MIL crusade to invite people- she's not paying

Bruins63 · December 2013

Sorry, I didn't know what topic to put this under. We are having a small, intimate wedding at a venue- 50 people are invited and we really chopped the list to just people we see or speak to on a monthly basis. That means no aunts, uncles, or cousins on my side of the family because I frankly don't like or see any of them. (as you can tell, I'm not traditional- my friends are my family lol). My father is paying half and we are paying half ourselves and all 3 of us are VERY budget savvy- the main reason the guest list is so small. My father is perfectly ok with his siblings not being invited.

My mother in law, on the other hand, is extremely upset with us and on this nasty crusade that we must invite at least 8 paticular people from her side of the family. The per person cost is high so it would be $600 for these people that we never speak to. We have told her no and she will not let it rest until she gets her way. The thing is she's been out of work for a few years and is struggling to even stay in her home, so most people would say "make her pay for her extra guests" but there's no way she could ever afford to. I don't think it would be fair for me and my father to pay this if our own family isn't even coming.

Do we stick to our guns even if it means 9 more months of fighting with her or do we just give in and pay it?

clarke10 · December 2013

I say stick to your guns. Its your wedding and since she isn't paying, she can't force anything on you. You could use your small venue as your reasoning and tell her you simply don't have room for any more of her guests.

smalfrie19 · December 2013

I also say stick to your guns.

KeptInStitches · December 2013

Stick to your guns.

climbingsingle · December 2013

I'm usually a people-pleaser and I'll agree to a lot to just keep the peace. But this is something I'd stick to my guns on.

jdluvr06 · December 2013

Stick to your guns.

delujm0 · December 2013

Just tell her you physically don't have the space, and that none of your extended family is coming either. Tell her you're happy to send these people a wedding announcement after the fact if that will please her. But she's not paying, so she's in no position to make demands. You want a small wedding, you're paying, you can have a small wedding. And she can deal with it.

tmclawchick · December 2013

Ditto everyone else. If she isn't contributing, she unfortunately doesn't get to control your guest list. If she brings it up again, I'd explain very plainly to her that you're under a tight budget that won't allow for any extra people, and also make sure to point out the fact that you have relatives who won't be attending as well. If she persists, I'd probably say "I'm sorry but this really isn't open for debate," and then bean dip every chance you get.

Good luck and stay strong!

arrippa · December 2013

This would be my hill to die on. I would absolutely NOT invite those eight people. Stick to your guns.

southernbelle0915 · December 2013

Stick to your guns.

Sorry, but if she can't afford to host them and you can't/don't want to/don't have the space, they're not invited. Actually, I'm not sorry about that, so simply: No.

delujm0 · December 2013

Side note: make sure your FI is on your side here - it should really be HIM that has this battle with his mother, not you. But if FI agrees with her, and actually wants those people there, they should be accomodated. Just because you aren't close with your family doesn't mean he isn't close with his.

phira · December 2013

I would totally die on this hill. Even if she COULD afford to invite them, I'd die on this hill. For the next 9 months, constantly change the subject with her if she brings this up.

Bruins63 · December 2013

delujm0 said:

Side note: make sure your FI is on your side here - it should really be HIM that has this battle with his mother, not you. But if FI agrees with her, and actually wants those people there, they should be accomodated. Just because you aren't close with your family doesn't mean he isn't close with his.

Very good point!! My fiance is 100% on my side and wants them there even less than I do! He is also the one verbally battling his mother not me!

delujm0 · December 2013

xmobergx said:

delujm0 said:

Side note: make sure your FI is on your side here - it should really be HIM that has this battle with his mother, not you. But if FI agrees with her, and actually wants those people there, they should be accomodated. Just because you aren't close with your family doesn't mean he isn't close with his.
Very good point!! My fiance is 100% on my side and wants them there even less than I do! He is also the one verbally battling his mother not me!

Good man! You made a wise decision marrying him. :-)

ShesSoCold · December 2013

I am in this exact same situation. Same number of guests, same issue with the FMIL.

My FI and I decided to divide our invitations in half - 25 each. We're paying for 100% of the wedding and chose this ourselves, without saying anything to anyone. FMIL comes to find out that her siblings and their spouses (20 people total) won't be invited. My FI has only met these people a handful of times in his life and wouldn't recognize them if he saw them at the grocery store. FMIL loses her shit and after a series of temper tantrums, decides she's not coming to our wedding. Fine, we call her bluff. She still talks about finding a "solution to the problem" which is total crap - the only "solution to her problem" is her getting the fuck over herself.

Sure, it would have been easier to just invite these people, but the biggest thing for me was giving her what she wanted. She's an entitled brat and if we didn't stop this now, I would have three people in my marriage. FI and I decided our guest list together and giving in to her now would mean I have no say and no credibility in my own marriage.

Sorry to go on and on about me, but I wanted to agree with everyone else and offer my experience. But the most important thing here is that your FI and you are on the same page and he's the one talking about it to her.

Good luck to you. Seriously. Bitches be crazy.

Edited because my FMIL doesn't have 20 spouses.

HisGirlFriday13 · December 2013

phira said:

I would totally die on this hill. Even if she COULD afford to invite them, I'd die on this hill. For the next 9 months, constantly change the subject with her if she brings this up.

This. SO much this. There are some hills worth dying on, and this is one of them. If your FI is on your side, and you and he are on the same page, then he needs to shut his mother down ASAP.

And you know, it's not really about whether your FMIL can pay for the additional guests. It's about what you want for your wedding. I know I have often said, "Well, if your venue can accommodate them, and you don't want to die on this hill, let your FILs pay IN ADVANCE for them, and invite the additional guests." But that's usually where people have already invited 100+ guests and their FILs want to add five or six more, not increase the guest list by nearly 10%, which is what your FMIL wants to do, OP.

I also think that since you're keeping your guest list so small, even if she COULD pay for them, you would be within your rights to say no.

OliveOilsMom · December 2013

xmobergx said:

Sorry, I didn't know what topic to put this under. We are having a small, intimate wedding at a venue- 50 people are invited and we really chopped the list to just people we see or speak to on a monthly basis. That means no aunts, uncles, or cousins on my side of the family because I frankly don't like or see any of them. (as you can tell, I'm not traditional- my friends are my family lol). My father is paying half and we are paying half ourselves and all 3 of us are VERY budget savvy- the main reason the guest list is so small. My father is perfectly ok with his siblings not being invited.

My mother in law, on the other hand, is extremely upset with us and on this nasty crusade that we must invite at least 8 paticular people from her side of the family. The per person cost is high so it would be $600 for these people that we never speak to. We have told her no and she will not let it rest until she gets her way. The thing is she's been out of work for a few years and is struggling to even stay in her home, so most people would say "make her pay for her extra guests" but there's no way she could ever afford to. I don't think it would be fair for me and my father to pay this if our own family isn't even coming.

Do we stick to our guns even if it means 9 more months of fighting with her or do we just give in and pay it?

FI needs to tell her this discussion is closed and you will no longer respond to her when this topic is brought up. So that means getting up to leave her home, hangining up the phone, etc. FI should say: "Mom, I love you, but you know the answer to this question. If you cannot change the subject to something else, I will leave/hang up the phone." Then follow through on it.

Also, if you think she would invite these people behind your backs. Make sure that FI tells her these people will not be accomodated and she will be the one who has to explain to her family why there is not place for them to sit at the reception or food to eat.

ShesSoCold · December 2013

OliveOilsMom said:

xmobergx said:

Sorry, I didn't know what topic to put this under. We are having a small, intimate wedding at a venue- 50 people are invited and we really chopped the list to just people we see or speak to on a monthly basis. That means no aunts, uncles, or cousins on my side of the family because I frankly don't like or see any of them. (as you can tell, I'm not traditional- my friends are my family lol). My father is paying half and we are paying half ourselves and all 3 of us are VERY budget savvy- the main reason the guest list is so small. My father is perfectly ok with his siblings not being invited.

My mother in law, on the other hand, is extremely upset with us and on this nasty crusade that we must invite at least 8 paticular people from her side of the family. The per person cost is high so it would be $600 for these people that we never speak to. We have told her no and she will not let it rest until she gets her way. The thing is she's been out of work for a few years and is struggling to even stay in her home, so most people would say "make her pay for her extra guests" but there's no way she could ever afford to. I don't think it would be fair for me and my father to pay this if our own family isn't even coming.

Do we stick to our guns even if it means 9 more months of fighting with her or do we just give in and pay it?

FI needs to tell her this discussion is closed and you will no longer respond to her when this topic is brought up. So that means getting up to leave her home, hangining up the phone, etc. FI should say: "Mom, I love you, but you know the answer to this question. If you cannot change the subject to something else, I will leave/hang up the phone." Then follow through on it.

Also, if you think she would invite these people behind your backs. Make sure that FI tells her these people will not be accomodated and she will be the one who has to explain to her family why there is not place for them to sit at the reception or food to eat.

Oooh yes this!!! My FMIL tried to do this and FI said pretty much ^^ that to her. We also told our venue contact not to talk to her about our wedding.

NYCMercedes · December 2013

Just another two cents of agreement. Just have your FI tell her it's not in our budget.

Bruins63 · December 2013

ShesSoCold- thank you so much for sharing your experience with me! Times were different back when she got married 30 years ago and parents generally did have a big say in guest list so I just wanted to make sure we are not being totally out of line here by being so controlling with our list!!

Great advice everyone on how to close the topic in future discussions- super helpful!!

SP29 · December 2013

Stick to your guns. No is a complete sentence.

If she continues to bring it up, tell her the discussion is closed then change the topic. I would likely stop bringing up wedding talk around her unless necessary, as it will likely prompt her to bring it up again.

Even if you had the venue space and the budget, it is still you and FI's guest list, not hers.

Jen4948 · December 2013

Stick to your guns.

If she wants to entertain these people, she has to do it on her dime and time.

tammym1001 · December 2013

We are having 35 people at our wedding. My grandma was on my case forever about not inviting my aunts and uncles. I finally got fed up and told her that they could take her place on the invite list if it was so important to her that they be there. She hasn't said anything about it since then.

Of course, I said this knowing she was just trying to guilt trip me and she would never miss my wedding so I didn't have to worry about her saying ok.

MIL crusade to invite people- she's not paying

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