Addressing invitations

SoontobeMrsNytes · December 2013

My invitations were delivered yesterday - yay! But, I noticed they did not come with inner envelopes. I have read when addressing them the outer envelope should be addressed to Mr. and Mrs., or whatever the case may be (i.e. Mr. and Mrs. John Smith), and the names of the guests on the inner envelope (i.e. John and Jane). This may sound silly, but I have several guests who have adult children living with them who are not invited and some guests with plus 1's. How do I address them so the guests know who is invited?

huskypuppy14 · December 2013

Just address the outer envelopes to who is invited. If you are inviting joe and Jane Smith: Mr. and Mrs. Smith then their address. Adult children should get their own invitation, but if you were inviting a child you could add Miss Sally Smith to the envelope as well.

If someone responds with more people then you intended, you call them and say the invitation was only for Joe and Jane hope you can still make it.

huskypuppy14 · December 2013

Also, if you are giving someone a plus one, you can add "and guest" to the outer envelope. All SO should be invited and you should find out the names of people's girlfriend or boyfriend.

SoontobeMrsNytes · December 2013

Thank you, @laurynm84. That was part of my issue too, is it proper to write "and guest" on the outer envelope? I only know the full names of some of my guests' SO's. I certainly don't want to offend anyone.

doeydo · December 2013

For a person you are inviting with a plus one (if they are dating the person, you should put the person's name on the invite, but if they are truly single then it is fine to give a plus one): Mr. John Smith and Guest
For the couple with kids (people over 18 get their own invitation, even if living at home; also, people shouldn't assume that they are invited if their name isn't on the invitation): Mr. and Mrs. John Smith
If anyone RSVPs with someone who isn't invited, you can call them and tell them that you are sorry, but the invitation was only meant for Mr. and Mrs. John Smith and you cannot accommodate Little Jimmy.

SoontobeMrsNytes · December 2013

Part of my concern is one of my FI's very close friends has a 21 year old daughter who is a mess, drug and alcohol addictions, and lives with her parents. She has had a crush on my FI for much longer than we've been together. She has frequently been rather rude to me. I really don't want her there, I'm a little concerned she'll cause a scene. I'm afraid, because she lives with her parents, she'll piggyback on their invite.
I may just be overthinking it too...

SP29 · December 2013

Then in that case, when they RSVP, you would call up those friends and say, "I'm sorry the invite is only for you and Jane, we can't accommodate Sue, I hope you can still come".

If they only RSVP for two, but show up with daughter, then that will be on them that there is no chair or meal available for daughter and you are under no obligation to accommodate them.

Giving someone an "and guest" if for someone who is truly single and you are giving them the option to bring someone of their choosing (a date, a friend, a relative, etc). If someone IS in a relationship with someone, find out their SOs name, as a person (even if you don't know them) should always be addressed by name.

vk2204 · December 2013

When we ordered our invitations they didn't come with inner envelopes either. So we took one of the envelopes to Staples and found a slightly larger one and used that for an outer, and used the one that came with the set as inners.

CheleLyn · December 2013

Ooooh...great idea @vk2204! Ours wont have inners either so that's what I'm going to do

SoontobeMrsNytes · December 2013

@vk2204, that is exactly what my FI suggested last night!

huskypuppy14 · December 2013

I have always received an invitation with "and guest" on the outer envelope, and if it is improper, it's really a victim-less crime.

Jen4948 · December 2013

laurynm84 said:

I have always received an invitation with "and guest" on the outer envelope, and if it is improper, it's really a victim-less crime.

Well, there are two problems with "and guest":
1) it can be insulting on an envelope sent to an existing couple when this is used in lieu of finding out the unnamed partner's name
2) if it is used to indicate that a truly single person can bring someone of their choice, the hosts are stuck with whoever the single guest wants to bring.

So "victimless" isn't 100% accurate.

huskypuppy14 · December 2013

laurynm84 said:

I have always received an invitation with "and guest" on the outer envelope, and if it is improper, it's really a victim-less crime.

Well, there are two problems with "and guest":
1) it can be insulting on an envelope sent to an existing couple when this is used in lieu of finding out the unnamed partner's name
2) if it is used to indicate that a truly single person can bring someone of their choice, the hosts are stuck with whoever the single guest wants to bring.

So "victimless" isn't 100% accurate.

I was responding to placing "and guest" on the outer envelope vs the inner envelope being victimless, not calling someone a "guest" when they have a SO. Also, if the hosts put "and guest" for truly single guests, that is their prerogative, and they shouldn't have a problem with whoever is chosen to fullfill the guest spot.

Jen4948 · December 2013

laurynm84 said:

laurynm84 said:

I have always received an invitation with "and guest" on the outer envelope, and if it is improper, it's really a victim-less crime.

Well, there are two problems with "and guest":
1) it can be insulting on an envelope sent to an existing couple when this is used in lieu of finding out the unnamed partner's name
2) if it is used to indicate that a truly single person can bring someone of their choice, the hosts are stuck with whoever the single guest wants to bring.

So "victimless" isn't 100% accurate.

I was responding to placing "and guest" on the outer envelope vs the inner envelope being victimless, not calling someone a "guest" when they have a SO. Also, if the hosts put "and guest" for truly single guests, that is their prerogative, and they shouldn't have a problem with whoever is chosen to fullfill the guest spot.

Unfortunately, as we read right here in this forum quite a lot, this is not always the case. The users of "and guest" find themselves taken aback when the "and guest" turns out to be someone they don't like and didn't directly invite themselves. In this instance, the host turns out to be his/her own victim.

And it is wrong to use "and guest" rather than find out the name of an SO. In that instance, it is not a "victimless crime." There is a victim: the unnamed SO.

smalfrie19 · December 2013

Jen4948 said:

laurynm84 said:

laurynm84 said:

I have always received an invitation with "and guest" on the outer envelope, and if it is improper, it's really a victim-less crime.

Well, there are two problems with "and guest":
1) it can be insulting on an envelope sent to an existing couple when this is used in lieu of finding out the unnamed partner's name
2) if it is used to indicate that a truly single person can bring someone of their choice, the hosts are stuck with whoever the single guest wants to bring.

So "victimless" isn't 100% accurate.

I was responding to placing "and guest" on the outer envelope vs the inner envelope being victimless, not calling someone a "guest" when they have a SO. Also, if the hosts put "and guest" for truly single guests, that is their prerogative, and they shouldn't have a problem with whoever is chosen to fullfill the guest spot.

Unfortunately, as we read right here in this forum quite a lot, this is not always the case. The users of "and guest" find themselves taken aback when the "and guest" turns out to be someone they don't like and didn't directly invite themselves. In this instance, the host turns out to be his/her own victim.

And it is wrong to use "and guest" rather than find out the name of an SO. In that instance, it is not a "victimless crime." There is a victim: the unnamed SO.

To the bolded: This has already been addressed..yest its rude.

Also, if you don't want a truly single guest bringing someone then you don't invite them with a guest at all. How else do you invite a truly single guest with a date/guest if it's not their SO?!

Jen4948 · December 2013

smalfrie19 said:

Jen4948 said:

laurynm84 said:

laurynm84 said:

I have always received an invitation with "and guest" on the outer envelope, and if it is improper, it's really a victim-less crime.

Well, there are two problems with "and guest":
1) it can be insulting on an envelope sent to an existing couple when this is used in lieu of finding out the unnamed partner's name
2) if it is used to indicate that a truly single person can bring someone of their choice, the hosts are stuck with whoever the single guest wants to bring.

So "victimless" isn't 100% accurate.

I was responding to placing "and guest" on the outer envelope vs the inner envelope being victimless, not calling someone a "guest" when they have a SO. Also, if the hosts put "and guest" for truly single guests, that is their prerogative, and they shouldn't have a problem with whoever is chosen to fullfill the guest spot.

Unfortunately, as we read right here in this forum quite a lot, this is not always the case. The users of "and guest" find themselves taken aback when the "and guest" turns out to be someone they don't like and didn't directly invite themselves. In this instance, the host turns out to be his/her own victim.

And it is wrong to use "and guest" rather than find out the name of an SO. In that instance, it is not a "victimless crime." There is a victim: the unnamed SO.

To the bolded: This has already been addressed..yest its rude.

I know. You do not have to bring this to my attention.

Also, if you don't want a truly single guest bringing someone then you don't invite them with a guest at all. How else do you invite a truly single guest with a date/guest if it's not their SO?!

You can do that. It's not a "crime" in and of itself. But, it means that the couple has to accept whoever the single guest wants to bring as their "and guest." They can't protest or try to ban the "and guest" if it turns out to be someone they don't want at their wedding.

huskypuppy14 · December 2013

Jen4948 said:

smalfrie19 said:

Jen4948 said:

laurynm84 said:

laurynm84 said:

I have always received an invitation with "and guest" on the outer envelope, and if it is improper, it's really a victim-less crime.

Well, there are two problems with "and guest":
1) it can be insulting on an envelope sent to an existing couple when this is used in lieu of finding out the unnamed partner's name
2) if it is used to indicate that a truly single person can bring someone of their choice, the hosts are stuck with whoever the single guest wants to bring.

So "victimless" isn't 100% accurate.

I was responding to placing "and guest" on the outer envelope vs the inner envelope being victimless, not calling someone a "guest" when they have a SO. Also, if the hosts put "and guest" for truly single guests, that is their prerogative, and they shouldn't have a problem with whoever is chosen to fullfill the guest spot.

Unfortunately, as we read right here in this forum quite a lot, this is not always the case. The users of "and guest" find themselves taken aback when the "and guest" turns out to be someone they don't like and didn't directly invite themselves. In this instance, the host turns out to be his/her own victim.

And it is wrong to use "and guest" rather than find out the name of an SO. In that instance, it is not a "victimless crime." There is a victim: the unnamed SO.

To the bolded: This has already been addressed..yest its rude.

I know. You do not have to bring this to my attention.

Also, if you don't want a truly single guest bringing someone then you don't invite them with a guest at all. How else do you invite a truly single guest with a date/guest if it's not their SO?!

You can do that. It's not a "crime" in and of itself. But, it means that the couple has to accept whoever the single guest wants to bring as their "and guest." They can't protest or try to ban the "and guest" if it turns out to be someone they don't want at their wedding.

Schatzi13 above when I said it was a victim less crime, regarding it being improper to put and guest on the outer envelopes vs inner (which is what the OP was talking about). Sorry if that wasn't clear.

Nobody was saying anything about putting "and guest" in place of a named SO, which would be rude whether it was on the inner or outer envelope.

Basically, it's not rude to not have inner envelopes!

Jen4948 · December 2013

laurynm84 said:

Jen4948 said:

smalfrie19 said:

Jen4948 said:

laurynm84 said:

laurynm84 said:

I have always received an invitation with "and guest" on the outer envelope, and if it is improper, it's really a victim-less crime.

Well, there are two problems with "and guest":
1) it can be insulting on an envelope sent to an existing couple when this is used in lieu of finding out the unnamed partner's name
2) if it is used to indicate that a truly single person can bring someone of their choice, the hosts are stuck with whoever the single guest wants to bring.

So "victimless" isn't 100% accurate.

I was responding to placing "and guest" on the outer envelope vs the inner envelope being victimless, not calling someone a "guest" when they have a SO. Also, if the hosts put "and guest" for truly single guests, that is their prerogative, and they shouldn't have a problem with whoever is chosen to fullfill the guest spot.

Unfortunately, as we read right here in this forum quite a lot, this is not always the case. The users of "and guest" find themselves taken aback when the "and guest" turns out to be someone they don't like and didn't directly invite themselves. In this instance, the host turns out to be his/her own victim.

And it is wrong to use "and guest" rather than find out the name of an SO. In that instance, it is not a "victimless crime." There is a victim: the unnamed SO.

To the bolded: This has already been addressed..yest its rude.

I know. You do not have to bring this to my attention.

Also, if you don't want a truly single guest bringing someone then you don't invite them with a guest at all. How else do you invite a truly single guest with a date/guest if it's not their SO?!

You can do that. It's not a "crime" in and of itself. But, it means that the couple has to accept whoever the single guest wants to bring as their "and guest." They can't protest or try to ban the "and guest" if it turns out to be someone they don't want at their wedding.

Schatzi13 above when I said it was a victim less crime, regarding it being improper to put and guest on the outer envelopes vs inner (which is what the OP was talking about). Sorry if that wasn't clear.

Nobody was saying anything about putting "and guest" in place of a named SO, which would be rude whether it was on the inner or outer envelope.
Basically, it's not rude to not have inner envelopes!

I think we stumbled and fell against each other about the "victimless crime" comparison rather than the actual etiquette usage. "And guest" by itself isn't a "victimless crime," but it certainly has the ability to be abused such as in the instances above, in which case it becomes a crime with victims.

Viczaesar · December 2013

Jen4948 said:

laurynm84 said:

Jen4948 said:

smalfrie19 said:

Jen4948 said:

laurynm84 said:

laurynm84 said:

I have always received an invitation with "and guest" on the outer envelope, and if it is improper, it's really a victim-less crime.

Well, there are two problems with "and guest":
1) it can be insulting on an envelope sent to an existing couple when this is used in lieu of finding out the unnamed partner's name
2) if it is used to indicate that a truly single person can bring someone of their choice, the hosts are stuck with whoever the single guest wants to bring.

So "victimless" isn't 100% accurate.

I was responding to placing "and guest" on the outer envelope vs the inner envelope being victimless, not calling someone a "guest" when they have a SO. Also, if the hosts put "and guest" for truly single guests, that is their prerogative, and they shouldn't have a problem with whoever is chosen to fullfill the guest spot.

Unfortunately, as we read right here in this forum quite a lot, this is not always the case. The users of "and guest" find themselves taken aback when the "and guest" turns out to be someone they don't like and didn't directly invite themselves. In this instance, the host turns out to be his/her own victim.

And it is wrong to use "and guest" rather than find out the name of an SO. In that instance, it is not a "victimless crime." There is a victim: the unnamed SO.

To the bolded: This has already been addressed..yest its rude.

I know. You do not have to bring this to my attention.

Also, if you don't want a truly single guest bringing someone then you don't invite them with a guest at all. How else do you invite a truly single guest with a date/guest if it's not their SO?!

You can do that. It's not a "crime" in and of itself. But, it means that the couple has to accept whoever the single guest wants to bring as their "and guest." They can't protest or try to ban the "and guest" if it turns out to be someone they don't want at their wedding.

Schatzi13 above when I said it was a victim less crime, regarding it being improper to put and guest on the outer envelopes vs inner (which is what the OP was talking about). Sorry if that wasn't clear.

Nobody was saying anything about putting "and guest" in place of a named SO, which would be rude whether it was on the inner or outer envelope.
Basically, it's not rude to not have inner envelopes!

I think we stumbled and fell against each other about the "victimless crime" comparison rather than the actual etiquette usage. "And guest" by itself isn't a "victimless crime," but it certainly has the ability to be abused such as in the instances above, in which case it becomes a crime with victims.

Except she wasn't talking about the concept of "and guest", she was talking about having "and guest" being written on the outer envelope instead of just an inner envelope.

banana468 · December 2013

If you don't have inner envelopes it's fine to indicate that information on the one outer envelope. However, if you have one then you should never leave the inner envelope blank. A blank inner envelope technically tells the guests on the outer envelope to bring anyone they want.

Addressing invitations

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