mother. His opinion counts more.

Our parents all gave us advice about what to register for and about what we would need. If H hadn't wanted to be involved, I might have asked my mom to go.

jessicabessica · November 2013

The couple should pick out the items that they hope to have for decades to come.

If your MIL wants to help, I wouldn't die on this hill as long as you and your FI are in agreement that she does not get the final say, and if she is being too pushy, your FI will set and enforce boundaries. If you think it would be better for it to be just your FI and your MIL, I would go first just the two of you, and then your FI can take her mom afterwards so she feels included.

southernbelle0915 · November 2013

This is not a "normal" tradition. It may be a family tradition that is typical in your FI's family. However, marriage is the coming together of two families and it sounds like this is not a tradition in your family.

Personally, I would never let someone else pick out my own china. I'm the one who's going to own it and use it. It makes no sense. I would suggest a compromise. Let her know that it's not a tradition in your family and what you're used to is having the B&G pick out their pattern without ant parental involvement. Have your FI tell her you'll compromise by the two of you choosing a pattern and then she can tag along when you go to physically register for it.

krizzo17 · November 2013

I've never heard of this, and it does sound pushy/controlling to me, but my question is: Were you going to help pick out the china at all in the first place? If the answer is no, and your FI doesn't just want to go alone, then let your fMIL go too. If you did want a say in it, you can either compromise and say fMIL can come with you, or just explain that you're more comfortable picking these out in private.

kitty8403 · November 2013

Honestly, most men I know either don't care about the registry at all, or they just have a few specific requests/non-negotiables. Mine is the type who doesn't give a darn about china. He might be annoyed by too much floral, but mostly he just wants something to eat off of. Cookware is a different story--he has strong opinions about pans. So I'd suggest this is a "know your partner" situation.

If YOU care about your china, then I see no reason to let your FMIL make this decision without your input.

Edit: because I didn't realize OP was the groom at first.

Registering for china - bride and groom or mother and daughter?

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