I was told that my wedding was about my husband's family, not me and it was ruined!

Re: I was told that my wedding was about my husband's family, not me and it was ruined!

• firefightermeg member

  

  December 2013

  Honestly, if he wasn't the male version of me, I would be long gone by now. We have a bond that I have never had with anyone else. Its like we can read each other's minds sometimes.
  

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• GBCK member

  

  December 2013

  firefightermeg said:

  When I first met my husband I told him that if we got married all I wanted was a little affair at the justice of the peace. I had gotten married once at age 20 and did the traditional wedding thing only to end up abused for 6 years. We met soon after my divorce. When we decided to sit down and plan the wedding I was expecting him to drop a couple of names he wanted invited to the wedding. He presented me with a list of 100 people he ABSOLUTELY had to invite to the wedding. I don't have much family and don't really have any friends so my list came in at 10 people. I was then tasked to plan a wedding for 100 people on a budget of $5000 COMPLETELY by myself! I didn't want to wear a traditional dress but every option I showed him he didn't like so I begrudgingly looked for a traditional dress. When I couldn't find a dress he liked, I found a seamstress to make a gown that fit what he wanted. His mother kept calling insisting that I add extra detail after extra detail to the wedding. Like a good future daughter in law I did as she asked. The wedding planning literally drove me crazy. I have Bipolar Disorder, PTSD, ADD and Asperger's Syndrome and I drank quite heavily to cope.
  
  My wedding day was an absolute nightmare!!! Because I was not allowed to hire a wedding planner of ANY kind any problems that happened at the ceremony and reception became MY problem. I literally had the chapel coordinator hounding me for payment while pictures were being done. The caterer was constantly approaching me about problems with who got what meal and other issues. The DJ apparently couldn't follow my carefully written directions in regards to what songs were played when so I ended up in a 15 minute meeting with him trying to set him straight. That made me late for the meal. I literally had no time to focus on anything other than fixing problems. To boot my wonderful Jewish inlaws kept making trouble with the chaplain (we were married on Dover Air Force Base). They constantly complained to me during the wedding. Guests kept telling me what a beautiful wedding it was but all I saw was total stress and chaos. My wedding pictures were ruined so I can't even fake that it was a beautiful day!
  
  The reason all this happened is because I had the misfortune of picking the only child of upper class Jewish parents as a mate. When we met my husband was 32 and had been in the Air Force for 13 years and had never been married. He has a history of picking trashy women who use him. I'm the first "good girl" he's ever had a relationship with. He told me that the reason for the large wedding was to impress his parents and his large group of friends. When I finally was able to process what had happened and get a prescription for Xanax I told him that I wanted a divorce because I felt VERY used! The wedding was NOT fair to me! His mother even told me that the wedding wasn't about me! He is completely head over heels with me and started crying hysterically when I started talking divorce. I told him that I'm not going to live a life where my job is only to impress the people in his life.
  
  He's now started bribing me to stop me from talking divorce. He originally told me that he wanted me to work full time only. He has now told me that I can quit driving a school bus (which I'm burnt out on) and go back to school full time. He is giving me his GI Bill so I can pursue my dream of becoming an arson investigator. He even found me a mostly online program (every 3 months I would have to go to Kentucky for a week) that is highly regarded in the industry. Any time I mention that I need/want something, he buys it. He wasn't like this before I started talking divorce.
  
  I'm starting to feel guilty about raising a stink about the wedding. But I feel VERY hurt! I feel like I was used and it doesn't feel good. It was supposed to be MY day but it turned into a way for him and his parents to showcase how well he's done in life. My job was to make up for all the losers he dated and give him "perfect" life experiences. Now he's talking wanting a baby but I don't feel I'm up for it. I'm a volunteer firefighter (so is he) we are getting our EMT certs together next month and I'm going back to school full time plus I'm dealing with my mental health issues along with a (stress related) high blood pressure issue and hypothyroidism. I also don't want to have a baby if there is any chance of him deploying because I will literally be left by myself with no one to help me. Being mentally ill and having a baby is hard enough, let alone having a husband in the military and having literally NO support.
  
  I love him but I feel like our entire relationship is going to hang on how much I can impress other people. I want to call it quits but I love him too much. How do I get over the sting of the way I was treated? I really don't want to go for marriage number 3 before the age of 30. He has agreed to a "do over" but originally said that he wanted to do it at his retirement ceremony in 6 years. I said NO WAY! My day is REALLY going to be my day that day. I told him that its going to be 100% on MY terms. I don't think he really understands what a big deal it is for a woman to have her wedding ruined in such a cruel way.
  
  Any ideas would be appreciated
  

  Okay, assuming not MUDdy, this is well past the point where it should be dealt with by a professional, not the 2 of you.

  
  

  First, get a good plan for birth-control in place STAT.  Honestly, he's a complete idiot if is even seriously considering having a baby with someone who has recently implied she'll divorce him.
  
  Second, find a marriage counselor.  Call your EAP, and make an appointment, see if they can refer you, run with that.
  
  Third, figure out with your shrink/counselor/whatever (I'm assuming you have one.  Huge assumption on my part.  If you dont, get one--one for you that's not the same as the marriage counselor) why you think a new wedding will somehow result in a new marriage.

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• clarke10 member

  

  December 2013

  If my FI had acted like that during our engagement, there wouldn't be a wedding. Not a chance. He shouldn't have made all of those lofty demands and insisted you plan the whole thing. He shouldn't have disregarded what you wanted for your wedding. I don't think you should feel guilty at all.

  
  

  I agree with PP that you need marriage counseling. I really, really don't think you should have a baby right now. 

  
  

  I think the way he treated you during the engagement should be a huge red flag.

  

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• delujm0 member

  

  December 2013

  To be fair, the wedding isn't about YOU.  It's about BOTH of you.  So if you FI wanted something different than you, you should have compromised, not simply caved to what he wanted.  And he should have helped you.  That was unacceptable.

   

  You need counceling.  Also, you need to be in charge of your own birth control immediately.  You say "divorce" and he says "baby?"  This guy is going to try to get you pregnant to trap you into staying with him.  Seriously.  You both need counceling.  Separately and together.  You shouldn't spend your life being someone's door mat.

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• HisGirlFriday13 member

  

  December 2013

  Ditto PPs. Had my FI or FMIL raised that many red flags in the engagement and wedding planning, I would have been gone so fast their heads would STILL be spinning.

  
  

  But, you went through with it. So if you don't want to get another divorce, here are my suggestions:

  
  

  1. Seek counselling, immediately, for yourself.

  2. Seek counselling, immediately, for you two as a couple.

  3. Set very, very, very clear boundaries, with your husband's 100% support, with your ILs. They ran roughshod over you, and you let them, and now you need to set the boundaries you should have set back before you got married.

  4. Focus on your mental health, your career, and yourself -- DO NOT have a baby with this man until you and he are on the same page emotionally, mentally, spiritually, whatever else. And DEFINITELY don't have a baby with this man until he has cut the apron strings with Mama, or else she will run your baby's life the way she ran your wedding. 

  

  
  

  
  

  I'm gonna go with 'not my circus, not my monkeys.'

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• firefightermeg member

  

  December 2013

  The problem also is that if I try to divorce him he has said that he will refuse to sign the papers. His dad will probably come around offering me a LARGE sum of money to stay with his son. The family thinks that money solves everything. Until I get my degree, I'm basically broke. I just talked to my husband about counseling and he doesn't think we need it. I told him if he wants me to shut up about it for once he will go to counseling.
  

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• clarke10 member

  

  December 2013

  I think him refusing to go to counseling is a huge red flag if that would help mend the marriage.

  
  

  I also think that if you're in a relationship where he feels the need to bribe you to stay with him, his priorities are in the wrong place. 

  

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• monkeysip member

  

  December 2013

  Do you not have any family you can stay with?  ANYONE?  This sounds like a dangerous situation.

  
  

  If everything you're saying is true, your husband sounds manipulative.  Someone with more legal expertise can chime in here, but can't you still petition for divorce even if your spouse says no?

  
  

  If he refuses counseling, I would get out of the situation someway.  You shouldn't feel bullied by your own husband.  And his family should have NOTHING to do with this.  He is letting them have way more influence in your marriage than they should.

  
  

  I'd second pps about not having a baby, but honestly, it's to the point where I probably wouldn't want to even be intimate with my husband.  If my relationship was that rocky, and considering that no birth control is 100%, I'd consider temporary celibacy until I could work things out (I'm not saying use sex as a tool against him, just saying that I don't know if I could continue sexual intimacy with a husband treating me like that).

  
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• monkeysip member

  

  December 2013

  Also, this is not about your wedding, but your marriage.  A do-over wedding is not going to make you feel better.  Solving your marital problems will.

  
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• artbyallie mod

  

  December 2013

  Holy shit, honey. I hate to say it but I think you've found another abuser. This man is too fucking controlling. He dictated your damn wedding dress?

  

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• MobKaz member

  

  December 2013

  artbyallie said:

  Holy shit, honey. I hate to say it but I think you've found another abuser. This man is too fucking controlling. He dictated your damn wedding dress?

  This was my thought as well.  OP, you don't say whether or not you received any counseling during your first marriage.  You say you met your current husband shortly after you divorced.  If you received no counseling whatsoever, I would say you were drawn yet again to a similar personality.  And now, with the little information you have given, it sounds as if you are drawn in to another cycle of domineering and controlling behavior.  If you did not learn how to recognize the signs or stand up for yourself, you need to do that ASAP.

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• AddieCake member

  

  December 2013

  Is he currently in the military? If not, I don't believe he can transfer his GI Bill to you. My husband intended to do that for me, and then we found out he can't b/c he is not active. I don't understand how you didn't see all these red flags prior to marrying him. having to plan yourself, having to make a dress he wants, not "allowed" to hire a coordinator, etc.

  What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14

  

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• manateehugger member

  

  December 2013

  firefightermeg said:

  Honestly, if he wasn't the male version of me, I would be long gone by now. We have a bond that I have never had with anyone else. Its like we can read each other's minds sometimes.
  

  No, I don't think he's a male version of you. I think he can read your mind sometimes because he's controlling everything you do. 

  
  

  Read back through what you wrote - you're letting him control everything about your life. This is NOT about a wedding, this is about a marriage in which one partner is manipulating the other. I think you need counseling ASAP. You don't deserve to feel this way from your husband. Take back control in your own life. 

  

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• Amyzen83 member

  

  December 2013

  NO no no! DO NOT HAVE a baby with this man! Having a baby will only complicate things more and make it even more difficult for you to leave if you need to. I've heard that some abusive men will use pregnancies in order to keep their wives from leaving them and the control. Think about it, if what you say is true and you don't really have much money yet because you are still in school, you are going to have even less money once you have kids and you are now feeding other mouths. Let's say you end up by having 4 kids with this man, it's going to be even 4 times more difficult to change anything, and even after one kid with him, he may threaten to take away custody if you decide to leave him. Please at least go to counseling for yourself so you can see the true value of yourself and hopefully they can give you some tools on how to draw healthy boundaries with your controlling in laws. I'm sorry you are dealing with all of this! Prayers go out to you all.

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• GBCK member

  

  December 2013

  daFaq?

  
  

  If you HADN"T married him, how would you be supporting yourself right now?

  Go do that.

  
  

  Because anyone who thinks the answer to 'we may be divorcing' = Money/gifts + baby - counseling is someone to run far far away from.

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• afox007 member

  

  December 2013

  firefightermeg said:

  The problem also is that if I try to divorce him he has said that he will refuse to sign the papers. His dad will probably come around offering me a LARGE sum of money to stay with his son. The family thinks that money solves everything. Until I get my degree, I'm basically broke. I just talked to my husband about counseling and he doesn't think we need it. I told him if he wants me to shut up about it for once he will go to counseling.
  

  Not a big deal at all. I ended up being the one who served FI's ex divorce papers and she just crumpled them up and tossed them in her bag. When we went to the court after her 30 day window to reply they just gave him papers to petition for a default divorce. It didn't take any longer the court date to finalize stayed the same. The best part is at that point the judge only deals with you and makes all the terms that are in your best interest. 

  

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• Jen4948 member

  

  December 2013

  You'd better get out of there fast.  Best of luck!
  

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• hyechica81 member

  

  December 2013

  with all your health problems going on i am not sure your doctors would be on board for you to carry a baby to term because it could effect your health. 

  
  

  
  

  get consuling asap for the both of you he sounds very controling and will use his power and weath to preside over you 

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• orwhatuwill member

  

  December 2013

  "The reason all this happened is because I had the misfortune of picking the only child of upper class Jewish parents as a mate."

  
  

  Wow. How anti-Semitic. You need couples counseling. You also need therapy on your own. You may also want to consider connecting with a local domestic violence prevention resource. And, perhaps get some diversity & civility education/training.

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• Anaelsea member

  

  December 2013

  Theres a way to say "No" and "I need this" that men will hear and understand, and a way to say it that they wont hear or listen to, Im assuming that you havent learned the 'language' of your spouse yet, for example, in my relationship, i will make a statement or a request "lets do activity A", which my FH will point blank refuse, and then in three weeks he'll say, "why didnt we do activity A again i forgot?" I dont get mad at him for it, its the way HE works its his rhythm its how he processes things, and I have adjusted to it to make our life work. 

  Obviously I dont work the same way but ive learned over time how to speak his 'language', per say, it has helped ALOT. 

  I think your first step is to make your life happy and whole. A sh!tty wedding day isnt a reason for a divorce, and your spouses job isnt to make you happy, YOU make YOU happy, and you run parallel to his life, in your happy life that youre going to create. 

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• kerbohl member

  

  December 2013

  I didn't read this as anti-Semitic, but that's an interesting opinion.  I thought the stress was on only child and upper-class. 
  

  
  

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• casey8784 member

  

  December 2013 edited December 2013

  orwhatuwill said:

  "The reason all this happened is because I had the misfortune of picking the only child of upper class Jewish parents as a mate."

  
  

  Wow. How anti-Semitic. You need couples counseling. You also need therapy on your own. You may also want to consider connecting with a local domestic violence prevention resource. And, perhaps get some diversity & civility education/training.

  I was about to quote the OP and highlight this sentence but you beat me to it. 

  
  

  @firefightermeg - his religion has NOTHING to do with it. period. the upper class part, maybe. the only child part, probably. Maybe he or his parents picked up on some of this hostility you seem to have about the fact that they're Jewish. On that note, I'm aware that many chapels/chaplains are multi-denominational, did you ever consider that they weren't comfortable if it was a Christian ceremony? Did you ever ask for their input in the wedding planning, or did they refuse to help? Who said that you "weren't allowed" to hire a DOC?

  
  

  Also, if you consider it such a "misfortune" that you got stuck with this guy, just remember - YOU were the one who said yes to his proposal. I highly doubt that anyone was standing behind you twisting your arm. Grow up and realize that you, in fact, know the word "No" and one of the great things about this country is your free ability to use it as often as you like! 

  

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• vt&dt member

  

  December 2013

  OP, I have to echo PPs.  You both need counseling, together and separately.  And this situation still may end in divorce.  I'm going to try not to repeat other posters too much, but as someone who was SO close to being in an abusive marriage (called off the wedding three weeks out do to some overwhelming red flags & warning signs) - I can tell you that sometimes getting out and moving on is really hard and difficult to start, but could be the best thing for your life.

  
  

  Have you noticed that when you bring up problems, instead of offering to fix the problems, he's offering to bribe you to stay with extra things (school, $, etc) instead of trying to make the situation better for you? That is a HUGE sign of manipulative (if not abusive) behavior.  It's like the movie "Sleeping with the Enemy" when the husband hits his wife and then brings her a dress and says "I'm sorry we quarreled."

  
  

  Honestly, I would give an ultimatum.  Counseling (together and separate) or divorce.  And just going to counseling isn't going to guarantee that this works out - it's just the best way to find out if it can/will.

  
  

  If he says no, I'd move out right away and get a lawyer.  I'm sorry that you're in this position, but I really think that you need to put your foot down to avoid being chained to this potentially abusive situation forever.  

  
  

  Wishing you the best.

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