Date change - No longer able to be MOH

PennyBlossom2311 · November 2013

Good morning everyone, <?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" />

First, I would like to say thank you for all the advice a few weeks ago concerning a bachelorette party. I took your advice and things were smoothed over. Thank you so much.

I have now have a new dilemma. I would like to be as tactful as possible and know that this could really be a touchy subject. A very close friend of mine got engaged last May and quickly set out to plan her wedding. She asked me to be her MOH and I accepted. Her wedding was planned for May of 14'.

I got engaged almost five months after she did and we were both excited about our upcoming weddings. My fiancé and I set our date for Aug of 14'. We had a very small window of time for our wedding. We chose the date because I will be in-between semesters in school and my work will have slowed down from the summer rush. This will give us time to finish moving, get married and, go on our honeymoon. I work and go to school full time and summer is the busiest time of the year for me at work. Needless to say it will be a very, very busy couple of weeks. Well, once we found our chunk of semi free time we paid our deposit and booked our ceremony and reception venue.

Here comes the issue. My friend, after six months of planning, realized she forgot to officially book the church and it was no longer available. (No clue how this slipped by.) She quickly changed her date, didn’t check before booking and the reception site wasn’t available for the new date. She called the other day to say she had officially booked her photographer, church, and reception site for another new date. Her wedding went from three months before mine to less than two weeks. This all happened last week and she was upset our weddings are now so close together. Though she never said it, I got the impression she wanted me to change my date. With her original date, I was able be available for all MOH duties. Her wedding was in between semesters so I had time to plan and attend her destination bachelorette party and not have to worry about school. Her wedding was also the week before pool season started. (I am a program manager for an aquatic facility.) Everything fit. Now with her new date, I cannot physically make it work. Taking time off from work is very difficult during the summer, I will be in school full time, and my fiancé and I were planning to use the weekends, I was able to be off, to move. (We are moving out of state.) I really want to be there for her but, this last minute date change has really thrown a wrench into everything. I don't know what to do. We will already be very strapped for time and I just don’t see how this will work. I wont be able to take the time off needed to do my MOH duties. I cannot dedicate weekends to fittings, showers, the bachelorette weekend, and other events due to the fact I work most weekends and we had plans for moving during the weekends I could take off. I am afraid I can no longer be her MOH, Attending anything more than the ceremony will be difficult, much less being in the wedding. I will try to make time but the new date could not have been at a worse time for me. Am I being selfish? How can I tell her I cannot be her MOH? I dont want her to feel that I think my wedding is more important because I know its not, but I can't change everything because she forgot to book the church. I know I commited to be in her wedding but this was before a three month date change. Please advise.

PolarBearFitz · November 2013

Honestly if it was me and my friend asked me to be MOH I would work it out. I would definitely explain that I can only show up for the date in a dress due to my busy schedule but I wouldn't miss it for the world.

I imagine if you are MOH that you are close to each other and I cannot foresee an event that would keep me from clearing out a day for a close friend's wedding (minus anything detrimental). Not really sure everything you have standing in your way but you have to ask yourself if you seriously cannot clear one day for a friend? How would you feel if your MOH couldn't make your wedding day because you screwed something up? Would you still want her to be there for the day? I would.

KickAssMOH · November 2013

MOH/BM duties really don't take that much time. A fitting can be done in 10 minutes at any local dry cleaners. A shower is 3 hours, and a bachelorette party is one night out (usually..). If you mean enough to eachother, then you'll respect eachother's wedding dates and make the effort to make it work.

chibiyui · November 2013

I would talk with your friend and let her know that you may not be able to attend all MOH things for her wedding, (Like, maybe you can't make the bachelorette party or a shower) but if you think you're able to make it to the ceremony then you should be able to be MOH at the ceremony.

If your friends, she should understand your busy schedule and that you might not make it to every event. Thats okay.

photokitty · November 2013

As long as you are available on the actually wedding date I don't see why you are concerned. You can still order your dress ahead of time and make time for fitting - ideally when you go your wedding gown fittings - two birds, one stone!

You do not have to attend the showers. You could still have the bachelorette party at the previously planned time. There is no rule that is has to be close to the wedding date. If you want to host a shower than you can do it at the previously planned time as well. It doesn't have to be a month before the wedding, it can be 4 months out if that's when you can do it. Otherwise, if you offered to host one already, ask if someone else could host and you can financially contribute since you would have already planned to do so.

If you just want out - then I'm sorry, but I would say you are being selfish. If you tell her you an;t attend all the events and she throws a fit, then she is being selfish. But you can still make this work, unless you don't want to. But stepping down could be a friendship ending move, so tread lightly.

Good luck! I think you can make it work and are just stressing bc of the date change. Take a few deep breathes and start thinking it through...and do as much in advance for her wedding as possible.

msuprincess04 · November 2013

While I agree with the others that a dress fitting is quick (and can be done in 10 min on your own time), the rest aren't "MOH duties". You don't have to throw a shower, you can tell her that you just can't take it on. You also don't have to go on a destination bachelorette, again, you can tell her you just can't. Other people can volunteer to plan these things, and if no one does, then she doesn't get them. I'd be honest and say that while you would still love to be in her wedding, you can tell her what you can realistically expect to take on. After that, one of two things will happen. She'll understand, tell you not to worry about it, and that as her best friend you are still the MOH. Or, she'll be really rude and "demote" you. Let her deal with it.

PennyBlossom2311 · November 2013

Thank you,

I do want to continue to ber her MOH. I am not planning to back out unless it does becomes an ordeal that I cannot attend everything. We had an issue when I could not make a luncheon and a bridesmaid fitting becasue they were scheduled during working hours and it turned into a bit of an issue. She doesn't work and I think she sometimes forget that I need to be able to plan. It has made me nervous about not making other events. She is a close friend and I do want to be there for her. I suppose what I should be asking is how to broach the subject that she and I both need to be understanding of eachother's schedules and that neither day is more important than the other.

You are right, I am a stressed that things have changed and have added to an already very busy schedule. I am a planner and don't do well when schedules change last minute. I will be mindful this is something I need to work on and I that do need to relax a bit. This is the same friend I have asked about before and sometimes small things can become a big issue. I appreciate everyone's advice and know we will be able to make things work.

msuprincess04 · November 2013

If she makes such a big deal out of every little thing, are you sure you want to take on that attitude while in the middle of your own crazy life?

Tell her that after talking it over with your FI and looking at your schedules, you still want to be a part of her wedding. Though, you work M-F till 6p (or whatever) and have weekend plans such as moving that are also important. You don't owe her an excuse and you don't owe her a reason why the things in your life are also important. If it's too much stress to handle all of it, then it's ok to see if any other BM would like to take over on those events. If she flips out on you, which it sounds like she will, then let it roll off your back. I won't tell you to do everything she wants you to do to appease her. It's ridiculous that you would even have to. But, at the end of the day, it's really your choice on what you are willing to put up with.

phira · November 2013

I disagree with most of what PPs have said. You are not being selfish; she mucked up her wedding date and you agreed to be maid of honor under different circumstances. You're not selfish or a bad friend for prioritizing your life and wedding over hers--it's YOUR life. She's welcome to prioritize her life and wedding (and she should!) over yours.

That said, she is not being a terrible friend for being disappointed and stressed. If I were in her shoes, I'd be so frustrated with everything going so badly; having my maid of honor back out would make things even worse and I'd be much less understanding about it than I would be if things were otherwise going well.

Here's really what you need to figure out:

Can you still attend the wedding and wedding reception?

If you cannot attend the ceremony and/or reception at all because of the date change, then you need to back out of the wedding since you actually won't be there.

If you can attend the ceremony and reception, then you need to sit down with your friend and have the following conversation:

"Friend, I know how horrible it's been having to switch your date and rebook so many vendors. I'm still game for being your maid of honor, and you know that I'm here to support you emotionally every step of the way. Unfortunately, because of the date change, I'm not going to be able to do things like host or attend showers or the bachelorette party. I'll pretty much just be able to show up for the wedding. I'm still ready to stand up with you, do a reading, give a toast--whatever you want me to do during the wedding! But if you don't want me as your maid of honor unless I can make all the other events, then I understand if you need me to back down and either just be a bridesmaid or just be a guest."

Inkdancer · November 2013

phira said:

I disagree with most of what PPs have said. You are not being selfish; she mucked up her wedding date and you agreed to be maid of honor under different circumstances. You're not selfish or a bad friend for prioritizing your life and wedding over hers--it's YOUR life. She's welcome to prioritize her life and wedding (and she should!) over yours.

That said, she is not being a terrible friend for being disappointed and stressed. If I were in her shoes, I'd be so frustrated with everything going so badly; having my maid of honor back out would make things even worse and I'd be much less understanding about it than I would be if things were otherwise going well.

Here's really what you need to figure out:

Can you still attend the wedding and wedding reception?

If you cannot attend the ceremony and/or reception at all because of the date change, then you need to back out of the wedding since you actually won't be there.

If you can attend the ceremony and reception, then you need to sit down with your friend and have the following conversation:

"Friend, I know how horrible it's been having to switch your date and rebook so many vendors. I'm still game for being your maid of honor, and you know that I'm here to support you emotionally every step of the way. Unfortunately, because of the date change, I'm not going to be able to do things like host or attend showers or the bachelorette party. I'll pretty much just be able to show up for the wedding. I'm still ready to stand up with you, do a reading, give a toast--whatever you want me to do during the wedding! But if you don't want me as your maid of honor unless I can make all the other events, then I understand if you need me to back down and either just be a bridesmaid or just be a guest."

Exactly this!

PennyBlossom2311 · November 2013

PennyBlossom2311 · November 2013

Thank you, everyone for your input. I am going to talk with her this week. I'm going to tell her I do want to be involved and want to help out in any way I can, but I may not be available to be as hands on as I originally thought. I am hoping that she may be accomodating and understand that a three month shift does affect availibility. My fiance' and I have talked and we will make arrangements to, at the very least, be at the wedding. We both want to be there, I dont want people to think we don't. I was just upset with the changes and stressed that the little time we have for moving and getting settled will be cut short. I know how some people will take that. I dont mean it in an ugly way at all. We just have a three week window to move out of state, get settled, and get married. Losing a weekend during that could be stressful for anyone and it will be for me since I will contunue working during the week. I will be up front and honest with her and will of course offer to help when I can. I appreciate your advice and you're right, if she is unhappy with the time I am trying make, there isn't much I can do about it.

I do understand this is tough for her. I know how frustrated she is. We had already addressed and sealed all her save the dates when she found out the church was already booked. We were literally attaching stamps when she called the church to ask a quick question and found out.

As some PP have said, I wasn't trying to suggest along the lines of: "since she messed up, oh well". I worded that incorrectly and I apoligize for giving that impression. I meant we will both have commitnemts during that time. Her wedding was three months prior and I scheduled mine well after so there would be time in-between. I didn't expect the wedding to move so far from its original date. I'll be honset, it stressed me out.

kitty8403 · November 2013

phira said:
I disagree with most of what PPs have said. You are not being selfish; she mucked up her wedding date and you agreed to be maid of honor under different circumstances. You're not selfish or a bad friend for prioritizing your life and wedding over hers--it's YOUR life. She's welcome to prioritize her life and wedding (and she should!) over yours.

That said, she is not being a terrible friend for being disappointed and stressed. If I were in her shoes, I'd be so frustrated with everything going so badly; having my maid of honor back out would make things even worse and I'd be much less understanding about it than I would be if things were otherwise going well.

Here's really what you need to figure out:

Can you still attend the wedding and wedding reception?

If you cannot attend the ceremony and/or reception at all because of the date change, then you need to back out of the wedding since you actually won't be there.

If you can attend the ceremony and reception, then you need to sit down with your friend and have the following conversation:

"Friend, I know how horrible it's been having to switch your date and rebook so many vendors. I'm still game for being your maid of honor, and you know that I'm here to support you emotionally every step of the way. Unfortunately, because of the date change, I'm not going to be able to do things like host or attend showers or the bachelorette party. I'll pretty much just be able to show up for the wedding. I'm still ready to stand up with you, do a reading, give a toast--whatever you want me to do during the wedding! But if you don't want me as your maid of honor unless I can make all the other events, then I understand if you need me to back down and either just be a bridesmaid or just be a guest."

I second Phira's comments. It's like blowing a project deadline. The bride failed to plan correctly and to consult you in the date-change process. That's on her, not you. It is NOT your responsibility to drop everything, change your wedding date, or interrupt existing plans to accommodate her failure to plan appropriately. It's an "emergency" of her own making.

Does it take 2-3 hours for a party? Sure. But that discounts the hours of advance planning and the related expenses--you mentioned moving, so are you looking at travel and airfare on top of it all?

I suggest you can still be MOH if the date doesn't conflict with an existing obligation, but you need to
set boundaries. You might have to tell your friend, "sorry, I will definitely be there on your day, but I can't plan the bachelorette/go to your shower/sit in on more than one fitting/etc. We already have other things that must be done during that time."

PennyBlossom2311 · November 2013

While it will be out of state, it is only about six hours away. At least airfare won't be an issue. I think that is the best approach. I will tell her I can still be in the wedding, but there will need to be boundries and an understanding that both of us will have other commitments.

Jen4948 · November 2013

I third @phira. She hit the nail on the head.

At this point, I'd tell your friend, "Friend, with the change of date of your wedding, while I can and do still promise to attend on the actual day, I can't promise to be at or plan any other activities for your wedding. I hope I can still be your MOH, but if you want me to step down because I can't do those other things, I understand."

bethsmiles · November 2013

I have to agree with @phira as well. I don't think your concerns are selfish. If it were me I would do my absolute best to be able to make the ceremony and stand up as MOH. As for the rest of it, you do what you can. Hopefully, your friend will understand.

erinlin25 · November 2013

since your friend changed her date she needs to accept the fact that you now cannot commit to everything pre wedding you originally thought you could. You can still be her MOH and really she would be a bad friend/bride if she thinks any different. all you have to do is be there on her wedding day; if you can do that you can be her MOH. Now if you would prefer to be a more active MOH then you can always choose to "step down" and tell her its OK to pick someone else, but if this is a good friend I feel like she should understand and still want you to be her MOH whether you are involved or not. Talk to your friend, be honest; I'm sure together you can work something out.

Rebl90 · November 2013

I think @phira stated everything perfectly. Hopefully your friend will show that she truly is your friend by being understanding of how this big of a change affects you. You don't sound selfish, you sound like someone who really wants to do the right thing in a stressful situation.

(I think its unbelievable that she didn't officially book the church, but I suppose things happen)

jenniferurs · November 2013

Like PP have stated, why can't you just do the shower and bachelorette when originally planned for?

PrettyGirlLost · November 2013

phira said:

I disagree with most of what PPs have said. You are not being selfish; she mucked up her wedding date and you agreed to be maid of honor under different circumstances. You're not selfish or a bad friend for prioritizing your life and wedding over hers--it's YOUR life. She's welcome to prioritize her life and wedding (and she should!) over yours.

That said, she is not being a terrible friend for being disappointed and stressed. If I were in her shoes, I'd be so frustrated with everything going so badly; having my maid of honor back out would make things even worse and I'd be much less understanding about it than I would be if things were otherwise going well.

Here's really what you need to figure out:

Can you still attend the wedding and wedding reception?

If you cannot attend the ceremony and/or reception at all because of the date change, then you need to back out of the wedding since you actually won't be there.

If you can attend the ceremony and reception, then you need to sit down with your friend and have the following conversation:

"Friend, I know how horrible it's been having to switch your date and rebook so many vendors. I'm still game for being your maid of honor, and you know that I'm here to support you emotionally every step of the way. Unfortunately, because of the date change, I'm not going to be able to do things like host or attend showers or the bachelorette party. I'll pretty much just be able to show up for the wedding. I'm still ready to stand up with you, do a reading, give a toast--whatever you want me to do during the wedding! But if you don't want me as your maid of honor unless I can make all the other events, then I understand if you need me to back down and either just be a bridesmaid or just be a guest."

I agree with Phira.

http://31.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_ltyxleXdPN1qi3lo9o1_250.gif

PennyBlossom2311 · November 2013

Good afternoon everyone,

Well, its been settled. Its a bit long but, with everyone's input, I wanted to at least let you know how it all turned out.

I would like to thank everyone for their advice with this situation. I took your advice and as one PP suggested, offered for us to do things together since our weddings are so close together. We could take this time to help eachother out and spend some time together since I will be unable to attend many events closer to the wedding. I thought we could bounce ideas off of eachother and go together to look at flowers, decorations, etc. I also offered to keep the dates for the original bachelorette weekend as many people will be able to attend that weekend. I thought these were good ideas and very reasonable compromises considering the time crunch.

Well........An evil, irrational clone must have taken over my friend in the last few days because boy was I wrong. While we were out looking at decoration ideas (which I thought was a step in the right direction) I told her I really liked something, she snapped. "This is not all about you. If you're going keep talking about what you want, then you're not being helpful to me". It didnt stop there. She pointed out that since the bachelorette party was already a month before the previous date, that it would now be four months before her wedding. (I guess an unacceptable time frame) She said since school will be starting around the date of my wedding that a lot of people won;'t go. She said she hopes my bridesmaids dresses don't look like hers AND.....Here's my favorite, "Speaking of bridesmaid dresses, when were you going to ask me to be a bridesmaid?" Whaaat?! I was so shocked I didn't even know what to say. I couldn't even get upset. This whole exchange happened in less than five minutes. I stood there jaw dropped and dazed for a few seconds with a wtf look probably plastered all over my face.

Long story short, we are taking a few days apart (probably a good idea after I said she needed to remove her crazy princess tiara and put on her big girl panites and get over herself, all while in the middle of the store. Not my best moment but, defintely not my worst.) We met yesterday for a talk and both apologized. But, tensions are still a little high. We're going to get through the holiday and catch up in a week or two. I will continue to be her MOH and help her with whatever I can, within reason. She knows my availibilty is limited and said as long as I'm there the day of, she's happy. She will not be in my wedding but of course, is invited. I told her I was keeping my bridal party small and am only having my sister stand with me. (no need to hurt feelings) I have told her I will be blunt when she's being unreasonable and she has agreed to do the same. Looking back I probably should have waited a few days to talk to her, as she is still reeling from the date change and I know she's stressed. Never a fan of sharing the spotlight, I probably should have known better than to go with her to look at thngs for both of our weddings.

People can and will say whatever they want but, she's a good friend and is usually very sweet. She has just had some nutty moments. We've been good friends and we will still be friends when this is all over. In talking with other people and reading your responses, I know we both just need to be understanding. This is a special day for both of us and while it can stress us out, it is just one day. Our friendship is worth more than just the day. We may complain but we will make it happen to be there for both. I really appreciate everyone's input and advice. It is nice to be able to ask ladies in similar situations for help on these sticky topics.

I hope everyone has a wonderful Thanksgiving!

JCbride2015 · November 2013

Beth5246 said:

Good afternoon everyone,

Well, its been settled. Its a bit long but, with everyone's input, I wanted to at least let you know how it all turned out.

I would like to thank everyone for their advice with this situation. I took your advice and as one PP suggested, offered for us to do things together since our weddings are so close together. We could take this time to help eachother out and spend some time together since I will be unable to attend many events closer to the wedding. I thought we could bounce ideas off of eachother and go together to look at flowers, decorations, etc. I also offered to keep the dates for the original bachelorette weekend as many people will be able to attend that weekend. I thought these were good ideas and very reasonable compromises considering the time crunch.

Well........An evil, irrational clone must have taken over my friend in the last few days because boy was I wrong. While we were out looking at decoration ideas (which I thought was a step in the right direction) I told her I really liked something, she snapped. "This is not all about you. If you're going keep talking about what you want, then you're not being helpful to me". It didnt stop there. She pointed out that since the bachelorette party was already a month before the previous date, that it would now be four months before her wedding. (I guess an unacceptable time frame) She said since school will be starting around the date of my wedding that a lot of people won;'t go. She said she hopes my bridesmaids dresses don't look like hers AND.....Here's my favorite, "Speaking of bridesmaid dresses, when were you going to ask me to be a bridesmaid?" Whaaat?! I was so shocked I didn't even know what to say. I couldn't even get upset. This whole exchange happened in less than five minutes. I stood there jaw dropped and dazed for a few seconds with a wtf look probably plastered all over my face.

Long story short, we are taking a few days apart (probably a good idea after I said she needed to remove her crazy princess tiara and put on her big girl panites and get over herself, all while in the middle of the store. Not my best moment but, defintely not my worst.) We met yesterday for a talk and both apologized. But, tensions are still a little high. We're going to get through the holiday and catch up in a week or two. I will continue to be her MOH and help her with whatever I can, within reason. She knows my availibilty is limited and said as long as I'm there the day of, she's happy. She will not be in my wedding but of course, is invited. I told her I was keeping my bridal party small and am only having my sister stand with me. (no need to hurt feelings) I have told her I will be blunt when she's being unreasonable and she has agreed to do the same. Looking back I probably should have waited a few days to talk to her, as she is still reeling from the date change and I know she's stressed. Never a fan of sharing the spotlight, I probably should have known better than to go with her to look at thngs for both of our weddings.

People can and will say whatever they want but, she's a good friend and is usually very sweet. She has just had some nutty moments. We've been good friends and we will still be friends when this is all over. In talking with other people and reading your responses, I know we both just need to be understanding. This is a special day for both of us and while it can stress us out, it is just one day. Our friendship is worth more than just the day. We may complain but we will make it happen to be there for both. I really appreciate everyone's input and advice. It is nice to be able to ask ladies in similar situations for help on these sticky topics.

I hope everyone has a wonderful Thanksgiving!

WHOA. Your friend seems to have morphed into full-on bridezilla mode. I'm surprised you kept the language clean in the bolded.... I don't even know what I would have done. Kudos for keeping your head on straight and even giving this girl a second chance.

Proceed with caution. At this point, it seems like your friend views her wedding as more important than the relationship.

PennyBlossom2311 · December 2013

lol It was a strange situation to say the least. But, at that point, I couldn't even get mad. It was just beyond ridiculous.

Date change - No longer able to be MOH

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