How much involvement is okay?

kuglenn · November 2013

I know that a lot of people offer help when the reality is that they have little time to offer to wedding planning. I've been keeping track of what my fiance and I have been doing and we've tackled a lot so far. My two Maids of Honor and mom may not be in town until a week before the wedding. So, help would be good but if I send out a list of things for bridesmaids and relatives to help out with, what would you recommend the appropriate number of to-do-items be?

Thanks much!

Jen4948 · November 2013

Don't send out a list. The truth is that you're not entitled to expect anyone other than your FI to help you with anything.

What you can do is ask your MOHs and your mom if there's any particular aspect that they would like to be involved with, but you cannot delegate tasks like a CEO.

Maggie0829 · November 2013

Unless your MOHs or Mom have specifically asked what they can do to help you with your wedding you cannot dictate tasks to them or send them a to-do list.

clarke10 · November 2013

I would wait for people to offer. If they offer, that's great. If not, that's fine too because they're not obligated to do so. My FI and I are doing all of our wedding planning on our own. My mom loves to hear my ideas and plans, but isn't really interested in helping out.

You and FI are the only ones obligated to plan the wedding.

KatWAG · November 2013

kuglenn said:

I know that a lot of people offer help when the reality is that they have little time to offer to wedding planning. I've been keeping track of what my fiance and I have been doing and we've tackled a lot so far. My two Maids of Honor and mom may not be in town until a week before the wedding. So, help would be good but if I send out a list of things for bridesmaids and relatives to help out with, what would you recommend the appropriate number of to-do-items be?

Thanks much!

Planning and executing your wedding is entirely your and fi's responsiblity. If people offer, great! But dont count on it.

jenniferurs · November 2013

Yeah we've received no help whatsoever from anyone but my mom. But then, 4 of my 5 BM's are out of state. The one in state came to watch me try on dresses and came to my venue's food tasting, but other than that, she hasn't done anything else related to the wedding. My mom, fiancé, and I will be assembling the invitations, etc., and I hired a day of coordinator to help set up everything the day of.

What tasks exactly are you looking for assistance on?

jneen101 · November 2013

A list?!? What would be on the list?

AddieCake · November 2013

A list? Good luck with that.

MyNameIsNot · November 2013

If you have a list of things that you and your FI can't handle, it's time to hire help.

Your family and friends are not responsible to help you with wedding chores. If they ask, fine, but you cannot delegate duties. You also don't ask them to help.

stephiec225 · November 2013

It sounds to me from your post that some people have offered help, so I'd say to ask a person to do one thing at a time, and try to keep in mind their talents (does someone love crafts?ask them to help diy, etc). Ifbyou pose it as a question rather than a fact, athey can say yes or no depending in whether or not they have the time to do it, and they won't feel taken advantage if by a long list. If after one task, they offer help again, then you can find another thing you'd like them to help with. But I'm with everyone else on this one, don't delegate to people who haven't asked. Happy planning!

manateehugger · November 2013

Uhhh, if they haven't offered and you send out a list of duties, you're becoming a bridezilla.

Otherwise, if they do offer, I would just let them generically know what you're still working on and when you're working on it (e.g. Well I need to write out escort cards tonight. Feel free to swing by. I can feed you!). Don't delegate according to their talents - that's crap and using them like free labor.

mysticl · November 2013

PDKH said:

Uhhh, if they haven't offered and you send out a list of duties, you're becoming a bridezilla.

Otherwise, if they do offer, I would just let them generically know what you're still working on and when you're working on it (e.g. Well I need to write out escort cards tonight. Feel free to swing by. I can feed you!). Don't delegate according to their talents - that's crap and using them like free labor.

You are using them as free labor, but if they offered that's totally cool. I have horrific handwriting (it's been compared to a serial killer) and am very embarrassed by it. I have absolutely offered to help friends with wedding stuff but I would never, ever offer to help them write anything out and they wouldn't ask me to. They have asked me to do stuff that I am capable of doing, like assembling favors and arranging the cookie table.

Liatris2010 · November 2013

kuglenn said:

I know that a lot of people offer help when the reality is that they have little time to offer to wedding planning. I've been keeping track of what my fiance and I have been doing and we've tackled a lot so far. My two Maids of Honor and mom may not be in town until a week before the wedding. So, help would be good but if I send out a list of things for bridesmaids and relatives to help out with, what would you recommend the appropriate number of to-do-items be?

Thanks much!

Zero.

If people offer to help, that is fine. Those people will usually suggest how they want to help. If no one asks, you do everything yourself, or hire someone to help you.

southernbelle0915 · November 2013

If people want to help they'll offer. If/When they offer you can say "great! I could really use your help with _____. Does that sound like something you'd want to help with?"

Do not send out a list to anyone.

melbelleup · November 2013

No.No.No. Unless they ask, don't make them do anything. It is solely your FI and your job to plan the wedding. My BM offered to help me with my make up so we'll be doing bunches of trails and errors into it. But, she offered when I mentioned I was going to do my own make-up (she's a make up wizard..also has an art degree) I also ask her if I can bounce ideas off of her because of her art degree. We actually talked centerpieces last night. BUT I'll be creating them, she just gave me input. Please do not send them a list of things to do. If they offer to help, I'd give them one item at a time.

[Deleted User] · November 2013

We did everything ourselves with the exception my mom & sister (MOH) helped me assemble my programs. I had gotten extremly sick two weeks before my wedding and was barely making it to work. So they came over and helped me with that. Luckily we had everything else done before I had gotten sick.

kuglenn · November 2013

Thanks for the input. Nearly all of my relatives keep on asking what they can do to help and my fiance's mom keeps on asking me as well. I have tried to just have my fiance and me do the planning but, people seem to feel left out of the process without a list.

MobKaz · November 2013

kuglenn said:

Thanks for the input. Nearly all of my relatives keep on asking what they can do to help and my fiance's mom keeps on asking me as well. I have tried to just have my fiance and me do the planning but, people seem to feel left out of the process without a list.

If you have people truly asking to help, you might try to pair your ideas with their talents/strengths. If someone you know has incredible handwriting, perhaps they would enjoy assisting with invitations or writing out escort cards. An organizer or business person might be able to help formulate a spread sheet to keep track of guest lists, RSVP's, etc.

SP29 · November 2013

I agree, don't send out a list of any sort, but if someone asks what they can do, you can let them know you would appreciate help with X task and ask if they would be OK with doing that. If the offer more help, then you can talk about something else that needs done then.

How much involvement is okay?

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