Case of the crazies...help? (little long- I'm wordy)

mbross3 · December 2013

I know I'm new around here, but this weird situation has come up and I'd appreciate some advice on how to handle it (sorry if this is long).

My BF and I have been dating for about two years. About a month before we started dating a very close friend of his asked him out on a date. They were both single at the same time for the first time since the beginning of their friendship, I guess they've been friends about 8-9 years now. He turned her down because he never thought of her romantically. About a month later he started dating me and I knew nothing about the situation with this other girl (let's call her L), other than that she really didn't like me. Since they were still close I tried to become friends with her, but was unsuccessful for about a year. Then, last August L started hanging out with this guy and suddenly she was friendlier to me (shocker...).

Long story short, L and this guy went on about 2 dates (he's about 14 years older than her, she's a couple years shy of 30 and she was a little concerned about the age difference since he has 2 daughters that are just about her age) and then she finds out that she's pregnant with his baby- actually babies- twins! Within 6 months L and this guy have moved in together and gone to city hall to get married.

BF and I were invited to the wedding party, I'm not sure what to call it since it wasn't really a reception, but after the city hall marriage they invited all their friends and family to a nice restaurant and we had a really fun celebration. L and I were getting along much better and her best friend even asked me to help plan the baby shower!

Now the babies are 7ish months old and I get a Facebook message from L asking me to be a bridesmaid at her wedding this spring. Now I'm confused because BF and I had already attended her wedding party, bought her a wedding present, and BF even gave a toast at the party! I didn't want to be rude, so I just sent a quick reply inquiring about the wedding and it turns out she's planning a full-on traditional Catholic wedding for this spring!

So, I really want to decline to offer of being a bridesmaid, partially because BF and I live out of state now since I'm in Law School and, while we would definitely come back for this wedding, I don't think I have the time or money to commit to being a bridesmaid right now. I also just feel really weird about this entire thing and I'm afraid that if I become an active participant then my feelings (that this is crazy) are going to leak out and she's going to hate me again (I wouldn't care if it weren't so important to BF that I try to be nice). Is it ok for me to turn her down?

Is it ok to plan a huge wedding when you're already married (less than a year) and you've already celebrated this marriage with friends and family (and gotten gifts, etc)? BF doesn't seem to think it's too weird, in fact he thinks it's far less crazy than the pregnancy, moving in, marriage within six months. I'm sure we'll be invited and will attend, but then do we have to purchase another wedding gift? Maybe my irritation at this is irrational, but sometimes I do get irritated when things don't make sense (hazards of studying law).

Have any of you experienced something like this before? Sorry for the long post!

Blue & White · December 2013

I would decline based on money to spare the girl's feelings (I've turned down an offer to be a bridesmaid before due to schooling requirements/lack of money before, it's not a big deal. It's way worse if you say yes and then back out.)

Also, typically the Catholic church won't marry you if you're already married. I believe they can do a convalidation, but not a marriage. I'm a little rusty with my Catholic rules.

I wouldn't purchase another wedding gift unless my first one was lame. I might give the babies a 1 year bday gift though, because I don't think I should punish babies for their parents' ridiculousness. Plus they're babies.

Swazzle · December 2013

I would absolutely not waste my time, money, and energy being a bridesmaid for someone that is already married and with whom I've already celebrated their marriage. That's just insanity.

I don't even know if I would attend and I definitely wouldn't purchase another gift. If anything, I'd give a card that says "Congratulations on your marriage..... again."

mbross3 · December 2013

@blue & White I like the idea of giving a baby gift- maybe we'll do that instead of another wedding gift!

I was also wondering about the Catholic church marrying them again, my family is "traditionally Catholic" - none of us are practicing but my parents were raised Catholic- and I guess normally the church would not, but in this case they will do the full ceremony since L has been going to that church for her whole life. I thought maybe they would consider it something like a vowel renewal, but L says it will be the full marriage ceremony including her father giving her away...re-giving her away?

GoldenPenguin · December 2013

1. I would turn down being a bridesmaid. For many, MANY reasons, but you can absolutely use the school/money excuse if you're comfortable.

2. They aren't getting married. They're having a PPD. And I'm pretty sure they aren't actually having a "wedding" in the Catholic Church - I think what @blue&white said is correct, the Catholic Church won't recognize it as a wedding.

3. WHY DO PEOPLE THINK THIS IS OKAY?!?!

labro · December 2013

I agree with @BriSox81 . I thought the Catholic Church viewed marriage as a sacrament. It seems to me like they wouldn't go through the whole entire wedding mass just because this person has been attending that particular church her entire life. My aunt and uncle had a convalidation ceremony a few years ago after 30 plus years of marriage because their original wedding was purely civil and done in a courthouse so the Church didn't internally recognize it. It was a very very very small affair with just their children and their children's families in attendance. Definitely NOT a marriage redo like your friend is doing. This whole thing seriously perplexes me.

I would also say no to being a bridesmaid. You can tell her it's for financial reasons, which is true...but you've already given them a wedding gift AND celebrated their wedding. I don't get why they are doing this all over again.

CASK85 · December 2013

I agree generally with what the other ladies have said. I'd just use your school/money/location as your reason not to be involved and let it go at that.

People are crazy and self-involved. And rude. But in the end we're all just trying to live our lives, I guess.

Dolce313 · December 2013

mbross3 said:
So, I really want to decline to offer of being a bridesmaid, partially because BF and I live out of state now since I'm in Law School and, while we would definitely come back for this wedding, I don't think I have the time or money to commit to being a bridesmaid right now.

You can politely decline for exactly those reasons. 'I'm in Law School and I just can't afford to be a bridesmaid in an out of state wedding right now. I'm sorry, but if you ever need legal representation I will have your back after I pass the bar.' (If she really is crazy then she will need a good lawyer at some point

mbross3 · December 2013

@dolce313 love it! Although I'm not sure I'll want to be involved in whatever she needs a lawyer for in the future!

Thanks for the advice ladies! I was really just curious about whether or not this is a thing! I have never heard of anything like it.

loves2shop4shoes · December 2013

All of what @BriSox said. ALL of it.

beanbot2002 · December 2013

yeah, the church won't do a 'wedding' but they could do a convalidation ceremony. But, only if the priest agrees to it. Some refuse to do it, since it's sometimes considered a big offense to marry outside of the church.

Blackbird230 · December 2013

All of what PPs have said. As a person raised Catholic, I agree with all those above me. I know sometimes the Catholic Church won't marry you if you have even been living together prior. I think the girl may be a bit confused about what's to come or she's lying to the church. Politely decline the bridesmaid offer.

mbross3 · December 2013

I wasn't familiar with the idea of a convalidation ceremony, maybe someone should suggest it to her instead of the wedding (not me!).

If any of you know, do those usually include traditional wedding elements like bridesmaids, ring exchanges, being "given away"?

HisGirlFriday13 · December 2013

A convalidation ceremony is usually only held if there was a valid reason for the marriage not to have been performed in the Catholic Church in the first place -- i.e., waiting for someone to get an annulment, in a hospital on a death bed, etc. Not "we went to City Hall on account of she was pregnant."

Convalidations are performed at the discretion of the priest, and he is (supposed to) have good reasons for doing them. Wanting a big Catholic wedding isn't a reason.

Typically, when they are done, they're quiet, without a lot of hoopla, and they're just the vows part -- not the full-on Mass. Bridesmaids would be very much beyond the pale (per my understanding of them).

But I would just decline based on money/time reasons. It's not worth telling her you find her PPD tacky and rude. People who have PPDs never understand why other people think they're tacky and rude.

Dignity100 · December 2013

You're obviously not comfortable doing the whole bridesmaid thing - so politely decline (as the others have said). If she offers to pay for the bridesmaid dress, just let her know that you really can't take the time off school that there are still travel costs associated that you cannot afford at this time (basically have an 'excuse' for everything she thinks of).

cowgirl8238 · December 2013

There is a whole sticky over on the etiqutte board about the PPD stuff. Hoever in your situtation I would decline and use the exact reasons you told us as your reason. Good luck!

Case of the crazies...help? (little long- I'm wordy)

Re: Case of the crazies...help? (little long- I'm wordy)

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