Wedding Woes

My wedding

KBeckOTKBeckOT member
First Comment
edited January 2014 in Wedding Woes
Problem solved!

Re: My wedding

  • KBeckOT said:
    I need serious help. My fiance and I found a venue that we both really like and our families were both involved in the whole process and we all made the decision together. I wanted a smaller wedding...around 120 or so people...his mom had emailed me a list of her guests (including her cousins and aunts) and it was around 150 people(!!!!) not including my side of the family or my friends or my fiance's friends.  Anyway, we put a down payment on the venue me and my fiance loved (of course it has it's drawbacks, but we liked it the most out of all the venues we saw).  The problem is...it only fits 110 people.  But my fiance's parents told us to book it...so we did...a month ago.  Yesterday, my future MIL calls my fiance and tells him that she wants to look for a new venue that fits more people because it's unfair that there isn't enough room for everyone she wants to invite.  My fiance is a people pleaser and wants to make everyone happy. So he tells her that he's open to looking at new places.  I'm furious. I have sent out save the dates with the city of our current venue on it...and now it might be changed.  I'm trying to get my fiance to back me up, but his mom sounds like such a bully on the phone when they talk (telling her how disappointed his dad will be and how disappointed she will be that they can't celebrate such a happy time with everyone they know).  She emailed me today saying that she just wanted everyone to be happy...but having 200 people at our wedding won't make me OR my family happy...especially if the extra 100 guests are just my future in-laws' friends and family (super extended family...I mean we're talking people I have never heard of).  The problem is, my fiance's parents are willing to pay for a lot of the wedding so they think that they're entitled to have control over EVERYTHING whereas my family is helping out, but they just want the wedding to be as I envisioned it. Help me!
    I'm kinda sorta in the same boat as you are, however my FI and I are footing the bill for our wedding.  We originally wanted an afternoon reception (from 1-5pm) she put her 2 cents in and said that she would pay the difference (2500.00) to have an evening reception.  So, we agreed and booked an evening reception.  Since then, she has been throwing mini-hissy fits over what FI and I are deciding (flowers, favors, DJ, etc).  She is wanting things "her" way and it's all because she gave us SOME money.  After looking at all that we have paid so far, and the generous gift that FMIL will be giving us, we found out that the money she does contribute is going towards gratuity/service fees/taxes for the reception.  

    FMIL wanted to know if HER NAME was going to be on the invites.  She asked FI over the phone one day because he said that I was working on the invites for the wedding.  He told her that he wasn't sure and asked me.  I told him no.  When he said no, I heard her ask "well, why not?" and he said because they're not.  Period.  I could hear her questioning the entire time, to which he kept saying just because and that's it.  FMIL is surely going to be upset that HER NAME isn't going on the invites.  Then on top of all that, she wanted to add a few more people to our ever growing list.  Our minimum at the venue is 140.  We explained to ALL of our parents that we are only budgeting for 140 and that if they have anyone extra, they have to pay for them.  FMIL said she's giving us money for the reception to which we both said that it covers the 140 not any additional.  We actually cut all of the family lists down to a bare minimum just so WE could be able to invite the few close friends that we want there.  Both FMIL and my mother had people on lists that neither one of us had ever heard of or met, so we scratched them right away.  We explained that if we haven't heard of them, met them more than once or seen them in the last year, they weren't invited.  They understood that, but FMIL is still trying to add those people back onto the list that we cut off.  

    They say wedding's bring out the worst in people, well I have a FMIL that is being a FMIL-zilla.  


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  • thejucheideathejucheidea East Nashville, Tennessee member
    Tenth Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    KBeckOT said:
    The problem is, my fiance's parents are willing to pay for a lot of the wedding so they think that they're entitled to have control over EVERYTHING whereas my family is helping out, but they just want the wedding to be as I envisioned it. Help me!

    Sorry homes, but whoever pays has the say. If you want to have a wedding on your terms, pay for it youself. If they're paying for the majority, they get a big say.

    doeydo
  • KBeckOT said:
    The problem is, my fiance's parents are willing to pay for a lot of the wedding so they think that they're entitled to have control over EVERYTHING whereas my family is helping out, but they just want the wedding to be as I envisioned it. Help me!

    Sorry homes, but whoever pays has the say. If you want to have a wedding on your terms, pay for it youself. If they're paying for the majority, they get a big say.
    I disagree with some of this logic.  FMIL gave us X towards the reception.  She's demanding WAY more then what she gave money for and I've had to put my foot down.  I don't think that OP should have to bend because one side is paying more than the other.  If they agreed to X number of people at the wedding and the one side has 150 on the guest list, that should definitely be cut down.  IMHO it doesn't matter who pays, the bride and the groom should have the final say....

    Wedding Countdown Ticker


    Michelle & Ronald
    01/03/81
    06/18/81
    08/25/10
    05/07/13
    03/15/14


    image172 Invites sent
    image 132 adults and 3 kids are party animals
    image 40 are party poopers
    image 0 awaiting reply
    Need 8 adults to make minimum.  Eek.
  • thejucheideathejucheidea East Nashville, Tennessee member
    Tenth Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    IMHO it doesn't matter who pays, the bride and the groom should have the final say....

    Not their money, not their say. The best thing to do is to decline monetary offerings if you're not willing to entertain those giving the money. People who contribute can definitely decide to be benevolent dictators -- I would say that most do -- but they're under no obligation to be benevolent when it's their cash involved.

    If you want to do your own thing, pay for your own thing. We did it and you can do it too.


    doeydo
  • I'm really torn on this. I know that whoever is paying for the wedding should get the final say. But I think your FMIL is being really unreasonably and your FI should talk to you about it. It is not a day for her to celebrate with all of her friends. It is a day for her to celebrate her son's marriage. Her friends that you and FI don't even know are not necessary for that. Also, if you've already signed a venue contract, put down a deposit and sent out STD's, I think you just tell her its too late to change the venue.
    image
  • edited November 2013



    IMHO it doesn't matter who pays, the bride and the groom should have the final say....

    Not their money, not their say. The best thing to do is to decline monetary offerings if you're not willing to entertain those giving the money. People who contribute can definitely decide to be benevolent dictators -- I would say that most do -- but they're under no obligation to be benevolent when it's their cash involved.

    If you want to do your own thing, pay for your own thing. We did it and you can do it too.


    *Stuck in a box* I couldnt disagree more. My mother told me that her mom paid for x and her fmil paid for y. Neither one of them (her fmil or mom) had the final say on guest lists etc. My sil and brother both said that even though sil's parents paid for most of the wedding he and sil had final say on guest list etc. Fi and I are paying for all of our wedding with the exception of the little bit of money fmil is giving. She is demanding way more then the money she hasn't even given us. I feel that OP should stand up with her fi and say whats done is done. Period. No 150 people on one list. It should be cut down so their friends can be invited.

    Wedding Countdown Ticker


    Michelle & Ronald
    01/03/81
    06/18/81
    08/25/10
    05/07/13
    03/15/14


    image172 Invites sent
    image 132 adults and 3 kids are party animals
    image 40 are party poopers
    image 0 awaiting reply
    Need 8 adults to make minimum.  Eek.
  • I would consider postponing until you figure out how you're going to handle your future husband agreeing with you, then caving when Mom puts up a fuss, because you know this wedding won't be the last time.

    If I were you, I'd just tell her that your wedding isn't her family reunion, and she has 20 guests she can invite, period.  No arguments.
    image
    thejucheideaWzzdoeydo

  • Have you tried setting an equal amount of financial contribution for each party so it's not so lopsided? Even if one party can afford more. Then determine a percentage of guests for each party. That way, whoever is paying does get a say, but it's a controlled say. Does that make sense? 

    Also, don't know what your financial situation is, but I wouldn't throw away deposit money for a booked venue. It sounds crazy in my head to accommodate one individual that much. 

    Also, you and your fiance need to be on the same page. My fiance is a people pleaser too, but when it comes to matters of the wedding and our life he is very protective and does not put up with passive aggressiveness from my side or his side. We often reply with, "we will consider what you are saying, but ultimately it boils down to our budget." More often then not, they will back off. 

    Yes, I have offered to pay for the wedding myself so that my FMIL won't feel like she has say over everything. In the very beginning we asked my FI family for a budget (and I have a budget from my family) and they refused to give us one because they say that they just want to have a nice wedding and money isn't an issue.  My FI says that his family is never comfortable talking about money. He asked them several times for a budget and they just never gave him one (but now they want to look at a venue where the food and beverage minimum is $25k! Which just seems like too much. I'm not a person who values people's socioeconomic statuses, and having a big fancy wedding is not my personality at all).  The problem is that FMIL paid the deposit on the original balance and is willing to forfeit that money to find another venue (I can't even fathom just throwing away $1000 like that! Think of all the starving kids you could feed....it sickens me).  I've told my fiance so many times to have my back and I'd appreciate him taking my side and he says that he doesn't want to take any sides. I've told him I can't really imagine being married to someone who won't have my back no matter how much I love him. I just think his family is too entitled and despite them saying that they want everyone to be happy, from my perspective they just want to make themselves happy and don't care about how anyone else feels!
  • Yep.  Definitely postpone.
    image
  • maybe you can also suggest meeting with a meeting planner if she is willing to spend money all willy nilly. perhaps it is time to get a professional involved.
  • I will take your money to tell your FMIL to sit the hell down and stop trying to hijack someone else's life event.
    image
  • I would consider postponing until you figure out how you're going to handle your future husband agreeing with you, then caving when Mom puts up a fuss, because you know this wedding won't be the last time.

    If I were you, I'd just tell her that your wedding isn't her family reunion, and she has 20 guests she can invite, period.  No arguments.
    THANK YOU! Sorry I'm just so happy to see that someone else thinks this!

    My FI and I are paying for everything so for this situation I can't give any advice on it to the OP. I agree she needs to put her foot down, that everyone needs to get on the same page and figure out a # and then stick with that #. If multiple people are contributing to the wedding than they all need to be on the same page.
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  • My FMIL wanted to help with the wedding, but she is a bit domineering at times.  So I let her plan a pre-wedding event for us instead of giving us a monetary distribution.  She felt like she helped out, and we don't have to tell her any of her plans for our wedding or feel pressured by her about our wedding.  I don't know if it is an option at all, but could you earmark the money that they give for a certain aspect?  Say that they are paying for the bar?  The flowers?  The food?  Then they get a say on that, but you reduce their overall influence on the entire wedding. 

  • Thanks for all the advice everyone! I really appreciate all your input!
  • I know that H would not have married me had I not stood up to my mother when she went BSC during wedding planning. It was hard because my mom had bossed me my whole life, but I did it to establish a new precedent. You cannot manipulate me anymore, and my husband comes first. Took awhile, but she finally stopped, and even now when she throws a temper tantrum, it's easier to deal with because I know I can just ignore her and the world won't end.

    Find a way to pay the in laws back for the deposit on the venue, then give them a number of people they can invite. Then you can plan the wedding you and Fi want.
  • You need to make sure that your FI has you back, even if he's not comfortable taking sides he needs to make YOU the number one priority over his family. My FI had troubles with this at the beginning because his mother ALWAYS has to have her way and his whole family just lets her. Since she's been a nightmare through our planning process, he has been telling her NO a lot more and has been sticking up for the ways we decide to live our lives. She doesn't like it but tough shit, it's our wedding and our lives, not hers.

    My favorite quote about this is from HIMYM, when Barney tells his mom if both her and Robyn are about to fall off a cliff that she better enjoy the fall because Robyn is his number one priority now. Sorry for the random TV show analogy but it makes me laugh and it's completely true.

     

    JCbride2015
  • KBeckOT said:

    Have you tried setting an equal amount of financial contribution for each party so it's not so lopsided? Even if one party can afford more. Then determine a percentage of guests for each party. That way, whoever is paying does get a say, but it's a controlled say. Does that make sense? 

    Also, don't know what your financial situation is, but I wouldn't throw away deposit money for a booked venue. It sounds crazy in my head to accommodate one individual that much. 

    Also, you and your fiance need to be on the same page. My fiance is a people pleaser too, but when it comes to matters of the wedding and our life he is very protective and does not put up with passive aggressiveness from my side or his side. We often reply with, "we will consider what you are saying, but ultimately it boils down to our budget." More often then not, they will back off. 

    Yes, I have offered to pay for the wedding myself so that my FMIL won't feel like she has say over everything. In the very beginning we asked my FI family for a budget (and I have a budget from my family) and they refused to give us one because they say that they just want to have a nice wedding and money isn't an issue.  My FI says that his family is never comfortable talking about money. He asked them several times for a budget and they just never gave him one (but now they want to look at a venue where the food and beverage minimum is $25k! Which just seems like too much. I'm not a person who values people's socioeconomic statuses, and having a big fancy wedding is not my personality at all).  The problem is that FMIL paid the deposit on the original balance and is willing to forfeit that money to find another venue (I can't even fathom just throwing away $1000 like that! Think of all the starving kids you could feed....it sickens me).  I've told my fiance so many times to have my back and I'd appreciate him taking my side and he says that he doesn't want to take any sides. I've told him I can't really imagine being married to someone who won't have my back no matter how much I love him. I just think his family is too entitled and despite them saying that they want everyone to be happy, from my perspective they just want to make themselves happy and don't care about how anyone else feels!
    But you're still going to go through with the wedding anyway and just hope he magically grows a pair, right?

    RebeccaB88
  • If he hasn't grown a set by now, he's not going to magically grow a set after speaking wedding vows.
    Anniversary

    image
    I'm gonna go with 'not my circus, not my monkeys.'
    [Deleted User]RebeccaB88CLI242009
  • very close family and friends only on both sides. not family you have not seen in ages not familys family like you have 3rd cousins who are on the list and they have 4 kids. 


    we kept it simple close family aunts uncles cousins important people my moms first cousins and my dads first cousins and there so  who i still see on a regular basis. close family friends on my side and his side and good friends of ours 

    you have to be firm ask your fi to ask his mom how many really on that list are needed if she is doing it beacuse she wants them to give you a gift then its crazy 

  • zitiqueen said:
    KBeckOT said:

    Have you tried setting an equal amount of financial contribution for each party so it's not so lopsided? Even if one party can afford more. Then determine a percentage of guests for each party. That way, whoever is paying does get a say, but it's a controlled say. Does that make sense? 

    Also, don't know what your financial situation is, but I wouldn't throw away deposit money for a booked venue. It sounds crazy in my head to accommodate one individual that much. 

    Also, you and your fiance need to be on the same page. My fiance is a people pleaser too, but when it comes to matters of the wedding and our life he is very protective and does not put up with passive aggressiveness from my side or his side. We often reply with, "we will consider what you are saying, but ultimately it boils down to our budget." More often then not, they will back off. 

    Yes, I have offered to pay for the wedding myself so that my FMIL won't feel like she has say over everything. In the very beginning we asked my FI family for a budget (and I have a budget from my family) and they refused to give us one because they say that they just want to have a nice wedding and money isn't an issue.  My FI says that his family is never comfortable talking about money. He asked them several times for a budget and they just never gave him one (but now they want to look at a venue where the food and beverage minimum is $25k! Which just seems like too much. I'm not a person who values people's socioeconomic statuses, and having a big fancy wedding is not my personality at all).  The problem is that FMIL paid the deposit on the original balance and is willing to forfeit that money to find another venue (I can't even fathom just throwing away $1000 like that! Think of all the starving kids you could feed....it sickens me).  I've told my fiance so many times to have my back and I'd appreciate him taking my side and he says that he doesn't want to take any sides. I've told him I can't really imagine being married to someone who won't have my back no matter how much I love him. I just think his family is too entitled and despite them saying that they want everyone to be happy, from my perspective they just want to make themselves happy and don't care about how anyone else feels!
    But you're still going to go through with the wedding anyway and just hope he magically grows a pair, right?
    That is not good at all. Your FI is going to be starting a life with you. He chose you as his life partner. He needs to be having your back and sticking up for you. If he's not on your side then that is going to cause some major issues down the road.

    I would have a serious talk with him first before continuing with any more of the wedding planning. It may seem "trivial" to him but if he can't have your back and stick up to his mom when you BOTH decide on something on something "trivial" what's going to happen when the really big issues happen and he HAS to make a decision.




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  • Personally I think that even if someone else is paying, the final say is still up to the bride and groom. If someone chooses to help you pay for the wedding, they are giving you a gift and should respect what you choose to do with that gift. Your wedding is a day for you and your future husband and it should be exactly what you want.  My future in-laws are helping us out with my wedding as well, but they have been pretty good about leaving the decision making up to us.  However, our guest list is way bigger than I ever expected it to be due to the extra people that "we just have to invite because...".  There has to be some give and take on both ends, but when push comes to shove it's your wedding, not theirs.  Hopefully you are willing to be honest with them about how you feel and they are willing to be understanding. 
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