LONG VENT - So Sorry but

kittykinst · September 2013

hey girls, ok so I need a serious vent session regarding my mother. My fiancé and I got engaged in Costa Maya, Mexico in August on a cruise we took with my parents and from day 1...actually from hour 1 my mother has been a complete nightmare to deal with. First, she looks at my engagement ring, had nothing nice to say and instead said that if her 3 diamonds were combined on her ring into one it would be bigger then mine. My fiancé almost died after hearing that especially since my ring cost him half his annuity and almost a third of his yearly salary. And the funny thing is,...my parents love my fiancé so its not like she was trying to be like that to be snotty or rude....I think she is just really jealous. Next came the fighting over and engagement party. We wanted to have a pig roast in October and have everyone come to MI and celebrate. But Because she was so stubborn about not having it in MI where I live, we cancelled it because she went on and on about how her and my grandmother needed surgery...yet 2 days after surgery, she was on her way to watch a NASCAR race...even though we put money down and were going to pay for it ourselves, she still pushed me to cancel it. My fiancé and i are paying for our entire wedding ourselves. My mother once upon a time offered to buy my dress and that is and was fine with me. My mother tried convincing us to have something small and at town hall, but i waited a long time for this and wasn’t going to just let it go by without some sort of wedding i wanted. and i understood every penny was our responsibility and so i have not asked nor suggested for any money from my family at all. She calls me high maintenance and a Prima Donna and tells me that my taste is too expensive. Mind you my wedding is costing us 25K. I know we are fortunate to do that but I know people who were 2 or 3 times that. I am livid that she keeps trying to make things convenient for her and doesn’t give a crap about anything i want. Call me bridezilla, but i am at the end of my rope with my mother. I cant tell her to just butt out because that’s my mother...but i don’t think she has the right to tell me what to do when she isn’t paying the bill. Everything is all about her...her dress, her entrance, etc. she is coming to visit in 2 weeks to looks for dresses for me. Which i already have it picked out....but once she heard the price, she threw a hissy fit about it and made me call a bunch of places to find it cheaper. I finally found a place who had the dress for $1000 and she is still complaining (got it down from $1400 for her and got the alterations added for free). She’s already asking me if we could go look for her dress. so ...im ready to spend the whole weekend catering to her again and probably wont get my dress.

The latest and greatest thing is , last night i get a call from my best friend and maid of honor telling me that my mother Facebooked her and sent her a note about my shower. Basically the note said that my mother knows that i don’t want my shower in MI (because i live 3.5 hrs from my parents) and that my mother basically doesn’t care. She wants it in OH. Not to mention that my mother in law is being left out of the loop which i don’t like. My mother wants the shower in like 3 months....but im not getting married for over a year . UGH!!!!!! My mother is telling my maid of honor that my MOH is responsible for the shower...and that my mother will be there to help out but that she wants it in OH and that i don’t get to plan my shower and so its where my MOH and mother decide. My MOH doesn’t have a lot of money which i told my mother and i feel bad that my mother is pushing her into doing the shower too when she just doesn’t have the money. My fiancés mom already thought the parents would throw the shower and let my MOH do the bachelorette so that she isn’t left with all the financial burden. Plus neither family is giving us any money toward the wedding anyway. I cant believe that my planning has turned into a complete and utter nightmare. They need to really make a momzilla show...because my mother is so ridiculous it would be sheer entertainment to watch i am sure. But in the meantime...she is ruining everything....i haven’t slept in weeks and keep having nightmares about my wedding. this is NOT how things should be. Thoughts, input, for sanity advice???? UGH!

realtwistedsister · September 2013

yeah-here's the thing. if someone is throwing you a party-engagement or shower-THEY plan it and THEY get to dictate where it is. You don't throw yourself those parties. Honestly-that's not a hill to die on-go to your shower and enjoy it. It's not the end of the world, you need to stay OUT of it between your MOH and your mom about your shower. Your MOH has a mouth and can tell your mom exactly how much she can contribute (if any). since your mom is throwing it she'll have to deal with it. Stay OUT OF IT!!!
As for her dress-let HER choose it. It's her dress and HER budget. To me you're being the crazy one with that.
as for everything else-who cares what she wants? it's your wedding and, since she's not contributing financially, she gets only as much say as you allow her to have. Put your foot down. The next time she says she thinks you should have something small your answer needs to be 'this isn't up for discussion' and move on to another topic. keep doing that.

also-seeing how she's being-why on EARTH would you allow her to help you choose your dress? just so she can pay? is it worth the ordeal? to me-nope. I'd much rather suck it up, pay for my own dress and be free and clear of any kind of drama about it-like she's created with the other stuff.

Sue-n-Kevin · September 2013

I am sorry you are going through this with your mom. You do only get one mom, but she isn't acting in a "mom" manner, at least not like any Mom I know.

If she's coming to visit and you have plans to go dress shopping with her, don't let her ruin this experience for you. Take your MOH or someone else if you can so at least you have someone "on your side" at that time.

As for the rest of it, I kind of agree with the above poster: showers are thrown by others for the bride & groom. Those planning the shower do get to decide a lot. If you have friends in the local area who also want to attend a shower locally maybe one of them will throw you a shower.....but YOU don't get to suggest that to them, it has to be their idea.

As for the rest of the issues surrounding your wedding, talk to your Mom about how she is hijacking your joy. This is something you have always envisioned. Explain if she continues to express discontent at your plans, you will stop speaking to her entirely about the wedding, and her involvement will be to accept the invitation you send to her. Period. And then do just that: stop discussing anything about the wedding with her. If she brings it up, change the subject. Remind her that you warned her, and keep all your plans to yourself. Don't dicuss your plans on public social network sites like Facebook. You and your fiance plan the wedding you want and can pay for. Don't accept any money from your Mom for the wedding, or you will be turning over to her some of the control.

Good luck.

kittykinst · September 2013

think I might have worded it wrong. I don’t mind what dress she chooses...I don’t care if she comes to the wedding in a circus tent...that’s not what I meant... What I meant was...we planned the weekend for her to come visit (Which in the more than 4 years I have lived in MI she has visited 2 times) and she was supposed to be coming because she wanted to pay for my dress and see it in person, not for us to go dress shopping for her. I know though she wants my opinion on her dress and that’s fine. but I made the weekend appointment for me...not her. She had once upon a time said, "if you ever get married, I will buy your dress"...so I took her up on the offer and we made plans... I will let everyone know how that one goes. LOL But had I known it was going to be a huge ordeal I would have said screw it. I even budgeted accordingly because I knew my mother wasn’t going to let me get what I wanted and fight me on it...so rather then have a dress I did not want...I have the money ..just in case. But I’m giving her the benefit of the doubt with this one. Her dress she could get anywhere. But she wants to go look on the weekend we were going to go try on the few dresses I narrowed my choice down to for me. like I said,,...I have the one in my mind that is "the dress"....but convincing her to pay the $1000 for it has been nightmarish. Honestly the thing about doing the shower in OH is that every one of my friends and my fiancés family lives here. I’m trying to think on the practical side where I’m saying, why inconvenience 60 people when 8 people can come here instead and also stay up here. All my life I’ve done nothing but travel to OH and Pennsylvania visiting family, being there when I was needed, traveling to other family events. I feel like my mother is just being lazy and stubborn because she doesn’t want to drive 3 hrs to come up here. She would rather 60 people travel down there instead...and to me that’s stupid but I guess if she will pay for the extra expense then it could be that way. She’s wanted me to have everything in OH and I don’t live there which means having to lug everything back with me and also I have no where to stay in OH (my parents house I sleep on the couch when I visit)...and I would much rather prefer everything being here then me having to travel ...yet again....which I always do. I would LOVEEEEE LOVE LOVE to stay out of it...but my maid of honor knew that what my mom wanted to do wasn’t what I wanted. I’ll have to try and tell her to put the ball in my mom’s court with “If you are paying I’ll do what you want” If I am paying it will be what I SAY” Not to mention....where is my mother in law in all of this....my mom refuses to even include her because my mother in law lives here in MI and knows she will push for a shower here.

chellekel · September 2013

You can have more than one shower. IF your MOH and FMIL volunteer to throw you a shower you can give them an invite list to include all of the Michigan guests. IF your mother wants to throw you a wedding shower in Ohio, then give her a guest list for Ohio guests even if it's just 8 people. Just make sure that the guestlist for the two showers does not overlap. If your MOH can't stand up to your mom on her own behalf, then that's on her, but you really should stay out of it.

heatherjoy1187 · September 2013

i am having two showers; on in Port Huron and one in Birch Run because our parents live in those two places. in the end it is easier on everyone, and thankfully both mine and my fiance's mom agreed with me on that.

Vivandiere8 · October 2013

So sorry to hear about your troubles with your mother. You do need to put your foot down, but I know that can be easier said than done. I think the ideas about having two showers is a good one though. Your mother should not be able to tell the MOH that she has to both plan it, pay for it, and also do what your mom says. IF your MOH is really suppose to be in charge of it she should simply explain that the shower she is throwing (perhaps together with the grooms mother?) will be up there since most people are from there. But if your mother wants to pay for another and throw it herself I would say let her go for it. This will be hard though because I foresee a lot more drama down the road. The important thing I think is for you to prepare yourself for her continuing to try to run things, bully people, cause drama, etc. Don't be surprised by it and you won't feel so hurt. When you deal with her roll your eyes inwardly, and smile and nod as much as possible, then do exactly what you were planning to do all along. Enjoy your moments and don't get too involved emotionally with her drama if you can help it. Maybe catch future issues in advance. For example don't share with her every detail, or the cost of everything. My own mother is great, but she is a very thrifty person, so since I am paying for it myself I won't be telling her how much my dress is costing me. I just don't want to hear her say "Maybe you can find it second hand..." If she asks I will just smile and say "That is for me to know", and change the subject.

georgia peach99 · November 2013

I'm so sorry to hear all of this. I felt at time that people weren't listening to what I want - some still aren't, however, you must keep in site what exactly will come out of all of this - you marring the man you are in love with. Try to keep that in mind, and perhaps, it'll just make it all slightly better.

LONG VENT - So Sorry but

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