Not asking for gifts

jdluvr06 · December 2013

My FI and I have been living together for about five years and we have everything we need. So instead of registering for gifts we were planning on telling people not to bring a gift and if they felt the need to do something to donate the money they would have used to charity. My mom told me that some people might consider that rude. Does anyone else think it is rude?

huskypuppy14 · December 2013

Just don't register, and if people give you money,you can give the money to charity yourself.

Some people might consider it rude, because they may not support the particular charity you suggest. However, if you are implying that your guests give money to whatever charity they prefer, than I don't think that's a problem. Maybe others can chime in.

hlvonb · December 2013

Don't register. If people ask tell them you don't want or need any gifts. If they give you cash you can donate it yourself. It is not your place to tell others what to do with their money. Also, they may not be into giving to charity. If they give you a gift, you can always return it to the store if it is something you do not want or need.

Jen4948 · December 2013

Yes, it is rude.

First, you don't put this in invitations or tell anyone who hasn't asked about gifts about your preferences.

Second, if you want to donate to charity, you can by all means do this with your own funds or unwanted gifts you actually receive (as long as you are discreet, graciously thank the giver, and do not indicate to the giver that you are disposing of their gift in any way), but it is not appropriate to tell others to donate instead of giving you a gift. It's not up to you what they should do with their own funds.

doeydo · December 2013

If you don't want anything, don't register. If anyone asks what they should get you or what you want, you can just say "Thanks, but we have everything we need. We don't need any gifts". Other than that, you can't stop people if they want to give you stuff. You can always donate the money they gave you and/or gifts they bought you after the wedding.

jdluvr06 · December 2013

First, we weren't going to suggest any particular charities. Also we weren't going to put it on invitations. We were just going to tell people who called to asks us.

Jen4948 · December 2013

jdluvr06 said:

First, we weren't going to suggest any particular charities. Also we weren't going to put it on invitations. We were just going to tell people who called to asks us.

No need to be defensive.

The truth is that telling anyone to give to charity instead of giving you a gift, regardless of your intentions, could be seen by the persons you tell this to as contemptuous of their attempts to give you something you would appreciate. It's also just not up to you to decide what people should do with their money-even give it to charity. Maybe they'd rather not!

jessicabessica · December 2013

jdluvr06 said:

First, we weren't going to suggest any particular charities. Also we weren't going to put it on invitations. We were just going to tell people who called to asks us.

I know it's not your intention, but you will come off as sanctimonious if you suggest that people donate to charity when they ask what they can get you as a gift. When asked, just say that you are fortunate to have everything that you need, and if people press you on it, tell them you would be excited about whatever they might pick out.

hoffse · December 2013

Here's the reality:

1) It's sort of AWish. I would wrinkle my nose at a request like that. I give almost exclusively to Catholic charities that do third world mission work. If you aren't Catholic, I can't imagine you would care about that.

2) Nobody will listen to you. If I want to give somebody a gift, I will give them a gift. And if you are getting married and invite me to your wedding, you WILL receive a gift from me, come hell or high water. My charitable donations are budgeted as a separate item in my life.

3) Some people (like myself) don't give cash. So registry or not, you would be getting a physical gift from me. When couples don't register my go-to gift is a crystal vase or platter. When you DO register, I find something in my price point.

jdluvr06 · December 2013

doeydo said:

If you don't want anything, don't register. If anyone asks what they should get you or what you want, you can just say "Thanks, but we have everything we need. We don't need any gifts". Other than that, you can't stop people if they want to give you stuff. You can always donate the money they gave you and/or gifts they bought you after the wedding.

We're just going to to do that. Honestly we'll probably end up donating all the gifts. We really don't need anything and we don't have the room for more stuff anyway.

Jen4948 · December 2013

jdluvr06 said:

doeydo said:

If you don't want anything, don't register. If anyone asks what they should get you or what you want, you can just say "Thanks, but we have everything we need. We don't need any gifts". Other than that, you can't stop people if they want to give you stuff. You can always donate the money they gave you and/or gifts they bought you after the wedding.

We're just going to to do that. Honestly we'll probably end up donating all the gifts. We really don't need anything and we don't have the room for more stuff anyway.

Whatever you do, don't convey this to anyone who gives you a gift. Be discreet.

jdluvr06 · December 2013

We will. We don't want to hurt anyone's feelings or anything.

aurianna · December 2013

While you have everything you need, any chance you could use nicer versions of said things? Higher thread count sheets? Better quality pans?
If that's the case, you could register for your upgrades and then once you receive upgrades, immediately donate your older items to goodwill or wherever you prefer.

That way people who want to give you a boxed gift can still do so, you get nicer things in your home, people wouldn't find out you gave away the presents they gave you (since you won't be doing that), and charities still get items.

No registering and just giving all funds and/or presents straight to charity is also a perfectly fine option. Just throwing that out there in case you hadn't thought of it.

southernbelle0915 · December 2013

Ditto PPs. If people ask and you want to prepare a response, just say "We didn't register because we have all the stuff we need. Please don't feel obligated to bring a gift at all." It sounds like you know it shouldn't go on invitations, so you're good there. As far as charities, if people end up giving you cash anyway, YOU can donate it to charity if you want to, but don't guide their spending. More tax deductions for you!

jdluvr06 · December 2013

jdluvr06 said:

First, we weren't going to suggest any particular charities. Also we weren't going to put it on invitations. We were just going to tell people who called to asks us.

I realized that this post does come across as defensive and snippy and that was not my intent. So I do apologize for that. Aurianna that is an idea. I'm not sure how comfortable I am with that though. Southernbelle good point! Lol. It is so strange that this is an issue for us now. When we first got engaged we needed everything but the wedding has had to postponed 3 times, so now 5 years later we don't need anything. Lol.

TheBaysideBride · December 2013

Don't also think about what you "need" (we really don't "need" more than shelter, food, water and heat) but think of what would be really enjoyable. new sheets. wine of the month (yeah!). gorgeous crystal napkin rings. cash for a new puppy and dog walker.

all those things make the first year of marriage even more fun

JCbride2015 · December 2013

I really like aurianna's idea if people want to give you physical gifts (and some people will no matter what). Register for upgrade items and donate your old items. If I give someone a physical gift, I think about them using and enjoying that gift. There might be hurt feelings if a loved one gets you a physical gift (especially if it's unique or something they thought you really wanted) and then finds out that you donated it.

ETA: but it's awesome that charity is so important to you! If you really feel guilty about keeping physical gifts, you can always donate some more of your own cash to feel like you're "making up" for the gifts.

RebeccaB88 · December 2013

JCBride2014 said:

I really like aurianna's idea if people want to give you physical gifts (and some people will no matter what). Register for upgrade items and donate your old items. If I give someone a physical gift, I think about them using and enjoying that gift. There might be hurt feelings if a loved one gets you a physical gift (especially if it's unique or something they thought you really wanted) and then finds out that you donated it.

ETA: but it's awesome that charity is so important to you! If you really feel guilty about keeping physical gifts, you can always donate some more of your own cash to feel like you're "making up" for the gifts.

This, totally. I only buy physical gifts. I buy off the registry when there is one. If not, I take a lot of time and care in picking out something I think the receiver will like. If I've done that and I find out you gave it away without a second thought, I'm going to judge you hard for it. I would seriously consider registering for upgrades for useful items, and giving your old ones to a charity where they can be a blessing to someone who needs them. Sheets and towels, cookware, dinnerware that reflects you both, a few decorating items, or a couple fun things that you'd enjoy having but aren't necessary.

Honestly, the more you talk, the more sanctimonious you sound. Relax your back and let people who care about you do something nice for you. Just stop talking about it and accept gifts gracefully and appreciatively.

huskypuppy14 · December 2013

RebeccaB88 said:

JCBride2014 said:

I really like aurianna's idea if people want to give you physical gifts (and some people will no matter what). Register for upgrade items and donate your old items. If I give someone a physical gift, I think about them using and enjoying that gift. There might be hurt feelings if a loved one gets you a physical gift (especially if it's unique or something they thought you really wanted) and then finds out that you donated it.

ETA: but it's awesome that charity is so important to you! If you really feel guilty about keeping physical gifts, you can always donate some more of your own cash to feel like you're "making up" for the gifts.

This, totally. I only buy physical gifts. I buy off the registry when there is one. If not, I take a lot of time and care in picking out something I think the receiver will like. If I've done that and I find out you gave it away without a second thought, I'm going to judge you hard for it. I would seriously consider registering for upgrades for useful items, and giving your old ones to a charity where they can be a blessing to someone who needs them. Sheets and towels, cookware, dinnerware that reflects you both, a few decorating items, or a couple fun things that you'd enjoy having but aren't necessary.
Honestly, the more you talk, the more sanctimonious you sound. Relax your back and let people who care about you do something nice for you. Just stop talking about it and accept gifts gracefully and appreciatively.

It's very nice of you to try to buy something that someone will like. Hopefully, it is something they treasure and do not give away. However, once you give a gift, the receiver can do whatever they want with it: keep it, throw it away, give it away, whatever. Now they have to be discreet, but it is theirs to do what they want. If there are stipulations to a gift, you should not give it.

RebeccaB88 · December 2013

The only expectation I have when giving a gift is that it will be respected. Automatically judging it as unwanted and unnecessary and 'clutter' is being disrespectful to the giver and the spirit of the gift. Of course they can do what they want with it. I can do what I want with the friendship after as well. If they don't want gifts, they shouldn't invite someone to a gift-giving event. Even though you should never expect wedding gifts, it is by nature a gift-giving event and people will likely treat it as such. I maintain that the OP should choose some nice new things they would enjoy having, and that people would enjoy gifting them with, and donate their current items to a charity where they will be welcomed by someone who needs them.

JCbride2015 · December 2013

laurynm84 said:
It's very nice of you to try to buy something that someone will like. Hopefully, it is something they treasure and do not give away. However, once you give a gift, the receiver can do whatever they want with it: keep it, throw it away, give it away, whatever. Now they have to be discreet, but it is theirs to do what they want. If there are stipulations to a gift, you should not give it.

I'm not saying there's anything officially wrong with donating the gifts; etiquette-wise, once the gift is received, it belongs to the couple. But I don't think that changes the fact that feelings could be hurt by donating gifts. My feelings would absolutely be hurt if I selected a nice gift for someone, only to find out they turned around and immediately gave it away.

aurianna · December 2013

My SIL had twin boys last summer.
I went crazy on Zulilly and other places to find the cutest little boy clothes I could and ended up spending over $100 on onesies, jammies and outfits. I gave them all to her at the shower, among other things. (and they were good quality cotton and such. They were well made)

Then when they had us over when the twins were 2mo old, my sister showed us the twins' closet and how she'd organized it with tons of outfits and onesies all hung up according to age. And I didn't see a single one that I'd gotten them. Not one. And while I realize they probably got tons and tons of clothes they'd never use and had to donate some, my feelings were still hurt.
I didn't say anything. And I realize it's a bit petty, and it's totally ok for them to use or not use the gifts I gave...
But try to be discreet if you do donate them.

aurianna · December 2013

blah. dp

jdluvr06 · December 2013

My fiancé and I talked about this last night. We're still not going to register. If people do buy us gifts we'll keep what is give to us and donate what it is replacing. If it's something we will never use, like a vase or something we'll figure that out after the wedding.

OnceUponSnow · December 2013

I think you should definitely expect your guests to want to offer you something. Once it's given, I guess you can do whatever you want with the money. But if I can be totally honest here, as a guest I would feel offended that the money I struggled to save (being a student, I live paycheck to paycheck and struggle to save anything for myself) and that I specifically intended to give you because I love you, would be looked over as unnecessary then given to charity. I give to charity multiple times a year, but I could not afford to just hand over 200$ unless it was for someone I really cared about (you). It would disappoint me for sure.

I don't really have an answer, but I tend to agree with your mom.

Not asking for gifts

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