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My family is livid I'm catering Thanksgiving to one person's preferences

mrsconn23mrsconn23 member
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in Wedding Woes

Dear Prudence,
I have two beautiful daughters in their 40s. One of my daughters, Katherine, lives 15 minutes away, and my other daughter, Anne, lives on the opposite coast with her children. Anne is only able to come visit us once a year, on Thanksgiving. Thanksgiving is the only time when my daughters, sons-in-law, and grandchildren come together. Three years ago, Anne’s 17-year-old daughter Molly decided to become a vegan. I respect her beliefs. Molly is deeply affected by seeing people consume animals, and told me that she is not comfortable being present at a meal where any meat is served, and that she will not be present in the house when meat is being cooked. In order to make Molly feel comfortable, I decided to make a vegetarian Thanksgiving. However, Katherine and her husband are livid, and say that they will boycott Thanksgiving. I've tried reasoning with them, and reminded them that we buy organic produce when they come over, to accommodate their beliefs. However, they have decided that they will stay home and won't see Katherine’s family at all if I "side" with them by making a vegetarian Thanksgiving. What should I do? 

—Veggie Dilemma

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Re: My family is livid I'm catering Thanksgiving to one person's preferences

  • VarunaTTVarunaTT member
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    I'll just say, I don't think anyone is in the wrong here.  Every one has the right to do/believe what they want and behave in the manner.

    I would not want to go to this vegetarian Thanksgiving either.  I wouldn't "boycott", but I'd just decline and say we've made other plans.  I'd come over after they all ate.
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  • WzzWzz member
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    i wouldnt go to this ridiculous thanksgiving dinner. i think that a fair compromise would be to have a vegetarian option. and if the teenager doesn't like it, then too bad. that is the price you pay for not being a legal adult and supporting yourself and all that. i know i would make a big deal about it, so i get why the family is boycotting, but whatever. if she wants to have a vegetarian thansgiving, that is her choice. just like it is her other daughter's choice to stay away.
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  • 6fsn6fsn member
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    I kind of see everyone's side.  I especially see grandma just wanting everyone together.  What does the kid do at lunch though? Or when she gets a job and coworker brings in a ham sammich?
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  • dharmabunnydharmabunny member
    Ninth Anniversary 500 Love Its 1000 Comments First Answer
    I kinda saw everyone's side. Everyone's entitled to how they feel about that.

    But personally, I kinda changed my opinion on strict dietary adherence (beyond egregious health concerns) when an international exchange program came to our school for recruiting.

    Really made it out like a first world problem and a luxury of plenty/too damn much. You were entitled to that belief, but if you can't see past that, then don't bother signing up.
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  • WzzWzz member
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    maybe molly needs to see a phycotherapist if being around dead meat affects her to the point that she cannot function in public.
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  • loveshine1loveshine1 member
    Ninth Anniversary 5000 Comments 25 Love Its
    Molly must never leave the house because she may see someone eating a burger in their car and have a panic attack.

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  • mrsconn23mrsconn23 member
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    I think Molly's parents raised an entitled dick.  Not that they sound that much better themselves.

    And maybe it really does go back to grandma, since she raised Anne. 

    And this line made me laugh: I've tried reasoning with them, and reminded them that we buy organic produce when they come over, to accommodate their beliefs. 

    I didn't know you had to 'believe' in organic produce.  I thought it was just something you preferred.  ;)
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  • baconsmombaconsmom member
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    It's like fairies: organic doesn't exist if you don't believe!

    Why can't Katherine come over for dessert, then, after eating her own turkey? I mean, I think the kid is entirely too spoiled and needs to learn to deal with the rest of the world (and side question: did her whole family go veggie when she went vegan? And how, exactly, does one give up cheese?!), but I also think it's rude to make a stink about what Mom wants to serve at T-giving. 
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  • mrsconn23mrsconn23 member
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    My mom would so tell ANY of us (kids or grandkids), "We'll miss you!" if we tried to make a 'stand' over what she was fixing for a holiday meal.  She'll accomodate allergies or food sensitvity (by offering several options), but would never cater to one person's request to completely change a meal...especially a traditional holiday meal. 
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  • CLI242009CLI242009 member
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    VarunaTT said:
    I'll just say, I don't think anyone is in the wrong here.  Every one has the right to do/believe what they want and behave in the manner.

    I would not want to go to this vegetarian Thanksgiving either.  I wouldn't "boycott", but I'd just decline and say we've made other plans.  I'd come over after they all ate.
    I agree. No one is in the wrong here. The granddaughter has her beliefs. Her aunt has her beliefs. Her grandma has her beliefs. They are entitled to their own belief/way of life/opinions,etc and what they will and will not eat. I don't think the granddaughter sounds entitled at all, she just doesn't like meat. She doesn't like consuming animals. There is nothing wrong with that.

    I do think the grandmother should of made a different meal option for her instead of catering to just the granddaughter. Like Varuna said, I wouldn't boycott it and stay away from family, I would try to think of a different compromise.

    She just doesn't like animals being killed and people eating them in front of her.
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  • clarke10clarke10 member
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    We're actually facing a similar situation with our wedding! FBIL (husband of FI's sister) has recently gone gluten free, like in the past 6 months. No allergy, just a personal choice in the hopes of losing weight. Last time we saw them he told us he expected our menu to be gluten free so he could still enjoy everything in the buffet. Nope. Not happening. 
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  • ReturnOfKuusReturnOfKuus member
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    I can see why Katherine is so pissed.  I'd be irate, too, if my parents and siblings were raising such an entitled hosebeast. 
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  • VarunaTTVarunaTT member
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    edited November 2013
    You know, there are people out there who are deeply committed to being vegetarians b/c of their morals.  While I don't understand it and don't feel it, I don't see any reason to call it entitled or a being a hosebeast.  At what age do we start to demonstrate to children that we will begin to extend them respect as adults and care about their opinions?  Basically only until they agree with us?  3 years is a helluva long time to just be going through a phase and it should be respected.  Obviously her family has found a way to deal with it.

    While I wouldn't have gone so far as to go completely vegetarian for the dinner as this woman has done, I don't see it as something to poke at and I would've attempted some compromise and expected the same out of everyone else.  If anything, the issue is that Molly isn't willing to compromise about the meat being cooked and served at all, rather than making sure she has options that are available beyond salad, side dishes, and bread.
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  • ReturnOfKuusReturnOfKuus member
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    It's entitled and being a hosebeast because she's not committed to being a vegetarian - she's committed also to forcing other people to conform to her beliefs, like she has a right to choose that for them.  Make it religion instead of food, and I think you'll agree with me.
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  • ReturnOfKuusReturnOfKuus member
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    This is the kind of bullshit that is behind the abortion debate, and marriage equality only now starting to become a thing - too many people just can't BEAR to see everyone else not conform to their personal beliefs, because no one else has a right to their own.  And they're raising this kid to be like this.
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  • VarunaTTVarunaTT member
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    Actually no.  "In order to make Molly comfortable, I decided to make a vegetarian meal".  

    Molly rejected the invitation, which is what I would've done.  The grandmother stepped up and decided this, not this daughter or at least that's the story we're getting.  We tell people all the time to not go to things where you're not comfortable.  Why is this one different?
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  • ReturnOfKuusReturnOfKuus member
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    Yeah, and what I'm saying is, Molly is being taught by this to be an entitled ass. 

    Molly believes that meat is murder, fine.  She doesn't have to eat meat, or animal products of any kind.  Her family should care enough about her convictions to make sure there is a full meal that is there for her to eat, that won't be against her moral code.

    But no, instead Molly is insisting that she can't bear to see other people, who don't share her beliefs, behave in accordance with their own beliefs.  And grandma's solution is that everyone should come and adhere to Molly's beliefs for the night, because that would make her comfortable.  That's encouraging entitled, self-absorbed fuckery.
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  • VarunaTTVarunaTT member
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    Grandma is the problem, not Molly or Molly's beliefs.  A simple rejection and explanation is not rude, insistent, nor is it self-absorbed or fuckery.  It's the truth for her.  And it's not some sort of truth like, "I prefer to eat nuts an bolts, thankssomuch" where the was no room for compromise.
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  • ReturnOfKuusReturnOfKuus member
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    You know, I think it is.  It's the equivalent of parents saying that they're not attending their adult offspring's wedding because the offspring aren't getting married in the church.  It's the very same thing, and we've all agreed here that doing that is assy.
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  • VarunaTTVarunaTT member
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    You have basically assumed that Molly has pulled some sort of temper tantrum.  Which nowhere does it say she did.  Grandma stepped up and said that she decided to do this and now people are mad at her.  The 2 situations aren't comparable as far as you know.
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  • CLI242009CLI242009 member
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    I am with VarunaTT on this. I do not see Molly as the problem here. No where does it say or gives the impression Molly said "no one eats meat, or I don't come" Like VarunaTT said, she declined, Grandma wanted her to come, so Grandma is the one that changed the meal to fit Molly's belief.

    Molly wasn't forcing anyone to conform to her beliefs. She was going to step out and not come so it didn't make anyone feel uncomfortable.
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  • CLI242009CLI242009 member
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    edited November 2013
    I am with VarunaTT on this. I do not see Molly as the problem here. No where does it say or gives the impression Molly said "no one eats meat, or I don't come" Like VarunaTT said, she declined, Grandma wanted her to come, so Grandma is the one that changed the meal to fit Molly's belief.

    Molly wasn't forcing anyone to conform to her beliefs. She was going to step out and not come so it didn't make anyone feel uncomfortable.


    I am not sure how this double posted. I am sorry about that.
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  • ReturnOfKuusReturnOfKuus member
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    "Molly is deeply affected by seeing people consume animals, and told me that she is not comfortable being present at a meal where any meat is served, and that she will not be present in the house when meat is being cooked."

    That.  That right there is the tantrum.  It says it right in the original post.  Molly won't be in a house where other people are behaving according to their beliefs instead of hers, just like the religious right don't want to be in a country where other people are behaving according to their own beliefs.  It's jackassery.
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  • CLI242009CLI242009 member
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    I don't see this as being jackassery. If this environment makes her uncomfortable why should she force herself to be around something that she is not okay with?

    She isn't okay with it, she stated she wasn't and decided to not go. She isn't forcing anything. She was just stating that being in that environment would make her uncomfortable. So forcing HER to be around something that makes her uncomfortable is okay? All that does is switch the problem.

    If someone is truly uncomfortable about something it is wrong to force them to sit there and "just bare with it". Maybe this isn't a big deal for some people, but it's a big deal to Molly. That should be respected. it may seem stupid for something like this to be a big deal, but to her it is.

    It's not her being a jackass. It was her stating to her Grandma, "sorry Grandma but I am not okay with being around meat and where meat is being cooked. I'm going to decline the invitation to Thanksgiving dinner."
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  • CLI242009CLI242009 member
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    I'm actually kind of confused about this part: "Three years ago, Anne’s 17-year-old daughter Molly" Does she mean 3 years ago when Molly was 14 or does she mean 3 years ago Molly decided this and now she is 20?

    @scribe95 - If Molly decides that it's her choice (the whole restaurant comment) . Although that would be very hard to pull off. I don't think she needs to as you said chill, again if it makes her uncomfortable it is not right for anyone to force her do anything.

    I still don't think it's throwing a tantrum. All I see is a young girl expressing what she is and isn't comfortable with. Forcing her to chill and just deal with it and go to the dinner is not right. It's also not right of the Grandma to force everyone to eat what Molly would eat. If Molly is really not comfortable with this than her parents should not force her to go and therefore should skip Thanksgiving dinner.


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  • Chipmunk415Chipmunk415 member
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    Confession time- I don't eat meat directly off bone. No wings, no ribs, no bone in fried chicken from publix. My Dad owned a private autopsy business for 20 years. After going on a few autopsies, it was just something I couldn't physically do without the mental image.

    This does not mean I insist everyone else eat boneless meat. FI LOVES wings and ribs. I've no problem with him eating them in front of me. Thanksgiving turkey, I have no problem carving it (though FI normally handles that part), I just don't want bones in my meat on my plate. I've also mastered the art of gracefully and quietly cutting the meat away from the bone and moving the bone to the side of my plate. I've even offered to learn how to cook certain foods with the bone in for FI.

    Molly has the right to not eat meat and prefer vegetarian options. She does not have the right to insist there be no meat on the table. She can be seated well away from the turkey. FWIW, we never have the whole bird on the table- we slice that sucker in the kitchen and bring out a platter of sliced meat. If the potatoes and green beans are piled high, how the heck will she see it?

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