Sister Woes, HELP!

hlpopper · December 2013

So, I had all my bridesmaids picked out, I've been getting everything ready for the girls that I chose who I knew would be there for me and the most supportive of me at this time in my life with my maid of honor being my older step sister who has always been there for me. My family, however, are telling me that if I have my step-sister be my maid of honor, I should at least have my sister be one of my bridesmaids. She has been invited to my wedding, contrary to what my fiance has asked, but I absolutely want her to have nothing to do with my bridal party. To put things in perspective, she and I have never had a good relationship with her bullying me at school, stealing boyfriends, the usual sister stuff. I've learned to forgive and forget. She decided, after I announced my engagement, that she wanted to get married. I tried to help her and helped even give her money for vendors she said she was getting for the wedding and even pitched in to help buy a dress for her. After a few months of trying to help her with her wedding, I find out that she had already gotten married, not telling anyone in my family until her husbands family sent her congratulatory cards and calls and my parents called me up, upset that she never told us. When I confronted her about it, she decided to get angry with me that I felt I needed to confront her about it and that what she did was her own business. Since then she has moved and not given me her address, has not talked to me via e-mail or phone call and decided to completely block me on facebook. She wasted my time, my money, and cut all ties with me. I have no real way of reaching out to her and we haven't spoken for the past 4 months. She refuses to be over at my parent's houses for the holidays while I'm visiting and seems to want nothing to do with me. I think that even if I did ask her to be a bridesmaid, she wouldn't even show up. Am I in the wrong for not having her as a bridesmaid after what she has done and is currently doing?

clarke10 · December 2013

Just because she's your sister certainly doesn't mean you have to have her as a bridesmaid. BM's should be only your closest friends and from what you've described, she isn't that, especially considering she won't even talk to you. Definitely don't ask her to be a BM in the hopes of mending the relationship.

That was very generous to give her money for her own wedding but tbh, I'm not sure why you did.

cruffino · December 2013

i would send her an invitation, but leave it at that. you and she aren't on good terms now, and i definitely don't think a wedding is an experiment for making amends. if she shows up, maybe there's hope for your future relationship. and if she doesn't, well you just have to move on. if she wasn't your sister, this wouldn't even be an issue, so i wouldn't entertain the idea based on her behavior.

southernbelle0915 · December 2013

Your family is wrong. You should ask who you want to be in your WP and that's it. If you aren't close with your sister, it doesn't make sense to ask her. If she's acting the way you describe, I highly doubt being your BM has even crossed her mind.

I would send her an email/FB message asking for her address so you can send her an invitation when the time comes. If she doesn't respond, I'd try a few more times just to ensure I tried. I'd also email/FB her husband and possibly reach out to her husband parents (it sounds like y'all are close since they were in touch with your folks). If you get her address, send her an invite. If not, you did what you could.

Jen4948 · December 2013

southernbelle0915 said:

Your family is wrong. You should ask who you want to be in your WP and that's it. If you aren't close with your sister, it doesn't make sense to ask her. If she's acting the way you describe, I highly doubt being your BM has even crossed her mind.

I would send her an email/FB message asking for her address so you can send her an invitation when the time comes. If she doesn't respond, I'd try a few more times just to ensure I tried. I'd also email/FB her husband and possibly reach out to her husband parents (it sounds like y'all are close since they were in touch with your folks). If you get her address, send her an invite. If not, you did what you could.

I agree. Since it sounds like she wants nothing more to do with you than you want to do with her, I'd bring this up to your family and tell them that regardless of what they want, neither you nor your sister wants her to be in the wedding party and that it is a closed subject.

Your wedding is not the time for reconciliations that are talking place not because you two want it but because third parties are putting pressure on you.

OliveOilsMom · December 2013

hlpopper said:

So, I had all my bridesmaids picked out, I've been getting everything ready for the girls that I chose who I knew would be there for me and the most supportive of me at this time in my life with my maid of honor being my older step sister who has always been there for me. My family, however, are telling me that if I have my step-sister be my maid of honor, I should at least have my sister be one of my bridesmaids. She has been invited to my wedding, contrary to what my fiance has asked, but I absolutely want her to have nothing to do with my bridal party. To put things in perspective, she and I have never had a good relationship with her bullying me at school, stealing boyfriends, the usual sister stuff. I've learned to forgive and forget. She decided, after I announced my engagement, that she wanted to get married. I tried to help her and helped even give her money for vendors she said she was getting for the wedding and even pitched in to help buy a dress for her. After a few months of trying to help her with her wedding, I find out that she had already gotten married, not telling anyone in my family until her husbands family sent her congratulatory cards and calls and my parents called me up, upset that she never told us. When I confronted her about it, she decided to get angry with me that I felt I needed to confront her about it and that what she did was her own business. Since then she has moved and not given me her address, has not talked to me via e-mail or phone call and decided to completely block me on facebook. She wasted my time, my money, and cut all ties with me. I have no real way of reaching out to her and we haven't spoken for the past 4 months. She refuses to be over at my parent's houses for the holidays while I'm visiting and seems to want nothing to do with me. I think that even if I did ask her to be a bridesmaid, she wouldn't even show up. Am I in the wrong for not having her as a bridesmaid after what she has done and is currently doing?

Your WP should be your nearest and dearest. From your description, your sister does not fall into this category. You tried being nice to her and she took advantage of you, now she won't even talk to you. Send her the wedding invitation when the time comes and that's it.

MairePoppy · December 2013

Your sister has treated you and your family members horribly. FTR, it's not usual sibling stuff to steal boyfriends and bully.Your parents probably think that it will mend the relationship between your sister and your family if you extend the olive branch and ask her to be in your wedding party. It's not likely that an adult who lies and takes advantage, as she has done, will change without some kind of therapy. Point out to your parents that the two of you don't want a relationship, at the moment, and the subject is closed. Don't feel guilty about your decision.

Belthil · December 2013

I agree with everyone else. Your WP should be your nearest and dearest. Just because you share DNA with someone does not mean that you're close to them. Stick with the WP you have and send your sister an invitation, which is a honor too.

Let your parents know that your WP is not up for debate and that you and your sister are adults and can make your own adult decisions.

AddieCake · December 2013

There is no reason to ask her to be a bridesmaid. You don't even like each other.

hlpopper · December 2013

Thanks for the insight, I find it really relieving that it sounds like the general consensus is that I shouldn't feel bad for not having her in the bridal party. I was planning on sending her an invitation as I feel barring her from my own wedding would just bring me down to her level, and I do hope that the wedding will help strengthen already existing family bonds and create some new ones with the joining of two families. I was just having some major anxiety over this as I kept getting more pressure and I couldn't tell if I was in the right by saying no or not.

Sister Woes, HELP!

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