Feeling Alone

AylaInLove · November 2013

Hey. Lurker here. Finally got my feet wet with the engagement ring thread and after looking around and not finding anything I figured I should write my own deal. A year and a half ago I moved over 3,000 miles away to Baton Rouge, La from where I grew up in Northern California. I had previously met him, but fell madly in love in the new place and, well, you know. Anyway, because his family is from by where I grew up we decided to get married there. To bring it to our loved ones, we're having a Swamp/Blue Bayou ceremony theme and a Mardi Gras theme for the reception. (decorations are awesome and comparatively cheaper thatn conventional ones) I got super excited and called all my friends and asked the special ladies to be my BMs (I don't like writing BM...obvious reasons but oh well.) Well...
1 is my sister. We've only gotten close the past 6 years since our brothers death, but there is still some strain. She lives in Cali by where we want to get hitched but she also has a newborn and a 3 year old (I

my nieces!) and is pretty unavailable. (However she did go by a venue for me) I kicked ass helping her with her wedding.
2 is my oldest best friend- She is an artist and is in Texas. She is working day and night on her art and even though we only see each other once every couple of years, she was my sister growing up and I love her. We actually used to say the WE were going to get married one day! Close and no question that she's in, but, alas, unavailable. She got married at the courthouse not really telling anyone til after.
3 my latest best friend. I say latest because we now live super far from each other and since we've stopped talking as much. Now that I'm engaged, we've been talking a few times a week. Yet the day after I told her the news she found out she has a few medical problems that are chronic if not fatal, and suck. She moved to Washington state about a year ago. I kicked ass at her wedding and really acted like a planner. I wasn't in it though.
4 my other bestie. The girl whom introduced John and I. She's been one of my most supportive and emotionally available friends I've had for the past 8 years. She just moved to Spain. She's younger and single and busy too.
5 my "baby mama". My best friend in high school. She had a baby, got married and had 3 more while I practically lived with them. (I saved her marriage, twice, long story) I was at the births and am the Godmother to her kids. I helped her a lot with her wedding, yet wasn't in it. She's in Tennessee.
6 my new friend. I love her and she's awesome. But I've only known her for less than 2 years. She's already gone with me to a bridal show and has tried on some dresses with me once, but she's not sure if she can make it out there AND is kind of self obsessed, even though it's kind of endearingly so.
7 - I have room for one more to make the party even. I already know 2-3 other special people that I'd love to have, but am waiting.
I haven't chosen my MOH yet. I'm not sure who!
My fiance recently graduated and is working his first nursing job at a fast paced unit in a hospital. We were planning a trip to Europe after his first year and then moving to Hawaii. (HOW is this my life? WTF do I have to complain about right?) We thought to push the wedding til after all that, but we'll be 32 next month and we want to start a family asap. So we pushed it up to Aug/Sept 2014. (I can't find a venue!) The main problem is this. How am I supposed to plan a wedding (plus trip and move), out-of-state, with an anxiety/stress disorder, on a budget, and not even have a bridal party/family to help? I'm feeling overwhelmed. I recently asked for some help with the engagement party stuff on the BM Facebook page, but there have been no responses. I've been asking them about BM dress preferences and only half of them have responded. They all mean SOOO MUCH to me and I know they care about me. I can't imagine them not being a part of, but it looks like I waited so long that they're all too busy with life to be of any support to me in this capacity. Plus, they're all out-of-state themselves! In a truly awesome codependent way, I am resenting them.
We've talked about a wedding planner, and we're not sure we can afford one yet. But health wise it may be a necessity at the risk of giving up some other aspect I've really wanted.
I guess my question is, well, how can I do this? Ideas?

AddieCake · November 2013

AylaInLove said:

Hey. Lurker here. Finally got my feet wet with the engagement ring thread and after looking around and not finding anything I figured I should write my own deal. A year and a half ago I moved over 3,000 miles away to Baton Rouge, La from where I grew up in Northern California. I had previously met him, but fell madly in love in the new place and, well, you know. Anyway, because his family is from by where I grew up we decided to get married there. To bring it to our loved ones, we're having a Swamp/Blue Bayou ceremony theme and a Mardi Gras theme for the reception. (decorations are awesome and comparatively cheaper thatn conventional ones) I got super excited and called all my friends and asked the special ladies to be my BMs (I don't like writing BM...obvious reasons but oh well.) Well...
1 is my sister. We've only gotten close the past 6 years since our brothers death, but there is still some strain. She lives in Cali by where we want to get hitched but she also has a newborn and a 3 year old (I my nieces!) and is pretty unavailable. (However she did go by a venue for me) I kicked ass helping her with her wedding.
2 is my oldest best friend- She is an artist and is in Texas. She is working day and night on her art and even though we only see each other once every couple of years, she was my sister growing up and I love her. We actually used to say the WE were going to get married one day! Close and no question that she's in, but, alas, unavailable. She got married at the courthouse not really telling anyone til after.
3 my latest best friend. I say latest because we now live super far from each other and since we've stopped talking as much. Now that I'm engaged, we've been talking a few times a week. Yet the day after I told her the news she found out she has a few medical problems that are chronic if not fatal, and suck. She moved to Washington state about a year ago. I kicked ass at her wedding and really acted like a planner. I wasn't in it though.
4 my other bestie. The girl whom introduced John and I. She's been one of my most supportive and emotionally available friends I've had for the past 8 years. She just moved to Spain. She's younger and single and busy too.
5 my "baby mama". My best friend in high school. She had a baby, got married and had 3 more while I practically lived with them. (I saved her marriage, twice, long story) I was at the births and am the Godmother to her kids. I helped her a lot with her wedding, yet wasn't in it. She's in Tennessee.
6 my new friend. I love her and she's awesome. But I've only known her for less than 2 years. She's already gone with me to a bridal show and has tried on some dresses with me once, but she's not sure if she can make it out there AND is kind of self obsessed, even though it's kind of endearingly so.
7 - I have room for one more to make the party even. I already know 2-3 other special people that I'd love to have, but am waiting.
I haven't chosen my MOH yet. I'm not sure who!
My fiance recently graduated and is working his first nursing job at a fast paced unit in a hospital. We were planning a trip to Europe after his first year and then moving to Hawaii. (HOW is this my life? WTF do I have to complain about right?) We thought to push the wedding til after all that, but we'll be 32 next month and we want to start a family asap. So we pushed it up to Aug/Sept 2014. (I can't find a venue!) The main problem is this. How am I supposed to plan a wedding (plus trip and move), out-of-state, with an anxiety/stress disorder, on a budget, and not even have a bridal party/family to help? I'm feeling overwhelmed. I recently asked for some help with the engagement party stuff on the BM Facebook page, but there have been no responses. I've been asking them about BM dress preferences and only half of them have responded. They all mean SOOO MUCH to me and I know they care about me. I can't imagine them not being a part of, but it looks like I waited so long that they're all too busy with life to be of any support to me in this capacity. Plus, they're all out-of-state themselves! In a truly awesome codependent way, I am resenting them.
We've talked about a wedding planner, and we're not sure we can afford one yet. But health wise it may be a necessity at the risk of giving up some other aspect I've really wanted.
I guess my question is, well, how can I do this? Ideas?

First, I don't know why you need to "even up" your wedding party, but that's another thread.

I planned my wedding and an out-of-state move pretty much entirely on my own. Your bridal party is not your wedding planning help. The fact that you helped, planned, etc, for all your bridesmaids is irrelevant. That was nice of you, but it's not required.

My husband (fiance at the time) took a job that keeps him on the road for a couple months at a time. He left for the job on January 1st, and I did not see him again until the week of our wedding in late March. I also packed up our entire apartment by myself because a few days after the wedding, he left and I did not see him until he came back at the end of June so we would move from Texas to Virginia.

Just get organized, do one thing at a time, and it's really not that big of a deal, especially since you have your fiance to help you.

Senecaf · November 2013

I think hiring a planner where your wedding will take place it a good idea. Will you be heading that way for the holidays or in the near future at all? if so meet with one then. or use that opportunity to meet with vendors.

About your friends, you may be right that they are all at busy stages in their lives where helping you plann a wedding is just one more thing to overwhelm them. And I'm sure you know its not their job. It was quite gracious of you to do so much for a few of them in planning thier weddings and helping with their lives in other ways but you did it because you could. You know your friends better than I, do you think they would help if they could?

As far a budgeting for a planner, it seems like something that would be worth it to you. They are not necessary though. And if you do your internet reserch well and have good email and phone skill you should be able to do it yourself. Brides all around here plan destination weddings all over sans planners.

I do not have help from my BM. They are kind of flaky but they are my friends and I like doing it myself. I dint have to hear opinions till its done. By then no one will say anything for fear of offending me.

Good luck! It doesn't have to be stressful, let go of any preconceived vision of your briday party and just consider them honored guests, since that is all they really are anyway.

huskypuppy14 · November 2013

AylaInLove said:

Hey. Lurker here. Finally got my feet wet with the engagement ring thread and after looking around and not finding anything I figured I should write my own deal. A year and a half ago I moved over 3,000 miles away to Baton Rouge, La from where I grew up in Northern California. I had previously met him, but fell madly in love in the new place and, well, you know. Anyway, because his family is from by where I grew up we decided to get married there. To bring it to our loved ones, we're having a Swamp/Blue Bayou ceremony theme and a Mardi Gras theme for the reception. (decorations are awesome and comparatively cheaper thatn conventional ones) I got super excited and called all my friends and asked the special ladies to be my BMs (I don't like writing BM...obvious reasons but oh well.) Well...
1 is my sister. We've only gotten close the past 6 years since our brothers death, but there is still some strain. She lives in Cali by where we want to get hitched but she also has a newborn and a 3 year old (I my nieces!) and is pretty unavailable. (However she did go by a venue for me) I kicked ass helping her with her wedding.
2 is my oldest best friend- She is an artist and is in Texas. She is working day and night on her art and even though we only see each other once every couple of years, she was my sister growing up and I love her. We actually used to say the WE were going to get married one day! Close and no question that she's in, but, alas, unavailable. She got married at the courthouse not really telling anyone til after.
3 my latest best friend. I say latest because we now live super far from each other and since we've stopped talking as much. Now that I'm engaged, we've been talking a few times a week. Yet the day after I told her the news she found out she has a few medical problems that are chronic if not fatal, and suck. She moved to Washington state about a year ago. I kicked ass at her wedding and really acted like a planner. I wasn't in it though.
4 my other bestie. The girl whom introduced John and I. She's been one of my most supportive and emotionally available friends I've had for the past 8 years. She just moved to Spain. She's younger and single and busy too.
5 my "baby mama". My best friend in high school. She had a baby, got married and had 3 more while I practically lived with them. (I saved her marriage, twice, long story) I was at the births and am the Godmother to her kids. I helped her a lot with her wedding, yet wasn't in it. She's in Tennessee.
6 my new friend. I love her and she's awesome. But I've only known her for less than 2 years. She's already gone with me to a bridal show and has tried on some dresses with me once, but she's not sure if she can make it out there AND is kind of self obsessed, even though it's kind of endearingly so.
7 - I have room for one more to make the party even. I already know 2-3 other special people that I'd love to have, but am waiting.
I haven't chosen my MOH yet. I'm not sure who!
My fiance recently graduated and is working his first nursing job at a fast paced unit in a hospital. We were planning a trip to Europe after his first year and then moving to Hawaii. (HOW is this my life? WTF do I have to complain about right?) We thought to push the wedding til after all that, but we'll be 32 next month and we want to start a family asap. So we pushed it up to Aug/Sept 2014. (I can't find a venue!) The main problem is this. How am I supposed to plan a wedding (plus trip and move), out-of-state, with an anxiety/stress disorder, on a budget, and not even have a bridal party/family to help? I'm feeling overwhelmed. I recently asked for some help with the engagement party stuff on the BM Facebook page, but there have been no responses. I've been asking them about BM dress preferences and only half of them have responded. They all mean SOOO MUCH to me and I know they care about me. I can't imagine them not being a part of, but it looks like I waited so long that they're all too busy with life to be of any support to me in this capacity. Plus, they're all out-of-state themselves! In a truly awesome codependent way, I am resenting them.
We've talked about a wedding planner, and we're not sure we can afford one yet. But health wise it may be a necessity at the risk of giving up some other aspect I've really wanted.
I guess my question is, well, how can I do this? Ideas?

First, please try to use paragraphs. This is very hard to read, and you might have gotten more responses, but people gave up reading it all.

To the bolded- you do not plan your own engagement party. If no one throws one, you don't get one. Bridal party members are not required to help you plan your wedding. If they offer, that is wonderful, but their only obligation is to show up in the dress you choose.

Also, do you have a venue and a date yet? You shouldn't pick your bridal party until you have a date, because people can't plan their life around when you might get married. You can definitely ask your friends and family to go with you to look at venues or try on dresses, but if they can't come, so be it.

You do not need a wedding planner either. Some venues come with an event manager so wait until you have a venue before making any decisions. Good luck!

SP29 · November 2013

Welcome!

First, you do not need even bridal party numbers. Choose who is nearest and dearest to you (I believe it was you, Addie, who said choose who you would call up at 3am if you needed to bury a body). Also realize that the only thing your wedding party is responsible for is to show up the day of in the agreed upon suit/dress (in their price point). Nothing else. It is nice when people can help you out with ideas, particularly if you are out of town, but it is not their responsibility to plan anything for you, such as the engagement party. I only talk about my wedding with anyone if they ask about it. If they ask "what did you do this weekend?" I might say that we received our wedding bands, or I got my dress fitted, but I leave it at that, no details, unless someone asks.

My fiance and I moved away from out hometown as well. We are having the wedding in our hometown. Our wedding party is all over the country. We do have family in our hometown to help, but we still did 90% of the planning ourselves. Our wedding is January 2014.

I started looking at venues online. Then, when I was home a year ago for Christmas (2012/2013), I went a looked at my top 3 venues with my mom, picked one, then my mom placed the deposit and signed the contract for us, since I had to gone back home by the time we could make an appointment. But if I needed to, I am sure we could've done it online/ via mail.

Since that time, I again looked for photographers, DJs, officiates and florists online and called places over the phone to ask about basic pricing so I knew if we could even afford them or not. This past summer FI and I were both home for a visit. In this time we booked appointments to meet up with our top 3 vendors in each area and in the same time frame placed deposits with the vendor we chose. The one exception was the photographer who we couldn't find a time to meet up with before we left for home, so we did our contract online and placed our deposit via bank transfer.

I have been in contact with vendors via e-mails for any smaller details/ideas to be discussed. Any final payments that need to be made prior to our return to our hometown will either be mailed by cheque or bank transfer. The smaller remaining details I am completing here with the help of my fiance.

So, you can see that in two visits we were able to plan and book all the essential services while living 3 provinces away.

When we were home this summer, my MOH (who lives in my hometown) came with us to a few appointments to be there to ask questions, etc, but she offered to come, I didn't ask her to.

I went dress shopping with my bridesmaid who lives here. I told my MOH what designer line and what colour- she picked the dress she wanted. FI told his groomsmen (who both live away) what designer line and what colour, they gave FI their measurements and money and FI took care of the suits.

We don't have a wedding planner. It does help that the venue we chose has a pretty inclusive package (linens and centerpieces included, day of coordinator) so there are some things we don't have to worry about. If you are super stressed about planning, a wedding coordinator may be of help to you. We've been OK without it so far.

Also, use resources like the checklist available here on TheKnot. It gives you a timeline according to your wedding date of when items need to be completed. It is daunting if you look at the entire list when you first get engaged, but if you follow the smaller time frames it gives you, the items easily get completed.

Good luck!!

AylaInLove · November 2013

Thank you! I understand. Intellectually I knew that, but I suppose I allowed some expectations to run with my feelings.
As far as the help, I really feel like once I find the venue a lot of things will fall into place. I never knew I would be so into this. I am "that guy" now. But I refuse to freak out, and think I wrote this therapeutically for myself as well as a way to be a part of. I am definitely trying to keep a light heart and open-mind, but keep finding myself obsessing or planning minute details (about the decorations). I suppose I just have to let go of any notions completely.
I really wanted to have an engagement party, but on a thread in here I saw a bunch of people being catty (which I see a lot in here and why I didn't want to add a thread to begin with) and they were appalled that someone would plan their own engagement party. I don't get it. You're celebrating and announcing your engagement. But I guess I'm the minority and have to not have one at all?
Thanks for the help and insight!

SP29 · November 2013

It is considered rude to throw a party in one's own honour. (Says the person who plans her own birthday parties

). Your wedding reception is in honour of your guests, so it is OK to plan this yourselves. It is also rude to ask someone to plan a party for you. Wedding parties are offered, or they don't happen.

You can have a big party where you invite your friends over, where you happen to announce that you are engaged, but it would not be proper to say, "Come over to celebrate our engagement!".

AylaInLove · November 2013

I think that's dumb. If it's a party we throw to announce our engagement, isn't that an engagement party?

We're talking semantics here. If there are people in Southern California who can't make it to a Northern California wedding, wouldn't an engagement party be the perfect place to celebrate as well as have families meet? And just because people are too busy to plan it for you, does that really mean you have to go without?

We want to meet all the friends and family members who have known and loved our s.o. their whole lives. It's about the people, not the gifts or the location. I'm really failing to see how it's rude or inproper. But, if it's "wedding ettiquette" so be it. But like using the right fork, it's one of those things that has a bunch of tradition and snobbery tied into it when it just makes sense to use a fork to eat. Am I missing something?

AylaInLove · November 2013

Also, yes, I would call each one and bury a body with them (if we were into that) and there's a few more too. I love deep, and while time will move us away, a lot of my friends have been my best friend at different times.

I'm not "making it even" just for looks per se. I think it does look better so that's what we're going for. If it's mismatched by one or two, oh well. But I'm going to strive for it and if one can't make it, I wont die. Truthfully I could add 4 more to my side! And I know none of my friends would be offended to not be included.

Senecaf · November 2013

AylaInLove said:
I think that's dumb. If it's a party we throw to announce our engagement, isn't that an engagement party?

We're talking semantics here. If there are people in Southern California who can't make it to a Northern California wedding, wouldn't an engagement party be the perfect place to celebrate as well as have families meet? And just because people are too busy to plan it for you, does that really mean you have to go without?

We want to meet all the friends and family members who have known and loved our s.o. their whole lives. It's about the people, not the gifts or the location. I'm really failing to see how it's rude or inproper. But, if it's "wedding ettiquette" so be it. But like using the right fork, it's one of those things that has a bunch of tradition and snobbery tied into it when it just makes sense to use a fork to eat. Am I missing something?

Seriously? Why even open this up for discussion? You already read the other thread.

AylaInLove · November 2013

You're right. I'll post this there with some additions.

And I posted it because "It's rude" is not enough of an answer.

artbyallie · November 2013

AylaInLove said: I think that's dumb. If it's a party we throw to announce our engagement, isn't that an engagement party?
We're talking semantics here. If there are people in Southern California who can't make it to a Northern California wedding, wouldn't an engagement party be the perfect place to celebrate as well as have families meet? And just because people are too busy to plan it for you, does that really mean you have to go without?
We want to meet all the friends and family members who have known and loved our s.o. their whole lives. It's about the people, not the gifts or the location. I'm really failing to see how it's rude or inproper. But, if it's "wedding ettiquette" so be it. But like using the right fork, it's one of those things that has a bunch of tradition and snobbery tied into it when it just makes sense to use a fork to eat. Am I missing something?

(ETA: Stupid fucking non-functional quote boxes) Whoa, whoa, whoa. An engagement party falls under the more general heading of a pre-wedding event, much like a bridal shower or a bachelorette party (and again, since all of these things are to celebrate you, it is highly inappropriate to throw any of them yourself). Anyone who is NOT invited to the wedding can NOT be invited to a pre-wedding event. Etiquette is not about snobbery, it's about treating people with decency and respect. People will feel slighted if you invite them to a wedding-related party but then not to the wedding.

AylaInLove · November 2013

They would be invited to the wedding. I never said they wouldn't. I have older relatives that can't travel and I know they can't make it. They are who I'm thinking about. Them and the fact that I'd love my fiance to meet all of them and having a party is easier then traveling to see each of them one on one.

Am I being too sensitive here? I feel like everything I write people are assuming the worst.

Dreamergirl8812 · November 2013

AylaInLove said:

They would be invited to the wedding. I never said they wouldn't. I have older relatives that can't travel and I know they can't make it. They are who I'm thinking about. Them and the fact that I'd love my fiance to meet all of them and having a party is easier then traveling to see each of them one on one.

Am I being too sensitive here? I feel like everything I write people are assuming the worst.

Did you just find out one of your friends may have a fatal disease? And you mention this in the context of your wedding planning? Your wedding is not nearly as important to everyone else as it is to you. Repeat that to yourself.

And you're so stressed and have too much to do so you insist on throwing a party in your own honor? Maybe you should use that time/effort/money to plan your wedding. Or just enjoy some down time.

If you continue on the course of putting your wedding before your relationship you may seriously damage some of your relationships. It's just not worth it.

PolarBearFitz · November 2013

This may just be a pet peeve of mine but don't make Facebook groups for wedding stuff. Do not ask for help via Facebook for wedding planning. It is really not your bridesmaids jobs to help for one and for two Facebook is just really not the way to go.

Pick up a phone and talk to your friends if you would like an opinion on something. First thing you need to do on that phone call is ask about their lives and genuinely care about your friendships. Then ask if they would mind helping you by providing their opinion since you are struggling or need second judgement on something.

I answered the rest of the things you said here on the other thread that says the same things about throwing an engagement party.

mizangi · November 2013

Once you find your venue, your stress level will decline substantially. That's the worst part. I completely disagree with PP who said you don't choose your wedding party until you have set a date...the people in your wedding party are those nearest and dearest to you! I honestly haven't needed a ton of input/help from my BMs, but I love to share the planning process with them! Send regular emails with updates and if they have some ideas to share, they will! Also, have you considered giving them a color scheme and letting them choose their own dresses? That would eliminate the need for them to all agree on one.

We didn't have an engagement party because our families all live in town and have met numerous times, but I understand the desire to have one. Talk to your parents and ask them to host for you! You could pay for it, but just have them as honorary hosts so it doesn't appear "rude" and no one would have to know other than you and your folks.

climbingsingle · November 2013

aefitz29 said:

This may just be a pet peeve of mine but don't make Facebook groups for wedding stuff. Do not ask for help via Facebook for wedding planning. It is really not your bridesmaids jobs to help for one and for two Facebook is just really not the way to go.

Pick up a phone and talk to your friends if you would like an opinion on something. First thing you need to do on that phone call is ask about their lives and genuinely care about your friendships. Then ask if they would mind helping you by providing their opinion since you are struggling or need second judgement on something.

I answered the rest of the things you said here on the other thread that says the same things about throwing an engagement party.

This.

Also, how exactly did you save your friend's marriage twice?

In most of your descriptions of your friendships with these girls, you really seem to toot your own horn about what a great friend you are/were to them. And it grates. Did you help these friends just so you'd get help in return? It sounds like each of them have a lot going on and have their own lives. Your wedding is not the most important thing in these women's lives. Hire a wedding planner and don't expect your bridesmaids to help you plan your wedding.

AylaInLove · November 2013

Thank you mizangi. I appreciate your input. It was thoughtful and helpful.

Dreamergirl, if you actually read what I wrote you would see it's not fatal. It is chronic and I mentioned it to show that I'm aware I can't "expect" anything. Even though this friend has expressed wanting to help a lot, I know due to her sickness and location I wont be asking much of her if anything at all. I didn't 'expect' from any of my friends, but I can ask right? Maybe to your friends that's rude, but I can say anything to mine and this post was entitled "feeling alone" and it was about how close I am to my friends, what we've shared and my yearning to have them near me. Yes I would LOVE to have them help with the wedding. Is that so wrong? Seriously?

Aefitz, I have a super-secret FB group just for my BM's. It's working out great. They cant go dress shopping with me and always ask to see pics, so I can show them to only them in an easy way. They are excited about my wedding, I'm sorry if I relayed that they were apathetic. I just wish they were closer and FB/technology has allowed us to share the fun parts even though they're 1000's of miles away. It works beautifully and I'd recommend it to anyone.

ClimbingBride, they've had marital problems and I was able to come in and take the kids, as well as provide certain insights about the situations. I'm not saying it was all me, I just know I really did help.

As far as tooting my own horn, sure. I can see how it looks that way. I'm pretty sure I mentioned how co-dependent my original post was and that I was basically venting in a therapeutic way.

I really feel like a lot of the responses on here have already prejudged me as a demanding, whiny, self-centered bridezilla, when if you cleared your mind and read what I actually wrote you might think different.

I'm sure I'm not the first or only bride that is feeling overwhelmed and like she wants her friends closer. But instead of seeing that that is what I was saying, all (most) of you have basically attacked my character and have condescendingly put me down. After reading around in here I see I'm not the only one who has felt this way and really encourage those of you who have the ability of introspection to take a step back and recognize that this issue keeps coming up on this site and the common factor is you.

Yes, constructive criticism is needed, yes, personal opinions are valid and yes, there are those who freak out if you attack their ideals. I feel like that's not what is going on here. I came on here expressing myself from an honest place, open to finding others who have felt the same, and instead have been bombarded with people poking and exaggerating things that they read, but I didn't write (fatal disease, inviting to party but not wedding, putting the wedding before my relationships, my fiance is a nurse and can't help, etc.) If your "thing" on here is to put whiny bridezillas with expectations in their place I ask you 3 things;
1. Why is it your job?
2. Who is it really serving?

and
3. Do you realize that you have become what you're accusing me of?

I should have known better than to try and join a site of catty brides. And yes, you are bullies. Maybe go back and re-read everything as if it was written by your daughter or best friend and learn to have a little compassion and tact.

Know that this is not whining, I am not a victim here, I am just calling you on your shit. Pretty sure you'll just get defensive and do the old internet go-to on finding other things to accuse me of and put me down, but I really don't care. I've said my piece and hope that maybe one of you is woman enough to own her part.

Once again, thank you to those who have actually responded with thoughtful insight and good intentions. It has been helpful.

Fran1985 · November 2013

AylaInLove said:

Thank you mizangi. I appreciate your input. It was thoughtful and helpful.

Dreamergirl, if you actually read what I wrote you would see it's not fatal. It is chronic and I mentioned it to show that I'm aware I can't "expect" anything. Even though this friend has expressed wanting to help a lot, I know due to her sickness and location I wont be asking much of her if anything at all. I didn't 'expect' from any of my friends, but I can ask right? Maybe to your friends that's rude, but I can say anything to mine and this post was entitled "feeling alone" and it was about how close I am to my friends, what we've shared and my yearning to have them near me. Yes I would LOVE to have them help with the wedding. Is that so wrong? Seriously?

Aefitz, I have a super-secret FB group just for my BM's. It's working out great. They cant go dress shopping with me and always ask to see pics, so I can show them to only them in an easy way. They are excited about my wedding, I'm sorry if I relayed that they were apathetic. I just wish they were closer and FB/technology has allowed us to share the fun parts even though they're 1000's of miles away. It works beautifully and I'd recommend it to anyone.

ClimbingBride, they've had marital problems and I was able to come in and take the kids, as well as provide certain insights about the situations. I'm not saying it was all me, I just know I really did help.

As far as tooting my own horn, sure. I can see how it looks that way. I'm pretty sure I mentioned how co-dependent my original post was and that I was basically venting in a therapeutic way.

I really feel like a lot of the responses on here have already prejudged me as a demanding, whiny, self-centered bridezilla, when if you cleared your mind and read what I actually wrote you might think different.

I'm sure I'm not the first or only bride that is feeling overwhelmed and like she wants her friends closer. But instead of seeing that that is what I was saying, all (most) of you have basically attacked my character and have condescendingly put me down. After reading around in here I see I'm not the only one who has felt this way and really encourage those of you who have the ability of introspection to take a step back and recognize that this issue keeps coming up on this site and the common factor is you.

Yes, constructive criticism is needed, yes, personal opinions are valid and yes, there are those who freak out if you attack their ideals. I feel like that's not what is going on here. I came on here expressing myself from an honest place, open to finding others who have felt the same, and instead have been bombarded with people poking and exaggerating things that they read, but I didn't write (fatal disease, inviting to party but not wedding, putting the wedding before my relationships, my fiance is a nurse and can't help, etc.) If your "thing" on here is to put whiny bridezillas with expectations in their place I ask you 3 things;
1. Why is it your job?
2. Who is it really serving?
and
3. Do you realize that you have become what you're accusing me of?

I should have known better than to try and join a site of catty brides. And yes, you are bullies. Maybe go back and re-read everything as if it was written by your daughter or best friend and learn to have a little compassion and tact.

Know that this is not whining, I am not a victim here, I am just calling you on your shit. Pretty sure you'll just get defensive and do the old internet go-to on finding other things to accuse me of and put me down, but I really don't care. I've said my piece and hope that maybe one of you is woman enough to own her part.

Once again, thank you to those who have actually responded with thoughtful insight and good intentions. It has been helpful.

In your original post you wrote- "chronic if not fatal." You know that means it could be fatal, right? "If not" means "perhaps even" so you wrote that it could be a fatal condition.

vt&dt · November 2013

In response to your original post...

It sounds like you're in the situation to plan a wedding without much help/time/money because of where and when you chose to get married. Since you haven't booked a venue, if any of those things will make it too stressful for you - you can get married later, take time to save up, or decide to move the wedding to a location that's closer to where you are now.

Do you know that your selected bridesmaids will be able to make the trip whenever you schedule the wedding? That's why you were advised earlier to wait until you had a venue/date (you don't really have a date until you have a venue) to ask them. If you've asked them already, hopefully you can find a date they can all attend. I personally wouldn't agree to be in a wedding party until I knew I could be at the wedding..

I think a lot of the stress surrounding wedding planning doesn't have to be there. Certainly family dynamics + managing input from those who help with the event financially can be complicated, but it doesn't have to be stressful. Get married, then celebrate and properly host your guests.

Take one thing at a time. Figure out your guest list and budget, then use tools like the ones on the knot to see what you can afford for a venue. That's first. After the venues, catering/beverages, and attire, everything else is details.

You can do it, you just need to block out some time and get organized.

AylaInLove · November 2013

Fran- You're right. I suppose I chose the wrong words. I meant to imply, 'it's not fatal, but it is chronic'. As in, while it's not fatal, this is a big deal.

vt- Thanks for your response. I love the tools here on the knot! I think once I find the venue, everything else will fall into place. We'll have the date, location, etc.

The BM's can tell me if they can't make it. Most of them knew it was a given that I would ask them (some I didn't ask, they just asked me about when!) so figured I could tell them the dates we were thinking (Aug or Sept of 2014) and they all said they have nothing planned. I told them to let me know and that we should have the venue/date soon and would tell them asap. So we're not booking their time for 2 months, but they are excited about being in it.

As for delaying it. We're moving and going on a trip next summer so we originally thought of having it in 2015, after careful thought we changed it for many reasons. For one, we're not getting any younger and want to start a family asap. We're both turning 32 next month (we have the same b-day) and as a nurse my fiance knows after 35, pregnancies are considered high-risk. With my medical history we just want to go for it sooner than later. Another thing is we figured the trip we were planning could double as the honeymoon, because after we move he wont be able to vacation for a while. Also, I don't think I could hold up very gracefully for a long period of time. I've freaked out already so even with meditation and/or medication I don't want to prolong it for much longer! HAhaha!

Thank you for reminding me that this is supposed to be a fun process!

I never thought I'd be so into the whole wedding thing, so after my initial freak out I've been trying to remember that the goal here is to celebrate our love with our loved ones. Having that perspective really helps. I think I'm doing better now and have a lot more faith that whatever is supposed to happen, will happen.

short+sassy · November 2013

For OP: Hey Neighbor! I just had to comment because there are some definite similarities in weddings. I got married in June of this year. Although my DH and I live in New Orleans, we got married in my CA hometown. We brought a bit of NOLA to the wedding . We had toy wooden pirogues filled with doubloons, beads, and pralines.

I was VERY fortunate that my mom offered to do all the heavy lifting since she still lives in CA. She found and contracted with all the vendors (after e-mailing me the info and getting my okay). But there are a number of things I had always "envisioned" for my pre-wedding stuff, that I missed out on because I was too far away. For example, I didn't have a bachelorette party or shower. Neither my mom or sister (my MOH and only attendant) could go dress shopping with me because they live so far. I didn't even get to do the cake tasting! So wrong, lol.

And you know what? That's all okay. My DH and I had a beautiful, amazing day. We joined our lives together and celebrated with close friends and family. When I think now to what I "missed out on", I see it now as...eh...minor stuff that would have been nice, but not a big deal.

It is certainly more stressful to plan a wedding far from where you live, plus to have your VIPs far flung. But the best advice I can give is to be understanding...especially if some of the people you want in your WP can't be there. And don't stress over the small details or expect everything to go perfectly. I'm sure it will all work out to be a happy, joyful day .

AylaInLove · November 2013

How cool is that!?! I didn't think of pralines! Haha!

Congrats! So how is it having a husband?

Where in California may I ask? We almost have our venue, but the contract isn't signed and because it's not 100% perfect I still have an open mind. That being said, I'm learning which battles to fight and realize it's probably not going to be 100% perfect. And you're right, knowing that is making it easier.

That's rad about your Mom. My Sister went to check out the venue and because our tastes are similar and she "gets" my vision I felt pretty okay with her doing it. But you're right in that it would be nice to do it myself. And I get that feeling of acceptance over the situation. When all is said and done and I'm a wifey I know none of this will really matter.

short+sassy · November 2013

Love being married! I'm embarrassed to admit how long my DH and I lived together before getting married (over 10 years), so I really didn't expect for things to feel that different, but it does (in a good way). It just feels more "solid and forever", for lack of better words. And now we are talking about long range goals, retirement/investing, which we didn't really do before.

I grew up in San Clemente and the wedding/reception was in Capo Beach. Alas, I can't help you out on the venue because it was at my mom/stepdad's house. They have a large patio/deck area, plus they are right across the street from a park where I had our pictures taken. However, we did have the food catered from Papa Jay's (a local Hawaiian restaurant). I'm not sure where you are getting married but, if it is anywhere in the San Diego area, I highly recommend Kona Kakes for the cake. They are one of those bakeries that charges a set amount for particular cakes and don't magically "quadruple" it when they hear the word "wedding". They are both very reasonable and insanely delicious, lol.

erinlin25 · November 2013

what part of Nor Cal!? I'm from the bay area and now live further up north--lots of pretty venues in Northern California

It is nice you have your sister out there to help. Since you are planning from afar I would look into having a wedding planner (some venues come with a DOC which can be very helpful too--ask them what vendors they prefer and they will tell who all works best together). I got married a few hours away from where I live now so I did a lot of the planning from a far and via email. My DOC recommended vendors, we hired them, everything worked out perfectly and I had stress-free planning. I was not so far where I was still able to do tastings and see the venue, etc, but the was "in town" maybe 3x before my actual wedding. Our vendors were very flexible in working around our schedule for when we could be in town so we were always able to get multiple things done each time we were there.

Since you are out of state, a planner will help you a lot. If your sister volunteers to be that person for you, awesome, but just do not have that expectation. You and your FI are responsible for planning your wedding or hiring someone to do it for you--not your friends and family... and sounds like you have a nice bridal party-- do not add more just so numbers are even. When you do that you have made that person a "prop" rather than recognizing those that are nearest and dearest. I have been in many weddings that were "uneven" and everything was just fine.

depending what part of Nor Cal you are from I am more than happy to make some recommendations.

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