Wedding Woes

Prudie has given us a Thanksgiving gift of posting a day early

Dear Prudie,
Over the weekend, during a heated argument with my 15-year-old daughter, I found out that she and her boyfriend of a year have recently started having sex. I had suspected this, and, to her credit, when I asked she said yes without hesitation. I spent many years talking with her about choices and trying to develop an open relationship. We are seeing her doctor to discuss birth control and talk about reproductive health. On paper, I've done all the right things. But I am devastated! I feel pained that she didn't come to me first, sad that she made this choice so young, and afraid that something horrible will happen. I'm sure this is a normal reaction but how can I move on? How do I make her understand that even though I know she is having sex, and even though I have taken her to see a doctor, that I'm not OK with her having sex? What discussion is appropriate for her dad and me to have with the boyfriend? Clearly lying in bed weeping is not the answer.

—Weepy Mom

Re: Prudie has given us a Thanksgiving gift of posting a day early

  • I have no idea what I would do.  I think she's handling it in the most responsible way possible.

    I would want to make sure BF was using protection too, I know that.  It sounds like they have an open relationship and trust, so I would ask daughter.  Beyond that, this might just be a case of learning to accept something you don't like b/c there's not too much you can do to stop it w/out some very bad possible consequences.
    GBCK
  • But I am devastated! I feel pained that she didn't come to me first, sad that she made this choice so young, and afraid that something horrible will happen. I'm sure this is a normal reaction but how can I move on?

    Is this a normal reaction? 15 is a *little* young, sure, but not out of the ordinary for women I know - I was on the late end of the curve for my sexual debut, at 18. I wouldn't expect my daughter to tell me what she's planning to do with her own relationships and body. I would like her to come to be *beforehand* for birth control, and yes, I would want to make sure they're doubling up on protection, but I can't imagine being this torn up about something like sex. 

    I definitely would keep my opinions to myself on this one, and certainly not say anything to the boyfriend about it. I'd make sure my daughter has the resources she needs and treat her like a young woman who will need guidance, not censure or a venting of my feelings. 
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