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Wedding Etiquette Forum

Pregnant Bridesmaid

One of my dear friends and bridesmaids recently discovered she is pregnant.  Coincidentally, her due date is 2 days before my wedding.  She is in the higher risk age bracket for pregnancy/birth complications, and her first child was nearly lost during birth (he'll be one in a week!).  Because of the risk, her doctor advised that, whether she's had her baby by the wedding or not, she not travel long distances.  The wedding venue is a two hour drive from her house, and the doctor told her even that was too far.  

She was felt conflicted about not being able to stand up (possibly literally lol) in the wedding and said she still wants to help out with "bridesmaid duties" (her words, not mine).  Of course I told her that I expect nothing from her, but she wants to be part of everything and help plan the shower and bachelorette party that my MOH discussed with her. 

Here's my question: Her name is up on my wedding website as part of the bridal party.  We sent out save the dates last week so people have already seen the site.  Should I take her name down or leave it up?  I know it's not likely that she would be able to attend, and if she were able, I feel like it would only be if the baby was premature or she had a miscarriage (both stressful situations that would still probably keep her from coming).  I want her to know that I am so happy for her and that I honor our friendship.  Will it be hurtful if I take her name off of the list on the website?  What would all you wonderful etiquette gurus do in this situation?


Re: Pregnant Bridesmaid

  • I have a feeling other will disagree with me, but I feel that with a situation like this etiquette shouldn't be considered so much as feelings, friendship, and what would makes you both feel happiest in the end.

    If it were me I would probably leave her on the list. I would also take her at face value that she does still want to be a part of things and to help out. I know some people hate doing anything more than showing up in a dress, but I have found that others really love helping out the bride and being part of the excitement (I have a girl in my own wedding party who was already excited about doing these things with me, and helping out a ton, and this was before I had even asked her to be in the wedding party). Of course make sure she never feels obligated or pushed but I think you know that. I know if I were in her situation I would genuinly want to be a part still and help out (maybe I would feel differently many months into the pregnancy, but I know my initial thoughts would be honest)
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  • Leave her on the list. She was important enough for you to ask her in the first place.

    If she's not there physically, just make her an honourary BM -- a title, btw, which can only be used for people not physically present whom you would have (or did) ask who cannot, for whatever reason, be physically present.
    Anniversary

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    I'm gonna go with 'not my circus, not my monkeys.'
  • I would leave it up. She sounds like an amazing friend who is still trying to be there for you despite her own situation. I'm not an etiquette guru, I am still learning from them, but I am a big softie and the big softie says she should stay on.
  • Leave her on your list.  If she were not currently pregnant, she would have been a BM who attended your ceremony.  The way I look at it, she wants to participate in all of the BM things, so keep her as a BM.  She just won't buy a dress or attend your ceremony.  I know the ceremony is the big part, but she just won't be able to make it.

    I would suggest getting BM dresses in navy, black, or some other neutral and easy to find everywhere color.  If she does have the baby a few weeks early, she may still be able to attend your ceremony.  Just tell her she can go buy any navy dress that makes her comfortable.  But if she does have the baby a few weeks early, let her tell you she is able to attend now. 
  • How exciting for your friend that she's having a baby, but a bummer that it sounds like she won't be able to attend the wedding.

    I guess I don't really understand what the benefits are to taking her off the website. Were you thinking confusion on the part of your guests? Just accuracy? I don't really see a benefit to removing her name, but I can see potential downsides. Because of that, I'd just leave her up. 
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  • I'd leave her name up. 
  • Thanks for the good advice, ladies. I wanted to leave her on the list; I just wasn't sure if it would be weird or something. @HisGirlFriday13, I really like the idea of the honorary bridesmaid title. That way, she can still be in the programs so my guests know how special she is to me.
  • JustNicki said:
    Thanks for the good advice, ladies. I wanted to leave her on the list; I just wasn't sure if it would be weird or something. @HisGirlFriday13, I really like the idea of the honorary bridesmaid title. That way, she can still be in the programs so my guests know how special she is to me.
    But what if she delivers early and can attend? Just let her under bridesmaid so you have all your bases covered. 
  • JustNickiJustNicki member
    100 Love Its 10 Comments First Anniversary Name Dropper
    edited November 2013


    JustNicki said:

    Thanks for the good advice, ladies. I wanted to leave her on the list; I just wasn't sure if it would be weird or something. @HisGirlFriday13, I really like the idea of the honorary bridesmaid title. That way, she can still be in the programs so my guests know how special she is to me.

    But what if she delivers early and can attend? Just let her under bridesmaid so you have all your bases covered. 
    ------------------------------------

    Huh, that's a good point. I'll just leave everything as is.
  • JustNicki said:
    JustNicki said:
    Thanks for the good advice, ladies. I wanted to leave her on the list; I just wasn't sure if it would be weird or something. @HisGirlFriday13, I really like the idea of the honorary bridesmaid title. That way, she can still be in the programs so my guests know how special she is to me.
    But what if she delivers early and can attend? Just let her under bridesmaid so you have all your bases covered. 
    ------------------------------------ Huh, that's a good point. I'll just leave everything as is.
    Good call. And if she is absent someone could mention she why in one sentence during the toasts - if you want :)
    :kiss: ~xoxo~ :kiss:

  • I'd leave her name in.  It's just kindness.
  • Agree- leave her name in. She is still one of your bridesmaids, even if she can't be there. 
  • Same thing happened to me. By the time of my wedding she was so huge (nearly twice the size of her first baby) and her special pregnancy dress didn't fit. It could have been altered, but she told me she would be so uncomfortable standing up that she wanted my blessing to bow out. I gave it to her. My programs were printed and so was the seating directory. It would have cost $250 to reprint everything and I thought that was silly. I kept her in the listings as a bridesmaid and she sat with us at the head table.
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  • Keep her listed on the website, and keep her involved with everything you do with your bridesmaids, including dress shopping even though she's not buying a dress. Just because she can't be there on that one day doesn't mean anything about your relationship with her has changed. In fact, if it works for her, I'd probably have one of your other bridesmaids try to skype/facetime her in for a few minutes while you were getting ready pre-wedding, too. 
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