Having Mom and FMIL issues…

WedMe14 · November 2013

Ever since we have been engaged the plan for things is that my parents would pay for the wedding and reception and his parents are paying for the rehearsal dinner and our honeymoon.

Since my FMIL has been planning the rehearsal dinner it has been getting WAY out of hand. I have opted to not say too much about it since she is paying for it. I was ok with the fact that she didn't want to use our wedding colors, have a theme, have cake, invite over 50 people, and hire a saxophonist to serenade people.…my fiancé and I have been able to talk her out of favors but, trying to talk to her about any of this isn't working.…nothing we can say to her is working. These things are not things you see at rehearsal dinners where we are getting married. Both my fiancé and I feel like this rehearsal dinner is taking away from the focus of the day….the focus of why we are really there.

I was learning to be ok with all of this up until this past Sunday when her "ideas" started to invade the reception…what my parents are paying for. Sunday while gathering addresses for our save the dates she mentioned that she thought we needed to have free "signature drinks at the reception in addition to the free beer and wine that my parents are paying for. She said that they would pay for it. Here's the kicker….she said this will make the reception classy. WHAT THE HECK? How is what we (my parents have let my FI and I have a HUGE say in what is happening at the ceremony and reception) are doing at the reception not classy? Sure, not all of our centerpieces match….but that is the trend.

So now my mother has said that if they (the future inlaws) want to pay for the signature drinks, then they can pay for the whole bar tab (beer and wine). My FI and I can see this starting a "war" between the two families….not what we want. If my FI talking to his mom doesn't work, then my mother has said that if they have dinner together to discuss this, it isn't the only thing that she'll bring up. She'll bring up the rehearsal dinner and how the focus isn't on my fiancé and I.

The whole point of this post is that planning this wedding isn't fun anymore. My FI and I aren't having fun at all because of ALL of this. Do you guys have suggestions on how we can start having fun again?

HisGirlFriday13 · November 2013

WedMe14 said:

Ever since we have been engaged the plan for things is that my parents would pay for the wedding and reception and his parents are paying for the rehearsal dinner and our honeymoon.

Since my FMIL has been planning the rehearsal dinner it has been getting WAY out of hand. I have opted to not say too much about it since she is paying for it. I was ok with the fact that she didn't want to use our wedding colors, have a theme, have cake, invite over 50 people, and hire a saxophonist to serenade people.…my fiancé and I have been able to talk her out of favors but, trying to talk to her about any of this isn't working.…nothing we can say to her is working. These things are not things you see at rehearsal dinners where we are getting married. Both my fiancé and I feel like this rehearsal dinner is taking away from the focus of the day….the focus of why we are really there.

I was learning to be ok with all of this up until this past Sunday when her "ideas" started to invade the reception…what my parents are paying for. Sunday while gathering addresses for our save the dates she mentioned that she thought we needed to have free "signature drinks at the reception in addition to the free beer and wine that my parents are paying for. She said that they would pay for it. Here's the kicker….she said this will make the reception classy. WHAT THE HECK? How is what we (my parents have let my FI and I have a HUGE say in what is happening at the ceremony and reception) are doing at the reception not classy? Sure, not all of our centerpieces match….but that is the trend.

So now my mother has said that if they (the future inlaws) want to pay for the signature drinks, then they can pay for the whole bar tab (beer and wine). My FI and I can see this starting a "war" between the two families….not what we want. If my FI talking to his mom doesn't work, then my mother has said that if they have dinner together to discuss this, it isn't the only thing that she'll bring up. She'll bring up the rehearsal dinner and how the focus isn't on my fiancé and I.

The whole point of this post is that planning this wedding isn't fun anymore. My FI and I aren't having fun at all because of ALL of this. Do you guys have suggestions on how we can start having fun again?

First bold: Then decline her money, cancel her party, and host one you can afford.

Second bold: Bean dip:

FMIL: I think you should have a signature cocktail

You: Thanks, but we have the reception under control. Have you tried the bean dip?

FMIL: You really need one to class it up!

You: Really, this bean dip is fantastic. Do you think there are black beans or pinto beans in it?

FMIL: Signature drink! Signature drink! Signature drink!

You: I'm going to go ask for the recipe, bye!

Your FI needs to get his mother under control by standing up to her and saying, "Mom, while we appreciate what you're doing, this is not what we want. We need you to be respectful of our wishes, or we're going to have to ask you to step back from planning the event and we'll do it ourselves."

Also, please don't ever again use Comic Sans MS font. Unless you're 12, it's a ridiculous font.

hlvonb · November 2013

I agree with HisGirlFriday13 said. Another thing you can do is tell you FMIL that you appreciate her being excited but that you need her to only focus on what she is paying for. Nice but firm. I did that with my FMIL and it worked.

WedMe14 · November 2013

Thanks for the advice. @HisGirlFriday13 - I like the bean dip idea. I might just try that. We've tried the nice but firm approach and it hasn't seemed to work....but maybe we need to be more firm?

HisGirlFriday13 · November 2013

If you've tried nice but firm and it hasn't worked, then you need to escalate. You need to up the firmness AND offer a stick -- if she doesn't respond to the firmness, there will be consequences.

ktjanesmom · November 2013

Sorry but I have to agree with your FMIL. Signature drinks at your reception would be a nice touch and if they want to pay, let them. And I think your mom is being unkind reacting the way she did. Your future inlaws are just trying to do something nice, special for your wedding. Why all of the negativity? Just be gracious for crying out loud.

HisGirlFriday13 · November 2013

Sorry but I have to agree with your FMIL. Signature drinks at your reception would be a nice touch and if they want to pay, let them. And I think your mom is being unkind reacting the way she did. Your future inlaws are just trying to do something nice, special for your wedding. Why all of the negativity? Just be gracious for crying out loud.

*stuck in the effing box*

A nice touch =/= "needed." And it's not FMIL's place to be telling the bride and groom what they "need" to have at their wedding in her opinion. That's called being overbearing and bitchy. Also, I think the OP would be more inclined to be gracious if FMIL wasn't being over-bearing in every other aspect she's involved in.

Teddy917 · November 2013

Not to take your FMIL's side but is there a reason she might be acting like this. Fi an only/oldest child or has no sisters maybe.

PolarBearFitz · November 2013

ktjanesmom said:

Sorry but I have to agree with your FMIL. Signature drinks at your reception would be a nice touch and if they want to pay, let them. And I think your mom is being unkind reacting the way she did. Your future inlaws are just trying to do something nice, special for your wedding. Why all of the negativity? Just be gracious for crying out loud.

If the bride's family is paying for the bar and reception then they get the say in what happens there. It is not necessary to have a signature drink or for the FMIL to impede on a ceremony/reception that is being handled by the bride's family.

The way it sounds is 'I can make it better so I'm going to tell you I'll pay for it and make it happen.' That is not really acceptable behavior and can start a problem between families. The bride and groom have already decided what they would like with the bride's parents that are paying for the reception. That should be respected.

I don't really see the negativity when OP is actively asking for advice to prevent any turmoil between families. Sounds more like concern and problem solving to me. The FMIL is more so trying to get her say on things she need not be involved with. It's a bit insulting for them to essentially say it needs to be added.

If my in laws offered this I would graciously decline but no need to accept it. It's not required.

climbingsingle · November 2013

I'm sorry you're having to deal with this. I agree with what HisGirlFriday has said. And hopefully your FI will be able to talk some sense into her. I'd just keep declining any of her offers to help with the reception and change the subject.

clarke10 · November 2013

Just tell FMIL that the reception is taken care of and you aren't interested in adding a signature drink. Personally I would have also told her to keep her money and paid for the RD myself.

Belthil · November 2013

I agree with PPs. If you don't like how she is planning the RD you should decline her money. You also don't need to worry about having a fancy RD if you can't afford one. Pizza and beer is a perfectly acceptable option.

MairePoppy · November 2013

Whoever is paying for the RD and reception gets to call the shots. Your FMIL was tactless in the way she offered to pay for signature drinks. You should tell her, "No thank you, my parents have planned a wedding that is perfect for us." Then direct her attention to the RD. Lather, rinse and repeat, as often as necessary. It's very generous of your FILs to pay for your RD and honeymoon, so I'd do my best to not offend them, unless you want to pay for that stuff, yourself.

Since your mom is getting upset over the wedding reception, don't pass along any of FMIL's ideas. You don't want to find yourself in a position where your mom reads the riot act to FMIL.

ETA - there was a bride, a few years back, whose FMIL surprised her by changing her centerpieces, not for the better. You should let the reception venue know that you, your fi and your parents are the only ones authorized to make changes to the plan.

JCbride2015 · November 2013

Teddy917 said:

Not to take your FMIL's side but is there a reason she might be acting like this. Fi an only/oldest child or has no sisters maybe.

This is not an excuse! Agree with other PPs, be nice but firm. Set boundaries now and it will be easier to set them later throughout your marriage. If you cave now, you've set a precedent that she can steamroll over you.

CLI242009 · December 2013

aefitz29 said:

ktjanesmom said:

Sorry but I have to agree with your FMIL. Signature drinks at your reception would be a nice touch and if they want to pay, let them. And I think your mom is being unkind reacting the way she did. Your future inlaws are just trying to do something nice, special for your wedding. Why all of the negativity? Just be gracious for crying out loud.

If the bride's family is paying for the bar and reception then they get the say in what happens there. It is not necessary to have a signature drink or for the FMIL to impede on a ceremony/reception that is being handled by the bride's family.

The way it sounds is 'I can make it better so I'm going to tell you I'll pay for it and make it happen.' That is not really acceptable behavior and can start a problem between families. The bride and groom have already decided what they would like with the bride's parents that are paying for the reception. That should be respected.

I don't really see the negativity when OP is actively asking for advice to prevent any turmoil between families. Sounds more like concern and problem solving to me. The FMIL is more so trying to get her say on things she need not be involved with. It's a bit insulting for them to essentially say it needs to be added.

If my in laws offered this I would graciously decline but no need to accept it. It's not required.

I didn't realize OP had posted this in other forums >.>

I think OP's mother is taking offense that their soon to be in laws are offering to pay for something when they are the ones paying for the reception (the whole who pays gets the say).

I know for most this would be awesome, but there are some people out there that would get offended by this. (offering to pay for dinner, the movie, etc.) I don't understand it, but it just sounds like OP's mom is offended. OP's parents are paying for it. This could be a moment they have been waiting for since having her. This is important to them and their future in laws are budding in. Yes I know it's a suggestion but OP's mom could be taking it as if the in-laws think they are not doing a good enough job or something.

If what OP's mom said "So now my mother has said that if they (the future inlaws) want to pay for the signature drinks, then they can pay for the whole bar tab (beer and wine). " ever got back to her FMIL, yes that could start a war or fight or whatever. Also there's the comment about if they have dinner other things will be brought up for discussion. That can turn ugly very easily....

I don't think the OP is trying to control anything. It just sounds like her FMIL is going a bit overboard with her planning for the RD. Not sure what she means about how the RD is not about the couple...*shrugs*

WedMe14 · December 2013

@CLI242009…when this post was originally made what I meant about the RD not being about the couple was that she had rejected all of our thoughts and ideas. Which I understand, she is paying she gets the say. However, she was dead set on not using the colors of our wedding (she finally agreed to this after 5 months of us trying to talk to her about it). This among other things (too many to list) have been leading us to feel like she has taken the focus from us and what Saturday is truly about and puts it on her and this extravagant party she is throwing.

CLI242009 · December 2013

WedMe14 said:

@CLI242009…when this post was originally made what I meant about the RD not being about the couple was that she had rejected all of our thoughts and ideas. Which I understand, she is paying she gets the say. However, she was dead set on not using the colors of our wedding (she finally agreed to this after 5 months of us trying to talk to her about it). This among other things (too many to list) have been leading us to feel like she has taken the focus from us and what Saturday is truly about and puts it on her and this extravagant party she is throwing.

Ah I see. I don't mean any offense but your FMIL sounds like she's trying to really be like "Look at how I can throw a party!!" That's really what I am getting from how you are describing the way she is acting. Again I know who pays gets the say....but it really sounds like she's trying to throw her own version of a reception....

WedMe14 · December 2013

@CLI242009 Yeah….that's what I keep thinking. I feel like she is trying to one up what my parents are doing for the reception.

CLI242009 · December 2013

WedMe14 said:

@CLI242009 Yeah….that's what I keep thinking. I feel like she is trying to one up what my parents are doing for the reception.

Glad I didn't offend ya. ^_~

I'll give her the benefit of the doubt though. Maybe she doesn't realize she's doing it or coming across like that? Maybe in her mind she really thinks she's only suggesting or helping. She might be oblivious to it. Either way it should be brought up because for your parents it's coming across rude and kind of like a slap in the face.

Her being excited is one thing but over stepping her bounds is another. There's a way to suggest things. Or ask about things without sounding down right rude about it.

MairePoppy · December 2013

WedMe14 said:

@CLI242009 Yeah….that's what I keep thinking. I feel like she is trying to one up what my parents are doing for the reception.

I don't think you're being fair, there. If your FMIL wants to throw a fancy, schmancy party and pull out all the stops, you should go with the flow, just as she should go with the flow on the reception that your parents are paying for and planning.

The RD is a thank you to your wedding party for attending the rehearsal and for participating in your ceremony. The RD hosts may throw whatever kind of party suits their own style and budget, without regard to the style of the wedding reception. They are two separate events. The hosts should invite anyone who is involved with the rehearsal and their SOs and make sure the location and time are convenient for those guests. The members of the wedding party are the guests of honor, not the bride and groom.

ETA - I was trying to be delicate with you, since you're a new poster, but you're feeding into the idea that your FMIL is rude in the way she's planning the RD. It was actually rude of you to interfere with her planning. And you were foolish to repeat your FMIL's comment about the bar to your mom. If you're mother is as hot headed as you make her sound, you could end up with a pissing contest at your wedding.

Having Mom and FMIL issues…

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