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Third time's a charm - 3rd wedding for both, need advice

chyna4414chyna4414 member
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in Wedding Etiquette Forum
So we are both on marriage number 3.  Our motto is 3rd time is a charm . . . and it will be dang it!

His first 2 were attended by all family and friends.  My first was by family and friends but the second was attended by no one, it was a sore subject in the family and no one was invited.

We are having a wedding because it is our first wedding to each other and we want it to be special.  We have been together a year and just got engaged.  The wedding is set for June 2014.  We really cannot afford a full on reception so the idea was to take close family (parents siblings and our children) to lunch after the ceremony.  So the dilemma is is it rude to invite everyone to the ceremony (remembering it takes all of 10 minutes really) then not take them to lunch as well?  Not sure how we would pull that off anyway.  So, then is it rude not to invite the people we cannot afford to feed?

Worth noting is that we are having a bit party with everyone invited later in the month at our farm.  Not sure if that suffices for making everyone feel included . . . Ugh, eloping sounds good . . .

Thanks for your thoughts.

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Re: Third time's a charm - 3rd wedding for both, need advice

  • melbelleupmelbelleup member
    500 Love Its 1000 Comments Second Anniversary First Answer
    Yes it is rude to not invite all out after. You need to have something for all. You can either have ceremony for everyone then punch and cake after at a non meal time and then go out to eat with family. OR just have family attend ceremony and go out to eat after (still paying and hosting for it)
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  • climbingsingleclimbingsingle member
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    It's rude to invite people to the ceremony and not the reception, even if that reception is just taking people out to lunch. Invite the people you can afford to host. If you can't afford to host them at the reception, don't invite them to the ceremony. 

    Why are you having another party later in the month? Why not just combine the two?
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  • OliveOilsMomOliveOilsMom member
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    chyna4414 said:
    So we are both on marriage number 3.  Our motto is 3rd time is a charm . . . and it will be dang it!

    His first 2 were attended by all family and friends.  My first was by family and friends but the second was attended by no one, it was a sore subject in the family and no one was invited.

    We are having a wedding because it is our first wedding to each other and we want it to be special.  We have been together a year and just got engaged.  The wedding is set for June 2014.  We really cannot afford a full on reception so the idea was to take close family (parents siblings and our children) to lunch after the ceremony.  So the dilemma is is it rude to invite everyone to the ceremony (remembering it takes all of 10 minutes really) then not take them to lunch as well?  Not sure how we would pull that off anyway.  So, then is it rude not to invite the people we cannot afford to feed?

    Worth noting is that we are having a bit party with everyone invited later in the month at our farm.  Not sure if that suffices for making everyone feel included . . . Ugh, eloping sounds good . . .

    Thanks for your thoughts.

    Anyone who is invited to the ceremony needs to be invited to the reception, in this case lunch.  Even if you are having a party later, you need to make it one big event (same day) if you want to invite people other than your immediate families to the ceremony.  I suggest either have the party at the farm on the same day of your ceremony or have your ceremony with just your immediate family and children.  Take them to lunch as planned, then have a larger party to celebrate your marriage later with all your other friends & relatives.
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  • STARMOON44STARMOON44 member
    Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    That's rude. Everyone invited to the ceremony must be invited to the reception. Why can't the big party at your farm follow the ceremony?
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  • Amyzen83Amyzen83 member
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    Yes it's rude not to take them all to lunch as the reception is thanking your guests for coming
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  • southernbelle0915southernbelle0915 mod
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    Everyone invited to the ceremony must be invited to the reception. What you could do if you want to invite a bunch of people to the ceremony, but can't afford to host a full meal for everyone would be to do a cake and punch reception at a non-meal time. So do your wedding at 2:00pm and have a cake and punch reception that ends at 4 or 5pm. That way, all your guests are properly hosted.

    If you want to afterwards, go out for an informal dinner with your parents. Do make sure that if you decide to do this, you don't go into tiered reception territory where you invite half the group and host them but not the other half. KWIM?
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  • chyna4414chyna4414 member
    5 Love Its First Comment
    edited December 2013
    Actually we are not spending anything for the big party.  We are supplying the location and grills and entertainment (friends are musicians).  The idea is that we have some friends and family that are not available the day of the ceremony but want to celebrate with us so we are having it a date that worked for everyone.  The party is really just going to be a field party at our house more or less and will cost us little to nothing.

    We had originally thought about having a reception at the farm but it would require thousands in tents, tables etc for the older folks and children since the house is tiny and there is no shade.

    I was pretty sure (and agree) it was considered rude to not invite them to lunch if they came to the wedding but I had just been to a wedding where that happened so I was thinking maybe the rules had changed . . .

    Also currently the guest list only includes who we can realistically afford to feed (cuz' I was pretty sure the "come watch us get married now leave" option was rude) but I am worried that some family or friends not invited will be bent out of shape. 
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  • zitiqueenzitiqueen member
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    chyna4414 said:
    Actually we are not spending anything for the big party.  We are supplying the location and grills and entertainment (friends are musicians).  The idea is that we have some friends and family that are not available the day of the ceremony but want to celebrate with us so we are having it a date that worked for everyone.  The party is really just going to be a field party at our house more or less and will cost us little to nothing.

    We had originally thought about having a reception at the farm but it would require thousands in tents, tables etc for the older folks and children since the house is tiny and there is no shade.

    I was pretty sure (and agree) it was considered rude to not invite them to lunch if they came to the wedding but I had just been to a wedding where that happened so I was thinking maybe the rules had changed . . .

    Also currently the guest list only includes who we can realistically afford to feed (cuz' I was pretty sure the "come watch us get married now leave" option was rude) but I am worried that some family or friends not invited will be bent out of shape. 

    You're supplying the grills; who is supplying the food to put on the grills?
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  • chyna4414chyna4414 member
    5 Love Its First Comment
    Not us.  One of our friends is providing meat to grill as well as others are bringing their own.  They hunt and are happy to contribute.

    Like I said, we are not spending anything on the party.  This is quite common in our area and circle of friends.  Someone provides the space and fire and the partygoers bring what they want.  Think camping trip or music festival.  It just happens to be in our front yard.
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  • clarke10clarke10 member
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    Is the party later on wedding-related?
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  • STARMOON44STARMOON44 member
    Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    So you're hosting a potluck at a later date- that's great, as long as it isn't part of the wedding festivities. People might be hurt by not being invited, but that's their own problem to deal with. Not yours.
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  • southernbelle0915southernbelle0915 mod
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    chyna4414 said:
    Not us.  One of our friends is providing meat to grill as well as others are bringing their own.  They hunt and are happy to contribute.

    Like I said, we are not spending anything on the party.  This is quite common in our area and circle of friends.  Someone provides the space and fire and the partygoers bring what they want.  Think camping trip or music festival.  It just happens to be in our front yard.
    This is not a reception. A reception is a hosted event (hosted meaning you supply your guests with food and drink - doesn't have to be booze, even water/lemonade is fine). The reason you host a reception after a wedding ceremony is to thank your guests. That's why it's hosted by you (not them). 

    It sounds like what you're planning is a potluck BBQ. That's totally fine for any event that's not supposed to be hosted, but it's not ok for a reception. See my previous post for a good option that'll cost you next to nothing, but is still considered ok by etiquette standards. I assume the reason you posted on the etiquette board is because you want feedback on what's good etiquette.
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  • sarals24sarals24 member
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    I'm confused, I guess. You are hosting a party (or providing the space for a party?) to celebrate your wedding, but not immediately after your wedding? Why don't you just do this for your actual wedding? (although potluck weddings are a whole other can of worms...)

    Regardless, if you invite people to your wedding you need to host them properly. Seriously, cookies, punch and an iPod afterward will do the trick. Don't make some guests feel less important than others, though. If you want to host that in the middle of the day (during a non-meal time) it is fine to go out to eat with just family afterward.
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  • chyna4414chyna4414 member
    5 Love Its First Comment
    Yes exactly a putluck.  Sorry I was starved for the word . . . but yes that is the idea.  We are calling it a Celebration of the Blending of our Families and plan for no wedding type festivities.  Just a time where all that could not work with our wedding date can come and enjoy, less stuffy, no gifts and being it is our 3rd, no one feels obligated to come like if they received a formal wedding invitation.
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  • chyna4414chyna4414 member
    5 Love Its First Comment
    Yes sorry the "big party" is by no means a reception.  It was the red herring in my original post apparently.

    I was really only asking if etiquette had changed for it to be rude to invite to the ceremony and not to the lunch afterwards.

    I am going to look into having the punch and cake/cookies hosting at the place we are having the ceremony.  I had not thought of that but it would be minimal cost and then we could take the immediate family to lunch or dinner after that.  Excellent idea ladies!
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  • InkdancerInkdancer member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its First Anniversary First Answer
    chyna4414 said:
    I talked to the facility and we can have food in there (it is a historical park and it says no food) so we will be having a cake and punch reception following the ceremony.  We can invite everyone we want to because we can afford the punch (and supplies) and the cake is a gift.

    Thanks for the suggestions ladies!

    And the big party is still on as well . . . potluck style lol
    Yay! I love it when things work out.
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  • STARMOON44STARMOON44 member
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    But I still think the potluck is rude if it's billed as a celebration of your blending families, no? And it seems more than a little AWish to have multiple parties to celebrate a third time. Not everyone needs to celebrate this with you- just stick with what you can afford to host and call it a day.
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  • clarke10clarke10 member
    250 Love Its 100 Comments First Anniversary First Answer
    STARMOON44 said:
    But I still think the potluck is rude if it's billed as a celebration of your blending families, no? And it seems more than a little AWish to have multiple parties to celebrate a third time. Not everyone needs to celebrate this with you- just stick with what you can afford to host and call it a day.
    Agreed. If you want to have a party and grill out with friends, fine. But don't call it a blending of the families or anything wedding related.
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  • Jen4948Jen4948 member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    Yes.  It's rude to invite people to your wedding ceremony and not host them afterward....even just to provide them with a meal or other food that's appropriate for the time of day.

    And if the big party is a potluck, I think you should not bill it as wedding-related.
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  • csuavecsuave member
    500 Comments Third Anniversary 100 Love Its Name Dropper

    It sounds like you are getting some good ideas and are on the right path.

    One thing to note when considering your budget either for the cake or if you do a lunch is that anyone who is in a relationship will need to have their significant other invited with them.  Based on your posts I don't think this will be an issue for you but I thought I would bring it up just in case it could swing your numbers enough to be an issue.

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  • RebeccaB88RebeccaB88 member
    2500 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers

    I, too, think you're on the right path. But I'm still not getting why you don't just change your wedding date and have the wedding and reception at your property on the same date, and invite everyone. You could still do your cake, punch, and light munchies then and save the money you'll spend on the venue.  However, I do think that what you're planning on doing is perfectly fine, keeping your date and having the cake and punch ceremony immediately after, as well.

    The problem is the potluck party later. If you're calling it a celebration of (insert wedding/marriage related event here), then you're hosting and you need to pay for and provide everything at that party. If your friends volunteer to provide the meat to grill, that's great, but you still can't ask anyone to bring anything.  You'd need to provide the side dishes, desserts, beverages, tents, plates and utensils, tables and chairs for everyone, etc. If you're just saying 'hey, we're grilling out on this date at this time, if you want to join us bring a dish to share and a chair and come over', then I think you're good on the potluck, especially if that's a thing that's done regularly in your circle. You just can't say anything about it being wedding-related. And if you do make it wedding-related, then you need to invite everyone at that party to the actual wedding itself as well. 

    I know it's confusing, but I think you're making this way more complicated than it needs to be. Just pick a date that works for both you and your VIPs and have your wedding and reception then. Don't drag it out having multiple parties to try to include everyone.

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  • hoffsehoffse member
    Fifth Anniversary 1000 Comments 100 Love Its First Answer
    Well, I would elope. Problem solved.  But perhaps that's not helpful.

    You either need to trim your guestlist down or find a less expensive way to feed everybody.  And do keep in mind that if the wedding takes place near a meal time, then you need to feed people a full meal, not just punch and cookies.

    I also wouldn't drag out the wedding festivities to a party later on in the month.  That's AWish.  If you want to provide space for a potluck/BBQ type thing then knock yourself out.  But I wouldn't associate it with the wedding.  That will be over and done with by then.
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  • kgd7357kgd7357 member
    100 Love Its 100 Comments First Anniversary Name Dropper

    I think the OP gets that the pot luck is not a wedding reception. We do this all the time. "Hey guys, Saturday is supposed to be nice. Come over for beer, bocce, and grills. BOYM (meat)". This is just "wish you could have made it to the wedding, lets hang out x date at our place now that all the wedding stuff is done, bring whatever you like. Our friends are going to be playing music. Oh by the way, I have this great new family that you can meet."

    I think you are totally on the right track.

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